Finding something useful to do
I’ve been in Iowa since late Monday afternoon now. My grandfather’s wake was Monday afternoon, and the funeral was on Tuesday. Originally, I had two presentations to give at work on Monday, and was going to leave Monday after work, and miss the wake. But when I was walking to work Monday morning, I thought “What is wrong with me?!” How could I choose to miss my grandfather’s wake? For work? I am still upset that I missed my uncle’s funeral, because I was living in Rome. Surely, I couldn’t let two presentations and 5 hours of driving keep me away.
So I talked to my boss, who was very cool about it, and took off. We just beat an awful winter storm and made it to Iowa as the wake was beginning.
But that is not the point of this post.
It’s Thursday. I have been here since Monday and I have been feeling somewhat useless and restless. I am not sure how I am supposed to act, or what I am supposed to say. I am not sure how to be comforting.
I feel very out of sorts.
But I did feel better this morning when Steven and I were able to do something useful – help my grandma make a spreadsheet to keep track of the flowers and money she received.
I guess that is why they say that keeping yourself busy helps deal with grief. The fact that we were actually doing something productive made me feel much better about being here. I kind of just felt… “not needed” before.
Themocracy
Stay strong, Kim. I’m thinking about you. You made the right decision to go to the wake– that would be a horrible thing to regret missing.
Thank you Anna 🙂 I feel so happy that I went. It gave me a chance to talk to a lot of family friends.
I’m so glad you got to go to your grandfather’s wake. It still makes me upset that I had to miss my grandfather’s funeral when I was in Argentina, but it did give me perspective. I don’t think I had realized how important my family was to me until then. Anyway, just glad you decided to go – and that your boss was understanding about it.
My uncle unexpectedly passed away when I was living in Rome and I was so shocked – especially at how hard it hit me. And how hard it was to be away from family then. Luckily, Steven was in Iowa that weekend and went to the funeral. I felt so awful for not being there, but family understands. Was it a shock when your grandfather passed away?
I’m glad you and Steven found something to do that made you feel productive. It must be difficult to be grieving for your grandfather somewhere that’s not really home, with time on your hands. I’m thinking of you, and I’m glad you made the decision to go to his wake.
I am so glad you found a way to be productive…I get through my worst times by organizing and cleaning. I’m glad you decided to forgo work for the wake. I can understand how hard that decision was, even though it is the right one.
I hope things get better for you soon!!
How on earth did I miss that your grandfather had passed? I’m so sorry (for your loss, not for my spaciness), Kim.
You know, sometimes you don’t have to have the right things to say. Sometimes, just your presence alone is helpful. Sometimes your knowledge of spreadsheets is helpful. And sometimes knowing you’re surrounding your parents and grandmother with loved ones is important. It’s not always words, but sometimes actions that are what’s needed.
That is what I was hoping… that being here is enough. Because I don’t know what to do!
I couldn’t agree more. When I’m feeling in a funk and then I do something with purpose, the funk fades away. Glad you were able to help your grandma and to be at the wake.
Staying productive and purposeful is essential to my sanity. When I’m restless, making a list or a plan or organizing in some other way is a surefire way to calm my nerves. It’s great that you’re there, with your family. I think it’s pretty common to feel unsure of “how to be” in these situations. Everyone feels and reacts differently. There’s like this odd mixture of sadness, relief, tentative peace. I’m glad you were able to take the time away from work. I’ve prioritized work so many times in situations and I always regret it a short while later.
I can see how having nothing to do would only make the grieving period worse and leave you with the feeling of being “in the way”. Good job on finding something to keep you occupied and show that you ARE helping by being there – physically and emotionally.
Im praying for you and your family everyday, I know it is so hard for all of you. I am glad that you found something to occupy yourself with, take care of yourself 🙂
Thank you 🙂
Its great the you skipped your presentation and went home sooner rather than later.. it would have bothered you later. I am not really good at dealing with grief either.. I can see how being productive can help you not really think about it.
You made the right decision, and I’m glad you were able to step back and do what was important to you! Keep busy and keep your chin up! I’m thinking about you, Kim.
Thanks Mica 🙂
i’m glad you got to go to the funeral, and that you’re feeling productive and needed now. ugh i got your email about missing your food habits and what not from home, i know that’s the worst! hang in there, this time is rough for you in many ways and not having your routines and familiar surroundings makes it even worse (even though you’re surrounded by your family!)
As the saying goes, you’re much more likely to regret not doing something, than doing it. I’m gonna go along with the crowd and say you made the right decision…feel better. We’re all thinking of you and sending you positive vibes ((()))
I’m glad you decided to go to the wake; work will always be there, and this won’t. I hope you feel better soon!
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Just catching up on blogs, very sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family. I’m glad you missed the storm and were able to make it out there. Take care girl *hugs*
The period after someone dies is a strange kind of limbo. Usually it seems like one or two people are working like crazy to deal with planning the service or legal matters, and everyone else is sitting around eating all the food that has been brought and watching movies. I’m not surprised you feel restless and edgy. It’s just a limbo time. And I think Nilsa is right that just being there is your main role. Knowing how you like to keep busy I’m sure it’s driving you crazy though. Maybe you can make everyone a giant salad or granola for breakfast, or organize a board game or movies, or make a CD of your grandpa’s favorite music for everybody.
That is exactly what it is like – a few people buzzing around and the rest of us (esp. me) eating and not doing much. I like your ideas to stay busy!
So glad you decided to go. When I had my first job in Brussels, and my grandmother died, my then boss convinced me it wasn’t necessary for me to travel to the funeral back home and I always regretted it afterwards… If you can be there, it is better to go. Hang in there…
I am most happy that you saw to go to your grandfather’s wake. I too have had a hearting sorrow about NOT going to my grandfather’s wake when he passed two years ago, February 13th he passed. It happened so soon, I was shellshocked…I was told to leave work because I was so upset. I could never leave or find myself to go due to feeling so obligated to be at my job….I have horrible regrets….wish I could change things …I didn’t know what to do, how to be, or how me being where they lived was going to make me feel any better…I chose to morn at home….I wish once again, I wouldn’t have……take care Kim, I am sorry at the loss of your grandfather as well dear….miss you. muah
Maybe my going makes up a bit for you not being able to go! 🙂
I hope you are doing well!
thanks for responding…enjoy chatting with you…take care of yourself and please keep in touch.
I’m glad you are there with your family and that you are able to feel productive. I think loss usually hits after the funeral is over because there is so much business to take care of and so many details to attend to in the days immediately following someone’s passing. I hope you have so grieving time with your family before you have to head back to work. Take care of yourself. You’re in my thoughts.
I’m sure just being there is enough, but I know what you mean about not knowing what to do to be useful. Keeping busy does always seem to feel better to me too.
Similarly, but different, when I am waiting for test results I always seem to paint a room or start some kind of project. I guess taking my mind off of things and helping my family think about other things is good.
When my grandma died my grandpa started some huge project and everyone was like “what the heck is he doing?” But I get it, you have to do SOMETHING and sometimes there isn’t much to do that is very useful so you make something up.
I’m thinking good thoughts for you!
I don’t think you have to do much or say anything, the fact that you are there will make all the difference in the world. It’s great to be with family and see family when everyone’s heart is aching.
You would know the situation better than me – but what about organizing a game or something? People might appreciate the distraction.
We ended up baking and cooking a lot and that made everyone feel better! Games are a great idea too. My family loves them. I forgot to bring them though!
I’m glad your work was understanding and that you were able to do what felt right without much hassle.
I understand the feeling of not knowing what to do with yourself. It’s almost like you want to be there but at the same time you want to get on with your life and grieve in your own way. At least, that’s how I tend to feel.
That is exactly how I feel/felt. I was struggling with just wanting to be left alone but not wanting to leave my family!
I completely understand- I felt the same way once I got to NJ for my grandpa’s funeral. True, there were a lot of arrangements to be made, but my family & the other relatives had already made them by the time I got there. I was completely all out of sorts — Erin said it perfectly. I think it’s a part of the grieving process.
Just being there is helping. But I know what you mean about feeling needed.