You got some ‘splaining to do!
Or not.
Do you guys follow Gretchen Rubin on Facebook? She is the author of The Happiness Project (and Happier at Home) a book Erin gave me quite a few years ago, that I really got a lot of useful information out of.
Anyways.
Rubin blogs at happiness-project.com, and shared a blog on Facebook last Friday that I REALLY related to – Why I’m Trying to Explain Less.
Rubin wrote how she often over explains things – why she was late for a meeting, why she forgot something, etc. She does it because she feels bad when these things happen, and wants to show she wasn’t really doing them on purpose. But then, she saw others over explaining – in an email, and in a meeting – and realized how dang annoying it is. The extra information was cumbersome and unnecessary.
She shared a concept that I really believe:
This behavior really annoyed me, but then I noticed the same tendency in myself. Oh my goodness, I love to explain and give facts, and to justify and defend. And, as Jung observed, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Or in less elegant but catchier terms, “You spot it, you got it.” Well, I got it!
Ha ha, I have never heard “you spot it, you got it,” but as I pointed out how some of my 100 Things were outdated the other day, I noticed a few things weren’t – like #81 – “I believe that the things you hate most about other people are the things you hate about yourself.” Yes. I believe that so much to this day, that when someone irritates me, I think, “Is this a trait I have myself and should be working on?”
I definitely over explain and give extra information that is NOT necessary*. And I bet that is annoying. The most recent example that comes to mind is when Steven and I were going to see a movie recently. We got to the theater, and the movie was no longer showing for the day. I was really frustrated, as I had looked up the times a few days before, and checked the website multiple times when I looked it up, because it was a website I don’t normally use. I was really frustrated (it didn’t help that the guy at the ticket counter offered to sell us tickets for a show that was already over) and kept explaining to Steven what happened and how “the show times must have changed.” But… I don’t think Steven really cared. And me dwelling on it was probably really annoying. We went to another theater and saw the show an hour later than planned (then I was really annoyed about wasting my own time, but that is another post) – so it all worked out.
For some reason though, I had never really connected this to my annoyance with other people over explaining, until I read Rubin’s post. Yes. I do sit in meetings where people over explain. They talk so much about something that I cannot figure out what is important for me to know. I end up leaving the meeting thinking “what was the point of that?!”
Do you over explain? Or get frustrated when people do it?
Have you heard “You spot it, you got it”? What are some of the traits that annoy you in others… that you think you also have?
I wonder if there is an extreme opposite to over explaining. Like, someone who never explains their actions. Because I bet there are times when you would want to know why the heck someone was late… or why something turned out so wrong.
*Even in this post, I have!**
**Although, that may just be a tendency to add too much detail. I know a few people who do this when telling stories, myself included. I wonder if this is part of my weird thought flow. Or just being a woman. Women tend to include more unnecessary details than men.
Themocracy
I probably don’t explain enough but I do think about what annoys me and whether I’m doing things that would annoy me. Like leaving my dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. If it would bother me if Mark did it, then I need to not do it/stop being lazy.
But I’m with you on the meetings. I get so annoyed when people read off a sheet and talk too much. Give me some credit, dude!
My husband is an over-explainer! I bet I don’t explain enough, though. 🙂
I’ve never noticed that you over-explaining! I’ve heard of that phenomenon, but I’m too egotistical to believe it. Like, people who say they like Christmas because it makes them unique…I don’t do that. But I guess it could be more general: I think I’m special for very un-special reasons and get annoyed by people who do it too. Yeah, that’s probably it.
I also read something similar–that if you are jealous of someone, instead of being annoyed, you should just try to copy their behavior and habits. That’s one I try to remember a LOT.
Phew, maybe I am not 😉
If blogging has taught me anything, it’s that there are a ton of people out there like me, and that makes me feel not-unique and not-special. But not unhappy.
I do find myself very annoyed when everyone is doing the EXACT same thing though. Like… don’t people want to try something new? I am not sure what that is.
Gosh. I will have to think about that if I ever feel jealous!
I love the happiness project!! Do you have the journal? It’s a 5 year, one sentence a night journal and its one that I actually write in every night! Go figure 😉 I actually never read the book though… I feel me it must go on my list now!
I used to over explain when we were late for things, but now that we’re always late (I swear each kid adds a half hour extra to our get out the door time!) I just stopped explaining. We show up when we show up. I guess I just hope that people are happy we’re there at all!
I really need to think about that trait thing… I’m sure there’s some there that I don’t want to admit!
I don’t! The book is very good! You may borrow my copy if you would like. It has a ton of notes in it though, obvi. I did get the journal for part of a gift exchange last year. I wonder if the person used it at all.
Ha ha ha. Just show up with kids and you don’t have to explain! 😉
On a lot of technical issues, I sometimes over explain. After I see I’ve lost my audience is when I try to generalize the answer in quicker terms.
On a happiness related topic, there is another blog I follow, run by Britt Reints
http://inpursuitofhappiness.net/
Thanks for the link! 🙂
It’s weird, but I especially notice irritating things other people do when driving and then I wonder, “Oh man, I wonder if I do that same thing!” And sometimes the answer is yes. And then I feel ashamed.
But recognizing the irritating trait is the first step to changing it about yourself, right?
Actually, I think it is the first step 😉
Now, spill.
I have a TON of drive pet peeves. And they are NOT things I do (although I know I am a bad driver).
I was over explaining to L a story about something that happened this weekend and he blurted out that I pretty much do exactly what I was complaining about. Yeah. So there’s definitely a need to be more concise. Also, this almost goes hand in hand with saying “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” for nearly everything. Most of the time you can leave those words out and still get your point across- actually much better. 🙂
LOL! Did you appreciate him pointing that out?
I often add too much detail and lose the audience at times. For some reason this happens in emails for me a lot- so many words. On a different note- how did I miss you live in Round Lake!!!! I am in Winthrop Harbor and work in Gurnee. Sometimes I have serious concerns about my powers of observation. Can we please have a blogger meet-up!!! Coffee, lunch, some form of exercise…exercise and then food. It would be so much fun!
Yes! It is very easy in email – no one there to interrupt you!
Yes! Let’s meet up!!!!
Hmm, interesting. I’m not sure if I do this or not? I think I talk too much in general so I probably do!
Judging by how long every single comment I ever leave you is, I more than likely overexplain. BUT! I don’t do it at work because I’ve found that less information is usually more. I’ve been burned by overexplaining, in that it leads to more questions that probably wouldn’t have been asked if I’d just kept my mouth shut.
And I’m definitely guilty of “You spot it, you got it.” I won’t even go into what, because they’d all make me sound like a horrible person. But I do it, and I know that I’m doing it.
I like long blog comments. I leave them too. Like… if someone writes a long post, with a lot of points, I am probably going to comment on most of them. And I am not concise. Ha.
COME ON. TELL ME! You tell me, I tell you?
This post is really interesting, because I am an overexplainer and hadn’t really ever thought about how annoying it might be. Also, sometimes when people don’t overexplain things I wonder what happened or if they really care, etc. And I think that’s a product of my desire to always explain. I need to stop reading into people’s lack of explanations…I’m not sure if that’s what you meant for us to get from the post, but I got that too. Now I’ll work on trying to stop overexplaining myself…
Ha ha ha! No! That is exactly what my last point of the post was. Us over explainers wonder why the hell under explainers… aren’t explaining things!
I definitely am an overexplainer but I think I’ve gotten better at leaving out minor details over the years or not providing as much explanation unless someone asks for it. Part of the reason I think is that I feel like adding details helps people understand what I’m trying to say. However, I’ve learned that I can give as many details (or as few) to some people as I want and they still don’t listen (my dad comes to mind… I’d love to be in his head just once to hear what he hears when people talk to him).