On being direct and honest
Update on yesterday’s post: I realized that it was impossible for me to have a quiet day on a work day. In fact, I realized that being so busy at work is probably fueling a lot of my over-thinking and maybe a bit of anxiety. Today’s post is kind of related.
I decided my quiet day will have to be tomorrow (I have the day off) or this weekend. We have some fun activities planned – Farmers Market, baking cookies, running, maybe bowling – I should be able to find relaxation and calm!
I was trying to explain to Steven the other day that I think my new* job has made me more “vocal.” That’s not exactly the right word, but I’ll explain.
I am in more of a project manager position now. It’s not my title, but it’s what I do. I’ve been finding that I need to speak up a lot more lately, to keep things in the best interest for my company and our clients.
But I’ve found some side effects to my “vocality,” and I am not sure if they are positive or negative.
At work, I’ve been a bit short with a couple of people. I don’t want to go into much detail about that, but I feel like I should be nicer, and give people the benefit of the doubt… even when I feel like they really, REALLY have not earned it.
At home, I’ve been more “direct” when dealing with companies. I let the Nissan Customer Service department know exactly** what I thought of their service on Saturday. I told the Sun-Times I was canceling my subscription because they couldn’t get their act together. I argued with the dentist about why my bills are coming to my home in MY HUSBAND’S NAME when we don’t share insurance.
On the plus side, I feel good saying what I want to say and not playing any games. But I know I am coming off as a bitch***. And I don’t want to be the bitchy demanding customer, because Steven works with customers like that most days, and I see what it does to him.
But here’s the thing. I don’t want to waste any time. I feel more and more pressed for time EVERY day. I am struggling with it so much right now, and I think that has a lot to do with what I wrote about yesterday. So if I can cut through a lot of bullcrap by being direct and honest, why not do it?
I just need to sound sweet and nice. And – make it clear that I don’t want to be rude, impolite, or nasty. I just want to be direct and honest, and get to the point.
As a side note, there are a few personal relationships I have, where I wish I could be this direct and honest. Instead of playing their games.
I am really honest with my parents (and my husband, of course). I think about that a lot. They get the 100% version of me. Nothing’s fake. I tell it like I see it to them. I think I am too honest sometimes. But in my most important relationships, why not show myself exactly as I am? What would be the point of doing otherwise? Facades are too much upkeep and stress.
*Can I still call it new if I’ve been working there since 12/8/08?
**Yes, it felt good to tell them I went and bought an Infiniti after I left their showroom and crappy offer behind.
***Steven cofirmed this.
Themocracy
there is nothing wrong with being direct and honest as long as, like you said, you’re not nasty about it… it’s really hard for me to be direct and honest… even in close personal relationships…. it’s not that i create a facade i just don’t always stand up for myself or say what i really want to say… i am working on that though…
it sucks that it seems you never have enough time for anything… we’re supposed to enjoy life and everything that comes along with it but i find myself so stressed about not having enough time and not getting everything done that i need to get done… i hate the “rat race”…
=^..^=
Beign honest and irect is all about how you deliver your message. I find that using simple clear words and language can get the message across. Being perceived as bitchy is more subjective. Is it because of your delivery, the information you are providing or the fact that you have told them this over an dover again.
Being “bitchy” is not your perception probel it is theirs.
I think a lot of times those of us who are generally super nice and easygoing are labelled “bitchy” when we stand up for ourselves because other people are not used to seeing that side of us. It doesn’t mean you should stop being firm–you just need to practice how you deliver the message so that it feels natural, comfortable, and “more like you”.
With all the craziness at work I’ve gotten a bit bossier. I thought I was being mean, but my co-workers said I was not being mean, but firm. It is hard to get used to, but it is a very important life skill…being firm means also that you can start taking better control of your own time! (something I am still working on…blagh)
We are all pressed for time and I do not see anything wrong with being direct and to the point.. However, when being direct and to the point, we must still treat the other person with the same respect we wish to receive. That is the hardest part, and I struggle with that one. Playing games at the expense of my time is not something I appreciate or have much tolerance for so I try and reciprocate the same in dealing with others. I often may be perceived as rude an/or arrogant but that is not my intention in the least. I am just trying to respect their time as I do my own and get to the point.
I’ve spent that last year cultivating that directness and honesty in my friendships. I’ve always been able to say what I want at work, at the doctor, with service professionals, blah blah. However, I generally would keep quiet and avoid rocking boats just to keep peace amongst a group of friends.
The first time I said what I really thought to a friend, I lashed out and it wasn’t pretty. However, the more and more I do this, the easier it becomes to say what I need to say without coming off bitchy at all. And you know what? I feel better all of the time. It takes so much of the world off of my shoulders.
I hope you find your way too!
I think you have to be careful not to be brutal with your honestly. It’s important to consider who is on the receiving end of your honesty. And sometimes being honest IS about being bitchy, and we have to be careful and know when it’s ok and when it isn’t.
And now that I’ve made my disclaimer, I get really tired of men being considered a “good ol’ boy, direct and to the point” and a woman is just a bitch when she says the same things.
*ahem*
There is a fine line to walk between telling people what you want/need and coming across as a raving bitch. I’m still not very good at standing up for myself (especially in person or on the phone). I usually make my husband do it. I figure he’s worked as a customer service rep before. It’s just karma at this point 🙂
i fail at all of this. being direct, being honest…. yeah. it’s not like i’m a huge LIAR, it’s just that i suck at the direct part, and the honest part about tough things. hiiiiighly need to work on it 😛
Being direct and honest sometimes gets me into hot water because most people do not want to deal with honesty or directness (despite what they might say) but you know what? It is worth it.
Be who you are. On purpose.
Honesty and directness are a double-edged sword. There are people that need to hear some of what you have to say, but those people are the ones that can rarely take it. There are few better relationship killers than honesty and directness. Sad, isn’t it? Human beings need thicker skin.
I don’t have to time to pretend anymore, I think you can be direct and honest with people without offending them. Like Hilly said, it’s a balance.
You’re not being “bitchy” for a reason. You’re being direct because you don’t want to waste time. I think as long as you’re not going out of your way to be unpleasant to someone, it’s allll good! Keep it real, lady!
People that have trouble with honesty are often not honest with themselves.
Um, Nissan owns Infiniti, but I guess that doesn’t really help the Nissan dealership.
You know, I think “nice” is over-rated and often used as a mask for taking the easy way out and avoiding confrontation. Accepting BS treatment isn’t “nice,” it’s doing yourself a disservice. There’s definitely a balance between giving people the benefit of the doubt, and being unable or unwilling to stand up for yourself. Besides, “direct and honest” doesn’t preclude diplomatic (especially in work situations).
Good luck with your quiet days…I need about 20 of those!!
intriguing post and very thought provoking comments. I try to be direct; honest w/o being bitchy. I’m not always successful with that. I guess it’s a skill that always needs to be fine tuned.
It’s like American Idol – Simon is the only direct and honest judge (is he bitchy?) on that show and Paula will give you a big giant ball of fluff before she tells you she kinda, maybe, sorta, didn’t really kinda like it that much. (but you look great!).
CourtneyInControl – I find myself stressing about the same thing too. I stress so much, that I am not even able to enjoy my free time when I actually have it. Or the activities I am doing… because al I can think about is the next one 🙁
Christina – True, some people just aren’t going to like to hear it. I think in being this way, I have been more clear and concise, but that is something I could try to work on. Thinking about being that way would help me think about things when I am saying them.
diane – Firm! That is the word I was looking for! See Diane – you always know what I am talking about. It doesn’t surprise me that you struggle with it as well. 😉
Tony – I agree with what you are saying. Give the respect you want back – that is crucial. I wonder if some people become so accustomed to playing this game (like salesmen) that they don’t want to stop. That they can’t see you are trying to cut out the bullshit. I cannot imagine being married to a person like that. How do they shut it off?
Hilly – I feel better TOO! 😀 Which is why I was thinking maybe I should try this in my personal relationships as well? I’ll have to be careful. And diplomatic!
Kyra – Ha ha. There is definitely a double standard when it comes to this issue! I don’t think I am being too brutal, but maybe I need a second opinion. It’s hard to get that view of yourself.
Erin – Husbands can be very good at that! After my ordeal today with the dentist, Steven called them and told them he was embarrassed by their mistake.
Alice – Do you tend to sugarcoat things? Or just tell half truths? I notice that with some friends, I let things go by that they say that really bother me, which means I don’t care about them as much as other friends, because I would say something. Now with some of my family, when they say something that bother me, I don’t argue with it, because I have to see them again.
sizzle – I love the last two lines! That should be my new tagline. I agree that people say they can handle it, but they can’t. You know, it is hard to hear the truth sometimes, but think of how much better somethings would be if people were just honest!
kapgar – They do. I know that even I do! I should keep that in mind.
Nat – Exactly. We’ve grown out of playing pretend (well, I have. Steven just informed me he has an invisible friend named Jim… but I think he was joking?)
Mica – Hee hee! I am not going out of my way! Making other people happy makes me happy. And being a bitch does not make them happy. But being direct makes me happy so my happiness trumps theirs. I make no sense.
Ren – So true! I love the way you worded that. It is funny that I got a car from Nissan’s sister, but the point was – the lost the sale at their store. But it’s no wonder I like Nissans too 😉
superslawa – And sometimes, being “nice” means you can’t actually get the things done that you are supposed to get done! It’s restrictive and a disservice, like you said.
Gina (Mannyed) – Thanks. I think it’s a skill that takes lifelong dedication and attention! Good reference! That fluff can get in the way. Maybe Simon could be a bit nicer though? Hee hee.