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By kilax, November 6, 2018 6:12 am

During my annual review at work last week, one of my constructive criticisms was that when I am told to do something I don’t know how to do, I say “I don’t know how to do that,” then find someone who knows how.

The feedback was that time and time again, I’ve figured out how to do things I don’t know how to do, so when tasked with something like that, I should build on that past confidence to figure it out. And not say “I don’t know how to do that.”

Bottom line – they don’t want to hear “I don’t know how to do that.” Fair enough.

I know I need to change this instinctual response. I need to replace “I don’t know how to do that,” with “I’ll figure it out.” The first response is way too negative, and probably makes it sound like I am not going to figure things out, even though I always do.

And figuring it out will still involve, yes, me asking people who’ve done it before for advice. Because I don’t need to reinvent the wheel with most things I do at work. Especially procedural things. I prefer being taught. I prefer being efficient, when possible.

It’s funny I got this feedback right before a work day trip where I was going to do something I’ve never done before, and feeling nervous about it. How did I prepare? By asking people on my team who’ve done it before for tips and lessons learned. Did I say it was my first time and I didn’t know how to do it? To coworkers, yes. It’s almost like I do that to set expectations – hey, just a heads up, I have no idea how to do this, because I wasn’t trained on it, and never thought I’d have to, and don’t want it to be part of my job. But I’m gonna do my best! (Ha, not what I actually said…)

It all boils down to change being hard (and me being stubborn). My job is so different from when I started, and I understand why, but the new work doesn’t appeal to me. I work hard, but I don’t enjoy it. It’s rare I get excited about things at work anymore.

Luckily I work somewhere with lots of positions so I keep watching for something new! And yes, I can use a more positive vocabulary while I do so.

I just have such a hard time not saying what I’m thinking… or showing my reaction on my face even if I don’t say anything (ha, that was another constructive criticism years ago). But I can continue to work on that, and fake it until I make it at work!

No related picture, so here’s one from yesterday’s run

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By kilax, October 25, 2018 6:18 am

• Yesterday when I was leaving work and getting in the elevator, two people walked out with cake. After the doors closed, I said to the guy in the elevator with me “Ooo, cake! Someone must be having a retirement party.” Then he said something about the party, and “You don’t need that cake.” Then he paused and said, “and neither do I.” UM WTF kind of response is that to my stupid small talk? GFY, telling me I don’t need cake. Jeebus.
• I’ve said it before, but I’d love one day where everything I pick up, set down, or reach for doesn’t fall to the ground. And when I can walk through my house without any loop or strap on me getting caught on things. So aggravating.
• I finished Give Me Your Hand and am reading Vox. Give Me Your Hand is a mystery/thriller about Kit, a post doc vying for a prestigious research position, when an old classmate with a secret that scarred Kit shows up out of the blue and competes (kind of) against her for the spot! I mostly enjoyed it, except for the research on animals parts. Vox is a dystopian novel where women only get to say 100 words a day and are electrocuted when they go over. This one makes me feel awfully anxious reading it… but I want to see what happens.

• Shitterfly had a “free” bag offer recently so I ordered one to keep in my backpack (because a favorite similar bag of mine has a hole, sadness). I love having these lightweight bags handy. And I love having my cats’ faces on it!

• I had a light meeting week to start the week (woo hoo!) then had FOUR invites for meetings at 9:00 am on Wednesday. Sigh. And the one I went to ran 1.5 hours long (until 11:30).
• Another calendar complaint – when someone acts like it’s difficult to coordinate with my schedule, but they never bothered to check my public calendar and try making an appointment when I am shown as free. It’s not hard, folks.
• Aww, Khali loves her siblings, but especially Apollo! Apollo has been such a sh*t lately. He’s gone poo on the floor twice. And he wakes up in the middle of the night (not all nights, thankfully) to play. Sigh. I hope it’s growing pains!

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By kilax, October 18, 2018 6:23 am

• Every soft skills course I take at work ends up being about personality types (Myers–Briggs, DISC, what have you) and generational differences, and how the other person isn’t going to change, so I need to adapt to THEM. I find that stuff interesting, but I’d like to dive a deeper than being told I need to change my communication style all the time for the other people. I did that, on my last detail, every single day, and yeah, it worked. But how do we help the other person, rather than adapt to their style all the time? I want to get more in to the nitty gritty.
• Our road is complete. Check out our new shoulder versus what it was before! It’s not super wide, but much nicer to run/bike on.

• Ugh, it seems like cold season is here! Lots of throat clearing and coughing and sneezing on the train this week. AHHH!!!
• When the Bath & Body Works closed in the train station I hoped they were just remodeling… but no, an Amazon Go is going in that spot. Sadness! Better for my wallet though. (This will be our second Amazon Go. I checked out the first one a few weeks ago.)

• What do you think of Thunderstruck‘s new home? He can hang there until I get another medal rack!

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By kilax, September 26, 2018 4:01 pm

Every time I wear this shirt, I think about the time someone asked me if I was pregnant, while wearing it.

I had a necklace on, but it broke. Womp womp.

I also think, geesh, I’ve had this blouse a long time. I hold on to clothing items (that I actually wear) forever (which is okay, except it’s like “is Kim wearing the polka dot blouse again?!”). Especially running things – I find what I love, and buy as much as I can. I don’t try new things or update my wardrobe often, and this sometimes backfires when I need to replace something, and it’s no longer in stock. I do NOT like to research and try out new things when I have something that worked and just needs to be replaced.

My city run at lunch break was interesting… I got yelled at (you dumb b*tch!) in two separate occasions for using the crosswalk – when I had the walk sign. Oh, Chicago. I also almost got hit later on, by a taxi running a red, after I had already waited for several cars to run the red before I used the crosswalk (again, with a walk sign). Typical. Infuriating.

My out and back away from traffic was peaceful, at least.

I also helped a tourist by giving them directions in Spanish, so that balanced out my run and made me feel neutral (rather than 100% pissed at the idiots, or 100% warm and fuzzy for helping someone).

Neutral/going through the motions describes me lately. And numb. I’m still sad about Data, and have a little crying outburst most days (DO NOT READ THE RAINBOW BRIDGE LETTER FROM THE VET OMG), but I get through the days. I have fun. I’m cheerful around people. I get my work done. But I do want to spend a lot of time napping. This will even out soon. Or I’ll want to nap every day for the rest of my life (<— more likely).

Work. I realized last week that I feel lonely at work (and wrote a whole post about it but this paragraph will suffice). I spend so much time in my own little world, working on my solo projects, and my team doesn’t communicate about what we’re up to, unless we have an issue or something interesting comes up. It feels odd to spend forty+ hours a week on something and not talk about it much (at work or outside of work), even though I don’t love it/am not passionate about it. I have a big desire this year for people to ask me questions. <— needy (and this is not a need for attention, but a need for my life to feel witnessed, outside of my marriage).

And to end on a funny (sad?) note from my day, I realized when I got to work that most of my food was peanut butter – I had oatmeal with peanut butter, peanut butter crackers, peanuts, a peanut butter sandwich, a peanut butter cup, and a peanut butter CLIF bar. Oops. I won’t be doing that again. (I also had some fruit, phew, and will have to eat all my veggies with dinner muah ha ha.)

NEED MOAR PB!!!! AND MOAR CARBS!!!

Since I am talking about food… someone recently asked me how I lost weight last year. It was not by eating peanut butter items all day long. I told them I stopped binge-eating things, only ate when I was actually hungry, and had one serving at dinner. What I forgot to mention to them was that I worked out a sh*t ton. Oops. But really, for most people, losing weight is about cleaning up their diet, anyway.

Thanks for reading my stream of consciousness post!

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By kilax, August 23, 2018 6:12 am

• Thanks for all of your kind and thoughtful comments on my post yesterday about Data. They really made me feel better, and supported!
• I’m going to keep posting silly posts like Random Thoughts Thursday as long as I feel like it – a lighthearted distraction is good for me.
• Our library was closed for a week, and it seems like all the books I’ve had on hold for several months came in during that time. Eek. I’m still trying to finish A Lady’s Guide to Selling Out!

• We saw Mission: Impossible – Fallout, and I really liked it (and figured I would!). I knew this was a movie I wanted to see in the theater from the time I saw the first trailer. The end was so suspenseful, I kept wanting to bite my nails (but didn’t since I have a no chip, ha. Instead, I just kept tapping them together). I knew I should have worn some bracelets so I had something to twirl when the movie made me feel anxious!
• We shared baby pictures at work yesterday, and guessed who everyone was. A few of us younger people on the staff were saying we should have made ours black and white to throw people off. Ha. Ha ha ha. It was fun to see whose was SO obvious, and which ones weren’t!

• Apollo got to try being outside on the harness yesterday, for the first time. He was definitely freaked out – he had his tail low between his legs! He eventually chilled a bit.

• And, I have to share this picture of Steven’s lunch companions yesterday. What a bunch of troublemakers.

• Yesterday someone at work told me that an email I sent was the best part of their day because it was so concise and clear, and had everything he needed in it. And that he was going to send it to someone else as an example. Hearing that made MY day, especially as it was for something where I don’t feel like I know what I am doing (project management).

Link to Random Thoughts Thursday 191

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By kilax, July 17, 2018 10:35 am

I’m having a great summer. But I’m human. I need to complain:

1. Why do manufacturers assume I want my paper towels and toilet paper to be BIGGER?! I do not! I have the feeling they do this to charge more for less, not give us more for less. And it’s definitely not for the environment (less waste and all that). (This annoys me because the bigger ones don’t fit in our holders well.)
2. Am I really helping someone with a project at work by doing a role I have no idea how to do if I have to ask them what to do about everything? Or is it only making me frustrated and less confident?
3. Why do the dentist fees on my explanation of benefits (EOB) not match the bill I was given at the dentist? Why are EOBs so damn hard to understand? Why did my dentist eff up my last appointment so much (I could write a whole post about that but I’m still too annoyed to. Hopefully I just forget all the details and don’t ever talk about it again.).
4. Why wouldn’t Kohl’s let me exchange something via mail and insist I go to the store, even when I told customer support I couldn’t find that item in the store on my own? Why do they think I ordered it online?!?! BECAUSE I COULD NOT FIND IT IN THE STORE AND HATE SHOPPING.
5. These deer fly bites. Ouch.

And some good things!

1. We’ve been putting pumpkin in Data’s food and it seems to be helping with his poo! Yay!
2. I got to do actual design work at work last week and this week.
3. I have five days in a row off work coming up.
4. At some point, there will be kittens in our home (probably August 1st or 2nd).
5. We figured out who Beanzie is.
6. I’m not running my fastest, but I feel acclimated to the summer heat and high humidity and dew point. It’s not completely wearing me out (yet).
7. I’m the smallest I’ve been as an adult (after college) in the summer. Which is actually heavier than earlier this year, but I struggle the most with my eating in the summer, so I’ll take it! The goal is to maintain my weight and focus on losing again in the fall.
8. I feel overwhelmed by everything on my personal (and work, sigh) calendar, but grateful for all the love and fun activities!

Thanks for listening/reading!

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By kilax, July 12, 2018 6:30 am

• So, it turns out the female kittens are NOT getting spayed this week, because they don’t weigh enough. I feel stupid for getting so excited about them coming home this week. That’ll teach me!
• Last week, Steven heard a mention of an office I designed for a public figure on NPR! I thought that was cool! NPR didn’t mention me, or where I work, but it’s awesome that the office is getting recognition at all.
• We were invited to a semi-formal event next weekend! I’m looking forward to dressing up and even made an appointment for my hair!

I should probably wear something I already own. So far I am looking at these two black dresses, which seem appropriate, but are too big, or these two colored dresses, which I am not sure about, but fit.

• I finished Let Your Mind Run last week, and Final Girls (per Stephany’s recommendation!) yesterday. I’ll definitely be reading Let Your Mind Run again, and highlighting and taking more away from it. I enjoyed Final Girls (except the gory parts), especially when it picked up pace at the end. It kept me engaged in the last third, with its twists and turns, and revealing more of the main character’s history.

• Now I have four non-fiction books from the library to pick my next read!
• I was so excited when I saw this sign Monday night! I love raspberries! How did I only buy six containers?!

• Khali was super in to A Quiet Place. I think it’s because she sat right by the speaker, and the movie was mostly quiet, until it wasn’t. Ha.

• It blows my mind that I still have panicked dreams about packing up and leaving Rome, despite not having lived there in twelve years!

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By kilax, June 21, 2018 6:27 am

• Happy First Day of Summer/Longest Day!
• Data seems to be doing better! We both think he looks bigger, and he’s been play fighting with Khali more (he hadn’t been for about a month). Yay!

• We visited the kittens again on Tuesday! The ones with orange collars are the ones we plan to adopt. And if that all brown one in the bottom picture doesn’t have a home, I bet it will end up at our house…

• I was deemed “ineligible” for the job I applied for at work. No interview for me. My boss offered to help the next time I apply though (and would have helped before if I had thought to ask). Hopefully it doesn’t take a year or more for positions to open again…
• Bobbi shared this photo with me that the Duluth News Tribune posted from the beginning of Grandma’s Marathon (that I am in – can you find me?). So yeah, just a little crowded at the start, but nothing unusual for a marathon. I obviously need to work on running around/next to people.

• I am still reading California but really want to start Let Your Mind Run, which Mica sent me as a surprise!!! Thanks, Mica!

• And with that, I am going to head out for my first post-marathon run. My quads feel good, and we’ll see how the knee feels!

Link to Random Thoughts Thursday 183

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By kilax, June 14, 2018 6:23 am

• BIG NEWS! Today we are going to the veterinarian to fill out an adoption application and put down a deposit for KITTENZ!
• UM, THIS IS A PROBLEM. I was trying out the new Gmail and IT DOESN’T HAVE LABS. WTF NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I switched back to the old version. I use the “Undo Send” lab A LOT. A LOT A LOT.
• I tried to apply for a different position at work yesterday and it almost didn’t happen because the system is such a total pita/pos. But I finally got it in! I doubt I will get an interview, but, eh, worth a shot.
• Until yesterday, all of my June runs were between 47-61°F. That seems cool for June (I am NOT complaining). Yesterday’s run was 76°F. That felt more like June!

• And your weekly reading update: I finished Artemis and started California. It was nice to go from Endure, which was hard for me to read, to an easy-read like Artemis!

• When Mom and I saw Book Club last Saturday, the theater only had a few people in it, and a person seeing the movie alone came and sat right next to me. You can pick an assigned seat at this theater, and maybe they picked that one and didn’t feel like they should move to another, but I have to admit, I was a bit annoyed. Especially since they talked to themselves through a lot of the movie.

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By kilax, June 11, 2018 9:07 pm

Mom had so much fun attending NeoCon with me last year, she joined again this year, yay! We had another great year!

NeoCon is a huge furnishings and design trade show in the Merchandise Mart in Chicago every year. There are hundreds of vendors, tons of giveaways and parties, it’s free to attend (if you register in advance) and open to the public, and goes on from Monday to Wednesday each year. People attend from all over the globe. I am lucky it’s within walking distance from my office!

I had the same sentiment as last year – it’s fun to attend with someone who’s so positive, and has a fresh perspective on things (read: hasn’t been going for years and isn’t totally over it).

Gawd, am I WORN out though. WORN OUT, folks. I made so much vendor small talk today. Which makes me feel incredibly phony because I don’t know much about interior finishes, and our clients usually aren’t interested in the flashy stuff they show at NeoCon. But I’m there to learn, and the vendors are nice, so whatevs!

But yeah. Definitely needing quiet time. That’s a common theme on this here blog. Monday is the busiest day for NeoCon, and I handled it really well until mid afternoon (go, me!) then we decided to go to one of the quieter showrooms outside of the Merchandise Mart, then call it a day. I was (am) beat.

But like I said, we had a blast! Some highlights:

• Running in to a random person on an elevator ride that said to Mom “Are you Christina’s (my snister’s) mom?” Ha, that lady is friends with Christina and recognized Mom from Christina’s pictures of her! How random!
• Having a caricature drawn of us.

• Chatting with some lovely ladies while waiting in line to have our caricature drawn.
• Painting the Behr bear.

• Running in to a friend from Essential Fitness at the end of the day.
• The tattoo bar.

• All the instagrammable spaces.

• Having such pleasant weather – we wore our jackets all day! Last year we were sweating like crazy!
• Oh yeah, and all the cool new furniture, textiles, and finishes!

We’ll be back next year, I’m sure!