Comments (18)

By kilax, January 20, 2009 1:01 pm

Someone in my office is organizing a 12-week biggest loser (weight loss) challenge. You buy in for $12.  You weigh in each week by Wednesday afternoon (I’ll weigh in on Tuesdays). You pay $2 for each pound gained a week, and $2 if you miss a weigh-in without advance warning. To buy out of the competition, you have to pay out $2 for each week remaining. The cash prize is split between the top 3 losers in the end (55%, 25% and 20% – the winner is calculated by percentage lost, not total pounds).

This has “bad idea” written ALL over it, right?

Of course, I signed up.

I don’t think the idea of winning money will motivate me to lose weight. Or the idea of having to pay money for weight gained. And I don’t even think having someone holding me accountable will make me work any harder either. It might make me feel guilty if I gain weight, but that’s about it.

I think I just thought, “What the hell – I am training for a half marathon and pretty soon I will be putting in between 20-25 miles a week on the treadmill. I might end up losing some weight naturally.” We’ll see what comes of that.

Would you participate in something like this? It seems a bit too private to take to work, but because I’ve just started at this office, and barely know anyone, I don’t care if one person knows what my weight is from week to week.

Revealing it on this blog though, feels impossible. It’s not that I am embarrassed by it; it’s just information I would prefer not to share with family. They already know enough about me and my food struggles as it is, reading this crap. I feel like a number makes my problems even more tangible.

Comments (14)

By kilax, November 29, 2008 10:55 pm

It’s back.

That “I don’t care about me” feeling. That “I’m just going to eat whatever I want, who cares?” feeling.

I was afraid this would happen. I mentioned before that I had no idea what changed in me to make me WANT to be healthy. And not knowing what was allowing me to finally live a healthy life scared me that it wouldn’t last.

But I do know what is making me feel this way now. No, it is not Thanksgiving, or the stress of the holidays. It is guilt.

I feel guilty for making a few decisions* lately that benefit me and not others. I feel guilty for putting myself first.

Really.

I realized this the other day. I am punishing myself for feeling guilty. Punishing myself by EATING. How do you punish yourself with food? You eat and eat until you feel so stuffed that you are uncomfortable. A lot of you may have never done that, but I bet there are a few of you out there who know what I am talking about.

I’ve only had a few incidences when I’ve felt that super uncomfortable feeling, but it’s scary.

Guilt is not the only emotion that has driven me to overeat this past week. I’ve also been bored, frustrated and uncomfortable… and eating to cover those emotions. Guilt just happens to be the big one – the overriding emotion that is making me feel super stressed out. The feeling that is always in the back of my mind.

And yeah, yeah, yeah… I am happy to have “figured out” what is causing me to feel so out of control, but that is not stopping me from feeling out of control. Or stressed out. Or anxious, all the time.

I’m just worried. Worried about giving up. Worried that I am not meant to be healthy. Even writing that now, it isn’t logical, but that is how I feel. Like I don’t deserve to be healthy, and happy and guilt-free.

*I apologize for being so vague. I want to give more details, but not right now. I already feel uncomfortable enough, writing all this!

Comments (9)

By kilax, November 20, 2008 10:40 pm

Every once in awhile, Steven and I go to Sweet Tomatoes, our favorite buffet. We like it because they have a huge salad bar right when you walk in – that is the focus of the place. You make your salad and pay, then there is a little baked goods counter, soup counter, pasta counter, and sweets counter.

I have such a hard time going there.

Even though I make my healthy salad, and steer clear of the baked goods and grab a little dish of pasta… I just gobble it down. I get into some weird “buffet-dining” mentality that I need to eat my food as fast as possible so I can get up for more. And I always get more.

I’ve actually gotten better at eating slower at Sweet Tomatoes (and at home, and other restaurants), but every time I go there, I eat a lot more than I should. I don’t get a stomach ache or anything like that, but I just eat too much. Because it’s a buffet. And I feel all weird and rushed. And I feel deprived. And sad. Sad that I am not eating as much as I used to at a buffet, before I started caring about my health.

Today I was thinking about what it would be like to stop counting calories and just listen to my hunger. What would happen if I ate when I was hungry, rather than sticking to the allotted meals and snacks I have set up for myself throughout the day? Would I eat less? Would I eat more? Would I lose weight? Would I gain weight?

I really want to do that – stop counting, stop worrying. Stop thinking about it. But I don’t think I am ready. I really don’t think I am ready to live that guilt-free of a life. I have been having some binging issues lately. I’ve been avoiding some emotions, and eating them out instead. I feel that, until I conquer emotional eating, I may not be ready to listen to my hunger, because I am not really listening to it. I am letting my emotions dictate my eating patterns. And that just feels awful.

I am just going to see how the next few weeks go. This is a stressful time for me. I’d still like to lose some weight, and I think counting calories may be the way to do that. Oh, and avoiding the buffet.

On the side: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE someone help me with wordpress. I could not login to my admin panel tonight for a very long time. It just kept resetting every time I entered my login and password. I tried a million things to fix it, and nothing worked very well. I am not sure what finally got it.

Comments (8)

By kilax, November 12, 2008 9:29 pm

During the summer I lived in Rome by myself, I spent a long weekend visiting a classmate who was working in London (July 15-17 in the archives).

I arrived on Friday while he was still at work. The first thing I did when I got into the airport was go into a shop and stock up on snacks. Then when I arrived in the city, I did the same thing. I walked to the British Museum, eating all of my snacks along the way. After leaving the museum, I stopped and sat in a park, and had some more snacks. I later meet up with him to tour his office and have dinner.

I was constantly absorbed with thoughts of when the next time I would get to eat would be. I was not hungry at all, but that was the only thought I could concentrate on. It was like that in Rome too. I was in an office, around coworkers all day, and felt like I could never eat the things I wanted in the office. I waited until my hour long lunch break to run to the stores and stuff my face silly. Sometimes I would go to a regular grocery store, a bakery and a gelateria. All during an hour!

My friend and I spent all day that Saturday exploring London with another friend of his. We went to a few parks, museums, shops. It was a surprisingly beautiful day.

What was even more surprising to me that day, was that I did not spend every moment thinking about food, or when I would get to have something to eat. I was genuinely enjoying the day, and the thoughts of food were gone. I felt hunger again.

That situation was a real eye-opener for me. Even that day, I remember saying “I forgot to eat! I need to get a snack!” I actually felt light headed. Instead of feeling stuffed and uncomfortable like I always did, I actually was experiencing real hunger.

Thinking back on it, I realize that I was eating so much when I was in Rome because I was lonely. At first it wasn’t like that – the first half of my summer there went really well. I was eating well, exploring, and volunteering. But something changed in me. I think I started to feel true loneliness for the first time, but I didn’t know what emotion it was.

It was so dumb, because I couldn’t figure it out when it was happening. I couldn’t figure out why I was eating so much. I think I was just stuffing my face to forget the fact that I didn’t have any close family or friends around.

Anyway, I thought about this a lot yesterday and today. Yesterday I went out to lunch with two people. I had a weird panic during lunch that caused me to scarf down my salad and eat a lot more bread than I normally would have. Then I spent the rest of lunch sitting there anxiously, thinking about what more I could eat when I got back to the office. It was the same feeling I had been having all the time in Rome. I got back to the office and ate and ate and ate. I did NOT stop the binge this time.

Today, I went out to lunch and it was a completely different situation. I felt comfortable, was able to eat slowly, and enjoy the conversation, as well as my food.

What was different between the two days? My emotions. Yesterday I felt on edge, uncomfortable, and nervous with the people I was with. Today I felt at ease, happy and calm.

It’s too bad that yesterday’s lunch made me have this reaction. But it also taught me something about myself – that I have a tendency to overeat when I am feeling uncomfortable, and that it is easy for it to spiral out of control.

Identifying what is making me uncomfortable is the key to tackling it. I know what it is now, so I am able to work against it. I just have to remember to do that in the future – identify my emotions first. Before I start eating.

There’s no point in being upset about it. Today was a new day. A much better day! Yeah, I probably won’t lose any weight this week, but so what? I still ran 2.5 miles tonight and it felt great. I am still the lightest I have been in the last 4 years. One (or two or three) bad days isn’t going to kill me.

Comments (15)

By kilax, November 1, 2008 7:04 pm

I actually have good news about my goal to eat slower.

I’ve been consciously putting my fork down between bites, chewing slowly and thoughtfully, and waiting to pick up the fork and get a small bite AFTER my mouth is empty.

And it’s been working! I’ve noticed my meals are lasting longer, and I feel full sooner.

I didn’t realize it until I started working on this, but I had been basically shoveling food into my mouth. Now, when I reach for more food, I actually stop myself and wait until I am done chewing. It sounds dumb, but it is really helping.

The other day, Steven finished his meal at Subway before me. This never happens. But this time, I was eating slow and really talking a lot.

So Steven is sitting there, waiting for me to finish and says, “Is there a speed somewhere between fast and… that?”

Ha ha.

Remember my other goal, actually, goals, from the beginning of the month? Let’s revisit them. I’ll cross out the ones that I accomplished:

• I posted here every day That kind of happened
• I finished drawing the sketch of a friend’s home based on measurements I took in… June – I didn’t do this, and still feel guilty
• I actually opened the LEED book I borrowed from my father-in-law last winter and READ it
• I gave Steven the photoshop lessons I’ve been promising him – guilty about this too
• I wrote a letter to my friend Rixa, who lives in Rome – working on this today!
• I finally visited my new nephew! (We plan on it)
• I ran another 5k (with Steven)
• I got rid of some of the jiggle in my butt and thighs – But not through toning, just through exercise
  
• I lost ten pounds

So I guess writing goals down may or may not be an effective method for me!

Comments (12)

By kilax, October 26, 2008 7:04 am

Last night, Steven (and I) made homemade veggie patties.

They took about 45 minutes to make. We had to chop up carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, green onion, zucchini and celery, then add spices to that mix and saute it all in a pan. We eventually mixed in some flour until it got to the right consistency, then took it all out to form into patties and cook like normal veggie burgers.

Voila!

Every time I spend a lot of time in the kitchen cooking something (okay, helping Steven cook something, I am only a sous chef, afterall), I think about how fast I eat. Last night was no different. Even though the pattie was big, and a little bit squishy and falling apart… I still scarfed it down. We had our veggie patties with fresh broccoli, and I ate it all so fast, I got a little bit of an upset stomach.

Okay, I don’t just think about this problem when something takes a long time to prepare. I think about it a lot. And have probably mentioned it before.

No matter where I am, no matter what I am eating, I scarf it down. I eat so fast, I am usually the first one done. I have to consciously try to eat slow in restaurants with friends so I don’t finish too soon and feel like an idiot.

I’ve read all the tips on how to slow down while eating:

• Eat at the dining room table
• Use a fork and knife
• Put your silverware down between each bite
• Chew each bite 30 times before swallowing
• Don’t put more food into your mouth until it’s empty
• Chat to others at the table
• Turn off the tv/computer while eating
• Pay attention to the taste and texture while you’re eating
• Avoid eating on the run
• Eat foods that require some work
• Use chopsticks!

But even though I know all of these tricks, I don’t follow them. Even though I sit down at every meal, thinking “Today’s going to be the day! I am going to have a nice, long, slow meal!” – it never is.

I know the benefits of eating slower. I wouldn’t get an upset stomach (although that rarely happens). I might eat less, because my stomach figures out I am full sooner than normal. I might enjoy the food.

I might actually develop a normal relationship with food!

If I don’t approach each meal acting like it is going to be my last, I may be able to take away some of the power that food has over me. I might eat for enjoyment. I might eat to fuel my body.

This has been a problem I’ve had all my life. Somehow, I feel like now, I can tackle it and overcome it. I would love to sit down at Thanksgiving dinner with a plate full of delicious food, taking small bites and savoring each one (and maybe not going back for seconds!).

I’ll let you know how it all goes.

Comments (13)

By kilax, October 21, 2008 10:12 pm

During the summer, when Steven and I were participating in a bowling league, we got into the habit of eating at a specific Subway each league night. We really like the guy who works at this Subway. He always smiles, asks us how we were doing, and makes a good sandwich (he doesn’t skimp on the ingredients!)

We haven’t been to this Subway in awhile. We decided to stop tonight, and the conversation started with the normal, “Hey guys, how are you doing?” along with asking our orders.

Then, while our veggie patties were cooking, he said to me, “You look different.”

I stood there, wondering what was going to come out of his mouth next.

“You look skinny!”

I said, “Thanks. We’ve been running.” Then we started to joke about how there would be “no more Subway cookies” for me.

I really appreciated him noticing. It’s nice when people notice, and say something. And not just about weight loss – about anything – a job well done, a favor you did, a nice outfit, etc. It’s always nice to receive compliments/praise.

Anyway, this reminded me of something I’ve been thinking about. And that is… are people more likely to notice a change in someone else’s weight if they haven’t seen them in a long time/don’t see them on a daily basis?

This may be a shallow thing to think about, but I’ve just been wondering. I barely even notice a change in my weight, unless I look at before and after photos. Yeah, I feel different, but I don’t notice the day to day changes. So, do you think the people you see on a regular basis notice any change? Or do you think it takes them a long time to realize you look different?

Please don’t misinterpret me on this. I am not asking because I expect more comments from other people, I am asking because I tend not to notice subtle changes in others; only the big changes. Unless I haven’t seen them for quite some time. Then I notice.

Comments (21)

By kilax, October 15, 2008 5:51 am

It’s time for me to reread Life is Hard, Food is Easy, by Linda Spangle.

It’s also time for me to 100% honest. To let it all out.

This is going to be a long one…

Steven and I have a typical weekday routine. It’s nice for me. He gets home first and makes dinner. I get home, dinner is made, we eat. We almost immediately exercise outside, together, or move camp upstairs to use the treadmill.

Last night, Steven got home about an hour after I did. Of course, no dinner was made when I got home (Thanks a lot, Data).

I immediately started to have a weird “out-of-routine” panic. I wanted to make dinner and eat together, but I knew we would be eating too late for both of us to use the treadmill or exercise outside together.

So, what happened? I tried to busy myself by cleaning up the kitchen before preparing dinner.

But I was feeling stressed, anxious, and nervous. How I’ve felt since Sunday. There’s more bothering me than what I’ve mentioned in my lovely “Why I’m Pissed Off Today” series. I’ve been externally avoiding these things (not talking about them), while internally dwelling on them and feeding my “pissed off” mood.

I think I’ve created a self-fulfilling pissed off mood. Anyway.

It happened. Those leftover, p.o.s., “I’m too pissed off to take these ugly oatmeal raisin cookies to work” (long story) cookies were sitting on the counter, all crumbled up in a container. Stupid p.o.s. cookies.

I ate one crumble. Yum. I ate more. I kept eating. I couldn’t stop. Inside my head I was telling myself, “No! You have to eat dinner with Steven soon!” But I couldn’t stop my hand and mouth. I was just grabbing them as fast as I could and chewing them even faster.

It literally felt like something took over me.

Somehow, I stepped away, and sat down on the couch with my computer. Steven called, and I told him about it. He suggested throwing the cookies away. I did. I am thankful for that.

I still ate dinner. But I didn’t exercise. In fact, I laid in bed while Steven exercised, feeling cranky and upset. About so many things.

I tried to be reassuring. I told myself, “You only ate about 600 extra calories! You’ll be fine! No biggie! Sometimes you eat more than that at a restaurant and still lose weight!” (see how positive my self-talk can be?)

This morning, I stepped on the scale. I have a love/hate relationship with the scale. As in, I love it when the number goes down, and hate it when it stays the same or goes up.

I still weigh myself every day, to keep on track. My dream is that someday, when I am “maintaining” my weight, I will only step on that b*tch once a week. Ha.

It said I went up TWO pounds. This is illogical. I did not eat THAT much. I quickly came up with reasons in my head to defend the gain, then told myself, “STOP – STOP DOING THIS!”

Stop obsessing.

I should be proud of myself. Last weekend, I got my “Size 12” box out of my closet. It had been on a shelf since last winter. Everything fits. Everything. Shouldn’t I be proud of that? I am moving through clothing sizes so fast now (so fast, that I am wasting money when I buy new pants – they only fit for a month or so).

I was a size 18. My goal is a size 10 (maybe smaller). I’m so close. But still, I obsess.

I worry. I think about food too much. I’m afraid of food. I. Have. To. Be. In. Control.

This weekend, Steven and I are traveling to Iowa to visit my family. We even took Friday off from work. I am excited about the trip. I haven’t seen some of my family since June!

But I worry. Like I always do. I worry I won’t have a good time unless I am stuffing my face. I worry I will eat too many “bad foods.” I worry about losing self-control.

Seriously. What’s the big deal, if every once in awhile, I let things go and eat more? (A lot more)

I beat myself up about it though. Even though I am telling myself, “This isn’t a big deal, Kim! It’s just one time weekend! You eat healthy all the time! Give yourself a break, girl! You deserve it!” I still feel guilty.

I have such an unhealthy, warped relationship with food/eating.

I’m so into “self-help,” I am convinced I can “fix” myself.

I read this book the last time (sad to write that) I lost a lot of weight, and I have reread a few sections since then.

It’s funny how I only read health books/fitness magazines when I am already in the process of a healthy lifestyle. I guess when I am not following a healthy lifestyle, I just feel too hopeless to even kid myself by opening it.

Anyway. I remember that I connected with this book so much when I read it.. that it was eerie.

Of course, I always think I am the only person who has overeating/binge problems. I’m not. But I forget.

The book links certain emotions with food and recommends a 5-step plan to overcome, essentially, eating your emotions.

I’m always weary of “step” programs. But the rest of the book seems so smart – I feel like it is speaking directly to me – that I think it is time for a reread/rethink. There must be something in there to help me.

I have to share the portion of the book that really “clicks” with me. The author identifies two kinds of “hunger” that bring on the emotional eating reflex – “head hunger” and “heart hunger.”

Head Hunger begins with a specific craving for something chewy, crunchy or textured (examples – chewy: candy bars, trail mix, steak; crunchy: nuts, breakfast cereal; textured: pizza, fries). “Head hunger is usually prompted by pressure-type emotions like anger, frustration or resentment.”

Heart Hunger doesn’t bring up specific cravings. You just have to eat and begin to mindlessly search for things (this used to happen to me A LOT). You often pick something soft, smooth or creamy (examples: ice cream, cheese, chocolate, cake, mashed potatoes, ethnic foods). “Heart hunger usually creeps in gradually.” It’s fueled by subtle emotions like loneliness, boredom, fatigue, need for love, etc.

Gosh. How can a book understand me that well? Why don’t I “understand me” that well?

Seriously. Can you relate to these descriptions at all?

The book goes on with steps to deal with the emotions in other ways than eating. The method is more than just distracting yourself, if I recall correctly.

I feel hopeful just writing about it.

The funny thing is, overeating/binging hasn’t been a huge problem for me lately. But last night scared me. I used to eat like that ALL THE TIME. And I’ve mentioned that I don’t understand how my mood suddenly changed to allow me to follow a healthy lifestyle.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to stay at a healthy weight.

Right now, I’m at my “plateau” weight. The weight I always get to and stall, then regain. I was hoping to just bust right past it. But I am dwelling on it too much. I’ve got to let it go. I’ve got to give my body time.

I think the whole “Body Mass Index” (BMI) is kind of bs, but I am in the overweight category with a 28.7. I’m almost “obese.” I’d just like to get into the “normal weight” range and STAY THERE.

But you know what? That’s probably not truly “normal.” Normal for most people is probably just like me, having issues and struggling with food.

But, we try. Right?

So, I’m going to keep trying. I already feel better. Thanks for reading.

Comments (19)

By kilax, September 23, 2008 5:25 pm

Everyone’s bodies are affected differently by weight loss/gain, but I always lose/gain weight in the same area first.

Can you guess what it is?

I’ll give you a hint: I’ve already dropped two sizes there.

From a D to a B.

Yeah.

I didn’t believe the Victoria’s Secret salesperson helping me in the dressing room. She took my measurements, and gleefully said, “Yep, you’re a B!”

I later asked Steven if he heard me scream, “A B?!” from the dressing room. I guess the music was too loud for him to hear me though (that, and he was too busy feeling disturbed by all the teeny-boppers there buying lacy bras and thongs).

I didn’t believe the salesperson. And I was so frustrated at that point (by the ridiculous amount of people there and the nauseating fragrance area), I just grabbed a B-size bra, bought it, and left. I was sure when I got home, it wouldn’t fit, and I would have to take and back and say, “See! I am at least a C!”

Nope. It fit perfectly.

Which means I need to make an investment in some new bras. And hope that I don’t lose any more weight in that area.

Tell me – when you lose (or gain) weight, where do you first see results?

Comments (18)

By kilax, July 22, 2008 12:56 pm

On Tuesday mornings, sales representatives visit our office to promote their products, as well as (more importantly?) give us free breakfast.

Every week it’s something different – bagels, croissants, yogurt, huge fruit platters, quiche (someone brought two huge quiches today!), donuts, etc.

Normal people can go to the presentation, listen to it, wait patiently to grab one thing to eat at their desk, and call it a day. Not me. I have the unique capability to eat and eat and eat, whether or not it tastes good, until I get too lazy to get up anymore.

So since I have been trying to eat healthy lately, I’ve been attending the presentations, but not eating ANYTHING AT ALL (with the small, occasional exception of a few bites of fresh fruit). Even though the quiche smells amazing, the croissants look incredibly soft and flaky, and they brought that yummy strawberry cream cheese… I am mentally saying “no.”

And that is because I don’t know moderation. Only restriction and indulgence.

I’ve never learned moderation. Even when I’ve been at my healthiest, I’ve still been extremely careful about what I eat. I’ve flirted with moderation a bit – counting out how many chips is a serving, only eating one piece of chocolate. Yeah, it feels good to have that control, but it is not something that comes natural.

I’ve always been an “all-or-nothing” person when it comes to eating. So that is why I will write here that I am eating healthy, but then when we go out together, I’ll stuff my face. That’s because I’d rather eat what I want at a restaurant then eat something “healthy” that isn’t what I really wanted… and probably doesn’t even taste that good! And after I eat all of that yummy restaurant food, I will get back on my healthy eating plan.

I know I should be able to eat half a croissant, or half of a veggie burger, or whatever, and moderate it. But I can’t. I’m really trying to work on it so I can be a more normal person though.

On the side: I constantly feel like I am repeating myself here. Constantly. Ha. I think half of that feeling is true – I AM repeating myself. But I think the other half is that I am so familiar with the thoughts I am sharing with you, I only FEEL like I am repeating myself. So, if I really am repeating topics… sorry!