Comments (15)

By kilax, October 22, 2009 6:49 am

As my weight has gone up and down over the years, I’ve noticed how differently I’ve taken it off and put it back on (ha!) each time.

Now, I know this is extremely unhealthy, and it is something I am trying to get away from (aren’t we all?), but I thought I would share.

When I first tried to lose weight, in 2004, I just ate less. I got the skinniest I had ever been, and it didn’t take that long, but it didn’t last that long either. Later on, I dabbled in exercise a bit, and lost weight, but was never really committed. However, when I started to really dedicate time to exercising and eating healthier in summer of 2008, I noticed that the weight came off faster, and I got to a smaller size sooner than I had when I was just eating less. And as my weight has gone up and down since then, I have always been able to fit in smaller sizes, at higher weights than ever before. It makes me wonder if I am retaining muscle and am a bit smaller at a higher weight, or if the sizes have just gotten bigger over the past few years (or if I have really, really stretched my clothes out).

This time around, besides running a few times a week, I am also doing weight training. It’s weird, because I am sore in places I have never been sore. It makes me wonder how my body will react to the weight training. Will I get smaller, quicker? Will it take longer? Will my weight stay high because I gain muscle?

This is all extremely vain, I know. I just wondered – have you experienced anything like this?

Gosh, what I would LOVE to get to a goal weight/size/comfort level and just MAINTAIN it. Maybe that will be one of my goals for 2010.

Comments (14)

By kilax, April 22, 2009 5:48 am

Even though I’ve been losing weight, I’ve still been struggling with some food issues. I forced myself to think about it and try to get to the root of the problem. And I think I actually began to figure a few things out.

I am afraid of hunger. I am afraid of being caught unprepared. I am afraid of the unplanned.

What does this mean? I worry about becoming hungry, I am scared I will be unprepared and have to eat something unplanned. I am afraid of the unknown. I hate being out of control.

So here’s what happens. I always have a ton of healthy snacks with me. I stick to my grazing plan and eat something almost every 2-3 hours, sometimes more frequently, especially at work. I never let myself feel hunger. I worry about fueling before a workout, so I always make sure I have something in my stomach. I try to prevent hunger.

It’s not a super big issue. The snacks are usually healthy, I never feel full to the point that my stomach hurts, and I’ve only had a few out of control moments (more the last few days).

But still – what’s the deal? Why am I not listening to my real hunger signals? I think I’ve lost touch with hunger, and it’s time to try to find it again.

Glamour photo gone wrong?

I think that this photo of Data requires a caption and submittal to icanhascheezburger… I just can’t come up with anything clever? Can you? (diane, I’m looking your way!)

Comments (11)

By kilax, December 14, 2008 9:26 am

I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention to my little weight-loss tracker on my sidebar… but it has gone up! As in, I’ve gained some weight.

It all started when my family was out here baking cookies, and I ingested 12 pounds of cookie dough/baked goods. Then Thanksgiving came. I tried to eat healthy, but that didn’t last the whole day. Then, with the stress of changing jobs…

See how wonderful I am at making excuses for myself?

It’s amazing that I can be so hard on myself when I make what I perceive as one little mistake (like eating an extra cookie or something) but so easy on myself when I have been just eating away, piling on the pounds, not really taking care of myself, or caring.

What is that about? Really? Where does this mentality come from? “Oh, it’s okay if I pack on a little weight around the holidays! Everyone does, and it will come right off!”

No, it is NOT okay. Because once I start down that track, it is hard to get off of it. I recognize that right now is not the most sensible time to be losing weight, but I do need to stay on track and only allow myself a few indulgences (except Christmas Day – no restrictions then).

The sad thing is, I recognize the triggers that make me overeat – boredom, stress, frustration, guilt, restriction – but I’ve just been ignoring my inner voice. Well, it’s time for that to stop.

I don’t know HOW, but it is time for that to stop. Or at least, for me to stop making excuses for myself.

In other “health” related news, Steven and I have discussed our plan of attack to train for a half marathon (13.1 miles). We are following two  guides from Runner’s World – an 8-week program that takes you from 3 miles to 6 miles, then another 8-week program that takes you from 6 miles to 12 miles. We’ll start the program tomorrow.

There are two half marathons in Illinois in April, but I don’t think we will be ready for them if we follow this training, but I am going to search for a target race for us. I am excited about it! I think this will be a fun adventure to embark on together.

Comments (14)

By kilax, November 29, 2008 10:55 pm

It’s back.

That “I don’t care about me” feeling. That “I’m just going to eat whatever I want, who cares?” feeling.

I was afraid this would happen. I mentioned before that I had no idea what changed in me to make me WANT to be healthy. And not knowing what was allowing me to finally live a healthy life scared me that it wouldn’t last.

But I do know what is making me feel this way now. No, it is not Thanksgiving, or the stress of the holidays. It is guilt.

I feel guilty for making a few decisions* lately that benefit me and not others. I feel guilty for putting myself first.

Really.

I realized this the other day. I am punishing myself for feeling guilty. Punishing myself by EATING. How do you punish yourself with food? You eat and eat until you feel so stuffed that you are uncomfortable. A lot of you may have never done that, but I bet there are a few of you out there who know what I am talking about.

I’ve only had a few incidences when I’ve felt that super uncomfortable feeling, but it’s scary.

Guilt is not the only emotion that has driven me to overeat this past week. I’ve also been bored, frustrated and uncomfortable… and eating to cover those emotions. Guilt just happens to be the big one – the overriding emotion that is making me feel super stressed out. The feeling that is always in the back of my mind.

And yeah, yeah, yeah… I am happy to have “figured out” what is causing me to feel so out of control, but that is not stopping me from feeling out of control. Or stressed out. Or anxious, all the time.

I’m just worried. Worried about giving up. Worried that I am not meant to be healthy. Even writing that now, it isn’t logical, but that is how I feel. Like I don’t deserve to be healthy, and happy and guilt-free.

*I apologize for being so vague. I want to give more details, but not right now. I already feel uncomfortable enough, writing all this!