Comments (36)

By kilax, December 17, 2009 5:01 am

Have you ever been worried about the health of a loved one but not been sure on what you could do to help?

I know I’ve been in that situation. And people have probably been in that situation with concern for me. The problem is, I never figured out what to say/do to help.

I was reading Men’s Health* while working out on the bike on Tuesday. In the “Ask the Girl Next Door” section of “Ask Men’s Health” I saw this question:

Q: My wife eats junk food and never exercises, and I’m worried she’s going to balloon when she hits 35. How can I address this without getting my head ripped off?

Um, I would start by NOT using the world balloon. Men’s Health’s answer (remember, this answer is from a woman):

A: First, see if you can help her change her lifestyle without having a direct conversation. Ask her to take a walk with you after work. Hold her hand and ask about her day. Cook dinner more often and assume grocery duties. In fact, do more chores in general – remove a chunk of her daily obligations, and she’ll have more time and energy to spend on herself. If after a few months you still see no change, that’s when you sit her down, hold her tight, and say you’ve noticed that she hasn’t been taking great care of herself. Tell her it worries you on both a health level and, you’re embarrassed to admit, a sexual level. Say it makes you feel shallow and that you hate hurting her feelings, but that it’s something you want to address. Then ask her what’s going through her mind. And this is the most important part: Listen to her answer, and tell her, as many times as it takes, that you’ll always love her and you’re wiling and eager to help make her life easier.

Wow.

So… I thought there as definitely some good advice in there – splitting chores to allow equal free time between spouses, listening to each other’s concerns, working out together…

But damn. The sexual comment? Not being honest about your concerns from the get-go? That doesn’t fly with me. If you are going down that route, you might as well follow this AWFUL list of “10 subtle ways to tell her she’s getting fat.” Yep. It’s awful. Read it if you want to be a little bit pissed off for the rest of the day.

Would these techniques work on you? What would work? Have you ever tried to help someone out with following a healthier lifestyle?

I sometimes have food issues – binge eating and eating too fast. These issues are triggered by being rushed, feeling like things are out of my control, stress, general anxiety, and we can’t forget the last one – boredom. Steven has tried to help me. But I am so defensive about it. I think even if I came up with the perfect thing for him to say, and he said it, I would still find something wrong with the tone of his voice, or his timing. I don’t want to make it a lonely battle, because I am sure I could use support from time to time, but I am just not ready for it.

In the same sense, I don’t think I discuss exercise with him in the way he would prefer. I love to hear about other people’s workouts, so I will ask if he had time to fit one in, and if he didn’t, I think me asking makes him feel bad.

I am not mentioning these two examples because it’s a huge problem for us – it surely isn’t. We support each other by cooking healthy meals, working out together, and discussing our healthy goals. I just want to say that I think it is difficult to help someone else get healthy**, even if you have great communication. It’s so personal. You have to be really comfortable to even talk about it.

*Seems like a great mag, by the way!
**Especially since healthy can mean so many different things to different people.

Comments (13)

By kilax, January 7, 2009 5:55 pm

I’ve posted a few times about my disdain for my neighbors (here, here, and here… and probably elsewhere), and how I felt it was normal to not know ANY of them.

After yesterday’s post, you might be wondering what my deal is, and if I have any friends at ALL. I do. And ironically, I felt inspired today to write about some of our newest friends – who, also ironically, are neighbors! We met them last spring, and have been hanging out with them and their daughter regularly since then.

I don’t know if I can accurately describe how nice, thoughtful, giving and fun to be around these people are. The husband is charismatic, gregarious, outgoing… he may be the friendliest person I’ve ever met. He’s one of those people that EVERYBODY likes.  The wife is very easygoing, easy to talk to, caring and thoughtful – the type that seems to find happiness in everything. She listens and shows interest – you know I like that.

And their daughter is absolutely adorable. I kind of thought it would be a problem for the five of us to hang out since we don’t have a child as well, but their daughter is so well-behaved and well-spoken that it has never been a problem. She sings and dances and plays with Data while we are having a conversation. She’ll tell you if she needs a nap or is hungry or wants to go to the bathroom.

We went to her third birthday party in the beginning of December. Oh my. They had A LOT of people in their home. A lot of family, a lot of friends, and a lot of kids. It was fun. Their daughter kind of just sat back and watched the other kids play (she’s an observer, until she begins to feel comfortable). At one point, her mother asked her to put away the toys to her kitchen set – plastic food, utensils, plates and so on. She sat diligently on the floor, packing everything into a storage bin, not noticing the other kids dancing and yelling around her. She put the bin away when she was all done then got up and went to another part of the room. Another kid immediately came and dumped everything out on the floor! Then her mother came back and asked her to put everything away, in that sort of voice like, “I already told you once!” She had a little pout on her face, but listened to her mother and put everything away again. Steven and I were just sitting there laughing. We knew she had put it all away once. We told the mom that story last week and she just laughed and laughed. She said, “I wondered why she hadn’t put them away when I first asked!”

Oops, that was kind of a tangent.

I get really excited when I tell people about our “neighbors,” because I think they are so awesome. Besides inviting us over all the time, feeding us, entertaining us, etc. (which we do the same), they’ve really helped us out a lot. I needed to find a church in the neighborhood, and they knew of one. I didn’t know where to go to vote and they gave me general directions. I wasn’t sure about taking the job with the federal government and they encouraged me, supported me and followed up with me – calling to ask my decision, congratulating me, asking how I like it so far, etc.

We’ve asked them to watch over Data the past two weekends while we were out of town. Both times, they came over everyday, sometimes twice! They leave a detailed list of when they were there, how much Data ate, if he went poo, if he had a treat, if he seemed happy… Steven and I think they do a better job recording him than the shelter does when we board him!

A family emergency came up and Steven and I have to travel again. Another four days away from home. I hated asking them to watch Data again, but I don’t like leaving him alone for that many days. I start to feel really guilty.

Well, you can probably guess, our neighbor was more than excited to watch Data. He said, “I wish I could watch Data every weekend!” Then he started to tell me about how cute Data is, how he is there when he opens the door and follows him around the house, purring.

I apologized for asking him to watch him, yet again, but he started telling me how he feels like we do so much for him and his family, and his is more than happy to return the favor. “We’re neighbors afterall!”

We are. I just never realized what that meant!