Comments (36)

By kilax, December 17, 2009 5:01 am

Have you ever been worried about the health of a loved one but not been sure on what you could do to help?

I know I’ve been in that situation. And people have probably been in that situation with concern for me. The problem is, I never figured out what to say/do to help.

I was reading Men’s Health* while working out on the bike on Tuesday. In the “Ask the Girl Next Door” section of “Ask Men’s Health” I saw this question:

Q: My wife eats junk food and never exercises, and I’m worried she’s going to balloon when she hits 35. How can I address this without getting my head ripped off?

Um, I would start by NOT using the world balloon. Men’s Health’s answer (remember, this answer is from a woman):

A: First, see if you can help her change her lifestyle without having a direct conversation. Ask her to take a walk with you after work. Hold her hand and ask about her day. Cook dinner more often and assume grocery duties. In fact, do more chores in general – remove a chunk of her daily obligations, and she’ll have more time and energy to spend on herself. If after a few months you still see no change, that’s when you sit her down, hold her tight, and say you’ve noticed that she hasn’t been taking great care of herself. Tell her it worries you on both a health level and, you’re embarrassed to admit, a sexual level. Say it makes you feel shallow and that you hate hurting her feelings, but that it’s something you want to address. Then ask her what’s going through her mind. And this is the most important part: Listen to her answer, and tell her, as many times as it takes, that you’ll always love her and you’re wiling and eager to help make her life easier.

Wow.

So… I thought there as definitely some good advice in there – splitting chores to allow equal free time between spouses, listening to each other’s concerns, working out together…

But damn. The sexual comment? Not being honest about your concerns from the get-go? That doesn’t fly with me. If you are going down that route, you might as well follow this AWFUL list of “10 subtle ways to tell her she’s getting fat.” Yep. It’s awful. Read it if you want to be a little bit pissed off for the rest of the day.

Would these techniques work on you? What would work? Have you ever tried to help someone out with following a healthier lifestyle?

I sometimes have food issues – binge eating and eating too fast. These issues are triggered by being rushed, feeling like things are out of my control, stress, general anxiety, and we can’t forget the last one – boredom. Steven has tried to help me. But I am so defensive about it. I think even if I came up with the perfect thing for him to say, and he said it, I would still find something wrong with the tone of his voice, or his timing. I don’t want to make it a lonely battle, because I am sure I could use support from time to time, but I am just not ready for it.

In the same sense, I don’t think I discuss exercise with him in the way he would prefer. I love to hear about other people’s workouts, so I will ask if he had time to fit one in, and if he didn’t, I think me asking makes him feel bad.

I am not mentioning these two examples because it’s a huge problem for us – it surely isn’t. We support each other by cooking healthy meals, working out together, and discussing our healthy goals. I just want to say that I think it is difficult to help someone else get healthy**, even if you have great communication. It’s so personal. You have to be really comfortable to even talk about it.

*Seems like a great mag, by the way!
**Especially since healthy can mean so many different things to different people.

Comments (10)

By kilax, June 20, 2009 7:47 pm

I started following a vegan lifestyle (diet-wise) this Monday, June 15th. I am going to do a series of “Vegan Saturdays” posts to answer all of your questions, rather than create one super long post. Thanks all for your thoughtful questions! If you think of any other questions, you can ask them here, or on the original Q&A post.

I know some people could probably care less about veganism (understandable), so I chose Saturdays for these posts since readership is usually lower anyway. Along with my marathon training posts on Sundays, you can just skip over the entire weekend if neither is of interest to you. Easy peasy!

I was going to begin by addressing CournteyInControl’s “What made you decide to go vegan?” but I thought I could better answer Erin’s question, after our dinner tonight. So I will probably save Courtney’s question for next week.

First though, I must say, it is my goal to permanently follow a vegan lifestyle, but if I find my health is negatively affected, I will have to re-evaluate my diet. On to the first question…

Erin asked, “Will Steven become vegan also? How will this affect meal planning/cooking?”

Steven will not be becoming vegan, at least today. But he is on board with helping me eat vegan.

Most of the meals we eat on a day-to-day basis at home already are vegan – boca sandwiches with fresh veggies, salads, pasta, beans and rice, etc. Where the problem comes in at home is with pre-packaged foods. A lot of items we didn’t think would have eggs or dairy in them do. Last night we wanted to make a homemade pizza, but all of our pizza crust mixes had milk in them, so we couldn’t. However, I picked up a dairy and egg free mix today, and it worked out wonderfully!

Homemade pizza made with Namaste pizza crust, red pizza sauce, zucchini, onion, tomato, spinach, olives, and…

…cheese on one half.

The finished pizza

My dinner and…

…Steven’s dinner!

Which plate would you take?

I think eating out will be an issue AT FIRST. We usually visit one of three places – El Famous Burrito (his favorite), Red Robin (my favorite) and Subway (our healthy favorite). Okay, and let’s throw Sweet Tomatoes in there too. At El Famous, I get the Chilles Rellenos (cheese). At Red Robin, it’s the Royal Red Robin Burger (cheese and egg). At Subway, my sandwich is pretty much vegan, but I need to check and see what’s in the bread.

I don’t want to ruin the eating out experience for him (or anyone), so I need to do some research and figure out what I CAN order before we go out. I can get a burrito instead of Chilles Rellenos, and ask for my burger without cheese and egg. Hopefully it won’t be too big of a deal. We don’t eat out often, but when we do, I don’t want it to be stressful for him or me!

I think making this change means that meal planning requires actual planning. It’s won’t be as easy to throw things together anymore, at least at first. But, we will figure it out, together.

Comments (15)

By kilax, June 4, 2009 12:59 pm

I have a reoccuring dream that I am on a plane to Rome, feeling extremely guilty because I have “left”* Steven to pursue my own interests.**

This morning the dream was a bit different. I was sitting next to a classmate on the plane, when I looked down into my luggae (why I had it with me, who knows) and realized I didn’t pack ANY of my running gear.

I started to panick and my classmate assured me it would be okay and I could buy running gear in Rome.

“But I didn’t even bring my Garmin! How will I know how far I’ve gone?!”

Oh jeez. This has gone too far.

But after I woke up, I thought, it would have been FUN to run in Rome! I never did. It would be dangerous with the way people drive there, but it would be so neat to run by all of the old, unique buildings. And I know some of my classmates were running when we were there. Maybe someday I’ll get an opportunity to run there again.

Is there any really cool place you like to run? Or do you have a dream run like this? Right now, I love running in the forest preserve, when I am not getting attacked by birds!

*Not “left” as in divorced, but “left” as in “left behind (for awhile).
**I think I have these dreams because I did chose to extend my winter 2006 stay in Rome into the summer ( I stayed to work for an Italian Architect) when Steven and I were engaged. I only saw him twice in seven months.

Comments (15)

By kilax, April 10, 2009 6:51 am

Are you cuddly? Do you like to snuggle?

I’m not opposed to it, but I’m not very good at making it happen. I think I’ve become too comfortable in “my” space. My side of the bed, my side of the couch, etc.

Yet another thing I’d like to work on!

Comments (13)

By kilax, October 6, 2008 12:12 pm

You know what has made following a healthy lifestyle SO MUCH EASIER? Having Steven doing it with me, as well as supporting me and encouraging me.

Sometimes you aren’t lucky enough to have a support system. Sometimes the people around you, the ones you live with and would expect to be the most supportive, are condescending and negative. Or downright spiteful, manipulative and intent on sabotaging your plans.

I haven’t dealt with this in an extreme way, but I think all of us who have tried to be healthier have felt resistance from other people at some point in our lives.

We were talking about this this weekend, and it dawned on me how important it is to have a support system. And how lucky I am to have Steven in this with me, but also all of you, who continue to read this drivel and encourage me. Thank you.

It seems silly to only be realizing this now. I mean, how many health magazines articles have I read talking about this? “Exercise with a friend to keep the weight off for good!” “Cook healthy meals, together!” “Share your weight loss plan with family and friends!”

I guess I didn’t realize how lucky I am, because I have grown accustomed to it. Accustomed to Steven making healthy meals, running with me, asking how my weight loss is going, etc. Accustomed to his encouragement.

And only now that I think about it, I realize all of the times I’ve been unsuccessful in weight loss, I’ve been on my own. Yeah, I’ve lost the weight, but did I keep it off? No. I am almost strong enough. But not quite. Maybe some people are.

I think I at least need someone I can talk to about it, without feeling embarrassed.

To have that, and more, I am grateful.

Comments (11)

By kilax, January 17, 2008 5:30 am

Yesterday a coworker of mine asked me if I still say “I love you” to Steven when I get off the phone with him.

Of course!

But I have already caught a few times when I am in a hurry and just say, “Gotta go! Bye!”

There’s something nice about being told “I love you,” when you get off the phone with someone. Doesn’t it feel like a more complete end to a call? I say it to Steven, my parents, my grandparents, sometimes my siblings and friends…

I just don’t want to get into the habit of dismissing it. Especially with Steven. I don’t want to become one of those couples that is so casual with each other that they don’t even try anymore. I think you know what I mean…