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By kilax, March 25, 2013 6:13 am

WARNING! This post may be very triggering as it talks about purposefully trying to reconnect with the feeling of hunger. Please skip this post if you need to!

I’ve been wanting to write a post about my strange fear of hunger, and how it makes me act, for awhile. I swore I started a draft of this a long time ago. Instead, I found an actual published post – “The first time I discovered hunger” (from November 12, 2008). Geesh. That was raw. And… it pretty much all still applies. Damn. Don’t you love it when you go back in your blog archives and realize you are still struggling with the same damn crap?!*

I did find a draft post (from July 23, 2009) about how I was trying intuitive eating. That never got published, because it didn’t work for me. But there was a cute picture of me in the post, to which I had said “the only time I am not eating is when I am sleeping.” Ha ha ha.

Anyway. I’ve felt hesitant writing about this, as I have never experienced real starvation or hunger, and don’t want to offend anyone who has. But I feel like I need to get this out there, because maybe someone can relate!

So, are you the type of person who packs snacks for work, road trips, flights, etc. –  the type of person who always has a snack in their bag or in the car? OR! Do you fly by the seat your pants and just pick up things as you go… or maybe wait to eat when you get home?

Just as I am an over planner, I am over prepared. I always have a snack on me, or near me. My thought logic is that I don’t want to become hungry and be caught with something “unhealthy” or not have any vegan options.

But you know what happens? When I get the tiniest tingling of hunger (and usually it’s mental, not even something I feel in my stomach), I consume all the snacks. Then, I am left with no snacks. So I go buy the unhealthy things anyway. And nom nom nom away.

Examples:

• I pack homemade trail mix for a flight. It’s all I can think about on the flight, so the moment I feel any hunger, I dig in.
• I have a “just in case” LUNA bar in the car. I get a slight hunger on a longish drive and eat it.
• I have a snack drawer at work. Sigh – who else has the snack drawer? When I feel anxious at work, I dig in (after telling myself I am hungry).
• I go to the city to hangout and pack a bunch of things to eat throughout the day… and find myself eating them to prevent hunger.

So in all cases, I justify my snacking by telling myself I am preventing hunger. But… I never got hungry. So what is with the need to constantly feel satiated? What kind of weird, messed up privilege is that?!

Mica and I have been talking about this, and I think she summed it up well:

It’s such a weird thing. It’s not like I’m afraid in the way that I’m afraid of plane crashes, but I definitely feel a strong compulsion to avoid hunger. And then when I work through my hunger or manage to make it to dinner without snacking a lot, I think, “Hmm, that wasn’t so bad.” But in the moment, I feel SO DESPERATE.

So why is hunger so bad? Why are we so desperate NOT to feel it?

And not to be disordered about that. We should NOT starve ourselves. But, there have been months where I have gone without EVER feeling hungry. Because I am constantly putting food in my mouth. What am I so afraid of? A slight hunger headache? Would it be bad to feel that?

Earlier this year I tried to quit overeating so much, and ended up feeling hunger. I would get to the end of a run and feel famished. I did need that LUNA bar in the car. I did need those snacks then.

I’ve started feeling hungry for lunch and dinner again (my stomach actually makes noises!). I started enjoying food more. It was weird, what a little true hunger could do. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still struggle not to eat ALL THE SNACKS to prevent hunger, still!

See, it feels so odd writing this, because a lot of people struggle with under-eating and not purposefully being hungry all the time. And I don’t mean to be insensitive to that either. I guess wanted to share this weird thing I am trying to stop.

*I felt bad about that for a minute. Then stopped. I am pretty easy going on myself.

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By kilax, March 14, 2013 6:22 am

• Last night, within moments of each other, the strap broke off of Steven’s Garmin, and the lock button on my phone broke. Hmm. I was going to ask you guys for ideas for date night tonight, but we might be going to the Apple Store. !@$%@!!

• I couldn’t help but laugh when I got out of the train station yesterday morning and saw that sample bottles of some new 10-calorie soda were being handed out! I just started reading “Salt Sugar Fat” and the whole first section is on sugar, with a major focus on cereal and soda and how it is marketed. I am just getting in to reading about the soda wars, and I am finding it so interesting  The book is already affecting the way I think about these products!

• If you have a smartphone, and are obsessed with dates/daydreaming about upcoming events, like me, you might want to download the Countdown+ App. You manually enter events, or link to them from your calendar or Facebook, and get… a countdown! Most of my countdowns right now are for trips and races. And… here is a picture of my phone. Because I can’t take screenshots anymore (see bullet #1). Anyway. I think it’s fun. 

• Google. You piss me off. Again. That is all. 
• I picked up this fabulous hair care product on Saturday, and I can’t believe how much nicer my hair has looked since I started using it. It is… a hairbrush! Yes. I have been using a comb for, oh, five years? No idea why.
• Do you ever wish you talked on the phone with your friends more? I mean, the ones you can’t see in person. Texting, instant messenger and emails are great… but I like the phone… and Sykpe, too! I doubt that will change, just, uh, talking about it. 

Other Random Thoughts Thursday Posts: XXXV, XXXIV, XXXIII, XXXII, XXXI, XXX, XXIX, XVIII, XXVII, XXVI, XXV, XXIV, XXIII, XXII, XXI, XX, XIX, XVIII, XVII, XVI, XV, XIV, XIII, XII, XI, X, IX, VIII, VII, VI, V, IV, III, II, I.

Comments (53)

By kilax, March 12, 2013 6:18 am

Post #1 for the day… come back later for post #2 when I explain why I’ve been running so freakin’ much (someone asked me, so I’ve been thinking about it).

Years ago, I read a lot of weight loss blogs. I was deep in another failed attempt to shed pounds and I thought reading those might be helpful. 

It wasn’t. The hard data (weight loss per week, starting weight, how many calories eaten in a day, specific food) made me compare myself to others, which I am not apt to do*. And geesh, all that talk about food made me feel snacky!

So I quit reading them. I know I have talked about this before, but I feel it’s important to point out from time to time, as a reminder as to why I don’t comment much on your WIAW posts, or how much weight you have lost, etc. It’s too triggering for me. I support you – I just cannot read too much of that stuff. And it’s also why I don’t talk about it here much – to respect that for other people.

Anyways… (geesh, that was a long intro!)

When I was reading those weight loss blogs, I really started to like the term non-scale victory (NSV). NSVs are, well, non-scale related progress you’re making! Fitting in to an old pair of jeans, having more energy, not eating the entire bag of chips, etc. It’s just a way to remind ourselves not to focus on the scale all. the. freaking. time. 

What do you think of the idea of NSVs? Hokey? Cool? Whatever?

So. I actually have an NSV to share. I feel like such a dork. But! I am so proud of me and Steven. 

We have been doing a kickass job of consuming all of the produce we buy each week. And check out the picture below. We buy a lot!

Note: broccoli is missing – I think they were out. 

That’s produce for two people. For one week! We’ve been consistently running out of everything, and even needing to make little trips to the store to stock up. 

It doesn’t seem like a big deal. In fact, when I write it out, it actually seems like we are bad at estimating how much we are going to eat. Ha ha. But what it really means is that we are eating a very healthy amount of produce each day. 

And I would rather have to make an extra trip to the store because we ran out of something, than have something sit in the fridge for weeks, only not to end up using it! And that used to happen to us! 

What type of produce goes the fastest in your house?

*And is SO not appropriate for weight loss. 

Comments (85)

By kilax, March 5, 2013 6:39 am

Do you think you are more likely to get outside support from family and friends when you are going through something tough (job change, move, relationship issue, death, etc.) or something more, hmm… positive/in your control (going for a promotion, taking a new class, training for a race, etc.)? Or is it the same either way?

Gosh, I know it was a long time ago now, but I often think back to when I switched jobs in December 2008. Some people were really supportive. Some weren’t. I feel like it showed people’s true colors. And I felt this sense of community support by those who encouraged me. 

(Don’t worry, this is going somewhere… I hope.)

Coincidentally, the day I wrote the “secret news” post in January, I acquired some “secret” news of my own*! You guys know I have been training with Brian at Essential Fitness LLC for over two years now – doing both one-on-one and group sessions. Well, that day, Brian asked me if I would be interested in teaching the Monday night strength class!

Holy cow! YES!!! What an honor to be asked. To know that Brian thinks I am strong/capable/fit enough, and have the right personality to teach?! What a compliment!

So, Brian and I’ve been working together a lot and I taught my first class last night! It was a blast!

So how does this relate to my initial question? Well, I didn’t tell many people about this at first. Just Steven, my besties, and my parents and snister. I wanted to keep it quiet while I got ready/until I taught my first class, to make sure it was a good fit for me. 

But as I spent time with more and more people, I found it coming out of my mouth that I am studying to become an ACE-certified Personal Trainer (edited to add: my goal is to take the exam in May). And I told them I would be teaching. Gah! I was so excited I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. 

And the amount of support astonished me (phew, I finally connected it to the first sentence… I hope). I mean, really. Everyone had such nice things to say to me – about what  great fit it would be, how it was perfect for me, how I’d rock it, how it would be a kick-arse workout, and so on. I was just floored by everyone’s support. 

So it seems like now I need to replace that December 2008 job switch memory with this. Because this is much better. Ha ha. It feels so good to have this support and enthusiasm from my friends and family on this new endeavor!

And hey! If you are local, and interested in checking out my class, drop me a line! Class is Mondays at 6:30 and you can read more about what we do here**.  And it’s super affordable. 

*And one more person’s, who saw the post and emailed me their news.  
**There are two trainers named Kim. I teach the evening session. 

Comments (41)

By kilax, February 27, 2013 6:20 am

Body equilibrium actually refers to physical balance, but I’m using it in this post to mean rest/balance of body functions due to all systems acting in equal/opposing actions. Or in my case, that they don’t seem to be.

You know what really irks me for some reason? The humble brag / fishing for compliments. Like… if you are going to celebrate and be proud of you, just do it! There is nothing wrong with that! We don’t have to act like we are not proud of who we are, no matter where we are in our journey. Don’t be coy about it.

Sigh. Deep breath.

I preface this post by saying that because I wanted to talk about some physical body changes I am noticing, but need you to know I am not fishing for compliments / humble bragging.

So. I’ve lost a few pounds. For the point of this discussion, I will mention that the amount is around 13%. The weight’s coming off at a normal rate, but I feel like my body’s equilibrium is not keeping up:

• I can’t seem to regulate my body temperature like I used to. I used to turn in to the “human radiator” (as coined by Steven) at night. Not anymore. At times, I can’t seem to warm up. My hands get really cold on runs. I’m wondering if this will get better as we get warmer temps.
• I have so much energy I can’t sleep many nights. I am too excited to start my day. I got up just before 3:00 am yesterday. I couldn’t rest. I think I might try that ZzzQuil stuff Xaarlin was talking about.

• I’ve been getting more bruises. Hopefully that is just me being clumsy with the kettlebell. Hopefully this isn’t a “new” thing. I had a picture of one but deleted it. You don’t need to see that, ha ha.
• I don’t get to go #2 every day anymore! This is really annoying. It used to be like clockwork every morning. Not so much anymore. But I also don’t have “emergencies” on runs anymore, so that is good!

I’m not super worried about most of these things. I’ve actually been feeling fabulous, so these are just little nuisances. I am hoping, if I ever get to a stable body weight, whatever that is for me, that these things work themselves out. But I wanted to ask:

Has your body’s equilibrium ever gone all out of whack? What made it return to normal?

I should mention, I have increased my running mileage too, so that could also be affecting all this – thermoregulation off since I’m outside so much / can’t sleep because I’m overtraining / etc.

P.S. Please don’t suggest this is a thyroid thing. Ha ha ha.

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By kilax, February 26, 2013 11:55 am

Ahh, double posts two days in a row! I’M HYPER!!!

I stumbled across this article (pdf here) yesterday about the effect smiling has on your health. I thought the article was just going to say how forcing yourself to smile makes you happier. But! It was much more interesting than that!

Thanks for the grumpy cat pic rec, Anne! Image from here.

First of all, the article mentioned a runner who says smiling helps them feel less tired/stressed during their long runs! Funny to me, since I always try to smile when I am running – but for a different reason – so people who see me think I’m a happy runner (I am!) and think running is fun*.

Secondly, the article also said if you smile after a stressful event, your elevated heart rate will decline faster. Some researchers think only a genuine** smile causes health benefits, though, compared to a  fake*** smile.

Thirdly, “Studies have found that the intensity of a person’s smile can help predict life satisfaction over time and even longevity.” But they are not sure if the smiling reflects your happiness level, contributes to it, or a little bit of both.  Researchers think “It’s probably bidirectional. People who smile more tend to elicit more positive connections with other people, which in turn [can] help make you happier and healthier.”

And the article ended with reminding people to smile genuinely at others – because it makes others happy – “when people see a smile, so-called mirror neurons fire in their brain and evoke a similar neural response as if they were smiling themselves.” The article even mentions a coaching service for more genuine smiling that involves your whole face and gets that twinkle going in your eyes!

Do you think you can tell the difference between a genuine and fake smile?

Anyway, I bastardized the article and left out some other cool nuggets of information, so please check it out for yourself.

I found this article super interesting, because I do believe smiling makes me happier. There have been times I am grumpy and smiling helps!!! I need to remember that! Like, most weekdays, hint hint, Kim.

Do you think smiling can make you feel happier/healthier? Are you smiley?

I  am super smiley cheese ball!

In focus and blurry smileys!

*Hmm, might be a stretch to think seeing me would make people think that. But let’s roll with it.
**Called ” ‘Duchenne smile,’ after the 19th century French neurologist who first described it.”
***Called ” ‘Pan Am’ smile after the polite expression the former airline’s stewardesses used to greet passengers.”

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By kilax, February 16, 2013 7:03 am

I’m usually not one to pay attention to the pace on my Garmin unless I’m 1) trying to hit pace at a race or during speedwork, 2) checking to see if pace has anything to do with why my run feels like crap or 3) trying to get done with my run by a certain time. 

Thursday morning’s run fit in the reason #3 category above.  I had allotted myself just enough time to get a run in before work if I could stay under 10:00 minute miles.  I wasn’t checking my watch that often, but at one point I looked down and saw a 10:23 pace. “WTF!” I thought, “It feels like I am flying! I am going to have to cut this run short!” Then… “Oh wait, I’ll just check again in a few seconds.” Sure enough, the next time I check it was in the 9:40s. Silly watch. 

Then I had an “Aha!” moment. 

Why are we so obsessed with fluctuating numbers? Is the obsession with fluctuating pace in the same realm as the obsession with fluctuating weight on the scale?

The reason I started to think this is because I used to do “second looks” at my scale, like I did with the watch, hoping for a different number. Sure, with the watch, your pace actually is varying from second to second. Your weight isn’t. But it is a number that goes up and down throughout the day! When I used to be more scale dependent, if I got on it in the am* and didn’t see the number I expected, I would check again after going to the bathroom. Or after going for a run. Because that is a healthy mindset. Not. 

Of course, you have much more “in the moment” control over your pace, then your weight.  But how silly is it for us to get super obsessed with small changes in numbers, on either apparatus?  Why let the numbers on these things tell you how to feel… instead of listening to what you really feel?

What do you think? Any relation, or am I totally off base?

This thought just popped in to my head, and I was kind of hoping the post would write itself, but it didn’t. So I am putting it out there thinking there is much more to be discussed – and probably lots of points I am not considering!

*always in the am, always naked

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By kilax, February 11, 2013 6:21 am

As if eating less while eating out isn’t already hard enough…

ALSO, WARNING! Neurotic food-post ahead!!! Maybe you just want to skip and go see who won the giveaway…

There is a local Mexican restaurant* we used to go to a lot. And I always got the same thing – a Jarritos with a full vegetable fajita dinner. YUMMY!

**

We went on Friday night for the first time this year. I was trying not to eat as much***, so I skipped the Jarritos and ordered tacos instead of fajitas.

The waitress was shocked.

“No Jarritos? Why? No sugar?” 

“Um, yes, because I had two cookies before I came.”****

“No fajitas? New year, new meal?”

“Uhh, yes.”

Are there any restaurants you frequent so often the wait staff knows what you order (or even knows your name)?

Ha ha! I almost felt like I was disappointing the waitress! She’s actually really cool. And while she doesn’t know our names, she does ask me about Gina‘s son, Luca, every time we go there (because we brought them in in August and November last year).  The waitress is a sweetie.

Anyway. This whole situation made me think about how much I hate going to restaurants and trying to eat healthier/eat less. I hate only eating half my meal. I hate ordering less. I want to order a large plate and eat to reckless abandon. Ugh. I ate at a vegan Thai place with Anne a few weeks ago, and boxed up my food before Anne had made much of a dent in hers*****. Sigh. I HAVE TO PUT IT AWAY OR I WILL CONSUME IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I actually went to Red Robin with Steven a few weeks ago, and asked for a box when my sandwich came out so I could cut my sandwich in half and put half in the box. The waiter probably thought something was wrong with me. 

And maybe there is something wrong with me! I feel like there is a very fine line between enjoying eating out while trying to still be mindful of what you are consuming… and then completely become anal about it. Ugh ugh ugh.  I am going to try not to think about which side of the line I am on… and hope that automatically makes me not on the anal side. 

*THAT WE LOVE!!!
**Interestingly, while looking for this photo, I went through many daily photo folders that showed pics of us eating out many times a week (oh, iPhone). I am so used to eating whatever I want when I want – not because of a great metabolism, but because that is what I do – that trying to eat less is a struggle for me.  
***I knew if I ordered the fajita dinner I would clear my plate, so I tried to order less food.
****This is true.
*****I eat too fast.  

The Knock Knock Giveaway winner is onelittlejill @ Finishing is Winning. Congrats, Jill! Please email me your mailing address and I will send the notebook your way!

Thanks to everyone who entered the giveaway! It’s been too long since I’ve done a giveaway, and I quite enjoy them, so I hope to come up with another one soon!

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By kilax, February 8, 2013 11:27 am

1. Overdoing it on Exercise (pdf copy)

This popped up in Google Reader today, when I was already feeling kind of sick but really wanted to work out… oops, one of the signs of exercise addiction. This is an interesting read on people who exercise so much it’s negatively affecting their work, relationships, and health. Have you ever thought you might be an exercise addict?

2. Does your diet influence how well you sleep? (pdf copy)

This article really piqued my interest because I’ve been eating healthier and have had so much energy I am not sleeping through the night well AT. ALL. According to the article (among other things) – “For the study, very short sleep patterns were defined as less than five hours a night, short sleep was five to six hours a night, standard sleep was seven to eight hours, and long sleep was nine or more hours a night. Short sleepers consumed the most calories, followed by normal sleepers, then very short sleepers. Long sleepers consumed the least calories. Normal sleepers, however, showed the highest food variety in their diets, and very short sleepers had the least variation in what they ate.”

Hmm. I am calling BS. It is true that I sleep like crap when I eat like crap, but why am I still sleeping like crap now?!

I am calling BS on this too (from the March issue of Men’s Health):

Or maybe my lack of sleep is due to item #1 above?! Hmm…

3. Most Americans take breaks from Facebook (pdf copy) & Dad pays daughter $200 to quit Facebook (pdf copy)

You guys know I love reading articles about the social dynamics on Facebook, so I had to share these two! People’s comments on why they take breaks from Facebook was amusing to me. What causes you to take Facebook breaks? I actually know a few people who periodically go on and off of Facebook. I go to tag them, and they’re gone and then I realize they are taking another break. 

4. Getting into your exercise groove (pdf copy)

An interesting article explaining how our bodies want to stay at their preset paces for running/walking, and that a strong rhythmic beat is a good way to overcome that (if you want to speed up step frequency). I would love to use this as an excuse to start listening to music on my runs again!

What are you reading this week? Any interesting articles you want to share?

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By kilax, January 30, 2013 5:55 am

I had a long “blah blah blah” post all ready for today, but I think I’d rather post something simple.

My grandma got me this skirt* for the holiday. I tried it on in December and it didn’t fit. This morning was the first time I tried it on again.

Encouraged!

Now, I just need to work on these fun tights fitting before it’s too late in the season to wear them.

I try to avoid talking about weight on my blog, because I feel that it triggers comparison, when weight is so personal, and depends a lot on someone’s background/body style.

But, I have been trying to eat healthier and it is encouraging for me to have my clothes fit better. And more importantly, to feel better! So I’ll share that.

If I’m being honest though, my real reason for eating healthier is just to make running easier. That’s my top priority. Not looks, feeling better, clothes fitting… so that stuff is all a bonus.

Do you like reading about weight loss/gain on blogs?

I quite enjoy reading about Anne‘s success on her blog. She’s a major inspiration for me!

*All I put on my wish list was a “one color, solid print skirt.” She nailed it.