Ever since we started bowling so vigorously three months ago, my left hip has been in a lot of pain. It usually begins to flare up towards the middle of the second game. By the third game (and there’s almost always a third game), I am almost hobbling back to the seating area after I play.
Then, for the next few days, I am in quite a bit of pain whenever I get up out of a chair, or sometimes even when I am just walking around. The pain never really goes away completely, because we go bowling almost every three days.
Everyone keeps telling me I need to stretch out before I play. Fine. I’ll stretch out. BUT HOW to I stretch out my hip area?! (No perverted suggestions – you know I’m talking to you!)
I imagine that if I got rid some of the extra weight I am carrying around it wouldn’t hurt so much. But what am I supposed to do in the meantime?
Kyra’s post about weight today really struck a chord with me, mainly the part when she said (wrote?), “Sometimes I feel as though I have had to give myself permission to lose weight.”
For at least three-quarters of the past year, I haven’t really cared about my body. I ate whatever I wanted and put on weight. I just didn’t care. Even when I saw pictures of myself looking awful and unhealthy. Even when Steven tried to help me. I just didn’t have the right attitude. I wasn’t ready to take care of myself.
Then, a few weeks ago, I started eating healthy again, or at least making healthier choices (unfortunately not on the 4th of July weekend, or this weekend, but… I was at least conscious). I’m not exercising again yet, but I can see this all headed that way.
What worries me, is that I have NO IDEA what made me want to change. NO IDEA AT ALL. I gave myself the permission to be healthy, but why?
So while I am trying to take care of myself now, I know that it could all change again.
I just wish I could figure myself out. Because the physical weight is more than physical. It’s beginning to weigh down on me mentally as well.
Hanging my 5K runner’s bibs tags on my closet wall was supposed to make me feel proud and motivate me…
… so why haven’t I run one since April 19th?
Of course, as soon as I started working, I stopped running. I wake up at 5:15 am each weekday, and REFUSE to wake up earlier than that to run! And when I get home around 7:30 pm or later, and still have to eat dinner, I don’t feel like running on a full stomach or getting my heart rate back up right before I go to bed.
But lately, with everyone talking about losing weight and staring to exercise again, I am starting to feel motivated. More importantly than that, I am missing how much I enjoy running and how good it makes me feel.
I want to go for it again. I am just afraid of not sticking with it. Again. I’m afraid of failure.
I received my January issue of Glamour magazine in the beginning of December. I usually devour new magazines, as I am eager to read something on my long train ride home besides my crap excuse for a newspaper.
But I was too intimidated by the January issue to read it. It had a huge heading on the front that said “Get to your happy weight!” I opened up the magazine and saw that almost 20 pages of the issue were dedicated to “getting a healthy body for life.” (That’s a lot, for a magazine that is probably 50% ads)
I skipped over those articles and choose to read the fluff article on Carrie Underwood instead. Then I put the paper aside. I didn’t reopen it to read “short hair you can wear,” “How to love a crazy job,” or even “America’s best dos & don’ts!” Every time I opened the magazine, it seemed to flip open to those “getting a healthy body for life” pages, and I just wasn’t ready to read them. Who is in December? Who wants to read about what not to eat, and how to portion your meals in the middle of the holidays?
But why am I not reading it now? The truth is, I don’t need to read “Exactly what to eat to lose weight.” I know exactly what to eat to lose weight. I know exactly what to do to lose weight. I have done it successfully before.
And I have gained it all back, successfully before.
What I don’t know, is how to make myself dedicated to a healthy eating lifestyle. Because believe me, I know it’s not a diet. I just don’t know how to say “no” to myself.
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