Comments (34)

By kilax, December 7, 2008 9:57 pm

So, what is the big decision I’ve alluded to a few times that had me all stressed out and feeling guilty?

I’m starting a new job tomorrow.

Yeah, it’s not really a big deal to start a new job. Because usually, when you start a new job, you were looking for one, or you hated your boss, or you were bored to death.

But I didn’t have any of that. I was happy at work, but this opportunity fell into my lap, and I had to ask myself “Would I regret not taking this job in a few months?” The answer was yes.

It took me a long time to make the decision though. It wasn’t as easy as following my gut. I wasn’t used to putting that much thought into a decision.

The decision-making process really stressed me out, especially since I talked to my bosses about it first, who I think were somewhat shocked. Then… I was at work for another three to four weeks while I waited to get clearance for the new job.

So, this last month has kind of been hell. I’ve just felt so guilty about making the decision to try something new… and to leave a firm I really care about.

And some people weren’t so nice to me about it. But that’s okay. A lot of other people were really supportive, and I appreciate that. You all know who you are – thank you.

When I was making the decision, I realized that the two most important opinions in my life are mine and my husbands. No one else is 100% considering my best interest when they give me advice. Even Steven probably isn’t from time to time.

I don’t say that to put down the other people that are close to me in my life. I am just trying to say that the only person’s approval I look for, if anyone’s, beside my own, is my husband’s. I want him to be proud of me, and back the decisions I make. He was very supportive throughout the whole process, and that made me feel so much better.

Sometimes, we live our lives for someone else’s approval. We are always trying to please other people. It’s important to think about whose approval you really want. I realized that I was prone to want to make decisions based on what other people would approve of. I had to make the decision that was best for me, and it was hard. It made me feel awful.

Anyway. Tomorrow is my first day. I am excited to start something new!

Comments (14)

By kilax, November 29, 2008 10:55 pm

It’s back.

That “I don’t care about me” feeling. That “I’m just going to eat whatever I want, who cares?” feeling.

I was afraid this would happen. I mentioned before that I had no idea what changed in me to make me WANT to be healthy. And not knowing what was allowing me to finally live a healthy life scared me that it wouldn’t last.

But I do know what is making me feel this way now. No, it is not Thanksgiving, or the stress of the holidays. It is guilt.

I feel guilty for making a few decisions* lately that benefit me and not others. I feel guilty for putting myself first.

Really.

I realized this the other day. I am punishing myself for feeling guilty. Punishing myself by EATING. How do you punish yourself with food? You eat and eat until you feel so stuffed that you are uncomfortable. A lot of you may have never done that, but I bet there are a few of you out there who know what I am talking about.

I’ve only had a few incidences when I’ve felt that super uncomfortable feeling, but it’s scary.

Guilt is not the only emotion that has driven me to overeat this past week. I’ve also been bored, frustrated and uncomfortable… and eating to cover those emotions. Guilt just happens to be the big one – the overriding emotion that is making me feel super stressed out. The feeling that is always in the back of my mind.

And yeah, yeah, yeah… I am happy to have “figured out” what is causing me to feel so out of control, but that is not stopping me from feeling out of control. Or stressed out. Or anxious, all the time.

I’m just worried. Worried about giving up. Worried that I am not meant to be healthy. Even writing that now, it isn’t logical, but that is how I feel. Like I don’t deserve to be healthy, and happy and guilt-free.

*I apologize for being so vague. I want to give more details, but not right now. I already feel uncomfortable enough, writing all this!

Comments (16)

By kilax, January 30, 2008 6:05 am

Back in October (on the 8th), I did the “How well do you know me?” quiz, inspired by the creative genius Hilly. One of my questions was “What is my biggest regret?” and I chose the answer “Why waste time on regrets? I live a regret free life!”

After thinking about it more, I decided that, as nice as that sounds, it’s not really true. Because while I don’t really regret anything, I do have lots of guilt, a lot of it over silly little things.

In my mind, “regret” is feeling bad for something you didn’t do. So it’s EASY not to feel regret, if you are nice enough to yourself! And (also in my mind), “guilt” is feeling bad for something you did do. And it’s EASY to feel guilt, it you are hard on yourself and really care about the people around you.

Of course, the real meaning of “regret” is: to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.). And the meaning of “guilty” is: a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined. So, I am somewhat on the right track with the way I interpreted the words, but in the end, it’s all just semantics! And whether or not it’s right, I have to get this guilty list off my chest.

Things I am still guilty over:

• In the 1990s my parents gave me a gold necklace that had a flat, gold, cursive “Kimberly” charm on it. I was so excited about it, that when I put it on that day, I broke the charm in half and never wore it. I was too guilty to tell my parents what happened, but I still feel really bad.
• I have been relentlessly independent since I was in high school, and I feel guilty for shutting people out who could have been my friends.
• When I lived in Rome, I begged Steven to send me a care package with some fun things in it because I missed him. When he sent it, it had to go to my school (that was my mailing address) and they denied it, so it went all the way back to the States. It arrived on Steven’s porch the day after I got back from Rome. I feel guilty that he went to all that effort and I never got it.
• I feel guilty for being so involved with my own life that I only developed a relationship with my uncle Tom when I lived in Rome and we could share travel stories in our emails.  That is the same year he passed away so young.
• Last year, my grandma called me and told me she was having computer problems. She lives in a different state, and I couldn’t come over to help her, so I suggested she ask my brother’s friend for help, because I know he is tech savvy. Well, he told her she needed to buy a new computer, so she did. She gave the old one to my aunt, whose friend promptly fixed it by installing a new fan. I feel guilty for her having to spend so much money, but more so because now she has to use Windows Vista!
• I feel guilty for letting myself get this heavy, again. I don’t want Steven to be known as having a “fat” wife. Oh yeah, and I want to be healthy too.
• I feel guilty for telling other people what a stupid slut I thought one of my friends was. Even if it was true, I shouldn’t have said anything about it to anyone.
• I feel guilty for all the truths I felt I had to hide because I thought people would be judgmental of me.
• I feel guilty for throwing that piece of broccoli at Steven in the Thai restaurant Monday night. I didn’t mean to do it, and I think it stained his pants and shirt.

The list could go on and on… do you have a list?