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By kilax, April 1, 2009 10:02 pm

I wasn’t looking forward to weighing in today for my office’s Biggest Loser Challenge. Last week, I weighed in during my “loss of appetite” phase and showed a huge loss of 2.5%. At the time, I even said “I know some of that is going to come back.” Sure enough, it did – 1.15% (along with my appetite, thank heavens)*.

You know what I say to all this? A big “Who cares?!” I’ve gotten so used to my body weight going up and down and up and down. If this challenge has taught me anything, it’s that my weight doesn’t directly correlate to ANYTHING. So I really shouldn’t give it ANY power over me. My body seems to be on a path of its own – a path that doesn’t follow a straight line and is impossible to figure out. Sure, my body generally responds well to eating healthy and exercising, but it’s been throwing a few challenges my way lately – ones that are probably not appropriate to discuss here. I’ll just say, I really want to trust my body, but I’m starting to second guess its intentions. It’s probably nothing serious, and doesn’t affect my running at all, but I think I will be seeing a doctor just to check in.

My second cousin Denise is participating in her office’s Biggest Loser Challenge as well. She’s been doing it for four weeks now, and I am super excited for her! She is making great progress in eating healthier and being more active.

She’s already had to play the scale mind games though. After a smaller loss (in comparison to a big loss the week before), she emailed me saying she was “really disappointed” because she thought she had lost more. She recognized that her clothes were loose but she still felt the disappointment.

I tried to be encouraging to her and share what I’ve learned doing this challenge – that the scale is not always an accurate representation of your hard work throughout the week. And she knows that! She’s obviously making progress because her clothes were loose**. It’s just so easy to let those numbers dictate your feelings.

I hope participating in the Challenge has as positive of an effect on her as it has on me – both physically and mentally. Already, I know her participation has helped me – it’s given me a chance to reflect on the challenges of adapting a healthy lifestyle from a friend’s perspective. Encouraging someone else, and following their progress has made me realize how important it is to have a healthy mindset about this whole process. I’m not explaining it very well, but sharing our struggles back and forth in email has given me a broader perspective on the meaning of living a healthy lifestyle. It’s also helped me learn how to overcome my own struggles.

And it’s nice to have my own cheerleader as well! Encouragement is always nice, and Denise is very thoughtful.

*My total loss so far is 11.25%.
**I much prefer kapgar’s method of following weight loss – by how your clothes fit. None of my size 12 dress pants fit me right anymore. They are all falling down and have too much extra fabric in the butt. So… time to do some more “interim” shopping.

Side Note: I published this at noon, but something was wrong with it, so I’ve republished it.

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By kilax, March 27, 2009 8:10 am

Do you “brown-bag” your lunch or a lunch for your kids/family members? How often?

A little blurb in the April issue of Marie Claire made me think about this. They had a little chart that compared the cost of making a sandwich at home, to buying one at Subway. They concluded that the cost was so close ($5.01 vs. $5.59), it might not even be worth the effort to make the sandwich at home.

Hmm.

I bring my lunch to work every day of the week, unless I have a planned lunch date. I usually only have one lunch date a week (with my favorite lunch buddy, diane), but this week, I had THREE lunch dates – one every single day I was at work!

It’s expensive to eat out downtown every day. But some people do. I know people at my old office who did. And I am sure there are people at my new office who do as well. I’d rather have it be a treat, then do it every day. Three days in a row was too much this week.

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By kilax, March 19, 2009 6:03 pm

Yesterday was my First Quarterly Panel review (the event for which I was writing the dreaded report).

Guess what? I ended up dreading the review in the same way I dreaded writing the panel report. I don’t get nervous about presenting things or talking to people, but this was just something I wasn’t looking forward to. A lot of emphasis is put on the importance of the presentation, so I was under a lot of stress and pressure, along with my other HUGE work load.

But, it went extremely well. I presented to 7 people, talked about what I’ve been doing and learning for the last three months, for about 2o-25 minutes, then they asked me a series of questions.

You know what? I actually enjoyed being up there, talking to everyone about my projects, and what I like about working for the company. One member of the audience asked me if there was anything I dislike and would like changed, and I honestly could not think of one thing*.

Everyone told me I did a great job, and one person told me he liked how energetic I am. My team leader stopped at my desk after the presentation (I got to my desk first, because they sit in the conference room after you leave to talk about you!) and told me I made her feel “very proud.”

I think I’ll actually look forward to my next panel report – that was a pretty good day.

But work’s still kicking my ass.

Do you have to do presentations at your office? Do you dread them or love to share with other people? I wonder if part of me is just craving some human interaction. I’ve been buzzing off of it lately.

*Oh sure, I have daily gripes and can bitch and cuss, but that would be at ANY job. I love my company and the way it’s set up.

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By kilax, March 17, 2009 6:54 am

Do you ever have a strong urge to call a friend and let all of your emotions and frustrations out, but you hold back, because you don’t want to burden/bother them?

What is with the filter?

I had a day yesterday, that, let’s just say, didn’t make my sour weekend mood go away. Let’s just say it built on it. There’s a lot going at work. It’s nothing bad that reflects on me individually, but something that affects my organization. It was enough to stress me out after I left work and make me have dreams about it last night.

I needed to call someone last night and talk about it. I used to always call my mom first. She has always been my #1 go-to person, and probably always will be. She’s a great listener, and always gives me the reaction I need.

But she’s not always available. She has important daily commitments. And I don’t want to bother her when she’s busy. And quite honestly, I am selfish, and I don’t feel like I get the attention I need when she’s busy (makes sense – she’s busy).

So last night, I had the urge to call a friend first. Someone who is also a good listener. Someone who can relate.

But, I didn’t. I didn’t want to burden her with my work stress, when she already has her work stress.

Thinking about it now, that’s bull-crap. Our relationship is not set up on the premise that we both have perfectly wonderful lives with no stress. Yeah, we’re both generally happy and know we have a lot to be grateful for, but what’s to say I can’t call her and just let her know how stressed I am at the moment?

I believe it’s fine to say I am stressed out about my job right now, without having to justify it with “I am grateful to have a job.” OF COURSE I am. But for the moment, I let that hold me back.

I believe my friend and I are both the nurturing type. We have the tendency to listen a lot to other people’s problems first, before we share ours. It’s not that we don’t share them, just that we don’t prioritize them all the time. We maybe sit on them. I sometimes do, anyway.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. I’ve had strong urges to reach out and call her other times. Once, when I was having some food related issues. I just needed to talk to someone who understood. But still, I held back.

If I am lucky enough to have this wonderful, understanding friend that I can relate to, and who is also a great listener, why don’t I let myself be 100% MYSELF to her?

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By kilax, March 16, 2009 5:11 am

Since I’ve started exercising so much, and not sleeping on the train in the morning, I’ve been having really strange energy peaks.

I get to work energized and refreshed. I feel great until about 3:00, when I usually start to feel a bit tired, dizzy and weak. I have a snack of veggies, hummus and fruit, to try to snap out of it.

If it works, then am pretty pumped the rest of the day. And I mean pumped – my heart is racing. If I don’t nap on the train ride home, my heart doesn’t slow down until late in the evening, sometimes around 11:00 or later. If I nap on the train, I am somewhat doomed. It takes me awhile to snap out of the sleepy fog when I get home, but then my heart starts to race again afterward, and I am still up too late.

If the snack doesn’t work,  I can’t snap out of my fog – I spend the rest of the day in a daze. Whether or not I sleep on the train, it doesn’t  matter – I’m going to be out of it.

This new energy pattern is alarming to me, because I am hitting so many highs and lows. I am fairly steady most of the day, but then my heart really starts to race, and I get anxious and excited and energetic. It feels great to be so energetic, but it doesn’t feel great to come down from it. I am trying to eat balanced meals throughout the day, and drink plenty of water, and am TRYING to get enough sleep, but I don’t know what else to do to normalize my energy levels.

And I doubt I will be sleeping much on the train anymore. I bought myself an HP Mini to use the internet while I ride. Yay! I have been wanting a smaller computer to take on the train for a long time.

Letting Data use the new computer – it’s more “his” size!

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By kilax, March 9, 2009 5:43 am

It seems like every weekend, without fail, there is some item on my to do list I am absolutely dreading. Every fiber in my body resists my completion of the item. Just thinking about doing it makes me feel upset.

It usually isn’t house chores. Yeah, I put those off, but I don’t dread them. I just would rather do something else!

And it isn’t the long runs. I look forward to those long weekend runs, where I can just have some time to myself and focus on my run. Yesterday was my first 7-miler – fun!

This weekend, it was my panel report for work. Today marks my three-month date at my new job. It’s hard to believe the time has passed so quickly!

I was placed in a trainee program when I got this new job, based on my recent graduation (2007) and experience outside of work. As part of the program, I am required to write a panel report and give a presentation of my work quarterly in my first year, and semi-annually in my second year.

My supervisor places high importance on the panel report, and has given me time to work on it while at work. But so far, I haven’t been able to get much done on it there. It’s strange to me – I love to write, and I’ve pulled together all of the facts I need! I just couldn’t concentrate very well on writing something long the last few days.

So I brought it home, even though I didn’t need to. And I put it off, until about 8 pm on Sunday night. But, I did finally work on it and get the bulk of it done. Now I just to need edit it at work.

It’s funny. I always dread these tasks, but feel so much better when they’re close to done!

What have you been dreading on your to do list?

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By kilax, March 7, 2009 8:03 am

On Thursday afternoon (okay, AND Friday, but this story relates to Thursday), I started feeling a bit snacky. I felt an eating binge coming on. I’m sure it was a result of lack of sleep and avoidance of the work task at hand. I exhausted the remainder of my snack stash at work – a serving of pretzels and a few various granola bars/fruit bars.

Then I decided I wasn’t done, so I grabbed my little coin purse and trekked my way back to the vending machine. I got there and stared at it. The top two rows of the vending machine have salty snacks – mostly chips. And the remaining, I don’t know, five or six rows, are ALL sweets.

I gave up sweets, making it very difficult to find anything I wanted. This is where a normal person would stop the quest and go back to there desk, but I stood there for quite some time and noticed someone else in there, kind of looking at me.

“I can’t decide what I want,” I told him. He didn’t want to use the machine, but seemed curious that I was standing there so long.

“Well, you gotta narrow it down,” he said. “Do you want salty or sweet? Once you decide that, there are other decisions to make. For example, if you choose sweet, then you need to decide if you want something chocolatey. And if you do, will it be nuggety, nutty or fruit-flavored?”

I thought that guy was pretty funny. I realized what I WANTED was M&M’s, but I couldn’t have them, so I went down to the snack shop in our building.

I found the same situation there. More sweets than anything else. My craving for something sweet intensified while I was down there. But I resisted, and grabbed a bag of Gardetto’s.

Yuck. What a disappointment. First of all, they weren’t what I wanted. Secondly, I felt super self-conscious eating them at my desk because they are so crunchy (you know what I am talking about diane!). And thirdly, they leave a super nasty after taste in your mouth. And they don’t really have a good “before taste anyway. I hate that I just had to eat something, and picked something that didn’t even hit the spot.

So, I confirmed something about myself – I have a sweet tooth. When I get snacky, I crave sweet treats. You know what I was thinking that day? “M&M’s sound good. Warm, chewy cinnamon rolls sound good. A Deerfield’s Bakery donut sounds good.” I wanted something sweet and soft or sweet and crunchy.

Since I gave up sweets I’ve been having half an orange in the afternoon (along with carrots and celery). I thought now might as well be a good time to eat “closer to the earth” as well. I get so sick of eating processed crackers and bars. And even though I look for processed food without high amounts of sugar in it, it’s hard to find. There’s still a lot of sugar in there.

Most days I am totally fine eating my healthy snacks, but every once in awhile I get these awful urges that I just have to eat, eat, eat! They don’t come that often. But I hate it when they do. I wish I was better at controlling them. I feel awful putting bad things into my body that I don’t really want. Especially because I run so much. Usually that is enough to make me not do it, but not all the time. Ugh, I am blabbing.

I don’t know if I learned anything from all of this, or if I just feel better sharing my guilt here.

Side note: Should I feel guilty that I felt good yesterday when I overheard my cute and skinny coworker confess that she ate one roll of thin mints the day before, and the other roll the next day? Of course, it was immediately followed with “Now I have to work out, like, twice today!”

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By kilax, February 25, 2009 5:50 am

• I’m awake on the train ride to work and read the paper
• No one gets in my way on the walk to work
• I ride the elevator alone on the way up to my floor
• There’s no wait at the microwave to make my oatmeal
• No emails/phone messages at my desk
• My pants and shirt are hole-free (unlike yesterday…)

Hmm, makes me seem a bit anti-social, but that’s how like I like to start my day.

What’s your perfect start to the day?

I have a lot on my mind lately. There are some other things I want to post about, but I am going to split the topics up into two scheduled posts later today. I hate to bombard your reader, but I don’t want my topics to get lost in a “bullet list of topics” post.

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By kilax, February 18, 2009 5:55 pm

It’s been four weeks since I started participating in my office’s Biggest Loser Challenge. We’re one-third of the way done with the challenge. So far, I’ve lost 5.21% of my starting weight.

I have to admit that the competition made me feel a bit different than I expected it would. I’ve been fine weighing-in in front of my coworker. That doesn’t bother me at all.

But when the results were emailed out the first week, and I saw that I was in the top three, I felt a bit of competitiveness. I saw that I was doing well, and wanted to stay in the top. That feeling didn’t last very long, but I admit it was there for a second.

And I wasn’t expecting my coworkers to be so encouraging about the Challenge, but they are. Participating has actually opened up a lot of communication about health and fitness. I found out another coworker loves to run, and that another group of coworkers walk the stairs in our building at the beginning of their lunch break. I am not sure how long these conversations will be around, but I enjoy participating in them (I even laughed when someone, who ISN’T participating, saw that I was in the kitchen making oatmeal for breakfast, and asked what I had… wanting to make sure I was still in the competition… uh… yeah).

The most interesting thing I’ve learned, now that a month is over and I have tracked my progress, is how little my weight actually has to do with how I feel, what I eat, and how much exercise I am getting. One week, I ran around 22 miles, ate like a saint, but somehow gained .2 pounds. The next week, I spent three days eating nothing but carbs and sweets – I was in Denver, and I was there to have fun. I lost 3.4 pounds that week. So, my body is on its own path. What I weigh on any particular day is just a flux number – it doesn’t really mean anything. It goes up and down based on my hormones, how much water I drink, if I eat salty foods… you get the idea.

It’s funny that tracking my weight like this, what so many people DON’T recommend, is what has made me accept that my weight is JUST a number. I hope the challenge continues to let me become more accepting of my body!

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By kilax, February 9, 2009 12:44 pm

Somehow, I managed to forget that the appointment I made to get a new government ID this morning requires my photo being taken. If I would have remembered, I would have spent a little more time getting ready this morning.

What a great start to the week.

On the bright side though, I walked by a Crêpe restaurant on my way to get the new ID. Just knowing my office is that close to a Crêpe restaurant makes me happy. Strange – but I’ll take it.

Yum, crêpes. I think I’ve only ever had two – one in Paris, and one in Copenhagen. The one in Copenhagen was huge, filled with hot nutella oozing out of the edges, and folded into a big, chewy triangle. I’m going to spend the rest of the day fantasizing about that.

Update: I just found out I am getting introduced to 300+ people today at our “Town Hall Meeting.” Yay, the day just gets better!