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By kilax, December 16, 2009 4:17 am

There was an interesting article about bad gift-giving and how it can be straining on marriages this Tuesday in the Wall Street Journal. I found it humorous, but also, disappointingly sexist – both for men and women.

The article gives the classic examples of “bad” gifts given to wives from their husbands – vacuum cleaners, over-sized sleepwear, cooking pots, golf clubs, etc. Those stories are always good for a laugh or two.

But I felt like the whole article made men sound like thoughtless idiots who don’t listen to their wives, think twice about what they are getting them, or care if they are given a “bad” gift. It made women sound like they are overly emotional about receiving a “bad” gift, elusive about what they want, and the perfect gift givers.

Well, I always say “stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason,” but come on*. I know this isn’t true in our relationship. Since we’ve been together (7 years) I have not been able to get Steven the “perfect” holiday** gift. First it was an XBox. Then a printer. Specialty items for the Saab. A nice watch. A Garmin. So on and so forth. Run-of-the-mill things. How do we measure the worth of a gift? By the excitement of the person opening it? By how much they use it? How much they talk about it? If they thank you?

Steven has given me amazing, thoughtful gifts. Probably the most amazing was the first thing he ever gave me – a handmade box for holding my drawing pencils. He made that!

So, I am not anti gift-giving or saying I am awful at giving gifts, but… maybe it’s not all that important, in the long run. Maybe it’s not something worth getting upset about. Maybe we should just be excited when someone was thoughtful and generous enough to get us something. You can tell when it is sincere and from the heart, not matter how good or “bad” it is.

What do you think? Are these gift-giving stereotypes true?

*I would love to see this article include some examples of same-sex relationships as well. I wonder what the gift-giving stereotypes are there.
**Steven, it doesn’t help that your birthday is THREE days before Christmas!

Comments (20)

By kilax, August 24, 2009 7:04 pm

Yesterday my sister told me she couldn’t wait for school to start (today) because she was bored and sick of summer.

My sister is popular and in a sorority. I think she is looking forward to seeing all of her friends (and all of that exciting school work, of course!).

But wow. I never looked forward to the start of school and I never got sick of summer. Summer was my freedom. I had a somewhat reliable schedule that I could plan around. I knew when I would get to see Steven (we were in a long-distance relationship for four years). I knew I would get enough sleep. I knew I would feel sane.

College was the opposite*. My schedule meant nothing. Everything was up in the air. I had no stability. Teachers would slam us with ridiculous assignments. I felt like I had no control over my schedule. I felt like I had no free-time, until my (first) senior year.

I felt extremely anxious ALL THE TIME.

So now, when it’s “back to school” time, I think about how lucky I am to work somewhere where I get paid salary and don’t have to work overtime, and have all of my weekends off. My schedule is respected. I am in control – even if me being in control means I still overbook myself.

But that doesn’t mean I am not excited for everyone who is going back! I am. I wish I wouldn’t have let anxiety be such a huge part of my life then.

*I feel it is necessary to mention that I was in the architecture program, which practically requires marrying your projects if you want to be successful. Most students end up spending most of their free time in the studio, getting by on 3 hours of sleep or less for days and days on end. I had to cancel weekend plans a lot because I had so much to do.

Comments (15)

By kilax, April 13, 2009 6:01 pm

I am ridiculously overwhelmed at work. The details don’t matter. Just imagine being super busy all day long and never catching up, even though you are trying SO HARD to do so. You’ve probably experienced what I am talking about.

It’s going to be like this for awhile. I’m really trying to fight the anxiety and stress it’s causing me.

Even though the day wasn’t great, I still left the office feeling good. I was able to come up with a list of things I am grateful for, and that cheered me up:

1. My supportive husband: I called Steven around 8:30 am because I needed to share my stress. He gave me good advice, “You can only take it one day at a time.” That’s what I needed to hear. I am going to break it down even more. I can only take it one hour at a time. Even though the hours are flying by… Later he wrote me a very encouraging email, telling me he knew I could do it, and to break my workload down into tasks, and to modify my “personal work system” to accommodate the changes at work. What a sweetie.
2. My awesome coach: I have a coach at work who oversees my work and guides me. We work on all of our projects together and get along wonderfully. I am more and more grateful everyday to be working with such an awesome teammate.
3. After raining all day, it stopped during my walk to the train station this evening.
4. Fencing class: I am going to be releasing some frustration tonight. Sorry, classmates. But it’s gonna feel good.

Comments (10)

By kilax, February 5, 2009 5:37 pm

It felt good today, to meet a friend in a similar profession for lunch, and tell her exactly what I do in my new job, and how much I like it. I told her passionately, without hesitation – something I haven’t been doing much of lately.

A lot of people have preconceived thoughts in their head about what it means to work for the federal government. A lot of people also have preconceived thoughts in their head about what I should be doing with my architecture degree.

Please stop judging me. Please let me be. I think I will figure this out on my own.

I hate that I feel afraid to talk about my job, because of other people’s judgment. I’m sorry I’m not being more specific – I think that would be inappropriate. Let me just say, I thank you all for the support you’ve given me.

Comments (19)

By kilax, January 21, 2009 5:57 pm

Last November, when I was offered a new job, I decided to ask my boss out for “coffee” (I don’t drink coffee) to discuss the situation. I wanted to give him a heads up of what was going on, as well as ask his opinion on what I should do. I felt like he was a mentor, as well as a boss, and his opinion was (still is) highly important to me.

Of course… he thought I shouldn’t take it, that I would hate it, and it would ruin my career. Oh well. You’ll have that.

Anyway, we started to discuss my performance in the office. He had a lot of very nice things to say about me, but did mention one thing that bothered him – that I didn’t seem to be doing much research on my own about our profession outside of the office. That I wasn’t reading the trade magazines or coming up to him saying, “Did you read about that project at such and such location? What did you think about the glazing system they used? Blah blah blah.”

He was/is right. I’ve received an issue of Architectural Record every month since I’ve graduated. I never finish reading an issue. Sometimes, I don’t even open it! And I feel kind of guilty. And I feel kind of… not guilty.

I was so burned out at that job that I didn’t feel like devoting any extra time to personal, self-enriching career-related research. I often worked through my lunch break so that I would only have to work an 9-hour day. The last thing I wanted to do was spend what little free time I had thinking about work-related topics.

I kind of asked him when he expected me to be doing this research… because if he wanted me to sit around at work looking at trade magazines and websites, I would be more than happy to. But that wasn’t the case. I explained to him that I got home around 7:30 each night, ate dinner, exercised then went to bed. And yes, I do spend almost 3 hours on the train, but a lot of the time I am sleeping, because I only get 6 hours of sleep a night. So… wah. Wah wah wah.

I didn’t say it to him, but the thing is, I don’t want my career to define who I am. I want it to be a part of me, and I want to discuss it with people, and I want to love what I do (which I DO), but I don’t want to be… THAT architect. The one who lives for architecture. The one who devotes ALL OF THEIR TIME to being an architect. That’s just not me. I have too many other interests in my life that I want to devote my time to: travel, running, bowling, volunteering, restoring the Datsun (are you reading, Steven?), spending time with family and friends… you get the idea.

The funny thing is, now that I have a new job, and don’t feel so overwhelmed all the time, I think I COULD find time to read those trade magazines. And maybe I will.

Comments (34)

By kilax, December 7, 2008 9:57 pm

So, what is the big decision I’ve alluded to a few times that had me all stressed out and feeling guilty?

I’m starting a new job tomorrow.

Yeah, it’s not really a big deal to start a new job. Because usually, when you start a new job, you were looking for one, or you hated your boss, or you were bored to death.

But I didn’t have any of that. I was happy at work, but this opportunity fell into my lap, and I had to ask myself “Would I regret not taking this job in a few months?” The answer was yes.

It took me a long time to make the decision though. It wasn’t as easy as following my gut. I wasn’t used to putting that much thought into a decision.

The decision-making process really stressed me out, especially since I talked to my bosses about it first, who I think were somewhat shocked. Then… I was at work for another three to four weeks while I waited to get clearance for the new job.

So, this last month has kind of been hell. I’ve just felt so guilty about making the decision to try something new… and to leave a firm I really care about.

And some people weren’t so nice to me about it. But that’s okay. A lot of other people were really supportive, and I appreciate that. You all know who you are – thank you.

When I was making the decision, I realized that the two most important opinions in my life are mine and my husbands. No one else is 100% considering my best interest when they give me advice. Even Steven probably isn’t from time to time.

I don’t say that to put down the other people that are close to me in my life. I am just trying to say that the only person’s approval I look for, if anyone’s, beside my own, is my husband’s. I want him to be proud of me, and back the decisions I make. He was very supportive throughout the whole process, and that made me feel so much better.

Sometimes, we live our lives for someone else’s approval. We are always trying to please other people. It’s important to think about whose approval you really want. I realized that I was prone to want to make decisions based on what other people would approve of. I had to make the decision that was best for me, and it was hard. It made me feel awful.

Anyway. Tomorrow is my first day. I am excited to start something new!

Comments (20)

By kilax, November 30, 2008 10:24 pm

Unfortunately, yes.

Unfortunately, no.

I am really embarrassed that I am bad at painting. And that I hate it so much. I mean, I am an architecture major. Shouldn’t I be good at these “home improvement” sort of things?

I just like to think this means I am better at telling people where and how to paint, than actually doing it myself. Ha!

Okay, I’m not really good at that either. I am not an Interior Designer, after all.

I really love the way the paint is turning out. We painted our bedroom a dark greenish/brownish/gray – Valspar’s Seine. We have an accent wall behind the bed that is even darker – Valspar’s Italian Leather. That is the color we painted the bathroom today – the Italian Leather. I LOVE dark rooms, so I am super excited about this.

Seine and Italian Leather. They look nothing like this in real life.

But why no photos? Because the bathroom isn’t finished, and because we have no bed (just mattress and frame) and the ugliest bedroom furniture you have ever seen. So I estimate you’ll see a photo of the bedroom in about… 6 months, and a photo of the bathroom… maybe later this week.

On Friday we hung out and spent the night with my friend Alejandra and her husband Sony in Des Moines. She is the other bridesmaid of mine that I have not seen in over a year! AHH!

Anyway, we obviously had a great time and I really, really wish we could see them more. We both do. They are a unique couple – she’s from Puerto Rico, and he is Chinese, but from Venezuela… they are fun to be around. We have a lot in common, but they have a different perspective on some things.

Yes, this has a point. They moved into a new-to-them townhome in July and I could tell they put a lot of thought and hard work into decorating it and making it homey. They were talking about the last time they saw our place and that we didn’t even have a dining room table. Ha! Steven and I have done so much work together on our home since the wedding, it really feels homey, like it is “ours” now (instead of just his). It was fun to talk about all the work we have done with them because they could relate and… I could tell they were actually listening (another reason I like them!).

It’s amazing to see your home come together. Because, unless you are rich… you can’t really afford to get everything/do everything you want all at once. But maybe I wouldn’t even prefer it that way. I like that we have made it what it is. Even if I haven’t loved every minute of it!

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By kilax, October 28, 2008 1:07 pm

While reviewing my senior portfolio, one of my college professors (a mentor, really) advised me not to go into a specialized field when making my “first job out of college” decision. He explained that he worked for a firm in Chicago known for designing skyscrapers. After he left that firm, every other place he worked for wanted him to design skyscrapers – even if other projects were going on in the office.

I was walking to work yesterday thinking about this. I passed a building that is being renovated – they are tearing down the exterior to install new offices.

Seeing that made me think about the fact that all I do is interior build-outs. We don’t do any “ground-up” construction. I am only getting experience in… a somewhat specialized field. I wonder if I should be trying to learn other things.

I wonder if I should take my professor’s advice.

I should just be cautious.

I love what I do and really like the people I work with. I just think about these things… from time to time.

Comments (18)

By kilax, June 30, 2008 5:45 am

I love seeing the inside of someone else’s house for the first time. I like to see what color their walls are painted, if they have any artwork or plants, what their furniture is like, if they have a library… how organized their house is, and so on…

Is this an “architect-thing” or a human curiosity thing? Do you notice anything in particular when you visit someone else’s house for the first time?

Comments (6)

By kilax, June 5, 2008 5:55 am

I hate it when I plan on attending something, or even make an appointment to attend something, and don’t feel like going to it at the last minute. That happened a lot in college. I would plan on attending a guest lecture or something, then decide I’d rather stay at home and have dinner, work, relax, eat, whatever (of course, I still went to Michael Moore, Barack Obama, Morgan Spurlock and Steven Holl’s lectures).

Lately it’s been these townhome association meetings. Well, there have only been two of them, but they are at 7:00 pm, require me leaving work at 5:00, and eat up more of my night then I’d like. But hey, if we’re going to bitch and moan about what’s going on in our neighborhood, we better make an appearance at the meetings, and become involved, right?

Anyway, I told one of our reps I would go out to lunch with her today. This will probably be good for me to learn to be social and interact with other people in the industry, but when I woke up today… I just didn’t feel like it. I think I’d rather sit at my desk and sleep eat. Or stay at home and sleep. Or something like that.

I’m sure by lunch time I’ll feel like doing it. But right now, I just feel BLAH.