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By kilax, March 4, 2009 5:16 am

It looks like I am having another random Wednesday. Maybe I should copy Kevin and start doing “Snippet Wednesdays” if this turns into a habit – I just don’t know if I can promise snippets though!

My Office’s Biggest Loser Challenge Update: Week 6

It’s week 6 of the Biggest Loser Challenge, and I’ve lost 6.56% of my starting weight. I’ve been taking it nice and slow. So even though I am trying to lose weight, I don’t feel like I am living the lifestyle of someone who is trying to lose weight. Does that make any sense? What I am saying is, I DON’T feel like I am on a diet!

Weigh-ins Don’t Work for Everyone

Every Tuesday, the Sun-Times has a Q&A column by Mehmet Oz, M.D. and Michael Roizen, M.D. Apparently we are supposed to be impressed because the first guy is associated with Oprah, and the second guy worked at a prestigious hospital.

Anyway. Today’s first question was about programs that require weekly weigh-ins, and whether they are more successful than programs that don’t.

I found their response interesting – basically, you get out of it what you put into it. If a weekly weigh-in causes you to rethink your efforts and put new vigor into your eating and exercise, that’s good. If a weekly weigh-in causes you to “drown your disappointment in a pint of dark-chocolate ice cream,” that’s bad.

Overall, they said you should be measuring inches, not pounds. I wish I would have measured myself before I started my Office’s Biggest Loser Challenge!

Do you think weekly, private, weigh-ins would work for you?

MyPlate Doesn’t Work for Me

One week on my Office’s Biggest Loser Challenge, I decided I was frustrated (because of a very small gain!) and I signed up for the food diary site, MyPlate. I used it for three days. That was enough. I ate very well those three days, but the headache and constant stress of thinking about food was too much for me. I know that so many people recommend keeping a food diary, but I just can’t do it. It makes me want to rebel.

It was a silly three days, but it helped me get to the point of realizing that my body weight naturally fluctuates and it’s not a big deal.

The Sweet Portion of Lent and Guilt-Ridden Dreams

The Girl Scout Cookies have landed. And they’re everywhere in my office. Let me repeat: I feel relieved to walk by these and not feel tempted by them. Because. They. Are. Everywhere. I. Turn.

My first week of not eating sugary treats went very well. I shared a blueberry muffin with Steven on Sunday and that was it. I think I could have gone the whole day without that muffin, but I could tell he really wanted it.

On Monday night, I had a nightmare that I was gorging on sweets. This tells me I must be serious about it. Sometimes, I have nightmares that I am eating meat and feel very guilty in the dream. Steven has these dreams too. Maybe all vegetarians do? I’ve never craved meat the 8 years I’ve been a vegetarian, but I will have this dream every once in awhile. Well, the sugar dream made me feel the same way – guilty.

I wonder if my sister Christina, who is also a used to be a vegetarian, has had those dreams. Christina, if you are reading this, I also had a dream Monday night that you and Steven and I were at Grandma’s Pete’s old house with the whole fam. The three of us were upset because they were making huge egg mcmuffins, but wouldn’t make them without canadian bacon on them for us. Aunt Linda was making them (of course…). I took one from her and threw a egg on the ceiling and it stuck. I thought dad was going to yell at me, but he laughed. Then we got mad and left!

Thanks Tori!

Tori, thank you for sending me the awesome Thyroid Cancer Awareness wristband. I am going to wear it and tell everyone who asks about it your story and how awesome you are!

(P.S. Data is jealous)

That Nasty Bruise

Thought you’d go a whole week without a fencing post? HA! Not so fast! I was sad not to have fencing class Monday night. Although, it may have hurt if someone hit me in my bruised spot.

The first week of the bruise I thought it was cool. Now I just want it to go away so I can wear a short sleeved shirt and not have to explain to people that I am taking a fencing class (although, it is a good conversation starter!).

Bonus (if you made it this far!)

Has anyone else seen the Terminator Salvation trailer (at bottom of link)? SWEET! Can’t wait for May 21st! I love your potty-mouth Christian Bale!

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By kilax, February 2, 2009 5:57 pm

Awhile ago, Steven told me he felt like he needed to start eating more. The half marathon training was making him feel hungry all the time (plus he does weights and about 10 million crunches every night).

I was a bit behind Steven in the training, so I was kind of like, “Uh huh, use that as an excuse to eat more. Sure.” I mean, why would running more make you more hungry? That just doesn’t make any sense.

Uh… duh, Kim.

Now I am putting in around 16 miles a week (4 days of running) and a few miscellaneous hours here and there (walking, fencing, wii tennis [ha – can I include that?], etc.) and I am HUNGRY. HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNGRY.

I don’t know why, but I just wasn’t expecting this effect. I thought about how I would have to eat healthy, to fuel my body, but I didn’t think my body would respond by demanding more fuel. I guess it all makes sense though.

It feels really good to eat healthy food all day, then have a long run at night. When I am eating healthy, with fueling my body in mind, it doesn’t feel like work. It doesn’t feel like I am being forced to do it. It just feels good – it feels like the right thing to do. It’s the thing I WANT to do.

Will this half marathon training actually make me have a healthy relationship with food? Is that even possible?

I’ve just noticed that I seem to be less worried about how much I eat, since I am running so much, and actually feel hungry. I feel less guilty, having a treat on a rest day, because I know I will work it off. I feel like I deserve it!

Of course, I must admit that my competitive streak did kick in just a tiny bit on the work Biggest Loser Challenge. More about that tomorrow, but I do realize I need to be careful. I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to be so weak I can’t walk up a flight of stairs – I’ve exercised/eaten so little before that I’ve been in that situation, and it’s awful.

That’s not my intent. When I say I am hungry, it means I am eating more, and enjoying it!

So… we’ll see where all of this goes. I am only 6 weeks into my training. I have 10 weeks of training left – and I will be running quite a bit more during those last 6 or so weeks. Maybe the hunger will go away as my body gets used to running so much. Or maybe I will just have to keep eating more. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as my body continues to adapt if I end up putting in less miles per week after the half marathon.

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By kilax, December 14, 2008 9:26 am

I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention to my little weight-loss tracker on my sidebar… but it has gone up! As in, I’ve gained some weight.

It all started when my family was out here baking cookies, and I ingested 12 pounds of cookie dough/baked goods. Then Thanksgiving came. I tried to eat healthy, but that didn’t last the whole day. Then, with the stress of changing jobs…

See how wonderful I am at making excuses for myself?

It’s amazing that I can be so hard on myself when I make what I perceive as one little mistake (like eating an extra cookie or something) but so easy on myself when I have been just eating away, piling on the pounds, not really taking care of myself, or caring.

What is that about? Really? Where does this mentality come from? “Oh, it’s okay if I pack on a little weight around the holidays! Everyone does, and it will come right off!”

No, it is NOT okay. Because once I start down that track, it is hard to get off of it. I recognize that right now is not the most sensible time to be losing weight, but I do need to stay on track and only allow myself a few indulgences (except Christmas Day – no restrictions then).

The sad thing is, I recognize the triggers that make me overeat – boredom, stress, frustration, guilt, restriction – but I’ve just been ignoring my inner voice. Well, it’s time for that to stop.

I don’t know HOW, but it is time for that to stop. Or at least, for me to stop making excuses for myself.

In other “health” related news, Steven and I have discussed our plan of attack to train for a half marathon (13.1 miles). We are following two  guides from Runner’s World – an 8-week program that takes you from 3 miles to 6 miles, then another 8-week program that takes you from 6 miles to 12 miles. We’ll start the program tomorrow.

There are two half marathons in Illinois in April, but I don’t think we will be ready for them if we follow this training, but I am going to search for a target race for us. I am excited about it! I think this will be a fun adventure to embark on together.

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By kilax, November 24, 2008 1:17 pm

When I went to bed last night, feeling like I was going to throw up from sugar overload, I said, “I don’t want to bake, see or eat another cookie EVER again.”

But when I woke up this morning with a splitting sugar-induced headache, and went downstairs to feed Data, I almost ate one of the cookies sitting out on the counter.

What is that about?

We ended up making 7 different sweets this weekend – caramel popcorn, frosted sugar cookies, caramels, kringla, snickerdoodles, fruitcake and no-bake cookies (we also had toffee and crispix mix to put in all of the gift baskets).

My favorite treat we made – Sugar Cookie Reindeer!

All the sweets we made

Some of the wrapped gift baskets

We had a few issues though. And that made the day a lot more stressful. The first batch of caramels took over an hour to make and turned out too hard. The fruitcake wouldn’t bake, so that ended up being a waste. The kringla got burnt because the temperature was too high on the recipe – only half the batch turned out.

Ugh. At the end of the day, I think all of us were thinking, “Why did we want to do all this?” We still had a ton of fun, but it was too much work. My back has hurt all weekend from standing on my feet so much. And I am dead tired. Oh well. That’s why I took the day off – to catch on rest.

We talked about getting together again next year around this time – but not doing all the baking. Ha!

And now…

… so forget everything I wrote on Saturday about being in control of my eating. Yeah, I was on Saturday, but yesterday was like a free for all with the cookies and sweets we made. I don’t know WHY I thought I would be able to resist. I tried for awhile, but that didn’t really amount to anything.

I am sick of thinking about it and writing about it, but it really helps. So bear with me.

I loved Diane’s comment on my post on Saturday:

Try not to worry too much about gaining weight. I mean, I think it is sort of inevitable that we are all going to do that this week, and that lots of sugar and comfort foods will bloat us up a bit. But real substantial weight gain happens over a long period of time. Get back to your routine as soon as you can and you will be fine!

I felt a lot better after I read that. Because it’s true. I AM going to eat more during the holidays. If I didn’t, I would feel deprived. And all I need to do is get back to my routine as soon as possible.

I realized that there are at least two patterns to my overeating – my crazy, “out-of-control” binges where I stuff my face with whatever is in the house for a short amount of time (like 30 minutes), and the all-day free for alls where I pick and eat at things all day long – never getting uncomfortably full, but always eating, eating, eating.

I’m actually excited that I am learning what is bringing on these beahaviors. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with them to begin with. I think we all have problems though. It’s just… being human. Or… American. Or something.

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By kilax, November 22, 2008 11:25 am

Ask…

… and you shall receive!

My parents arrived bearing gifts last night. Yes, I know I am spoiled!

I am so completely exhausted right now. I don’t think my body has felt this physically exhausted in a long, long time.

My sister, mother, grandma and I got up early and took the train to Chicago My grandma had never been to downtown Chicago! We mostly shopped, but I also had a chance to meet up with my friend Clare, WHO I HAVE NOT SEEN SINCE SHE WAS A BRIDESMAID IN MY WEDDING OVER A YEAR AGO! (Yeah, I was a bit excited!)

Kim, Clare and Katie (a college roommate of hers)

It’s really crazy that you can feel so close to someone, after not seeing them for an entire year. I meet Clare the last semester of college, and I always wish we had gotten to know each other sooner. We immediately clicked. That doesn’t happen often. I wish we could have visited longer today, but she was in town for a conference and had to leave.

We had a lot of fun in Chicago, going to the shops on State Street and Michigan Avenue. We took the train home very late. I am so happy Steven had dinner started when we got home. We cooked, ate, did dishes… and started in with the treats! I made all of my sugar cookie dough so it could cool in the fridge overnight, and my mom started in on the caramel popcorn!

Yummy… cookie dough! I resisted!

It’s just as good as it looks!

Even though it was a somewhat stressful day – not because I am unhappy, but because a lot is going on – I still managed to be in control of my eating. Yes, I ate more than I do on a daily basis, but I didn’t stuff my face. I suppose I just hope to make it through this weekend and next week without gaining weight. It’s going to be hard though. I cannot do my normal exercise for a few days this week, and I get pretty stressed about food around Thanksgiving. But, like I’ve said before, I am just going to keep going and trying.

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By kilax, November 20, 2008 10:40 pm

Every once in awhile, Steven and I go to Sweet Tomatoes, our favorite buffet. We like it because they have a huge salad bar right when you walk in – that is the focus of the place. You make your salad and pay, then there is a little baked goods counter, soup counter, pasta counter, and sweets counter.

I have such a hard time going there.

Even though I make my healthy salad, and steer clear of the baked goods and grab a little dish of pasta… I just gobble it down. I get into some weird “buffet-dining” mentality that I need to eat my food as fast as possible so I can get up for more. And I always get more.

I’ve actually gotten better at eating slower at Sweet Tomatoes (and at home, and other restaurants), but every time I go there, I eat a lot more than I should. I don’t get a stomach ache or anything like that, but I just eat too much. Because it’s a buffet. And I feel all weird and rushed. And I feel deprived. And sad. Sad that I am not eating as much as I used to at a buffet, before I started caring about my health.

Today I was thinking about what it would be like to stop counting calories and just listen to my hunger. What would happen if I ate when I was hungry, rather than sticking to the allotted meals and snacks I have set up for myself throughout the day? Would I eat less? Would I eat more? Would I lose weight? Would I gain weight?

I really want to do that – stop counting, stop worrying. Stop thinking about it. But I don’t think I am ready. I really don’t think I am ready to live that guilt-free of a life. I have been having some binging issues lately. I’ve been avoiding some emotions, and eating them out instead. I feel that, until I conquer emotional eating, I may not be ready to listen to my hunger, because I am not really listening to it. I am letting my emotions dictate my eating patterns. And that just feels awful.

I am just going to see how the next few weeks go. This is a stressful time for me. I’d still like to lose some weight, and I think counting calories may be the way to do that. Oh, and avoiding the buffet.

On the side: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE someone help me with wordpress. I could not login to my admin panel tonight for a very long time. It just kept resetting every time I entered my login and password. I tried a million things to fix it, and nothing worked very well. I am not sure what finally got it.

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By kilax, November 12, 2008 9:29 pm

During the summer I lived in Rome by myself, I spent a long weekend visiting a classmate who was working in London (July 15-17 in the archives).

I arrived on Friday while he was still at work. The first thing I did when I got into the airport was go into a shop and stock up on snacks. Then when I arrived in the city, I did the same thing. I walked to the British Museum, eating all of my snacks along the way. After leaving the museum, I stopped and sat in a park, and had some more snacks. I later meet up with him to tour his office and have dinner.

I was constantly absorbed with thoughts of when the next time I would get to eat would be. I was not hungry at all, but that was the only thought I could concentrate on. It was like that in Rome too. I was in an office, around coworkers all day, and felt like I could never eat the things I wanted in the office. I waited until my hour long lunch break to run to the stores and stuff my face silly. Sometimes I would go to a regular grocery store, a bakery and a gelateria. All during an hour!

My friend and I spent all day that Saturday exploring London with another friend of his. We went to a few parks, museums, shops. It was a surprisingly beautiful day.

What was even more surprising to me that day, was that I did not spend every moment thinking about food, or when I would get to have something to eat. I was genuinely enjoying the day, and the thoughts of food were gone. I felt hunger again.

That situation was a real eye-opener for me. Even that day, I remember saying “I forgot to eat! I need to get a snack!” I actually felt light headed. Instead of feeling stuffed and uncomfortable like I always did, I actually was experiencing real hunger.

Thinking back on it, I realize that I was eating so much when I was in Rome because I was lonely. At first it wasn’t like that – the first half of my summer there went really well. I was eating well, exploring, and volunteering. But something changed in me. I think I started to feel true loneliness for the first time, but I didn’t know what emotion it was.

It was so dumb, because I couldn’t figure it out when it was happening. I couldn’t figure out why I was eating so much. I think I was just stuffing my face to forget the fact that I didn’t have any close family or friends around.

Anyway, I thought about this a lot yesterday and today. Yesterday I went out to lunch with two people. I had a weird panic during lunch that caused me to scarf down my salad and eat a lot more bread than I normally would have. Then I spent the rest of lunch sitting there anxiously, thinking about what more I could eat when I got back to the office. It was the same feeling I had been having all the time in Rome. I got back to the office and ate and ate and ate. I did NOT stop the binge this time.

Today, I went out to lunch and it was a completely different situation. I felt comfortable, was able to eat slowly, and enjoy the conversation, as well as my food.

What was different between the two days? My emotions. Yesterday I felt on edge, uncomfortable, and nervous with the people I was with. Today I felt at ease, happy and calm.

It’s too bad that yesterday’s lunch made me have this reaction. But it also taught me something about myself – that I have a tendency to overeat when I am feeling uncomfortable, and that it is easy for it to spiral out of control.

Identifying what is making me uncomfortable is the key to tackling it. I know what it is now, so I am able to work against it. I just have to remember to do that in the future – identify my emotions first. Before I start eating.

There’s no point in being upset about it. Today was a new day. A much better day! Yeah, I probably won’t lose any weight this week, but so what? I still ran 2.5 miles tonight and it felt great. I am still the lightest I have been in the last 4 years. One (or two or three) bad days isn’t going to kill me.

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By kilax, November 9, 2008 5:45 pm

I just want to have a normal relationship with food. I do NOT want to:

• Spend my days counting calories.
• Feel guilty every weekend for eating more than I do on weekdays.
• Feel anxious about eating out.
• Feel anxious about eating in public.
• Feel anxious about eating ALL THE TIME.
• Worry I will regain all of the weight I have lost.
• Worry I will stop caring about myself again.

Someone please tell me this is possible. Because right now, I feel like I spend so much of my time thinking about eating/health/weight loss it is sickening.

I’ve been spending my weekends and free time searching for other weight loss and health blogs on the internet for inspiration. I now have a folder of 50+ of them in google reader. I’ve found so many cool people going through the same thing I am (there are a few that I would love to recommend – Escape from Obesity, Morgan Gets Thin, Perfect in our Imperfections, Coming Clean: Tales of a Disordered Eater), but I worry that I am being too obsessive. I worry I am thinking about being healthy too much and not living my life.

I’m reading another “food and health” book – Intuitive Eating. Yes, another one. I saw this book recommended in quite a few places. I always read these books with a grain of salt… but I am still picking them up and reading them. I guess I am hoping for some revolutionary insight? I already know I overeat when stressed/anxious/bored. Someone please just reprogram me so I don’t do that anymore.

This book is an anti-diet book that focuses on getting back to “intuitive eating” – basically listening to hunger cues and following that instead of a diet.

Well, I’ve never followed a diet, but I do have internal rules for myself about eating. Maybe, just maybe, I can learn to have a normal relationship with food. How many posts have I ended saying that?

Why I am feeling so stressed/anxious/nervous/restless all the time? When will this go away?! When?!

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By kilax, October 21, 2008 10:12 pm

During the summer, when Steven and I were participating in a bowling league, we got into the habit of eating at a specific Subway each league night. We really like the guy who works at this Subway. He always smiles, asks us how we were doing, and makes a good sandwich (he doesn’t skimp on the ingredients!)

We haven’t been to this Subway in awhile. We decided to stop tonight, and the conversation started with the normal, “Hey guys, how are you doing?” along with asking our orders.

Then, while our veggie patties were cooking, he said to me, “You look different.”

I stood there, wondering what was going to come out of his mouth next.

“You look skinny!”

I said, “Thanks. We’ve been running.” Then we started to joke about how there would be “no more Subway cookies” for me.

I really appreciated him noticing. It’s nice when people notice, and say something. And not just about weight loss – about anything – a job well done, a favor you did, a nice outfit, etc. It’s always nice to receive compliments/praise.

Anyway, this reminded me of something I’ve been thinking about. And that is… are people more likely to notice a change in someone else’s weight if they haven’t seen them in a long time/don’t see them on a daily basis?

This may be a shallow thing to think about, but I’ve just been wondering. I barely even notice a change in my weight, unless I look at before and after photos. Yeah, I feel different, but I don’t notice the day to day changes. So, do you think the people you see on a regular basis notice any change? Or do you think it takes them a long time to realize you look different?

Please don’t misinterpret me on this. I am not asking because I expect more comments from other people, I am asking because I tend not to notice subtle changes in others; only the big changes. Unless I haven’t seen them for quite some time. Then I notice.

Comments (14)

By kilax, September 19, 2008 5:47 am

Are you a creature of habit, food wise? Do you eat the same thing everyday? Are there any foods/drinks, you feel like you have to consume on a daily basis? Or… do you like some variety?

Since I am on the “healthy lifestyle” quest, I am very conscious of what I consume everyday. I generally eat a rotation of the same food groups each day – vegetables, whole grains, fruit, (soy) protein – but I try to eat a different variety within that group each day so that I don’t get bored with it.

I have to have carbohydrates everyday though – I could never give them up. I like to “graze” – eating small snacks throughout the day, rather than typical “meals,” to keep my metabolism up. I finish with a medium-sized dinner. I don’t feel like there is one food I must have on a daily basis though, except warm oatmeal at work for breakfast. It makes starting the work day so much more pleasant for me.

You know, I really hate being this conscious of food, and what I am eating all the time. It makes dining out a TOTAL headache. BUT – I am trying to enjoy life and enjoy food. I am trying not to feel guilty if I eat something that is a lot higher in calories than I normally would. And I am hoping that this will all become more natural with time. I mean, it has to!