Semantics
Back in October (on the 8th), I did the “How well do you know me?” quiz, inspired by the creative genius Hilly. One of my questions was “What is my biggest regret?” and I chose the answer “Why waste time on regrets? I live a regret free life!”
After thinking about it more, I decided that, as nice as that sounds, it’s not really true. Because while I don’t really regret anything, I do have lots of guilt, a lot of it over silly little things.
In my mind, “regret” is feeling bad for something you didn’t do. So it’s EASY not to feel regret, if you are nice enough to yourself! And (also in my mind), “guilt” is feeling bad for something you did do. And it’s EASY to feel guilt, it you are hard on yourself and really care about the people around you.
Of course, the real meaning of “regret” is: to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.). And the meaning of “guilty” is: a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined. So, I am somewhat on the right track with the way I interpreted the words, but in the end, it’s all just semantics! And whether or not it’s right, I have to get this guilty list off my chest.
Things I am still guilty over:
- In the 1990s my parents gave me a gold necklace that had a flat, gold, cursive “Kimberly” charm on it. I was so excited about it, that when I put it on that day, I broke the charm in half and never wore it. I was too guilty to tell my parents what happened, but I still feel really bad.
- I have been relentlessly independent since I was in high school, and I feel guilty for shutting people out who could have been my friends.
- When I lived in Rome, I begged Steven to send me a care package with some fun things in it because I missed him. When he sent it, it had to go to my school (that was my mailing address) and they denied it, so it went all the way back to the States. It arrived on Steven’s porch the day after I got back from Rome. I feel guilty that he went to all that effort and I never got it.
- I feel guilty for being so involved with my own life that I only developed a relationship with my uncle Tom when I lived in Rome and we could share travel stories in our emails. That is the same year he passed away so young.
- Last year, my grandma called me and told me she was having computer problems. She lives in a different state, and I couldn’t come over to help her, so I suggested she ask my brother’s friend for help, because I know he is tech savvy. Well, he told her she needed to buy a new computer, so she did. She gave the old one to my aunt, whose friend promptly fixed it by installing a new fan. I feel guilty for her having to spend so much money, but more so because now she has to use Windows Vista!
- I feel guilty for letting myself get this heavy, again. I don’t want Steven to be known as having a “fat” wife. Oh yeah, and I want to be healthy too.
- I feel guilty for telling other people what a stupid slut I thought one of my friends was. Even if it was true, I shouldn’t have said anything about it to anyone.
- I feel guilty for all the truths I felt I had to hide because I thought people would be judgmental of me.
- I feel guilty for throwing that piece of broccoli at Steven in the Thai restaurant Monday night. I didn’t mean to do it, and I think it stained his pants and shirt.
The list could go on and on… do you have a list?
Themocracy
I’m sure I could put together a list, but it might make me too depressed.
Did you ever find out why your package from Steven was R2Sd?
I have a lot of problems with my regrets and guilt. I think I regret or feel guilty about the majority of my life (seriously.) I work on trying to let stuff go, and I can’t. I’m still just as embarassed over the wrong things I said in 3rd grade as I was the moment I said them and realized I was a fool. And I’ve been plenty stupid from then until now. Blah. Makes my stomach upset.
I would say that beyond regretting that I let myself gain all the weight that I lost back, most of what I regret are things that I did NOT do. Regret that I didn’t talk to that cute guy in high school because I was shy, etc. However, because so many of my regrets could have changed how my life is now (happily married to someone who isn’t the cute guy in high school!), I wouldn’t actually go back and change any of what I didn’t do.
There are, of course, things I did that I probably wished I hadn’t, but nothing I can think of that I would consider a real regret.
I hope putting the guilt out there helps you release it. 🙂 I have a lot of it, but most of it boils down to me being too hard on myself. Um, wait… I think the same could be said for you! 😉 *hug*
i have a long list too but like diane said, i think it boils down to us being too hard on ourselves… no one else puts this kind of pressure (guilt) on me but me… another thing for me to work on! 🙂
you are so hard on yourself! i understand because i am too. things we see in hindsight that could have played out differently, etc. in the book “eat, pray, love” there’s this great quote that goes something like, “guilt is just your ego’s way of thinking you’re making moral progress.” LOVE THAT! it rings so true for me. forgive yourself because no one is perfect. 🙂
I was raised Catholic, so I know all too well what you mean about guilt. “Guilt–it’s the gift that keeps on giving!” (can’t remember where I heard that)
You shouldn’t be so down on yourself. Just think about how lucky you are! Not only in making it through school and becoming an architect, but you are fortunate enough by the grace of God to be married to a Skaff! (just kidding about that last part.) I carry around a bunch of stuff that I feel bad about doing and saying and even thinking, so I can’t say anything there……but please don’t feel bad about your weight. You’re beautiful! And you are NOT “fat.” I fall into the same pattern of thinking, and then I remind myself about the friend I have who weighs over 300 pounds (because of medical issues)……..and remember things could be worse. The best thing I’ve done for myself in the last couple of years is forcing myself to exercise. I’m at a point now where I feel “not right” if I don’t work out and/or take Izzy (my dog) for a giant walk, which by the way is very difficult when the temperature is 80 below zero and I want to cry every time I walk outside, but I do it for her because she loves going for walks. Exercising will always be a chore – my idea of a perfect day is spending it in bed with my dog (and Andrew, if he’s lucky), watching movies and eating pizza – but being healthier than I was is the best.
I’d love to revisit this but I know I’ll sit there for hours and hours. I need to save a link to this post to do it again one day.
I hope making your list makes you feel better about some of your guilt. Kinda like going to some sort of blogging confessional. We all say and do things that make us regret, its part of life and the whole “growing up” process. I would compile a list of my stupid arse stuff that I have done, said, thought, but it would be way too cringe inducing. We learn from the error of our ways and hopefully won’t repeat them. So, now you know –put the broccoli down the next time you go out to eat with Steven. :o)
Sure, I have a list, but I try not to beat myself up about it. Failing that, which I often do, I try not to dwell on it much.
A couple things I read a while ago have helped:
1. Give yourself a statute of limitations of 5 years for bad behavior/guilt/regret. You’ve learned since then so cut your younger self a break, and let it go.
2. If you can’t let it go, picture yourself desperately clinging to whatever guilty thought/regret as if it were a tangible thing. Visualizing it makes it easier to see how pointless hanging onto it is.
I didn’t even think that Steven allowed the presence of broccoli in his vicinity after the “Great Broccoli Incident of 1996.”
I’m glad you did this because sometimes I think that admitting these feelings help lessen their burden on our hearts. Is it sad that I can put a list together in my head without thinking for more than a second?
kapgar – the people at my school denied my package because they thought I was home for the summer. I told them to expect it. I was sad.
Kyra – I am the same way! SILLY SILLY things from SO LONG AGO still make me feel upset! Like that thing about the necklace… whenever I am feeling low that memory just pops into my head! What is the deal with that?
Jenn – You bring up a good point – why have regrets/guilt when I live such an awesome life? Obviously, my family and friends still love me despite these things! It’s time to get over myself.
diane – we are very alike – so hard on ourselves, and perfectionists…. it’s no wonder we can never be happy with anything we do!
CourtneyInControl – and there is even another thing to be grateful for – that no one does put this pressure on us, like you said! I can’t imagine having a relationship where someone purposefully tried to make me feel guilty, even though I know they exist.
sizzle – Moral progress? That’s perfect! Ha ha!
Megan – thanks for your encouragement! A lot of my family is devout Catholic… I never did well with communion… we had a civil wedding 😉 Okay, but I do need to look at the bright side and be committed to being healthy, even though I love the pizza like you do too (well, sans all that crazy spicy stuff!).
ajooja – don’t revisit for too long and make yourself feel bad! 😉
Gina (Mannyed) – Confessional is the right word. And for some reason, it feels so good to tell you all, because I trust you all 🙂
claire – five years sounds like a good starting point, maybe I could cut it down even more. I suppose eventually I won’t even be able to remember back that far! Ha ha.
Andrew – He will come within 3′-0″ of cooked broccoli due to the Amendment of 2002.
Hilly – This did help! Especially because everyone made me realize how silly I am being. The funny thing about putting my list together is that it was hard at first, then once I started it kept coming out… so don’t feel bad 😉
I have so many regrets and guilts. 🙁 My list would go on forever! I never knew about that bracelet from mom & dad. And I too am guilty for talking badly about people and what they do FAR too often. I’ve tried really hard to cut back on that though!! 🙂 Love you sister!
I have a few things I am guilty about …..
One of the main ones: My Sr year in high school, I got the high school ring of my high school sweetheart. I lost his Sr. Ring….when we broke up he asked me to send it back. I told him I did and when he hadn’t gotten it a few months later I said it must have gotten lost in the mail (either at college or on the way). I felt bad about losing it when we were together (got lost in the move after high school) and then when he broke up with me I was angry and didn’t want to fess up to it then.
Christina – I know that talking about people is something we should both be guilty off, because we do it together. Hey, what are sisters for? 😉 Let’s work on making each other better about it 🙂
Felicia – That’s a cute story. I bet it seemed like a big deal then, but he’s probably gotten over it by now! 😉 At least, I hope!