The first time I discovered hunger
During the summer I lived in Rome by myself, I spent a long weekend visiting a classmate who was working in London (July 15-17 in the archives).
I arrived on Friday while he was still at work. The first thing I did when I got into the airport was go into a shop and stock up on snacks. Then when I arrived in the city, I did the same thing. I walked to the British Museum, eating all of my snacks along the way. After leaving the museum, I stopped and sat in a park, and had some more snacks. I later meet up with him to tour his office and have dinner.
I was constantly absorbed with thoughts of when the next time I would get to eat would be. I was not hungry at all, but that was the only thought I could concentrate on. It was like that in Rome too. I was in an office, around coworkers all day, and felt like I could never eat the things I wanted in the office. I waited until my hour long lunch break to run to the stores and stuff my face silly. Sometimes I would go to a regular grocery store, a bakery and a gelateria. All during an hour!
My friend and I spent all day that Saturday exploring London with another friend of his. We went to a few parks, museums, shops. It was a surprisingly beautiful day.
What was even more surprising to me that day, was that I did not spend every moment thinking about food, or when I would get to have something to eat. I was genuinely enjoying the day, and the thoughts of food were gone. I felt hunger again.
That situation was a real eye-opener for me. Even that day, I remember saying “I forgot to eat! I need to get a snack!” I actually felt light headed. Instead of feeling stuffed and uncomfortable like I always did, I actually was experiencing real hunger.
Thinking back on it, I realize that I was eating so much when I was in Rome because I was lonely. At first it wasn’t like that – the first half of my summer there went really well. I was eating well, exploring, and volunteering. But something changed in me. I think I started to feel true loneliness for the first time, but I didn’t know what emotion it was.
It was so dumb, because I couldn’t figure it out when it was happening. I couldn’t figure out why I was eating so much. I think I was just stuffing my face to forget the fact that I didn’t have any close family or friends around.
Anyway, I thought about this a lot yesterday and today. Yesterday I went out to lunch with two people. I had a weird panic during lunch that caused me to scarf down my salad and eat a lot more bread than I normally would have. Then I spent the rest of lunch sitting there anxiously, thinking about what more I could eat when I got back to the office. It was the same feeling I had been having all the time in Rome. I got back to the office and ate and ate and ate. I did NOT stop the binge this time.
Today, I went out to lunch and it was a completely different situation. I felt comfortable, was able to eat slowly, and enjoy the conversation, as well as my food.
What was different between the two days? My emotions. Yesterday I felt on edge, uncomfortable, and nervous with the people I was with. Today I felt at ease, happy and calm.
It’s too bad that yesterday’s lunch made me have this reaction. But it also taught me something about myself – that I have a tendency to overeat when I am feeling uncomfortable, and that it is easy for it to spiral out of control.
Identifying what is making me uncomfortable is the key to tackling it. I know what it is now, so I am able to work against it. I just have to remember to do that in the future – identify my emotions first. Before I start eating.
There’s no point in being upset about it. Today was a new day. A much better day! Yeah, I probably won’t lose any weight this week, but so what? I still ran 2.5 miles tonight and it felt great. I am still the lightest I have been in the last 4 years. One (or two or three) bad days isn’t going to kill me.
Themocracy
Knowing that trigger and paying attention to it is so important. That’s a great revelation! With that knowledge you can continue to make progress. Good for you. 🙂
Writing this took courage, a whole lotta courage! Just the fact that you are laying it all out there is going to help you figure this out. I’m rooting for you! Keep examining, asking, questioning – it’s such a complicated puzzle, but some how I just know you’re going to make it all fit together. I’ve wondered these same things but never said them out loud – you’ve got some brass writing it here and I pray you will figure it out! Look at how far you’ve come 😉
sizzle – I hope I can continue to pay attention to it, even as hard emotions come up. Thank you for your encouragement 🙂
jQ – Thanks. I was thinking that last night – “I can’t believe I wrote that, but it felt so good to get it out.” And just writing things here helps me figure them out… even if my writing doesn’t make sense sometimes! 🙂
i think that’s awesome that you figured out one of your “triggers” and i must agree with jQ on being able to post something so personal. i’m really glad you did though!!! i like the positive attitude about today being a new day and even if you don’t lose any weight this week it’s ok!!! keep up the excellent work!!!
=^..^=
You are becoming more aware and that is going to help you change the bad habits. It never happens overnight. I think you are doing great because you are also exercising and that is really important. **makes note to take her own advice** This was brave and very well written. Kudos to you!
CourtneyInControl – Thanks for your encouragement! Now that I’ve figured out my triggers, it’s time to figure out how to tackle them.
teeni – Ha ha. I like your note! 😛 Thanks for your kind words 🙂 I need to remember that it will not happen overnight.
Love that you put this into words!!!
I have always had a love/hate relationship with food and alot has to do with it always being a constant during anything (happiness, sadness, ect). It also is a filler for blank times!!!
Felicia – It’s always there. You’re right. It’s always the familiar thing. So whether it is a move, or a new job, or a breakup… you can eat.