Comments (21)

By kilax, October 15, 2008 5:51 am

It’s time for me to reread Life is Hard, Food is Easy, by Linda Spangle.

It’s also time for me to 100% honest. To let it all out.

This is going to be a long one…

Steven and I have a typical weekday routine. It’s nice for me. He gets home first and makes dinner. I get home, dinner is made, we eat. We almost immediately exercise outside, together, or move camp upstairs to use the treadmill.

Last night, Steven got home about an hour after I did. Of course, no dinner was made when I got home (Thanks a lot, Data).

I immediately started to have a weird “out-of-routine” panic. I wanted to make dinner and eat together, but I knew we would be eating too late for both of us to use the treadmill or exercise outside together.

So, what happened? I tried to busy myself by cleaning up the kitchen before preparing dinner.

But I was feeling stressed, anxious, and nervous. How I’ve felt since Sunday. There’s more bothering me than what I’ve mentioned in my lovely “Why I’m Pissed Off Today” series. I’ve been externally avoiding these things (not talking about them), while internally dwelling on them and feeding my “pissed off” mood.

I think I’ve created a self-fulfilling pissed off mood. Anyway.

It happened. Those leftover, p.o.s., “I’m too pissed off to take these ugly oatmeal raisin cookies to work” (long story) cookies were sitting on the counter, all crumbled up in a container. Stupid p.o.s. cookies.

I ate one crumble. Yum. I ate more. I kept eating. I couldn’t stop. Inside my head I was telling myself, “No! You have to eat dinner with Steven soon!” But I couldn’t stop my hand and mouth. I was just grabbing them as fast as I could and chewing them even faster.

It literally felt like something took over me.

Somehow, I stepped away, and sat down on the couch with my computer. Steven called, and I told him about it. He suggested throwing the cookies away. I did. I am thankful for that.

I still ate dinner. But I didn’t exercise. In fact, I laid in bed while Steven exercised, feeling cranky and upset. About so many things.

I tried to be reassuring. I told myself, “You only ate about 600 extra calories! You’ll be fine! No biggie! Sometimes you eat more than that at a restaurant and still lose weight!” (see how positive my self-talk can be?)

This morning, I stepped on the scale. I have a love/hate relationship with the scale. As in, I love it when the number goes down, and hate it when it stays the same or goes up.

I still weigh myself every day, to keep on track. My dream is that someday, when I am “maintaining” my weight, I will only step on that b*tch once a week. Ha.

It said I went up TWO pounds. This is illogical. I did not eat THAT much. I quickly came up with reasons in my head to defend the gain, then told myself, “STOP – STOP DOING THIS!”

Stop obsessing.

I should be proud of myself. Last weekend, I got my “Size 12” box out of my closet. It had been on a shelf since last winter. Everything fits. Everything. Shouldn’t I be proud of that? I am moving through clothing sizes so fast now (so fast, that I am wasting money when I buy new pants – they only fit for a month or so).

I was a size 18. My goal is a size 10 (maybe smaller). I’m so close. But still, I obsess.

I worry. I think about food too much. I’m afraid of food. I. Have. To. Be. In. Control.

This weekend, Steven and I are traveling to Iowa to visit my family. We even took Friday off from work. I am excited about the trip. I haven’t seen some of my family since June!

But I worry. Like I always do. I worry I won’t have a good time unless I am stuffing my face. I worry I will eat too many “bad foods.” I worry about losing self-control.

Seriously. What’s the big deal, if every once in awhile, I let things go and eat more? (A lot more)

I beat myself up about it though. Even though I am telling myself, “This isn’t a big deal, Kim! It’s just one time weekend! You eat healthy all the time! Give yourself a break, girl! You deserve it!” I still feel guilty.

I have such an unhealthy, warped relationship with food/eating.

I’m so into “self-help,” I am convinced I can “fix” myself.

I read this book the last time (sad to write that) I lost a lot of weight, and I have reread a few sections since then.

It’s funny how I only read health books/fitness magazines when I am already in the process of a healthy lifestyle. I guess when I am not following a healthy lifestyle, I just feel too hopeless to even kid myself by opening it.

Anyway. I remember that I connected with this book so much when I read it.. that it was eerie.

Of course, I always think I am the only person who has overeating/binge problems. I’m not. But I forget.

The book links certain emotions with food and recommends a 5-step plan to overcome, essentially, eating your emotions.

I’m always weary of “step” programs. But the rest of the book seems so smart – I feel like it is speaking directly to me – that I think it is time for a reread/rethink. There must be something in there to help me.

I have to share the portion of the book that really “clicks” with me. The author identifies two kinds of “hunger” that bring on the emotional eating reflex – “head hunger” and “heart hunger.”

Head Hunger begins with a specific craving for something chewy, crunchy or textured (examples – chewy: candy bars, trail mix, steak; crunchy: nuts, breakfast cereal; textured: pizza, fries). “Head hunger is usually prompted by pressure-type emotions like anger, frustration or resentment.”

Heart Hunger doesn’t bring up specific cravings. You just have to eat and begin to mindlessly search for things (this used to happen to me A LOT). You often pick something soft, smooth or creamy (examples: ice cream, cheese, chocolate, cake, mashed potatoes, ethnic foods). “Heart hunger usually creeps in gradually.” It’s fueled by subtle emotions like loneliness, boredom, fatigue, need for love, etc.

Gosh. How can a book understand me that well? Why don’t I “understand me” that well?

Seriously. Can you relate to these descriptions at all?

The book goes on with steps to deal with the emotions in other ways than eating. The method is more than just distracting yourself, if I recall correctly.

I feel hopeful just writing about it.

The funny thing is, overeating/binging hasn’t been a huge problem for me lately. But last night scared me. I used to eat like that ALL THE TIME. And I’ve mentioned that I don’t understand how my mood suddenly changed to allow me to follow a healthy lifestyle.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to stay at a healthy weight.

Right now, I’m at my “plateau” weight. The weight I always get to and stall, then regain. I was hoping to just bust right past it. But I am dwelling on it too much. I’ve got to let it go. I’ve got to give my body time.

I think the whole “Body Mass Index” (BMI) is kind of bs, but I am in the overweight category with a 28.7. I’m almost “obese.” I’d just like to get into the “normal weight” range and STAY THERE.

But you know what? That’s probably not truly “normal.” Normal for most people is probably just like me, having issues and struggling with food.

But, we try. Right?

So, I’m going to keep trying. I already feel better. Thanks for reading.

Comments (14)

By kilax, October 11, 2008 7:48 am

If I know I am going out for dinner in the evening (like tonight, with diane and E – a much awaited date!!!), I like to browse the restaurant menu online during the day, and pick my meal in advance.

I do this for several reasons:

One – it gives me time to pick the “healthiest” choices for a meal, if that is what I am in the mood for. Or, it lets me pick out a “not-so-healthy” meal choice, but gives me the entire day to eat a bit less, or even exercise a bit more (if I choose).

Two – it saves time at the restaurant, giving me more time to chat with friends. Normally, I am so excited to talk to friends at dinner, that the waitress comes back 3 or 4 times before we’ve made up our minds about what to order… or even opened the menus to take a peak!

Three – it gives me piece of mind. I have serious anxiety issues when it comes to choosing what to eat at a restaurant if I didn’t have time to research the menu or am not familiar with the place. All of these thoughts go through my head, “What did I eat today?” “Should I eat something unhealthy, or wait for a treat later in the week?” “Will I have time to work out after dinner?”

I try not to be an annoying dinner partner. And I still enjoy eating out! I just have a hard time not getting something really bad for me all the time and not clearing my plate all the time.

So, does anyone else choose meals in advance? For same or different reasons? Please don’t tell me I’m the only one!

Comments (10)

By kilax, October 8, 2008 9:47 pm

Last night, I wrote a rant post about the quote below. I ran across it in the July issue of VOGUE. (I’ve been checking out back issues of VOGUE from our public library, in an attempt to spend less money on magazines, and learn a little more about fashion.) I interpreted the quote as “Starve Yourself!”

My intent was to publish the post this morning, but at the last minute, I didn’t. I figured you’d had enough of the health stuff for awhile. And I also figured I was being a bit extremist about the whole thing. I thought, maybe I was the only person who thought there was something a bit off about this quote (it was not followed by an article).

BUT! Today, after NOT posting that, I actually saw this in the “Letters from Readers” section of the October issue of VOGUE:

I am not alone!

After reading this, my passion came back all of a sudden, and I wanted to share my thoughts again.

First things first – I DO NOT think VOGUE is the place to go for health advice! Of course not! But, the way that quote is written, it DOES make me feel like they are saying “It is okay to not eat when you are hungry.”

SO MANY PEOPLE, myself included, do not eat when they are hungry. They eat all the time. They eat when they are emotional. They eat when they are bored. They eat when they are sad. They eat when they are happy!

I am trying (SO HARD) to learn to eat when I am hungry. To eat a small amount right before hunger hits, then stop when I am satisfied.

I don’t know A TON about how the human body works, but do you think it knows when you are hungry? I mean, if you are gorging yourself everyday (like I WAS), it won’t know, BUT it relearned with time.

So, I say, if you are hungry – then EAT, goddammit!

Okay. Now. How do YOU interpret it?

(Edit: A “pang” is a “a sudden feeling of mental or emotional distress or longing.” Does that mean that it is not true hunger? Did I misinterpret this completely? AH! My anxiety just came back!)

(Edit 2: Oh. And “Picturing my last meal” would make me feel more hungry. If I am feeling “snacky” but NOT hungry, the best thing for me to do is distract myself with something else not food-related!)

Comments (9)

By kilax, September 24, 2008 12:46 pm

When, if ever, I am going to NOT feel guilty about taking a day off from exercise?

I know. I need to let my body rest. And I know. I should probably do some strength training, and go easy on the cardiovascular.

But I can’t get over the guilt.

Most days, I really crave the exercise. I feel like it completes my day. But every once in awhile, I just want to relax. I don’t want to scarf down my dinner, rush to put on my exercise clothes and race out the door. I want to get home, eat a slow(er) dinner, maybe sit on the couch, play Rock Band, play with Data, actually talk to my husband…

I don’t want to feel guilty for meeting a friend for dinner instead of going home to exercise. I don’t want to feel guilty when we have to run errands on a weeknight, and it’s too late to exercise when we finally get home. I don’t want to stress out about when we are going to get exercise in when we have house guests.

I just want to accept that I did or did not exercise the day before… and get on with my day. And not dwell on it.

With time. Let’s hope, with time.

(Part of me kind of feels like I should apologize for blogging about the same themes… for such an extended period of time in a row. But, I’m not going to, because it makes me feel better to get it out there. I’ll just say – I hope I’m not boring you too much).

Comments (25)

By kilax, September 20, 2008 9:35 pm

Today was our 5K!

Before the race…

… and after!

Our neighbors came to cheer us on and took a few photos. It’s always nice to have someone there to cheer you on through the finish line! (And I should write an entire post about how wonderful these neighbors are – a husband, wife and daughter. They actually live in our neighborhood, not next door.)

Two of our neighbors and us

We’ve been running in the dark, most weeknights, around 8:00. It’s the earliest we can get outside to run. I was thinking this race would be easier than our night runs – we would actually be able to see where we were running. BUT, it was a lot hotter than when we’ve been running, since we’ve been running at night. It was about 80 degrees, and I think it is normally 65 (or less!) when we practice. I had a hard time breathing. I am kind of disappointed in that. I am happy Steven was there to push me and keep me going.

Oh well. Our finish time was 29:00! That’s encouraging enough that we may sign up for a few more 5Ks in September/October, or maybe even train for a 10K!

Quite a few people showed up for the race! It’s always fun with a lot of people there!

Running up the last hill. Check out my… “muscular” legs.

I always try to sprint the end!

Comments (18)

By kilax, August 21, 2008 1:09 pm

We have monthly “birthday celebrations” in my office during the months that the staff has birthdays. The company orders treats and we all sit around in the conference room, chatting for about 30 minutes (or more!) while enjoying the treats. It’s actually a nice break, to just sit and chat with everyone. I think of it as a morale booster.

Sometimes the company orders individual treats, like drinks from Starbucks (bleh), and sometimes they order one big thing, like a coffee cake.

You may recall that I am on a “healthy lifestyle” quest. Whenever they order individual treats, I try to order something healthy or low in calories, like a fruit cup or a diet soda.

Today was the August celebration (duh) and our receptionist/secretary/all-star came up to me and said, “I’m going to order that cinnamon-cake thing from Corner Bakery. Do you want a fruit cup, since you are so being so good [healthy-eating wise]?”

She didn’t say it meanly – she was being nice. She noticed I’ve been watching what I eat, and actually asked me if I wanted an alternate item for the birthday celebration. I thought it was very nice that she provided that option for me, because some people are actually pretty mean when you are eating healthy. They become “food pushers” who want you to eat what they are eating or what they are making. I’m happy no one in my office is like that.

But damn, that cake smelled good when I was sitting there eating my fruit cup!

And a little bit of housekeeping… called “How I Blog.” Continue reading 'Fruit Cup'»

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By kilax, August 19, 2008 5:14 am

Pros of exercising INDOORS, on the treadmill:

• Flat, even terrain
• No wind! No resistance!
• Flat screen tv to watch
• Proximity to shower/bathroom
• Ample light
• No one can see you huffing and puffing
• No funny outdoor smells
• NO BUGS IN YOUR BRA

While Steven and I were walking home after running in the park last night, the area under my right breast really started to itch. Sports bras are a bit uncomfortable, so I figured that was all it was, and kept itching at it. I hurried up to the shower to peal it off and found…

… a little black bug with tiny legs.

GROSS! GROSS! GROSS! GROSS! GROSS!

Gross.

You can probably guess that I took a LONG shower and scrubbed extra hard.

In all honesty, I prefer running outside over running on an indoor track, and I prefer running on an indoor track over running on the treadmill. But last night we had to run in the dark. And it’s August! I can’t get home any earlier, so I guess I will be using the treadmill a lot more (than I prefer) during the colder/darker season. I’m lucky we have one at home.

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By kilax, August 14, 2008 12:32 pm

Thanks for the lolcat, Christina

Coincidentally, my infrequent posting corresponds directly to the increase of daily exercise in my life.

Instead of my usual evening routine of eating dinner then lounging somewhere with my computer, I am now eating dinner, exercising, taking a shower… and maybe turning my computer on to check my email.

But it’s more than that. My “quietness” seems to have seeped into real life as well. People I see every day are asking me “Is something wrong?” “Is everything okay?” “Why have you been so quiet lately?”

Nothing’s wrong. Everything is okay, and actually, I feel happy! But I don’t know why I’ve felt so quiet lately. All I know is, I don’t quite feel like myself.

If that makes any sense.

Comments (33)

By kilax, July 31, 2008 4:50 am

Look at the beautiful fruit pizza I (meaning Steven) made to take to work today:

Because if you can’t indulge and eat something bad for you on your birthday, when can you?!*

Steven and I laugh every time we talk about fruit pizza, because we think the title is a bit misleading – it makes it sound healthy! I mean, it almost looks healthy from the picture, right?

Well, I (meaning mostly Steven) just made it… and can tell you, there are a lot of hidden sweets in there that are adding on calories. But damn, it is going to taste so good… let me know if you want the recipe!

*And by eating something bad for you on your “birthday,” I mean your birthday, as well as the weekend that follows it, when your family is coming to visit and it is going to be a big fun, stuff-your-face party (Hopefully. God. Why else would I have been eating healthy all week?!).

Comments (18)

By kilax, July 22, 2008 12:56 pm

On Tuesday mornings, sales representatives visit our office to promote their products, as well as (more importantly?) give us free breakfast.

Every week it’s something different – bagels, croissants, yogurt, huge fruit platters, quiche (someone brought two huge quiches today!), donuts, etc.

Normal people can go to the presentation, listen to it, wait patiently to grab one thing to eat at their desk, and call it a day. Not me. I have the unique capability to eat and eat and eat, whether or not it tastes good, until I get too lazy to get up anymore.

So since I have been trying to eat healthy lately, I’ve been attending the presentations, but not eating ANYTHING AT ALL (with the small, occasional exception of a few bites of fresh fruit). Even though the quiche smells amazing, the croissants look incredibly soft and flaky, and they brought that yummy strawberry cream cheese… I am mentally saying “no.”

And that is because I don’t know moderation. Only restriction and indulgence.

I’ve never learned moderation. Even when I’ve been at my healthiest, I’ve still been extremely careful about what I eat. I’ve flirted with moderation a bit – counting out how many chips is a serving, only eating one piece of chocolate. Yeah, it feels good to have that control, but it is not something that comes natural.

I’ve always been an “all-or-nothing” person when it comes to eating. So that is why I will write here that I am eating healthy, but then when we go out together, I’ll stuff my face. That’s because I’d rather eat what I want at a restaurant then eat something “healthy” that isn’t what I really wanted… and probably doesn’t even taste that good! And after I eat all of that yummy restaurant food, I will get back on my healthy eating plan.

I know I should be able to eat half a croissant, or half of a veggie burger, or whatever, and moderate it. But I can’t. I’m really trying to work on it so I can be a more normal person though.

On the side: I constantly feel like I am repeating myself here. Constantly. Ha. I think half of that feeling is true – I AM repeating myself. But I think the other half is that I am so familiar with the thoughts I am sharing with you, I only FEEL like I am repeating myself. So, if I really am repeating topics… sorry!