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By kilax, April 13, 2009 6:01 pm

I am ridiculously overwhelmed at work. The details don’t matter. Just imagine being super busy all day long and never catching up, even though you are trying SO HARD to do so. You’ve probably experienced what I am talking about.

It’s going to be like this for awhile. I’m really trying to fight the anxiety and stress it’s causing me.

Even though the day wasn’t great, I still left the office feeling good. I was able to come up with a list of things I am grateful for, and that cheered me up:

1. My supportive husband: I called Steven around 8:30 am because I needed to share my stress. He gave me good advice, “You can only take it one day at a time.” That’s what I needed to hear. I am going to break it down even more. I can only take it one hour at a time. Even though the hours are flying by… Later he wrote me a very encouraging email, telling me he knew I could do it, and to break my workload down into tasks, and to modify my “personal work system” to accommodate the changes at work. What a sweetie.
2. My awesome coach: I have a coach at work who oversees my work and guides me. We work on all of our projects together and get along wonderfully. I am more and more grateful everyday to be working with such an awesome teammate.
3. After raining all day, it stopped during my walk to the train station this evening.
4. Fencing class: I am going to be releasing some frustration tonight. Sorry, classmates. But it’s gonna feel good.

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By kilax, April 9, 2009 5:17 am

Update on yesterday’s post: I realized that it was impossible for me to have a quiet day on a work day. In fact, I realized that being so busy at work is probably fueling a lot of my over-thinking and maybe a bit of anxiety. Today’s post is kind of related.

I decided my quiet day will have to be tomorrow (I have the day off) or this weekend. We have some fun activities planned – Farmers Market, baking cookies, running, maybe bowling – I should be able to find relaxation and calm!

I was trying to explain to Steven the other day that I think my new* job has made me more “vocal.” That’s not exactly the right word, but I’ll explain.

I am in more of a project manager position now. It’s not my title, but it’s what I do. I’ve been finding that I need to speak up a lot more lately, to keep things in the best interest for my company and our clients.

But I’ve found some side effects to my “vocality,” and I am not sure if they are positive or negative.

At work, I’ve been a bit short with a couple of people. I don’t want to go into much detail about that, but I feel like I should be nicer, and give people the benefit of the doubt… even when I feel like they really, REALLY have not earned it.

At home, I’ve been more “direct” when dealing with companies. I let the Nissan Customer Service department know exactly** what I thought of their service on Saturday. I told the Sun-Times I was canceling my subscription because they couldn’t get their act together. I argued with the dentist about why my bills are coming to my home in MY HUSBAND’S NAME when we don’t share insurance.

On the plus side, I feel good saying what I want to say and not playing any games. But I know I am coming off as a bitch***. And I don’t want to be the bitchy demanding customer, because Steven works with customers like that most days, and I see what it does to him.

But here’s the thing. I don’t want to waste any time. I feel more and more pressed for time EVERY day. I am struggling with it so much right now, and I think that has a lot to do with what I wrote about yesterday. So if I can cut through a lot of bullcrap by being direct and honest, why not do it?

I just need to sound sweet and nice. And – make it clear that I don’t want to be rude, impolite, or nasty. I just want to be direct and honest, and get to the point.

As a side note, there are a few personal relationships I have, where I wish I could be this direct and honest. Instead of playing their games.

I am really honest with my parents (and my husband, of course). I think about that a lot. They get the 100% version of me. Nothing’s fake. I tell it like I see it to them. I think I am too honest sometimes. But in my most important relationships, why not show myself exactly as I am? What would be the point of doing otherwise? Facades are too much upkeep and stress.

*Can I still call it new if I’ve been working there since 12/8/08?
**Yes, it felt good to tell them I went and bought an Infiniti after I left their showroom and crappy offer behind.
***Steven cofirmed this.

Comments (14)

By kilax, March 17, 2009 6:54 am

Do you ever have a strong urge to call a friend and let all of your emotions and frustrations out, but you hold back, because you don’t want to burden/bother them?

What is with the filter?

I had a day yesterday, that, let’s just say, didn’t make my sour weekend mood go away. Let’s just say it built on it. There’s a lot going at work. It’s nothing bad that reflects on me individually, but something that affects my organization. It was enough to stress me out after I left work and make me have dreams about it last night.

I needed to call someone last night and talk about it. I used to always call my mom first. She has always been my #1 go-to person, and probably always will be. She’s a great listener, and always gives me the reaction I need.

But she’s not always available. She has important daily commitments. And I don’t want to bother her when she’s busy. And quite honestly, I am selfish, and I don’t feel like I get the attention I need when she’s busy (makes sense – she’s busy).

So last night, I had the urge to call a friend first. Someone who is also a good listener. Someone who can relate.

But, I didn’t. I didn’t want to burden her with my work stress, when she already has her work stress.

Thinking about it now, that’s bull-crap. Our relationship is not set up on the premise that we both have perfectly wonderful lives with no stress. Yeah, we’re both generally happy and know we have a lot to be grateful for, but what’s to say I can’t call her and just let her know how stressed I am at the moment?

I believe it’s fine to say I am stressed out about my job right now, without having to justify it with “I am grateful to have a job.” OF COURSE I am. But for the moment, I let that hold me back.

I believe my friend and I are both the nurturing type. We have the tendency to listen a lot to other people’s problems first, before we share ours. It’s not that we don’t share them, just that we don’t prioritize them all the time. We maybe sit on them. I sometimes do, anyway.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. I’ve had strong urges to reach out and call her other times. Once, when I was having some food related issues. I just needed to talk to someone who understood. But still, I held back.

If I am lucky enough to have this wonderful, understanding friend that I can relate to, and who is also a great listener, why don’t I let myself be 100% MYSELF to her?

Comments (12)

By kilax, February 8, 2009 10:24 pm

I am sick of these bullshit weekends. Is anyone else?

You’re crazy busy, running errands both days – you feel more exhausted at the end of each night than you do on a weeknight.

Yay, weekends.

Comments (34)

By kilax, December 7, 2008 9:57 pm

So, what is the big decision I’ve alluded to a few times that had me all stressed out and feeling guilty?

I’m starting a new job tomorrow.

Yeah, it’s not really a big deal to start a new job. Because usually, when you start a new job, you were looking for one, or you hated your boss, or you were bored to death.

But I didn’t have any of that. I was happy at work, but this opportunity fell into my lap, and I had to ask myself “Would I regret not taking this job in a few months?” The answer was yes.

It took me a long time to make the decision though. It wasn’t as easy as following my gut. I wasn’t used to putting that much thought into a decision.

The decision-making process really stressed me out, especially since I talked to my bosses about it first, who I think were somewhat shocked. Then… I was at work for another three to four weeks while I waited to get clearance for the new job.

So, this last month has kind of been hell. I’ve just felt so guilty about making the decision to try something new… and to leave a firm I really care about.

And some people weren’t so nice to me about it. But that’s okay. A lot of other people were really supportive, and I appreciate that. You all know who you are – thank you.

When I was making the decision, I realized that the two most important opinions in my life are mine and my husbands. No one else is 100% considering my best interest when they give me advice. Even Steven probably isn’t from time to time.

I don’t say that to put down the other people that are close to me in my life. I am just trying to say that the only person’s approval I look for, if anyone’s, beside my own, is my husband’s. I want him to be proud of me, and back the decisions I make. He was very supportive throughout the whole process, and that made me feel so much better.

Sometimes, we live our lives for someone else’s approval. We are always trying to please other people. It’s important to think about whose approval you really want. I realized that I was prone to want to make decisions based on what other people would approve of. I had to make the decision that was best for me, and it was hard. It made me feel awful.

Anyway. Tomorrow is my first day. I am excited to start something new!

Comments (14)

By kilax, November 29, 2008 10:55 pm

It’s back.

That “I don’t care about me” feeling. That “I’m just going to eat whatever I want, who cares?” feeling.

I was afraid this would happen. I mentioned before that I had no idea what changed in me to make me WANT to be healthy. And not knowing what was allowing me to finally live a healthy life scared me that it wouldn’t last.

But I do know what is making me feel this way now. No, it is not Thanksgiving, or the stress of the holidays. It is guilt.

I feel guilty for making a few decisions* lately that benefit me and not others. I feel guilty for putting myself first.

Really.

I realized this the other day. I am punishing myself for feeling guilty. Punishing myself by EATING. How do you punish yourself with food? You eat and eat until you feel so stuffed that you are uncomfortable. A lot of you may have never done that, but I bet there are a few of you out there who know what I am talking about.

I’ve only had a few incidences when I’ve felt that super uncomfortable feeling, but it’s scary.

Guilt is not the only emotion that has driven me to overeat this past week. I’ve also been bored, frustrated and uncomfortable… and eating to cover those emotions. Guilt just happens to be the big one – the overriding emotion that is making me feel super stressed out. The feeling that is always in the back of my mind.

And yeah, yeah, yeah… I am happy to have “figured out” what is causing me to feel so out of control, but that is not stopping me from feeling out of control. Or stressed out. Or anxious, all the time.

I’m just worried. Worried about giving up. Worried that I am not meant to be healthy. Even writing that now, it isn’t logical, but that is how I feel. Like I don’t deserve to be healthy, and happy and guilt-free.

*I apologize for being so vague. I want to give more details, but not right now. I already feel uncomfortable enough, writing all this!

Comments (15)

By kilax, November 26, 2008 12:30 pm

When I was decorating sugar cookies on Sunday, I said “I like how Grandma Ilax’s sugar cookies always look so spontaneous – one will have a smear of frosting and a few random sprinkles – they all have so much character!”

So I decorated mine that way.

Apparently, my mom and grandma didn’t like that too much. They went back and added little frills to decorate them and make them look nicer. I wish I had a photo to show you how awful they looked before, but I don’t.

There was a particularly awful gingerbread man I decorated. He had purple pants, a yellow top, a white face, two chocolate chip eyes, and sprinkles for hair. My mom went back and gave him a red belt and a red smile, but there wasn’t really much she could do to make him nicer – he was UGLY.

I put him in the basket for my older brother, and told my mom to tell him I made that one special for him.

She must have told him. When I opened my email this morning, I had an email called “Cookie Adventures” from my brother.

I guess the cookie didn’t survive his big adventure, but it looks like he had some fun along the way. I think we need some captions for these photos!

This email from my brother made me laugh out loud at my desk for a long time. I really needed that this morning. I was already pissed off when I got on the train at 6:25… and my day hadn’t even started.

I am realizing more and more that I have not been handling stress very well lately. We all have stress in our lives on a daily basis, but I feel like this has been a particularly stressful month for me. I have a lot going on at work. And just having a busy social schedule has been making me stress.

I seem to just sort of… shut off when all of this stress hits me. I can’t think straight. I am angry. I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I want to be left alone. I try to do some deep breathing to get over things. I get anxious. And jumpy. And nervous.

I need to figure out how to handle this, because I kind of doubt things are going to die down at all between now and New Year’s.

I do know that writing things here helps. At least for the moment it distracts me.

All of this stress has been holding me back from looking forward to Thanksgiving AT ALL. Yeah, I am excited to have the time off from work to relax and see family, but that’s it. I feel sad that I am not looking forward to this holiday. That I am viewing it as more of a burden. I hope I snap out of this.

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By kilax, November 16, 2008 10:34 pm

We have a super stressful week ahead of us. Besides preparing for my family’s visit next weekend with the typical cleaning and shopping, we also have to ship four Saab winter wheels and tires somewhere (?), put up our Christmas tree, as well as finish PAINTING our bedroom so we can SLEEP in it.

And did I mention the shopping won’t be normal shopping for guests, but shopping for guests and for ingredients for about 10-15 different cookies and sweets?!

And what did I do all weekend that I did not get any of the above mentioned done? I had neighbors over for dinner, ran a 5K, got my oil changed, test drove a car, went to Lowe’s, went to Quantum of Solace, did laundry, painted test samples, went back to Lowe’s and Target, taped, painted, cursed, went to Home Depot, cut up all the vegetables, took the garbage out, cleaned the kitchen…

I feel like the only time I sat down this weekend was at the movie. And I was being anxious and jumpy anyway (slow movie).

I am stressed out. I have so much to do, and what? Two and a half free hours each night to do it? If I skip dinner, and don’t exercise?

I don’t care if I have to stay up late to get all of these things done. I just want to exercise. I am already feeling anxious and stressed out about the fact that I may not have the time to (logistically, I can’t right now – there is no room in the bedroom to pull the treadmill out).

And I’m feeling stressed about stress eating. And stressed about the fact that I’ve been feeling so much more hungry lately. What is THAT about? I thought you got LESS hungry when you weighed less? Am I confusing hunger with something else?

I am trying to mentally prepare for the week and these challenges. I may actually have to make a little schedule to make sure I get all the things done I need to get done.

Monday – Paint
Tuesday – Paint?
Wednesday – Shopping
Thursday – Cleaning / Tree

I’ve just gotta let out all of my stress here. And say that it’s going to be a rough week, but an awesome weekend with my family. And a great Monday off NEXT week. That’s when I’ll get my rest!

Comments (12)

By kilax, July 6, 2008 10:34 pm

I still have nothing nice to say.

I skipped blogging for a whole week, because every thought entering my head that I deemed “blog-worthy” could also have been labeled “negative,” “whiny,” or “bitter.”

Ugh. I’ve just been feeling so on edge, like I have all this built up tension… over what? I don’t know what.

I really looked forward to the three-day weekend, and the mini-vacation with my family. And I had a great time, but don’t feel relaxed like I thought I would. I still feel jumpy. And anxious. And even… hostile?

This is really something I want to get away from. I just don’t know how.