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By kilax, December 5, 2017 6:23 am

Have you seen this (short) Brené Brown video about empathy versus sympathy?

A coworker shared it earlier in the year, and I’ve thought about it often since. The gist of the video is that empathy fuels connection with someone, and sympathy drives disconnection. Empathy is taking someone else’s perspective, not being judgmental, recognizing emotion in the other person, then communicating it.

Empathy is NOT finding a solution, or silver lining, or saying “at least fill in the blank!” when someone tells you about a situation they are struggling with. It’s not coming up with the perfect thing to say, it’s connecting with someone when they’re in pain.

The part of this video I think about the most is the note of saying “at least this” as not being empathetic, because we ALL do it. I do it! It’s natural! We immediately think “wow, it could have been worse if this!” Or, “at least not everything was affected.” And we often express that thought.

But people who are expressing pain about something are already living that pain, and don’t want to hear theories about how it could have been better or worse. They just want to be heard.

In the same vein, a friend shared this article (pdf here), giving suggestions on how to comfort friends suffering with the holiday blues. It has four points, and the second one, you guessed it, is about empathy, and how we tend to empathize with someone by mentioning something similar we’ve encountered.

Sociologists call this conversational narcissism: that moment when we shift the conversation to put ourselves in the spotlight. Odds are you don’t actually know how they feel. Even if you do, you should focus on their experience, not yours.

“When you’re faced with tragedy,” writer Tim Lawrence notes, “the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. Literally say the words: I acknowledge your pain. I’m here with you.”

That is basically the same conclusion the video came to – acknowledge what you’re hearing, let them know you are glad they told you, and don’t come up with a solution or suggestion, and especially, don’t “at least” them or make it about yourself.

It’s definitely something I am working on!

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By kilax, December 4, 2017 6:23 am

December is off to a busy start, like I thought it would be. And, it’s of my own doing, like I thought it would be!

On Saturday I ran, then immediately went to teach fitness boxing. I did NOT go to the Bath & Body Works annual candle sale like last year. I remembered how stressful it was, so I decided to order online instead. But you can’t stack coupons online, and you had to use a code to lower the candle price, which meant I couldn’t use my 20% off as well. I took that as a sign that I did NOT need to stock up on candles. Ha ha. My snis did pick me up one candle when she went. Can’t wait to see what scent she got me! Thanks, snis!

After fitness boxing, Steven and I got to work on the yard. We’ve had very few non-rainy weekends in November, so we hadn’t taken care of the leaf situation. And it was quite the situation.

Leaves from a small area of the yard

Three hours later, after using the leaf blower, mower, and rakes and tarps to move the leaves, our pile was done.

We won’t do a pile that big again. It’s too much to burn at once.

I took a one hour nap (!!!) after raking, then we were off to the holiday party at the studio where I teach. I wore the new festive sweater I got for the year (and plan on wearing to every holiday themed get together, ha).

Those are NOT the pants I planned on wearing with that sweater. I had on a different pair I could wear boots with, but the thigh rub area split when I was bending over before leaving the house. That made me feel great!!! Not. (I’ve had them a few years and they were worn out, but it was discouraging, ha ha.)

After the party we went out with Jen, Troy, and Declan for a bit!

On Sunday, Steven left early to help a friend, and I went on a run, then did errands (six stores, eek!).

My brother-in-law and I have an ongoing joke that we are buying each other all Porg-related things for Christmas. But is it a joke…?!?!

Steven and I got home around the same time, ate a quick lunch then started to burn the leaf pile.

Pretty (mostly) leaf-free yard!

We spent three hours burning the pile before we started spraying it down. Most of the first half of that time was burn control, but once the pile was about two-thirds its original size, we pulled up some chairs and chilled a bit.

I really wanted to be lazy the rest of the night, but I had it in my head that WE HAD to take a holiday photo this weekend. It was stressing me a bit. Last year was the first year we did one (this photo, also taken this weekend), so I guess I thought people would be expecting one again? Logic tells me that no one would be upset if they did not get a holiday card from me, but year after year, I have an acquaintance from college ask me WHY they do not get my holiday card (year after year, it was “we don’t send one,” until we did one, and I wasn’t going to send one after all that weirdness, ha).

Anyway, I like taking the card and sending it! We just didn’t make it a priority, so I put the stress on myself.

So after burning the pile, we (kind of) finished decorating the tree. We put the skirt out (fingers crossed Data doesn’t ruin it) and put the balls on – the tree still doesn’t have other ornaments on it. Then we tried to cat wrangle.

Fun times.

After the photo sesh, Data and Khali couldn’t get enough of being under the tree. Typical.

Khali actually slept there for a few hours last night!

Then dinner, more chores (and work for Steven – he had to work a bit this weekend), finishing my training post, and bed! And I still need to select a design and order the holiday cards!

I could easily cut out the exercise to gain back more time in my weekends, but it keeps me saner through the rest of the day. I bet my workouts will get shorter and shorter as the month goes on though!

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By kilax, December 1, 2017 6:48 am

One of my first thoughts when I woke up today was “this month is going to FLY by!” We have something going on every weekend, and many weekdays. Wheeee!

So today’s quote is perfect for the first day of December. It’s a good reminder that it’s up to us to do what we value with our time! (That’s how I interpreted it. I am not a LOTR fan so I don’t know what it’s actually about. Ha!)

Here’s what I am excited about this month (per usual, list is in mostly chronological order)!

• Seeing Lindsey Stirling in concert! I’ve been a fan for a few years now and really want to see her dancing violin player shtick.
• Going to the dentist (I LOVE having my teeth cleaned).
• Completing refinancing our house.
• My annual December trip to Dallas to see Gina, Steve, and Luca!
• Running a holiday themed 5K (maybe!).
• Seeing Star Wars: The Last Jedi.
• Treating myself to a massage before hosting Steven’s dad and brother for Christmas (maybe I should have one after, too?! Ha.)
• Celebrating Steven’s birthday!!!
• Teaching three fitness boxing classes. I am especially excited for the December 23rd “Merry Fitness Boxing” class!
• Hosting Steven’s dad and brother for Christmas.
• Lighting the “campfire donut” candle. For whatever reason, I’ve been saving it for this month!
• Continuing getting in 5K shape! I have a long road ahead of me (I might be in 5K shape for a race in April) but I am enjoying the process of hill and speed work each week, and of eating less and losing weight.
• A quiet New Year’s Eve at home with Steven?!?!

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By kilax, November 30, 2017 6:20 am

• Is anyone else listening to Sia’s new album, Everyday is Christmas? I downloaded it a couple of weeks ago (thanks to a recommendation from a Facebook friend, Susan) and have been listening to it on repeat! Yay, new Christmas music!

• On Tuesday Facebook changed the size of group page cover images, making all existing images cropped. I was annoyed, but figured I’d just reformat them. I changed the images to the two pages I administer to the new size, but every time I uploaded them (at the right size), Facebook zoomed in on them, essentially cropping them, again. I tried a few more times and eventually just padded the images so that you could see the content. What a sloppy annoying mess.
• The honeymoon period has worn off with my work detail. I still like the work itself significantly more than my last position, but some of the typical office bs that I was able to deal with better at the beginning of the detail is starting to get to me now. I’m not surprised. Just tired.
• My mom is doing the Holiday Mile Challenge with me and is kicking butt at walking her mile each day. I’m proud of you, Mom!
• Here’s the watch face I am rocking right meow! (The snowflakes “fall” in the background!) Notice – no visible step count, ha ha ha.

Link to Random Thoughts Thursday 156

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By kilax, November 29, 2017 6:43 pm

It’s a Thanksgiving tradition to forget the cranberries, isn’t it? That’s not just us?! Poor neglected can(s).

This year I actually remembered, and quite early in the day! Woo hoo!

But I forgot the most basic thing – asking everyone at the dinner table to say what they are grateful for. D’oh! I had even thought about my list and had it prepared (in my head)! Let’s blame me forgetting to ask everyone on that pesky bloody nose that caused me to miss the end of the meal. Grr, that made me a bit out of sorts.

So, here’s my list (I didn’t list the obvious: friends, family (including fur babies), a job, a home, food to eat, etc.):

• I’m grateful for everything my husband does to take care of our home, finances, cars, etc. Steven does so much and is a true visionary. I am not wired that way! But we complement one another.

Steven’s been chopping firewood from our own trees!

• I’m grateful for the opportunity to do something different at work and rediscover passion for work! What a surprise!
• I’m grateful the cop that pulled me over for speeding on the way to the train that Wednesday morning didn’t give me a ticket. I totally would have deserved it! Oops!

What was on your list?

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By kilax, November 24, 2017 3:07 pm

Thanksgiving was lovely!

I mean, how could it not be, with all those rolls?! Fifty rolls for ten people… we got that ratio right!

I was anxious about getting the house set up for hosting, but I kept reminding myself that our friends coming over had seen our house at its messiest during our August 2016 construction project, so anything’s an improvement over that! Ha.

And, really, friends don’t care about stuff like that. Especially on Thanksgiving – when it’s all about togetherness and FOOOOOOOOOD. But I still get in my head sometimes.

Anyway! I was really happy with how the set-up turned out! We rearranged our living space to put the dining table in there (there’s no way ten people would fit in our dining room).

And we still had open circulation on the first floor so the kids could run circles! <— priorities! I got out my old toys out for the kids to play with, and it was fun to see the toys being used and enjoyed.

The food turned out great! On the menu was tofurky roasts and veggies, mashed potatoes, dressing, GBC (green bean casserole), sweet potato casserole, cranberries, and rolls. Our guests brought a turkey, wine, brownies, and pies. (We had the last two items, and ice cream and vegan cheesecake for dessert).

And apps, of course.

Steven did all the planning and cooking, and I did the sous-chefing

NOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMZ

We ate lunch just before 2:00 pm. We like to have the big meal earlier in the day so that we can eat Thanksgiving leftovers for dinner! Yaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssss.

The only bad thing that happened was I got the nosebleed from hell and missed about twenty minutes of conversation. And the weird thing about the nosebleed is I got it immediately after talking about the character Eleven, from Stranger Things – who gets a nosebleed on the show whenever she uses her powers! (No, I didn’t move anything telepathically before I got the nosebleed, ha!). Annoying.

After the meal, the adults visited (while the kids played), then we all had dessert, then took family photos outside (I wish I would have gotten a photo of me and Steven!), then the kids ran around, then we came back in for a fire and more chatting. Data hung around the whole time (and particularly enjoyed swatting at the youngest kid while they ran around the first floor). Khali hid under the bed the whole time, but was super sweet after everyone left. Snow hung around the house and appreciated the turkey!

It was such an enjoyable day! I’m grateful we have these friends in our lives. I think it’s a special thing when one couple hits it off so well with another couple. And then especially when you introduce your friends to each other and they hit it off, too (the husbands had met before, during said August 2016 construction project, but not the wives).

At the end of the day, our guests helped us clean up and rearrange the living room back to its original state – gotta make room for our Christmas tree!!!

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By kilax, November 22, 2017 12:21 pm

Every year, I get questions about why we don’t see our families for Thanksgiving. Every year, I say the same thing – my husband owns a small business and runs major sales Friday-Monday. We stay close to home (both of our families are out of state) so he can go to the warehouse and work. It’s a nutso weekend for him.

(And the truth is, I am fine with staying home for this holiday.)

I’m getting even more questions this year, because I am on a new team at work, and people don’t know my story (and would probably forget anyway, which is fine). The questions don’t bother me, but some people do ask rather bluntly “Why don’t you see your family?”

So. A reminder: the holidays are hard for some people! If you feel the need to ask them about their family relationships, be gentle about it! And if you don’t know them well, maybe don’t go there? Ha ha. (Again, it doesn’t bother me, just made me think about this!)

This is the first year in a while that we are hosting Friendsgiving! We are hosting two families. Tonight we are going to rearrange the house to fit everyone. I am anxious to see how it all turns out, and excited about visiting AND EATING!!!! with everyone tomorrow.

Old photo, but accurate representation of what I plan to do tomorrow

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By kilax, November 16, 2017 6:15 am

• Gah, it’s hard to believe all of the holiday celebrations start so soon! Who else has something going on every week until the end of the year?
• Speaking of holiday celebrations, remember when I said I hate looking for restaurants? Guess who got voluntold to plan a party for thirty-five people? SO not happy about that. Especially that I have to get all the options together by end of the day tomorrow. And was just told to do it yesterday.
• When Mom and I were at NeoCon, we didn’t have time to see everything, so we only went to showrooms I needed to visit for work, and showrooms with awesome giveaways (ha). Mom insisted on going in to one that didn’t interest me, but then came out with this lunch bag and I decided to get one too. And… I freaking love it. It’s the only lunch bag I’ve ever had that fits all my food in it. So, thank you, Mom, for going in to that small showroom I said “no” to. Ha ha.

• Blah. Garmin Connect changed the “last 12 months” display from a line chart showing number of activities to a bar chart showing overall mileage by activity and me no likely. I referenced the line chart often to compare the amount of my current month’s activities to the previous month’s (I used it as motivation!). I can’t see that information anymore, since it’s in miles. And swimming basically disappears!

Before

After

• Ha ha ha, look what found its way back to my house! The MBP Bracelet went back and forth between mom and Christina, and then came my way. I was NOT surprised to see it in this package. Heh, package. (Isn’t that an adorable cat bed it’s resting on though?!)

Link to Random Thoughts Thursday 155

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By kilax, November 14, 2017 8:56 pm

I was at the salon getting my eyebrows waxed and sat in the beautician’s chair after so she could show me some eyebrow makeup.

But first:

What kind of foundation do you use?

I don’t use any.

Oh! What kind of moisturizer do you use then?

Uh… none.

Do you use a lotion?

Um, not really.

What do you use to wash your face?

Sometimes soap, in the shower (but not that often).

So yeah, probably not the best audience for that $78 bottle of moisturizer (even though it felt amazing). But I would like to try something new for my brows!

Similar to Monday’s sentiment, there are probably a whole lot of things I could be doing to take better care of myself. Eek!

I have been eating healthier. Yay! As a result, I have more energy (duh). But I also have a lot of work to do before some of my clothes fit again, and until I can run faster. I’ll get there. (But will I stay there? Muah ha ha. Ugh.)

Mentioning my diet reminds me of a conversation with a coworker. We were talking on the phone around lunch time and both of us were finishing up our meals. I told her I was having a peanut butter cup. She goes “I bet it’s some healthy, organic peanut butter cup!” It’s hilarious to me that people assume I eat über healthy because I am vegan.

It’s also hilarious to me that this brand of peanut butter cups actually is organic. That’s not something I shop for!

Speaking of work, I had more dreams last night about missing the train, then not being able to figure out the train schedule so that I could get on a later train to work (then somehow I ended up in a wedding dress). Is this better or worse than the dream I woke up to Monday, about a fatality I witnessed at an amusement park?

Ahh, commuting. Today’s train was late, and it was raining a bit. Whenever I commute to the office in rain/snow/bad weather, I think about a coworker who doesn’t come in anymore and how they often contact the people who do come in on days like this to say things like “the weather is so crappy this morning!” and “how was the commute?!” Annoying. And unnecessary.

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By kilax, November 14, 2017 6:21 am

Two days.

Sigh.

Two days – that is all I lasted from buying something for Steven for his stocking, to giving it to him. (Note: it’s not Christmas morning ha.)

Ugh. And I thought I was trying so hard. I really wasn’t, leaving it on my desk and thinking about it each time I saw it.

Everything I buy from now on goes in to the guest bedroom – out of sight, out of mind!

The item (it’s an inside joke for a couple of reasons)

At least I was able to wait to post this – I actually wrote it yesterday! Woo hoo! Baby steps.