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By kilax, October 14, 2009 7:26 am

Should you let anything define you?

I think one of the reasons I am struggling so much (mentally) with not being able to run is because for so long I let it define who I was. I’ve been searching for a hobby since graduation in May ’07 (remember dancing, bowling and fencing?), but nothing really stuck with me. The novelty always wore off.

With running, it was a new game each time. The weather was always different, I could run alone with tunes or run with a friend, I could try a new forest preserve* path or run in the city, I could go for a short or long run, I could run fast or slow… you get the idea. And I felt like running was really something that helped me connect with other people – both in real life and online. I loved telling people I was a runner. I loved talking about it. I loved doing it.

I loved thinking “I’ve beat the 9:00-5:00 (in my case, 5:00am-7:00pm) slump. I’ve found a fun, healthy hobby to do in my 3 hours of free time each weekday.”

But is running really the thing I want to define who I am**? Was I prioritizing it a bit too much during that time? Was I obsessing over it a bit?

Maybe, maybe and probably…

The thing is, I had so much fun doing it. I loved having that time to myself (when I did) to think and decompress. I loved the way it made me feel. And I had so much fun writing my weekly marathon training recaps, even though they were super long and probably super boring***. So, I really think running was a good hobby. It just required a change in lifestyle that took a while to fully absorb. And that is where I was struggling.

I hope some of you can relate to this, because it isn’t just about running. It’s about trying to find your place in life. Trying to find balance. Trying to find out what makes you happy – it’s not really as easy as you think (at least, in my case).

So right now, what defines you, if anything? Do you think about the defintion of who you are (a compilation of your hobbies, beliefs, aspirations and social community) the same way I do, or differently?

*This is why I love living in Lake County
**As much as I love my job, I don’t wan it to define me. People don’t give a crap about your work.
***Steven has confirmed this.

Comments (5)

By kilax, October 7, 2009 12:42 pm

It’s frustrating that running is not as easy as it used to be. I AM grateful that my shin doesn’t hurt (as much as it did before – a slight pain is still there) and I KNOW it will get easier with time.

But right now, my mind remembers how much I loved it and how easy it used to be. Then I get on the treadmill and it’s not what I remember. And I struggle – mentally – not physically.

Today I ran 1.5 miles. I wanted to run 2, but felt like I was pushing it, and as I mentioned, felt mentally defeated.

But, I am looking on the bright side – I can’t expect to recover instantly. And 1.5 miles is pretty good for someone who hasn’t been running in the past two months. I have to take small, baby steps.

I always feel encouraged when I work on in the office gym. Now, this is going to sound weird, but hear me out. I’ve noticed that most of the women who use the locker room are very comfortable with their bodies. They are not worried if someone else sees them naked. They even stand around and have conversations about exercise while they are drying off or getting dressed. I’ve never been too shy about my body, so this doesn’t weird me out (like it does some people). It actually makes me feel good about myself, seeing other women being so comfortable with who they are. Just thought I would share that…

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By kilax, September 28, 2009 6:00 pm

I ran a half of a mile yesterday. In 5 minutes. And my shin doesn’t hurt today! Woo-hoo!

Of course, I felt that the 10:00 min per mile pace was too fast, my breath was all out of wack, and my left heel still hurts every morning but…

Who cares! My shin isn’t killing me today!!!

I am going to start trying to run 3 days a week with Steven (hopefully), so we can get ready for the Disney Half Marathon in January.  If we end up going to the race*, we aren’t going to try to PR. In fact, we (okay, mostly I) plan on stopping to take photos with the Disney characters. So this will be a good race to ease into, and I can even walk parts of it if I want.

*Disney Half Marathon = Muchos Expensive Trip.

Comments (20)

By kilax, September 22, 2009 5:55 pm

My mom and dad both sent me separate emails asking what was going on (after reading my last post). Nothing! Oops. So I did exactly what I try not to do by writing that – make someone think I am withholding info. I’m not. Especially from them! Ha! I call them and blabber blabber blabber away.*

Thank you for your awesome comments. That was one of those posts where I thought, “hmm, maybe I shouldn’t have written that.” But I’d had it on my mind for about a year, and wanted to let it out. It’s older info. But sometimes, when I am trying to fall asleep at night, all of these thoughts fill my head and I have to get them out. So, here it comes, another weird thought:

Do you ever quit reading a blog because you feel like it’s bad for you?

A while ago, I subscribed to A LOT of health (i.e. “weight loss”) blogs. Some of them just contained news tidbits, but a lot of them were personal blogs of people struggling with weight loss. I was very much in the same boat (Ha! You probably remember those posts.) so I enjoyed reading them because I related so much.

But after awhile, especially when I focused more on running, I felt like some of the blogs became toxic to me. Reading someone’s constant, daily struggles with weight made me feel really weird. It made me feel bad. It was almost like I was feeling their daily anguish and frustration and disappointment, and it just made me feel… hopeless. It was strange. I had to put all of those blogs in a special folder in my google reader, and for now, I just mark them as “read” everyday until I am ready to look at them again.

It’s like they wore me out. It was too much of the same old thing. Which is ironic, because I get on those kicks all the time – health, bowling, running, travel… I talk in patterns. I think we all do a bit.

So I was just wondering if anyone else has had this happen. I’ve definitely stopped reading other blogs because I didn’t enjoy their style (which of course, is personal preference, and subjective), but this… was something different.

*oh, thanks for listening about my dentist bill, dad. I got it straightened away. They are covering the entire expense now.

Comments (8)

By kilax, September 16, 2009 4:07 pm

DC  is full of runners. I see them every where, no matter the time of day.

It’s making me sad. I really wanted to run here.

I just got done charging another classmate’s 405 (she forgot her charger), then I showed her a bunch of little tricks in the settings. We brought our 405. It will be used for WALKING. LAME-O.

Anyway.

Steven arrived here on Monday night and spent Tuesday exploring the Mall…

The White House

The Washington Monument & Reflecting Pool

The Lincoln Memorial

The Vietnam Veterans Memorial

The Capitol

… while I was in class. My evenings have been more focused on the “culinary” side of DC – both good and bad.

Last night, we visited Sticky Fingers, an all-vegan bakery. There must be places like this in Chicago too! I just need to find them.

Sticky Fingers

We got a chocolate chip cookie, an oatmeal raisin cookie, a brownie with nuts, a brownie without nuts, and a white cupcake with strawberry frosting. I had a migraine and only ate part of the chocolate chip cookie (Steven ate some and the nut brownie). It tasted really buttery. I am looking forward to trying some of the other treats while I am here.

Vegan Bakery Selection

After we went to Sticky Fingers, we had to stop and get custard for my coworker who claims to not like any sweets except ice cream. WEIRD!

I don’t know how these food bloggers do it. Whenever I take a picture of my food, my coworker is asking why I am doing it (none of my coworkers know I have a website), so I tell her it’s to show to my mom. I can’t imagine taking pictures of every meal and having people constantly ask me that. Well, I can’t imagine taking pictures of my every meal for A LOT of reasons.

I feel like I have been all over DC and have a really good feel for the layout of the city, but I wish this wasn’t such an artificial trip. I think I would (obviously) enjoy it more if I was here on holiday, rather than business. At least I get to live vicariously through Steven!

Comments (11)

By kilax, September 13, 2009 8:20 am

I need a schedule. I need planned workouts to follow. Since the doctor has told me I can’t run (or use the elliptical) my workouts have been pretty lame, and infrequent. And it doesn’t help that they told me NOT to push myself when riding a bike. What is the point of working out if I am not going to feel all tired and drained and sore?! I’m so frustrated. I miss the ease of running. Hauling my workout clothes to and from the city, so I can use the office gym, is not convenient. But, it’s FREE.

At least I was able to get a little running fix from meeting up with a fellow running blogger, Mica, on Friday.

Kim + Mica + the Flamingo

I have to admit, I’ve had a pretty big girl crush on Mica since I started reading her blog. Her hilarious entries have caused me to laugh out loud on the train (where I always try to follow the rule “silence is golden”), and I may be guilty of talking about her a bit to Steven, as in, “Steven, you have to read what she wrote, it’s so funny, ha ha, snort snort, giggle.”

The meet-up was exactly how I hoped it would be! Mica was just as funny, honest, and real in person. I discovered I relate to her on a lot of levels, and that immediately made me feel comfortable around her. I love making connections like that. Plus, her boyfriend, Harrison, was nice enough to put up with me as well. He was just as friendly and open. Damn. Why can’t I meet more people like this who live here?

Thanks for meeting with me, Mica and Harrison!

And, thank you to all of you running bloggers whose stories I follow and keep me excited about running while I am healing!

Comments (19)

By kilax, August 23, 2009 9:37 pm

Welcome to week 10 of marathon training! If you click on the activity link after the dates, it will take you to the Garmin connect website for full stats.

Day 64 | Monday, August 17: Rest Cross-Train

Wow – this must have been a tough workout, because I felt dizzy and weak when I was done!

I ordered a shin brace on Monday night (thanks for the suggestion, Holly!). I am excited to see if that helps.

Bike Time: 30 min | Distance: 8.8 miles

Day 65 | Tuesday, August 18: Run 4 miles Cross-Train

I wanted to run on Tuesday, but figured since my shin was bothering me laying in bed Monday night, and it hurt when I woke up, I better NOT.

I feel really bummed out when my running friends at work ask me how training is going, and I have to tell my sad story. But, telling them at least got me a referral to a doctor a lot of them use at the UIC Sports Medicine Center.

I called my regular doctor asking him for a referral on Tuesday morning, and he said he could give me a name, but all I was going to hear was “rest and physical therapy.” He told me to take two weeks off from running, do low intensity workouts, then come back to running slowly. I asked him if this meant I could still run two times a week… and he kind of said “no.”

He told me there is no reason to see a doctor, because there is nothing there (in your shin) to hurt majorly. Yeah, not sure what he meant about that. BUT, there actually is a small bump in my leg where it hurts. I can feel it when I massage my leg.

So, I hope this UIC guy can give me some pointers (my appointment is 9/3). I don’t expect a miracle.

Elliptical Time: 30 min |Distance: 2.9 miles

Day 66 | Wednesday, August 19: Run 8 miles Rest

Woke up limping. Why?! Why would I be limping?! I haven’t been running!

Day 67 | Thursday, August 20: Run 4 miles Cross-Train

I had a lunch-time run scheduled with Erin, but she had to cancel (She forgot her work computer at home and didn’t realize until she got to the office! So she went  home and worked from there). I was sad I didn’t get to see Erin, but it’s probably better that I took another day off from running. It was down to the office gym for the third time this week…

Bike Time: 30 min | Distance: 8.9 miles

Day 68 | Friday, August 21: Rest

Day 69 | Saturday, August 22: Run 17 miles Run 2 miles

I left to run at 11:00 am. It was about 68°F. In August! This is wrong! I keep saying, “Why wasn’t it this cool last Saturday…?”

Anyway, my goal was to run 2 miles. I got out to the park and thought, “Ooo, maybe I can do 3 or 4!” Yeah. I ran 1 mile and walked 1 mile (plus warm-up and cool-down).

During the first .25 miles of my run, my gait was SO OFF. It was like I forgot how to run. It felt unnatural and uncomfortable. I got in to it after the first .25 miles, but my shin started to ache at about .75 miles. So I called it quits at 1 mile. LAME-O. And I probably shouldn’t have even walked a whole mile after that, because my shin was throbbing a bit. I iced it when I got home. I ice it a lot now. I don’t think it does much anymore.

Distance: 2.00 | Time: 26:01 | 1: 9:57 | 2: 16:04

Day 70 | Sunday, August 23: Cross-Train

Steven got my bike ready on Saturday, so I could take my first “real” bike ride on Sunday! And, since my awesome-o car can fit TWO bikes in it, he decided to come with me!

Love my car.

We went back to the Rollins Savanna for an easy 12 miles, which is two times around the path.

I know nothing about biking.

I like this Forest Preserve because it feels like it’s in the middle of nowhere. Once you get on the trail, there are only a few times you see the highway or houses.

We saw four deer together and stopped to take some photos. A man rode by on his bike and said to us, “that’s what it’s all about!” He’s right. Life IS all about enjoying these small things. Life isn’t about worrying about your crappy shin and how you can’t run.

There is a place to stop and look through binoculars over the savanna. We were spying on some people who were letting their dog play in the swamp. The entire lower half of his body was covered in mud!

Later we saw a hot air balloon (you’ll have to click on the image to make it larger).

We enjoyed our bike ride. I still felt like I got somewhat of a workout (I made sure to use a high gear when we were riding so I could feel it in my quads), but had fun while doing it.

My shin brace came on Saturday, so I wore it most of the day, and on our bike ride. It feels good to wear it. It distracts from the pain, but my shin still ached when we were done with our ride.

Bike Time: 1:07:12 | Distance: 11.81 miles

Week Summary:

Thank you to everyone who has been sticking around for the pathetic-ness my “marathon” training has become. I am not even really sure if I can call this “marathon training” anymore. It may become “half-marathon training,” or just, “training.” I did change the name of the category to Running/Training.

I am not terribly upset that I may not be able to run this marathon. If my body wants me to wait, I’ll wait. It’s just that now, I have to decide what to do. Should I try to run the half instead? Not run at all? I don’t really feel like going to Kansas City just to run 13.1 miles. Especially since Steven’s 10-year reunion is about two weeks later and we might go down there for that.

Comments (18)

By kilax, August 19, 2009 6:37 am

How ironic that this story came on the news yesterday while I was working out in the gym*:

Exercise fanatics ‘suffer withdrawal like drug addicts’

Check out this paragraph:

They reported: “Although exercise is good for your health, extreme exercise may be physically addictive. Excessive running shares similarities with drug-taking behaviour. As with food intake and other parts of life, moderation seems to be the key. “Exercise, as long as it doesn’t interfere with other aspects of one’s life, is a good thing with respect to both physical and mental health.”

The news story I saw talked about how they are not sure if this is true, because it has only been tested on rats**, not humans. Uh, yeah. I am pretty sure this is true, based on experience. What do you think?

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The last time I saw my therapist, she told me to come up with a few things I could do instead of run, while my shin heals. I still haven’t come up with anything. Sleep in? That isn’t really a hobby.

I was thinking about biking. That involves (Steven) getting my bike ready and purchasing a helmet. I do have a giftcard to Dick’s Sporting Goods…

*A few months ago, I was working out on treadmill and a news story came out about the dangers of the treadmill. I think it was after someone famous’s daughter died from a treadmill?
**Which I do not support.

Comments (16)

By kilax, August 9, 2009 3:24 pm

Welcome to week 8 of marathon training! If you click on the one activity link after the date, it will take you to the Garmin connect website for full stats.

Day 50 | Monday, August 3: Cross-train Rest

Yeah. I brought my gym bag to work, but since I was limping everywhere, I decided NOT to cross-train. Even though I wanted to.

Day 51 | Tuesday, August 4: Run 4 miles

This was my first run with Erin in what felt like FOREVER! I was super excited to run with her again. Unfortunately, I was a pretty lame running buddy. My shin felt somewhat better, but I still felt like a slow slug. We cut it short at about 3.85 miles. I hope we get a better run in together before our 5K on the 15th! Our goal is to run 8:20s and finish in under 26:00. Think we can do it?!

I noticed on Monday that the pain in my shin is starting to affect other parts of my body, like my left calf and right quad, since I am limping a lot. So… I decided to take Wednesday and Thursday off.

Distance: 3.85 | Time: 36:56 | 1: 9:22 | 2: 9:19 | 3: 9:56 | 4: 8:18

Day 52 | Wednesday, August 5: Run 7 miles Rest

Day 53 | Thursday, August 6: Run 4 miles Rest

Erin and I volunteered for PAWS at the Elvis is Alive 5K on Thursday. PAWS had us get there pretty early, so there was a lot of standing around before we finally set up the water tables and the race started. But that was okay, because it gave me a chance to chat with Erin (Okay, I was bitching a bit. Sorry Erin!).

It was fun to be on the other side of the aide station for once! I enjoyed watching the runners come in, and trying to hand them water (my coordination isn’t that good). A few of the people were wearing funny Elvis costumes and doing impressions.

I was surprised how quickly the race went by! It seemed like once the masses came in (after the super-speedy runners) it was non stop action. I really enjoyed volunteering and hope to again.

Yeah, this report is LAME. Check out Erin’s much more thorough (and entertaining report) here.

Day 54 | Friday, August 7: Rest

I picked up my new Brook Adrenalines on Friday. I ended up with blue, instead of red, but I still think they’re pretty.

I compared the tread on my old Adrenalines to my new ones… yeah., they were well past their prime. If you look at the picture below (and click on it to enlarge) you can see there is almost no tread left on the old pair on the right (especially in the two areas circled in white). Oops.

If I start running regularly again soon, I am going to by another pair and alternate between pair each time I run.

Day 55 | Saturday, August 8: Run 7 miles Cross-Train?

I tried to do Kenpo X (from the P90X series) with Steven – sort of a mixture of martial arts arm and leg moves. I did about half of it, because I struggled with balancing on my left leg and twisting it (and you know, I can’t do a lot with my right arm, because I am still recovering from that injury).

Day 56 | Sunday, August 9: Run 15 miles

I wanted to run my 15 miles, but since I was still limping around a bit on Saturday, I passed (okay, Steven told me that if I ran on Sunday I couldn’t whine to him about my leg all week because he didn’t think I should run, so I didn’t). I woke up Sunday only limping a bit, so I am taking that as a good sign.

Week Summary: 37 Almost 4 Miles

I am extremely frustrated with my body this week. Obviously.

I am thinking of switching to one of the novice level training programs if my shin doesn’t get better. Then I would only run 4 days a week, instead of 5. Maybe I would even have to cut that back to 3, and do some more cross-training. Lame.

I’ve been reading up on what to do about my shin. Everything I read says to “quit running then build mileage back up slowly.” Does anyone know if they mean building weekly mileage up slowly, or building per-run mileage up slowly? What I am asking is if I can still do my long runs, but run less that week overall, or if I need to only do short distance runs.

Comments (17)

By kilax, August 2, 2009 10:17 pm

Welcome to week 7 of marathon training! If you click on the activity links after the dates, it will take you to the Garmin connect website for full stats.

Day 43 | Monday, July 27: Cross-train for 40 minutes

Why did biking 4 miles take me forty minutes? I can run faster than that! I must have had the resistance set very high, because I really worked up a sweat and felt sore afterward!

Bike Time: 39:34 mins | Distance: 4.0 miles

Day 44 | Tuesday, July 28: Run 4 miles/Run 7 miles

4 miles at the office gym during lunch… 7 miles at the park in the evening.

My body DID NOT like that.

I tried to save some time later in the week by combining my Tuesday and Wednesday runs. The first one wasn’t so bad – my left shin just hurt. I iced it after.

The second run was just bad. My legs felt like garbage. Bugs were sticking to me like crazy. The park smelled. My bra was digging into my back*. My hydration belt was digging into my side. My left side itched so I pulled my earphone cord out of my shirt and all it did from then on was get caught in my elbow.

I was so angry.

The good news is, Steven ran 3.2 miles of the second run with me, after doing P90x Ploymetrics. That’s awesome. Oh, and I didn’t have to poo during my run. Woo hoo!

Distance: 4.00 | Time: 37:31 | 1: 9:31 | 2: 9:23 | 3: 9:23 | 4: 9:14
Distance: 7.00 | Time: 1:07:16 | 1: 9:45 | 2: 9:45 | 3: 9:37 | 4: 9:46 | 5: 9:30 | 6: 9:27 | 7: 9:20 | 8: 00:02
*I think I have discovered which bra is giving me issues, so that is good.

Day 45 | Wednesday, July 29: Run 4 Miles

My shin was so sore on Wednesday, I was limping all over the place and people kept asking me what was wrong. The only time the pain felt better is when I was moving “fast” – speed walking or running slowly.

I ran these 4 miles with my neighbor, Fritz, and his daughter, Maya, who was in the stroller. We took it nice and slow. At one point, Maya said, “Move Daddy, move!” Ha ha. He said, “We are, honey!” Ha ha. It was nice to run with Fritz. He distracted me from the pain in my shin, and offered to give me a massage later if I need it (he and his wife are licensed massage therapists).

So… I think I am chafing on my back and under my armpit. I have some nasty sore spots. Time to start using the Body Glide!

Wonderful chafing by my armpit. Hurts more than it looks!

Distance: 4.00 | Time: 41:36 | 1: 10:16 | 2: 10:28 | 3: 10:30 | 4: 10:19 | 5: 00:01

Day 46 | Thursday, July 30: Rest

Day 47 | Friday, July 31: Rest

Day 48 | Saturday, August 1: Run 7 miles at marathon pace

My dad rode his bike with me while I ran these 7 miles. I lubed up with the Body Glide before hand, so I didn’t have any chafing issues. Woo-hoo! And, my shin didn’t hurt too much (I still iced it after, just in case)! I think the two days of rest helped.

But, I was pretty slow for a “race pace” run. I averaged under 9:10 a mile. I think I should adjust my race pace to about 9:15 miles. When I was running with my dad, I told him the only way I would be able to keep up a 9-minute mile during the marathon would be if I lost about 15 pounds. We’ll see about that! Ha ha!

It was fun to run with my dad. I don’t see him often, and rarely get him all to myself, so it was a nice hour for me to blab.

Check out the new running outfit my parents got me for my birthday! Isn’t it cute? I haven’t worn it running yet, but I love it. It’s from Kohl’s. I am surprised how nice of running outfits they have.

A new running outfit from my parents!

Distance: 7.00 | Time: 1:04:00 | 1: 9:06 | 2: 9:01 | 3: 8:57 | 4: 9:00 | 5: 9:10 | 6: 9:19 | 7: 9:22 | 8: 00:02

Day 49 | Sunday, August 2: Run 14 miles

My longest run ever (both distance and time-wise) but also my slowest MOST PAINFUL run ever.

The shin pain came back with a vengeance, almost as soon as I stopped running Saturday. It usually only hurts when I am moving, but it actually hurt while I was sleeping Saturday night. Of course, I still got up to run in the morning anyway…

My dad came along on his bike again. I am not sure if he knew what a long, slow bike ride he was in for!

We ran from my parent’s cabin to the downtown area and back. It was such a slow, hot, long, painful run. I stopped 4 or 5 times to go to the bathroom and get water. Every time I took off after running I limped for quite a bit. I really expected the limping to go away, but it took a long time.

We ran along the Mississippi River.

We ran by the Lock & Dam No. 10.

My dad carried all of my junk for me in the child carrier on his back. I wish he could ride with me along the marathon like that. It was really convenient. For me.

I look like I am running faster than I really am. I felt like I was walking, more than running, during this 14-miler.

Every muscle in my body felt sore when I was done. I hurt just taking my clothes off to take a shower.

Thanks for sticking with me, daddy. I love you!

So many things were wrong with this run. I was up too late. I woke up too late. I ate crap all weekend. It was too hot. I was dehydrated. My shin hurt. I just WAS NOT prepared. As a result – major run FAIL. I am sad about this run.

Distance: 14.00 | Time: 2:33:48 | 1: 9:58 | 2: 10:15 | 3: 10:58 | 4: 11:03 | 5: 10:35 | 6: 11:04 | 7: 10:58 | 8: 10:49 | 9: 10:52 | 10: 11:06 | 11: 11:21 | 12: 11:42 | 13: 11:57 | 14: 11:03 | 15: 00:01 

Week Summary: 36 Miles

This week was… hard. My body (shin) is in a huge amount of pain. I may have to cut back to running 4 or 3 days a week, and slower, until it gets better. I plan on buying/ordering new shoes right away, but I don’t know how much that will help. I am not sure what to do.

I’m feeling really bummed about my pain and my slow running.