Comments (10)

By kilax, November 9, 2008 5:45 pm

I just want to have a normal relationship with food. I do NOT want to:

• Spend my days counting calories.
• Feel guilty every weekend for eating more than I do on weekdays.
• Feel anxious about eating out.
• Feel anxious about eating in public.
• Feel anxious about eating ALL THE TIME.
• Worry I will regain all of the weight I have lost.
• Worry I will stop caring about myself again.

Someone please tell me this is possible. Because right now, I feel like I spend so much of my time thinking about eating/health/weight loss it is sickening.

I’ve been spending my weekends and free time searching for other weight loss and health blogs on the internet for inspiration. I now have a folder of 50+ of them in google reader. I’ve found so many cool people going through the same thing I am (there are a few that I would love to recommend – Escape from Obesity, Morgan Gets Thin, Perfect in our Imperfections, Coming Clean: Tales of a Disordered Eater), but I worry that I am being too obsessive. I worry I am thinking about being healthy too much and not living my life.

I’m reading another “food and health” book – Intuitive Eating. Yes, another one. I saw this book recommended in quite a few places. I always read these books with a grain of salt… but I am still picking them up and reading them. I guess I am hoping for some revolutionary insight? I already know I overeat when stressed/anxious/bored. Someone please just reprogram me so I don’t do that anymore.

This book is an anti-diet book that focuses on getting back to “intuitive eating” – basically listening to hunger cues and following that instead of a diet.

Well, I’ve never followed a diet, but I do have internal rules for myself about eating. Maybe, just maybe, I can learn to have a normal relationship with food. How many posts have I ended saying that?

Why I am feeling so stressed/anxious/nervous/restless all the time? When will this go away?! When?!

Comments (10)

By kilax, October 5, 2008 7:31 am

I never thought the term “retail therapy” applied to me. Even though I have spent a few lunch breaks walking up and down State Street, wandering in and out of stores I had visited only a week or so before… I just thought I was looking for “essentials” for my work wardrobe.

Right.

Now that I have cut back on that (really, I have most of what I need) I realize that shopping was just a replacement for what I used to do during my lunch break to get away from work stress for awhile – eat eat EAT!

Don’t worry – I didn’t waste a lot of money, or even spend that many days at the stores, I just realized when I was out there, I wasn’t really looking for anything in particular. I was just looking for a mental break.

For a few months, I have been eating my lunch at my desk. Every day.

I hate this. It makes me feel anti-social. And it doesn’t really count as a mental break. Even if I am sitting there, reading email or blogs, or whatever.

Somedays, I don’t even leave the floor of my building.

Which must be why I liked going to shops. It just got me out of the building. And may be why I would run around outside looking for treats, before I started my healthy lifestyle quest.

We have a “break room.” But you know what? I can’t eat in there. I can’t sit still, and watch people eat their lunch. Without craving something more than mine. I am not starving myself, but I am grazing – I eat small things throughout the day. It actually feels great. But sitting down, and seeing someone eat so much more, along with trying to make small chat – I can’t do it. It makes me all nervous and antsy and depressed. It affects my ENTIRE day.

And I can’t take my small lunch back there and make it last very long. I already eat fast, and I am not eating much. So put those two together – why even go back there?

When I lived and worked in Rome, I did this as well. Only, we HAD to leave the office during lunch. So I would walk around and see the sights, eating my small lunch. Why can’t I do that here?

Yeah, ideally, I wouldn’t be this weird about food.

Comments (14)

By kilax, September 19, 2008 5:47 am

Are you a creature of habit, food wise? Do you eat the same thing everyday? Are there any foods/drinks, you feel like you have to consume on a daily basis? Or… do you like some variety?

Since I am on the “healthy lifestyle” quest, I am very conscious of what I consume everyday. I generally eat a rotation of the same food groups each day – vegetables, whole grains, fruit, (soy) protein – but I try to eat a different variety within that group each day so that I don’t get bored with it.

I have to have carbohydrates everyday though – I could never give them up. I like to “graze” – eating small snacks throughout the day, rather than typical “meals,” to keep my metabolism up. I finish with a medium-sized dinner. I don’t feel like there is one food I must have on a daily basis though, except warm oatmeal at work for breakfast. It makes starting the work day so much more pleasant for me.

You know, I really hate being this conscious of food, and what I am eating all the time. It makes dining out a TOTAL headache. BUT – I am trying to enjoy life and enjoy food. I am trying not to feel guilty if I eat something that is a lot higher in calories than I normally would. And I am hoping that this will all become more natural with time. I mean, it has to!

Comments (18)

By kilax, August 21, 2008 1:09 pm

We have monthly “birthday celebrations” in my office during the months that the staff has birthdays. The company orders treats and we all sit around in the conference room, chatting for about 30 minutes (or more!) while enjoying the treats. It’s actually a nice break, to just sit and chat with everyone. I think of it as a morale booster.

Sometimes the company orders individual treats, like drinks from Starbucks (bleh), and sometimes they order one big thing, like a coffee cake.

You may recall that I am on a “healthy lifestyle” quest. Whenever they order individual treats, I try to order something healthy or low in calories, like a fruit cup or a diet soda.

Today was the August celebration (duh) and our receptionist/secretary/all-star came up to me and said, “I’m going to order that cinnamon-cake thing from Corner Bakery. Do you want a fruit cup, since you are so being so good [healthy-eating wise]?”

She didn’t say it meanly – she was being nice. She noticed I’ve been watching what I eat, and actually asked me if I wanted an alternate item for the birthday celebration. I thought it was very nice that she provided that option for me, because some people are actually pretty mean when you are eating healthy. They become “food pushers” who want you to eat what they are eating or what they are making. I’m happy no one in my office is like that.

But damn, that cake smelled good when I was sitting there eating my fruit cup!

And a little bit of housekeeping… called “How I Blog.” Continue reading 'Fruit Cup'»

Comments (33)

By kilax, July 31, 2008 4:50 am

Look at the beautiful fruit pizza I (meaning Steven) made to take to work today:

Because if you can’t indulge and eat something bad for you on your birthday, when can you?!*

Steven and I laugh every time we talk about fruit pizza, because we think the title is a bit misleading – it makes it sound healthy! I mean, it almost looks healthy from the picture, right?

Well, I (meaning mostly Steven) just made it… and can tell you, there are a lot of hidden sweets in there that are adding on calories. But damn, it is going to taste so good… let me know if you want the recipe!

*And by eating something bad for you on your “birthday,” I mean your birthday, as well as the weekend that follows it, when your family is coming to visit and it is going to be a big fun, stuff-your-face party (Hopefully. God. Why else would I have been eating healthy all week?!).

Comments (18)

By kilax, July 22, 2008 12:56 pm

On Tuesday mornings, sales representatives visit our office to promote their products, as well as (more importantly?) give us free breakfast.

Every week it’s something different – bagels, croissants, yogurt, huge fruit platters, quiche (someone brought two huge quiches today!), donuts, etc.

Normal people can go to the presentation, listen to it, wait patiently to grab one thing to eat at their desk, and call it a day. Not me. I have the unique capability to eat and eat and eat, whether or not it tastes good, until I get too lazy to get up anymore.

So since I have been trying to eat healthy lately, I’ve been attending the presentations, but not eating ANYTHING AT ALL (with the small, occasional exception of a few bites of fresh fruit). Even though the quiche smells amazing, the croissants look incredibly soft and flaky, and they brought that yummy strawberry cream cheese… I am mentally saying “no.”

And that is because I don’t know moderation. Only restriction and indulgence.

I’ve never learned moderation. Even when I’ve been at my healthiest, I’ve still been extremely careful about what I eat. I’ve flirted with moderation a bit – counting out how many chips is a serving, only eating one piece of chocolate. Yeah, it feels good to have that control, but it is not something that comes natural.

I’ve always been an “all-or-nothing” person when it comes to eating. So that is why I will write here that I am eating healthy, but then when we go out together, I’ll stuff my face. That’s because I’d rather eat what I want at a restaurant then eat something “healthy” that isn’t what I really wanted… and probably doesn’t even taste that good! And after I eat all of that yummy restaurant food, I will get back on my healthy eating plan.

I know I should be able to eat half a croissant, or half of a veggie burger, or whatever, and moderate it. But I can’t. I’m really trying to work on it so I can be a more normal person though.

On the side: I constantly feel like I am repeating myself here. Constantly. Ha. I think half of that feeling is true – I AM repeating myself. But I think the other half is that I am so familiar with the thoughts I am sharing with you, I only FEEL like I am repeating myself. So, if I really am repeating topics… sorry!

Comments (13)

By kilax, June 8, 2008 1:13 pm

On a scale of 1-5, how annoyed are you when I write a post about our cat, Data? (1 being “not annoyed at all, I find it endearing!” and 5 being “I am unsubscribing Kim from my reader RIGHT NOW”)

I’ll give it a 3 – “I like it from time to time, but not ALL THE TIME.” Ha ha.

On the weekends, starting around 6:00 am, Data likes to sit next to me and meow constantly into my ear. Then he likes to knock over the garbage can next to my bed. Then he goes to the windows, and bats at the blinds. Then he gets onto Steven’s dresser, and tries to reach into his dresser door to get his glasses out. Then he comes back to me on the bed and starts the cycle over at 6:05 am.

I get it, cat. YOU THINK YOU’RE HUNGRY.

So I had the BRILLIANT idea to get out his automatic feeder to use on the weekends. We fill it up Friday and Saturday nights, set it for 6:00 am, and we blissfully sleep in until at least 8:00 am.

Right.

Data starts whining when he sees us putting the food into the feeder. He finally comes to bed, but then gets up around 3:00 am to go push the feeder all around the house, banging it into things, trying to get it to open. He still comes and meows in my ear, wanting me to open the feeder early. Why don’t I just leave a bag of food on the floor for him?

Even after he eats the food, he acts like it is “extra” food that he found on his own. Finders keepers! “When are you going to feed me again Mommy?!” He’ll sit next to his feeder and wait for someone to walk by and see how pathetic and starved he looks.

So, I never get to “truly” sleep in anymore (Steven sleeps right through all of this nonsense), I have to get up and get this little monster my furbaby to shut up some food.

Don’t you feel sorry for me? No really, don’t you? I am only joking, it’s not a big deal, but I think it demonstrates again, what awful of a mother I would make… getting so annoyed by this…

(Wow. What a long and pathetic post about MY CAT. I think I just upped my vote to a 4 – “I’m on the verge of annoyed and stopped reading after the third paragraph.” I promise something of more substance tomorrow. Maybe.)

Comments (11)

By kilax, May 20, 2008 8:00 am

I just realized I brought peach-flavored yogurt and a peach in my lunch today.

Duh. That makes me feel kind of dumb. At least one is “dairy” and one counts as “fruit.”

When my class was learning about the food pyramid in grade school, our teacher gave us each a sheet of white glossy square stickers with pictures of different foods on them. He also gave us sheets of paper that had an illustration of a plate on it. Our task in class was to put “well-balanced” meals on the plate based on what we were learning.

For some reason, the local television crew decided to come and interview my class to do a little human interest story (I guess news was slow that day). They interviewed a few of us, and we showed them our little papers with our stickers on them, with the crude drawings of corn, chicken legs, apples, etc.

I eagerly awaited watching the story on the news that night. To my dismay, they showed a shot of the entire class working, with the reporter talking in front of us, then interviewed only one kid.

A few of us were pretty bummed the next day. We had worked really hard on our “balanced” meals, and thought they would show them on tv.

Our teacher was more upset about what was on the kid’s plate that they did show – mashed potatoes, french fries, and tater tots.

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Today’s Idiom: red-letter day – day of happiness, time for rejoicing (holidays are red-letter days on our calendars)

My red-letter day came when I received a job offer before graduation. I felt like I had nothing to worry about anymore.

Comments (10)

By kilax, January 18, 2008 5:50 am

What is the most awful thing you have ever eaten (whether it be food or non-food, intentional or not intentional, completely eaten or just tasted)?

A few years ago, Steven and I decided we wanted to experience “new” vegetables. We thought, “Brussels sprouts always get a bad rep! We’ll try those!”

So we went and bought them. We took them home. We washed them. We cooked them. We sat down to eat them with our meal.

I bit into one… and it had a white worm in it. I don’t think I have ever gagged so much in my life.

Then we realized there were LOTS of white worms. How do you NOT notice white worms when you are cooking something?!

Yuck! We have never eaten them again!

Comments (10)

By kilax, January 13, 2008 9:48 am

Does anyone else go through “food phases”?

For months, I will be obsessed with eating one food. I will crave it almost every day. I will still try to eat a balanced diet, but at the end of the day, I feel like I have to get some of that one food.

I hated peanut butter for the first half of 2007. It made me sick to even see it. But then I started wanting it every day – on crackers, on bread, on a spoon, in a cookie, in a Reese’s… now when we are at the grocery store, and I pick up some more PB, Steven asks me, “Are we really out of peanut butter? Again?!”

The same thing has happened to me with Nature Valley granola bars, the Thai dish “Pad Siew,” burritos, crackers… I am starting to wonder if this is a normal thing, or if I need to try to eat a more varied diet all the time so that I don’t get so focused and obsessed with one food!