Comments (10)

By kilax, November 9, 2008 5:45 pm

I just want to have a normal relationship with food. I do NOT want to:

• Spend my days counting calories.
• Feel guilty every weekend for eating more than I do on weekdays.
• Feel anxious about eating out.
• Feel anxious about eating in public.
• Feel anxious about eating ALL THE TIME.
• Worry I will regain all of the weight I have lost.
• Worry I will stop caring about myself again.

Someone please tell me this is possible. Because right now, I feel like I spend so much of my time thinking about eating/health/weight loss it is sickening.

I’ve been spending my weekends and free time searching for other weight loss and health blogs on the internet for inspiration. I now have a folder of 50+ of them in google reader. I’ve found so many cool people going through the same thing I am (there are a few that I would love to recommend – Escape from Obesity, Morgan Gets Thin, Perfect in our Imperfections, Coming Clean: Tales of a Disordered Eater), but I worry that I am being too obsessive. I worry I am thinking about being healthy too much and not living my life.

I’m reading another “food and health” book – Intuitive Eating. Yes, another one. I saw this book recommended in quite a few places. I always read these books with a grain of salt… but I am still picking them up and reading them. I guess I am hoping for some revolutionary insight? I already know I overeat when stressed/anxious/bored. Someone please just reprogram me so I don’t do that anymore.

This book is an anti-diet book that focuses on getting back to “intuitive eating” – basically listening to hunger cues and following that instead of a diet.

Well, I’ve never followed a diet, but I do have internal rules for myself about eating. Maybe, just maybe, I can learn to have a normal relationship with food. How many posts have I ended saying that?

Why I am feeling so stressed/anxious/nervous/restless all the time? When will this go away?! When?!

Comments (18)

By kilax, November 6, 2008 5:03 pm

I keep little serving size containers of snacks in my drawer at work. It’s mostly carbohydrates – triscuits, barbara’s bakery shredded oats, pretzels, sometimes a granola bar or animal crackers. The idea is that these snacks are there to supplement my hunger if I need them in the afternoon. I try to eat fruit, vegetables, and sometimes dairy products before I resort to these snacks so I don’t overload on carbs.

I’m finding it is both beneficial and harmful to always have a snack there.

It’s beneficial because I am always prepared – if I am unexpectedly hungry, I know I have something small and somewhat healthy that will tide me over until I get home for dinner. I don’t have to leave my office in search for a “healthy snack.” Sometimes, that is hard to find!

It’s harmful because I know the snacks are always there. Sometimes, I will start thinking about a snack, when I am not even hungry, and my mouth will start watering. It’s really hard then, to tell myself “no,” when I want it so badly.

I’ve tried only bringing one snack at a time, but that always turns out to be the day I am hungry for more. And it’s more convenient to bring a bunch of them in at once so I don’t have to carry one every day.

I’ve been really stressed out lately. Stressed out about things I don’t want to discuss here, right now.

Yesterday, around 4:00 pm, all of the stress got to me. I was trying to prepare for a meeting and was having a hard time getting the documents I needed from someone. I started eating my snacks. One by one, until they were all gone, and I had reached my day’s goal of calorie intake! I wasn’t eating the snacks mindfully, I was shoveling and barely chewing.

After I was done with my snacks, I felt the urge to keep snacking. I was worried and scared. I hadn’t felt that urge in a long time – the urge to stuff my face until I got sick of it. I used to have that urge everyday! I wondered if something was changing in me – if all of my good eating habits were going down the drain.

I went downstairs to our building’s convenience store, searching for something to munch on. I knew, in my mind, that I was just frustrated and stressed out. I thought about the emotional eating book, and the fact that I was just trying to brush aside those feelings and focus on something soothing.

But I didn’t care. So I kept searching for something to eat, and finally settled on a package of pop tarts. Do you know how many calories are in a package of pop tarts? At least 400! I even thought about that, but still took the package back to my office.

Then, I got back to my desk. And put the pop tarts in my drawer. And thought about how I wanted to eat dinner with Steven and exercise afterward. And how I was going to feel really crappy if I ate those stupid pop tarts.

I decided not to eat them. Before I left, I put them in the kitchen for someone else to have.

So why is this story so long and drawn out and even worth telling? Because it is a BIG DEAL that I did not eat those pop tarts, and fall into one of my binge eating patterns. I think if I would have eaten them, I would have had something else to eat on the train, then snacked on some stuff at home before Steven got there, then had dinner with him, then snacked some more afterward.

Usually, I can’t stop once I start. But this time I did.

And I don’t think this stress is going to go away, so I have to remember I have the power to say “no” to mindless eating. I know this may sound silly and dumb for those of you who do not struggle with this, but mindless eating has always been a huge problem for me.

Do you keep snacks at work? Do you find it beneficial or harmful? Do you “mindlessly” eat them?

Comments (14)

By kilax, October 11, 2008 7:48 am

If I know I am going out for dinner in the evening (like tonight, with diane and E – a much awaited date!!!), I like to browse the restaurant menu online during the day, and pick my meal in advance.

I do this for several reasons:

One – it gives me time to pick the “healthiest” choices for a meal, if that is what I am in the mood for. Or, it lets me pick out a “not-so-healthy” meal choice, but gives me the entire day to eat a bit less, or even exercise a bit more (if I choose).

Two – it saves time at the restaurant, giving me more time to chat with friends. Normally, I am so excited to talk to friends at dinner, that the waitress comes back 3 or 4 times before we’ve made up our minds about what to order… or even opened the menus to take a peak!

Three – it gives me piece of mind. I have serious anxiety issues when it comes to choosing what to eat at a restaurant if I didn’t have time to research the menu or am not familiar with the place. All of these thoughts go through my head, “What did I eat today?” “Should I eat something unhealthy, or wait for a treat later in the week?” “Will I have time to work out after dinner?”

I try not to be an annoying dinner partner. And I still enjoy eating out! I just have a hard time not getting something really bad for me all the time and not clearing my plate all the time.

So, does anyone else choose meals in advance? For same or different reasons? Please don’t tell me I’m the only one!