Comments (18)

By kilax, May 4, 2009 5:56 am

Everyone in my office has a Blackberry. I think it is a great tool, when used correctly. I especially like using the calendar in it, as well as previewing emails before I get into the office. I was really excited when I got mine, back in December.

That was before I really had any use for it.

Now it just serves as a constant reminder of how many “unread” emails I have (I read them and mark them as unread if there is something I need to act on) and how much work I have to do.

Yesterday I looked at my Blackberry and started saying, “shit shit shit.” My mom was there and of course, wanted to know what I was “shit shit shitting” about. Just work stuff mom…

I am in an all day business training every day this week. I need this training to get a certification in my office, so it is really important that I attend. And I am honestly looking forward at being away from my desk all week.

But… that doesn’t mean my regular job is going to do itself while I am out all week! I was “shit shit shitting” about the emails I received this weekend. They were all regarding things that have to be taken care of this morning, which means I had to get up extra early, to make it into the office at 7:00, before my 8:30 training starts, to get these things done… blah blah blah.

I stressed out about all of this for an hour or so yesterday, then told myself – just get done what you can. I am someone who likes to have everything completed and have a clean slate to start the day. That’s just not possible anymore.

Even though I know that though, I still try.

On a related note, I am going to be super busy this week and probably won’t be reading blogs on my lunch break like I normally am. So… the 700+ unread blog entries in my reader is just going to keep growing! I am sorry I’ve been MIA! I’ll get there! You might just be seeing a ton of comments at once from me!

Comments (15)

By kilax, April 13, 2009 6:01 pm

I am ridiculously overwhelmed at work. The details don’t matter. Just imagine being super busy all day long and never catching up, even though you are trying SO HARD to do so. You’ve probably experienced what I am talking about.

It’s going to be like this for awhile. I’m really trying to fight the anxiety and stress it’s causing me.

Even though the day wasn’t great, I still left the office feeling good. I was able to come up with a list of things I am grateful for, and that cheered me up:

1. My supportive husband: I called Steven around 8:30 am because I needed to share my stress. He gave me good advice, “You can only take it one day at a time.” That’s what I needed to hear. I am going to break it down even more. I can only take it one hour at a time. Even though the hours are flying by… Later he wrote me a very encouraging email, telling me he knew I could do it, and to break my workload down into tasks, and to modify my “personal work system” to accommodate the changes at work. What a sweetie.
2. My awesome coach: I have a coach at work who oversees my work and guides me. We work on all of our projects together and get along wonderfully. I am more and more grateful everyday to be working with such an awesome teammate.
3. After raining all day, it stopped during my walk to the train station this evening.
4. Fencing class: I am going to be releasing some frustration tonight. Sorry, classmates. But it’s gonna feel good.

Comments (16)

By kilax, April 9, 2009 5:17 am

Update on yesterday’s post: I realized that it was impossible for me to have a quiet day on a work day. In fact, I realized that being so busy at work is probably fueling a lot of my over-thinking and maybe a bit of anxiety. Today’s post is kind of related.

I decided my quiet day will have to be tomorrow (I have the day off) or this weekend. We have some fun activities planned – Farmers Market, baking cookies, running, maybe bowling – I should be able to find relaxation and calm!

I was trying to explain to Steven the other day that I think my new* job has made me more “vocal.” That’s not exactly the right word, but I’ll explain.

I am in more of a project manager position now. It’s not my title, but it’s what I do. I’ve been finding that I need to speak up a lot more lately, to keep things in the best interest for my company and our clients.

But I’ve found some side effects to my “vocality,” and I am not sure if they are positive or negative.

At work, I’ve been a bit short with a couple of people. I don’t want to go into much detail about that, but I feel like I should be nicer, and give people the benefit of the doubt… even when I feel like they really, REALLY have not earned it.

At home, I’ve been more “direct” when dealing with companies. I let the Nissan Customer Service department know exactly** what I thought of their service on Saturday. I told the Sun-Times I was canceling my subscription because they couldn’t get their act together. I argued with the dentist about why my bills are coming to my home in MY HUSBAND’S NAME when we don’t share insurance.

On the plus side, I feel good saying what I want to say and not playing any games. But I know I am coming off as a bitch***. And I don’t want to be the bitchy demanding customer, because Steven works with customers like that most days, and I see what it does to him.

But here’s the thing. I don’t want to waste any time. I feel more and more pressed for time EVERY day. I am struggling with it so much right now, and I think that has a lot to do with what I wrote about yesterday. So if I can cut through a lot of bullcrap by being direct and honest, why not do it?

I just need to sound sweet and nice. And – make it clear that I don’t want to be rude, impolite, or nasty. I just want to be direct and honest, and get to the point.

As a side note, there are a few personal relationships I have, where I wish I could be this direct and honest. Instead of playing their games.

I am really honest with my parents (and my husband, of course). I think about that a lot. They get the 100% version of me. Nothing’s fake. I tell it like I see it to them. I think I am too honest sometimes. But in my most important relationships, why not show myself exactly as I am? What would be the point of doing otherwise? Facades are too much upkeep and stress.

*Can I still call it new if I’ve been working there since 12/8/08?
**Yes, it felt good to tell them I went and bought an Infiniti after I left their showroom and crappy offer behind.
***Steven cofirmed this.

Comments (19)

By kilax, April 2, 2009 6:32 am

It’s happening again. When I walk past Ann Taylor** on my way to work, when I read InStyle, when I run an errand at Sears during lunch… I am noticing dresses and find myself wanting to try them on!

I finally did go to White House | Black Market in November to check out that dress I had been eying. I was with my mom and grandma, and we were at Water Tower Place in Chicago. We went in to the store and I feel in love with every dress, but tried nothing on. I didn’t need one. I just wanted one!

Of course, my mom didn’t understand this, so for the rest of the shopping trip, she kept pointing out dresses to me, then bought me a very pretty one for Christmas. Love my mom.

So, now it’s happening again. I see dresses I want to try on. I usually resist the urge for two reasons – I have no need for a new dress, and I have very muscular legs… that don’t always look so great in a dress. Plus, I do have some cute dresses at home already (example one and two)! They may be too big for me now, but I should at least try them on before I go shopping.

Or maybe I should just say “what the hell” and try some new dresses on anyway. It can’t hurt. And there’s that wedding we’re going to in July…

Here’s a small sample of some of the dresses catching my eye now:

Hey, does that one in the middle remind you of Miranda’s dress from the Sex in the City movie?

I really love black dresses and also ones with big floral prints!

*Day dreaming only. My actual dreams last night were about a client. I won’t go into details, but if I am up and can’t sleep because I am dreaming about a client… that’s not a good sign.
**Someone, please explain the difference between Ann Taylor and Ann Taylor LOFT. Diane…?

Comments (11)

By kilax, March 19, 2009 6:03 pm

Yesterday was my First Quarterly Panel review (the event for which I was writing the dreaded report).

Guess what? I ended up dreading the review in the same way I dreaded writing the panel report. I don’t get nervous about presenting things or talking to people, but this was just something I wasn’t looking forward to. A lot of emphasis is put on the importance of the presentation, so I was under a lot of stress and pressure, along with my other HUGE work load.

But, it went extremely well. I presented to 7 people, talked about what I’ve been doing and learning for the last three months, for about 2o-25 minutes, then they asked me a series of questions.

You know what? I actually enjoyed being up there, talking to everyone about my projects, and what I like about working for the company. One member of the audience asked me if there was anything I dislike and would like changed, and I honestly could not think of one thing*.

Everyone told me I did a great job, and one person told me he liked how energetic I am. My team leader stopped at my desk after the presentation (I got to my desk first, because they sit in the conference room after you leave to talk about you!) and told me I made her feel “very proud.”

I think I’ll actually look forward to my next panel report – that was a pretty good day.

But work’s still kicking my ass.

Do you have to do presentations at your office? Do you dread them or love to share with other people? I wonder if part of me is just craving some human interaction. I’ve been buzzing off of it lately.

*Oh sure, I have daily gripes and can bitch and cuss, but that would be at ANY job. I love my company and the way it’s set up.

Comments (14)

By kilax, March 17, 2009 6:54 am

Do you ever have a strong urge to call a friend and let all of your emotions and frustrations out, but you hold back, because you don’t want to burden/bother them?

What is with the filter?

I had a day yesterday, that, let’s just say, didn’t make my sour weekend mood go away. Let’s just say it built on it. There’s a lot going at work. It’s nothing bad that reflects on me individually, but something that affects my organization. It was enough to stress me out after I left work and make me have dreams about it last night.

I needed to call someone last night and talk about it. I used to always call my mom first. She has always been my #1 go-to person, and probably always will be. She’s a great listener, and always gives me the reaction I need.

But she’s not always available. She has important daily commitments. And I don’t want to bother her when she’s busy. And quite honestly, I am selfish, and I don’t feel like I get the attention I need when she’s busy (makes sense – she’s busy).

So last night, I had the urge to call a friend first. Someone who is also a good listener. Someone who can relate.

But, I didn’t. I didn’t want to burden her with my work stress, when she already has her work stress.

Thinking about it now, that’s bull-crap. Our relationship is not set up on the premise that we both have perfectly wonderful lives with no stress. Yeah, we’re both generally happy and know we have a lot to be grateful for, but what’s to say I can’t call her and just let her know how stressed I am at the moment?

I believe it’s fine to say I am stressed out about my job right now, without having to justify it with “I am grateful to have a job.” OF COURSE I am. But for the moment, I let that hold me back.

I believe my friend and I are both the nurturing type. We have the tendency to listen a lot to other people’s problems first, before we share ours. It’s not that we don’t share them, just that we don’t prioritize them all the time. We maybe sit on them. I sometimes do, anyway.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. I’ve had strong urges to reach out and call her other times. Once, when I was having some food related issues. I just needed to talk to someone who understood. But still, I held back.

If I am lucky enough to have this wonderful, understanding friend that I can relate to, and who is also a great listener, why don’t I let myself be 100% MYSELF to her?

Comments (14)

By kilax, March 9, 2009 5:43 am

It seems like every weekend, without fail, there is some item on my to do list I am absolutely dreading. Every fiber in my body resists my completion of the item. Just thinking about doing it makes me feel upset.

It usually isn’t house chores. Yeah, I put those off, but I don’t dread them. I just would rather do something else!

And it isn’t the long runs. I look forward to those long weekend runs, where I can just have some time to myself and focus on my run. Yesterday was my first 7-miler – fun!

This weekend, it was my panel report for work. Today marks my three-month date at my new job. It’s hard to believe the time has passed so quickly!

I was placed in a trainee program when I got this new job, based on my recent graduation (2007) and experience outside of work. As part of the program, I am required to write a panel report and give a presentation of my work quarterly in my first year, and semi-annually in my second year.

My supervisor places high importance on the panel report, and has given me time to work on it while at work. But so far, I haven’t been able to get much done on it there. It’s strange to me – I love to write, and I’ve pulled together all of the facts I need! I just couldn’t concentrate very well on writing something long the last few days.

So I brought it home, even though I didn’t need to. And I put it off, until about 8 pm on Sunday night. But, I did finally work on it and get the bulk of it done. Now I just to need edit it at work.

It’s funny. I always dread these tasks, but feel so much better when they’re close to done!

What have you been dreading on your to do list?

Comments (13)

By kilax, February 9, 2009 12:44 pm

Somehow, I managed to forget that the appointment I made to get a new government ID this morning requires my photo being taken. If I would have remembered, I would have spent a little more time getting ready this morning.

What a great start to the week.

On the bright side though, I walked by a Crêpe restaurant on my way to get the new ID. Just knowing my office is that close to a Crêpe restaurant makes me happy. Strange – but I’ll take it.

Yum, crêpes. I think I’ve only ever had two – one in Paris, and one in Copenhagen. The one in Copenhagen was huge, filled with hot nutella oozing out of the edges, and folded into a big, chewy triangle. I’m going to spend the rest of the day fantasizing about that.

Update: I just found out I am getting introduced to 300+ people today at our “Town Hall Meeting.” Yay, the day just gets better!

Comments (10)

By kilax, February 5, 2009 5:37 pm

It felt good today, to meet a friend in a similar profession for lunch, and tell her exactly what I do in my new job, and how much I like it. I told her passionately, without hesitation – something I haven’t been doing much of lately.

A lot of people have preconceived thoughts in their head about what it means to work for the federal government. A lot of people also have preconceived thoughts in their head about what I should be doing with my architecture degree.

Please stop judging me. Please let me be. I think I will figure this out on my own.

I hate that I feel afraid to talk about my job, because of other people’s judgment. I’m sorry I’m not being more specific – I think that would be inappropriate. Let me just say, I thank you all for the support you’ve given me.

Comments (16)

By kilax, January 22, 2009 5:55 pm

For a few weeks in December, I worked in the same building as Barack Obama. The office I work for was actually in charge of his transition! Of course, I wasn’t one of the lucky people that got to meet him (My mom kept saying to me, “If you run into him, tell him I said hi!” To which I responded, “Mom. You voted Republican.” Her response: “That’s okay! Tell him hello anyway!” Ha.).

Today we were allowed to tour his transition office. I felt kind of dorky going up there, but knew I would regret it if I didn’t.

His office layout is very similar to the layout of the floor I work on. Actually, the only difference is the color of the chairs and columns, and a few different office configurations. It was exciting though, to know which office was Obama’s, his wife’s, Biden’s, Jarrett’s, Emanuel’s, etc.

I’m not sure if this guy is moving in now or what. I think that most of the excitement is in the past now though.

Me at Obama’s old desk

Obama’s conference room

Obama’s private bathroom… built just for him!