Mind your own time
I’ve recently received conflicting commentary on how I spend my time. It’s ranged from “you must have time for that, since you don’t have kids,” to “you’re so busy, Kim, how do you have time for anything?!”
Well, which is it? Ha ha. Do I have all the time in the world or not?!
It’s always a bit of a shock when you’re reminded other people are thinking about how you spend your time (why do they care?!), and mostly likely, how they’d spend your time, if they were you.
I’m certainly not immune to it. When you study to become a certified personal trainer, you learn a lot about the reasons people don’t exercise, and ways to encourage them to do so. The number one reason people give is that they don’t have enough time. So, yes, when people tell me they don’t have time to exercise, my brain automatically thinks “I bet you do!” and tries to come up with solutions to “fit it in.”
But you know what? I never share those solutions unless asked. And I feel guilty for thinking of them, at all. Because I very much believe we should all do whatever we want with our time, however our lives are set up. We all get the same amount of hours in the day, do what you can with them! (Just, please, don’t act surprised when you don’t get the results you’d like because you didn’t spend your time in the manner to get them.)
Are you surprised when people comment on how you spend your time? Do you get a range of comments about it?
I wrote about this almost two years ago, and feel that I have gotten much better at not filling all my free time with things to do, and at not caring (mostly, at all) what people do with theirs, since then. I’ve gone through a cycle. After college, when I was getting used to working full time, I was exhausted most nights and just wanted to stay in. Then one night we went out for a movie on a weeknight, and it didn’t kill me so I realized weeknights could be for social activities, too! So then I started scheduling more of them… hence getting to having too much (for me) going on. Now I have a pretty decent balance. We have something going on most weekends, and I am out of the house two weeknights, working, but I really try to protect my “down” time at home, with the boys, because I know it keeps me sane.
Themocracy
I always think it’s funny when people assume I have a ton of free time because I don’t have kids. I’m guessing those people were probably busy before kids too!
I went through the same shift over the past couple of years of being out all the time during the week and wanting to fill all of my free time with social commitments to… just about nothing. I hardly ever go out anymore. I think it’s a combination of me feeling a little burnt out from it, and just not needing to get out of the house as much.
Ha ha ha, right? Of course, life is much different with kids, and I will never understand it, but geesh, lay off judging me for it! 🙂
I’m right there with ya. Remember when FOMO was a thing people talked about? I couldn’t ever relate. I know that forcing myself to go out does NOT make me happy.
Well, to parents, “free”time = time not controlled by their children. So to them, we do have a lot of freetime! We just fill it with activities, leaving us less downtime. So it’s probably just a matter of word choice.
Like with everything in life, it comes down to semantics 😉
Like you, I am very protective of my downtime. And I do sometimes receive comments/judgement about how much time I MUST have since I don’t work full time. But even when I wasn’t working, I was busy. Those small people, and just life in general, demand a lot of us. I am like you – I try not to assume anything, or judge. We are all different. I know people who THRIVE on being constantly on the go. That is not who I am 🙂
I hate that people give flack to you about not working full time and being a SAHM. I couldn’t do what you do, and really, I am grateful you are my friend (for a zillion reasons besides this) because talking to you has shown me even more that we are all different and should not assume or judge, like you said!
Kind of…usually implied! In science academics work is meant to be your life. Your whole life. I know people that work in the same building as me that are expected to work 10-12 hour days, 7 days a week with no vacation time.
I get a lot of ‘oh you work in that lab’ and “hours are different in Europe are they?”. I let it slide. I asked up front about hours when I interviewed and was clear about when I would or wouldn’t work. There will always be more work no matter how much you do.
I really don’t get why people care. Sometimes I think they like to either; wallow and feel hard done by or feel superior.
My BiL is a post doc in a lab so I kind of know what you are talking about! He can be there a lot. But mostly… not. Ha ha.
I think it’s good when people don’t make work their life. When there is more than work 🙂
Yep! That is why!!! I see both of those!
That’s so funny you get comments on both sides of the spectrum! I wonder why people feel the need to comment at all- like why are they wasting brain power analyzing or assuming what your life is like and not using that time to work on themselves? Makes no sense to me. I’d never say something like that to someone unless they told me they don’t have time to workout- then I’d say what you said: “I bet you do!.” But I don’t fill my time thinking about other people like that- so it’s a foreign concept to me.
“why are they wasting brain power analyzing or assuming what your life is like and not using that time to work on themselves?”
sadly because it’s easier to criticize than to work on improving themselves.
I think people who are more likely to make excuses for why they don’t have something, and like to play the victim, sometimes look to people who have it and try to figure out why they do. But instead of seeing what they could do as well, they say things like “they have more free time,” “they have more money,” etc. Instead of “they want that more than me, “they work harder.”
I cherish my down time, and I’m stubborn about it. It may be old fashioned, but I don’t check my work email when I’m at home or on vacation. I always consider that my time, and I need it away from work. I’m not high up enough to have to check in.
Good for you! I hear people at work promising others they will check their email when they are off and on vacay and I am like “NO NO NO!!!!” thumbs down to that!
I go through phases where I’m like “do all the things!!!!!” I figure I have a lot of freetime to fill as I please, and the reason we live in the city is to be near all those fun things, so let’s do it! Then I start to feel burned out and go the other way, where I’m just like, I need to schedule time to relax. Right now I’m in a “do all the things!” phase, so we’ll see when I run out of steam. I try not to overthink it though.
I think it’s awesome you are maximizing your proximity to all the fun things! 🙂 I went through that back and forth cycl a few times and now realize I need a (mostly) downtime day, if possible, on the weekend and one weeknight. Doing all the things, even in short spurts, takes too much out of me! 🙂
The only one who comments on my use of time seems to be my husband, who is always amazed at how much time I spend reading on the computer. Oh well. And when I was in college I interned in DC for a summer and most nights of the week, I had post-work activities scheduled. Looking back on it, I have no idea how I managed to do that.
I feel like your partner or children would be the only people you could actually talk to about how they spend their time. Even then, I want my husband to do what he wants, because I want him to feel the same for me (with compromise, of course). Ha ha, is your husband impressed you can read so much on the computer? Or does he think it’s a waste?
Ha ha, college = more energy? And it was networking?
I definitely don’t use my time “wisely”, but I get done what I need to get done (for work – and life, usually!), and I really try to not judge people on how they are using their time. I know that I probably have more down time than a lot my friends who are parents, but those are choices that people make. Also, in terms of being a teacher, I am aware of the busier moments in the year and I can plan for them. I do have a hard time dealing when I think that I’m going to have down time and I don’t (or when I’m planning on training and I can’t). But, when that happens, I also try to remind myself that it’s not the end of the world and to just deal!
I totally get that letdown of not getting your downtime (or the joy of something be canceled so you do)! I try to have a little downtown on a weekend day and when something bumps in to it I am c-r-a-b-b-y!!! But yeah. We deal, and move on. Ha ha.
I have time anxiety where I tend to think I am going to be much busier than I am. I look ahead at my schedule and get freaked out and wonder how I am every going to get it all done. And then I rush around like a mad woman to get it all done and then I sit around bored!
My husband is the exact opposite. He seems to never worry and takes things at his pace.
So we’ve had to learn to adjust to each other. He reminds me to calm down and slow down and puts up with me when I am crazy. I’ve learned to let it go when he is play video games and there are still 10 things we need to do.
Aww, that is so great to hear that you are helping each other! We tend to be the same way you guys are, too… and it’s so helpful to have a partner be the opposite, in this.
Do you get that anxious with your work to do? I really do, and try to get things done as fast as possible without mistakes. Right now I am working on a project and trying not to rush through it just to get it of my list (there is no rush) and I think that is good for me.
Aww, that is so great to hear that you are helping each other! We tend to be the same way you guys are, too… and it’s so helpful to have a partner be the opposite, in this.
Do you get that anxious with your work to do? I really do, and try to get things done as fast as possible without mistakes. Right now I am working on a project and trying not to rush through it just to get it of my list (there is no rush) and I think that is good for me.
I know that I make myself way busier than I have to be, so I never like to complain about not having enough time. But when people say they don’t have time to exercise I do the same thing as you- start thinking about how they probably could fit exercise into their day! If you really want something you will find a way to make time for it!
Eeeeeeexactly. Spend less time complaining about your lack of time, maybe? LOL. That was mean 😉
Did I tell you about my pain in the ass neighbors? (They are just like the annoying ones in the Buick commercial where they are spying on the neighbors with binoculars)
Anyway—they CONSTANTLY comment to me and Matt about all our daily “coming and going” and how we are “so lucky” and they are “so jealous”—and then there are the “are you going to the gym AGAIN” comments. It really pisses me (well, both of us) off. My life is really not THAT chaotic for you to comment on it almost every time I leave my driveway (they are always outside!)—I’m sorry I commute from work, go work out and occasionally hang out with friends. They also make comments it’s because we “don’t have kids”. That’s a whole other rant for another time!
In short, everyone is free to spend time as they please! As long as it’s not hurting anyone, why is it anyone’s business?
You didn’t! WTF! Why do they even care?! WHY WHY WHY? And to comment on it?! I could go on for days about neighbor issues, but we had one make similar comments about how often we are home (creepy) and that because we work from home and they do not, they should get to blast their music all night, cause we have quiet during the day (well, actually, your kids are blasting it then (it was summer) too). People’s logic… scratch that. Some people DON’T have logic.
So do these neighbors just think this is a good way to start convo? A-holes.
Growing up all the way through college I was going, going, going! I kept busy and learned to deal with the stresses of being involved of so many activities. Since graduating in May ’12, I’ve gone through a tough transition. I’ve lived in three different places since then and haven’t yet been able to put down roots and establish a routine/balanced lifestyle. I think I’ve even dealt with depression over the loss of my busy lifestyle of the past!It has been really hard but I’m finally getting involved in things that interest me and keep me busy (but not too busy 🙂 I appreciate my free time and the ability to enjoy it and try new things!:)
Aww man, that is rough (like the after-college transition isn’t already hard enough, right?)! I am happy you are finding some activities that make you feel fulfilled and still allow you downtime. It’s important (imo) to have that, outside of work!
Jakre seems to think I have unlimited time, since I mostly work at home. But I actually have to work for 8.5 hours, minus a 30 min lunch and 2 15 min breaks.
When people ask me what I do with all my time because I don’t have kids, I usually just tell them that I’m too busy being awesome. That shuts them up pretty quickly!
Ahh, yes. That is another one. “What do you do at home all day while you work?” Um… work? “Oh, you don’t clean?” Um… no. Why the heck would I CLEAN my house if I was looking for a distraction? Ha.
LOL! I will have to remember that one!
I get both of these comments too! I go through phases of do all the things and needed downtime, so now I protect that like you. I used to just go go go and then crash and burn and I have grown up a bit since then. Plus, my job has me hopping around from office to office, going to lots of social events and in meetings all day most every day, so by the time I get home I’m all like “get me in my bubble!!!” haha
You especially have to protect your downtime if your job is like that! I am happy you can!
Wow, interesting discussion…I often feel stressed out about not having enough time, but in fact, time is the one thing we all have, in exactly the same amount, to be used carefully or mindlessly, however we choose.
Indeed it is! One of the only things money can’t buy (except in some sci-fi movies, ha ha), yet I sometimes wish it could!
Since having #3 in November, I’ve been living the SAHM life for the first time. I was so excited about all the time I was going to have. Um. No. The small people, especially the smallest, really know how to suck the hours out of a day. Now, I’m looking forward to going back to work in a few weeks so I can have more time. For me, my life is far more organized when it is structured around my working schedule. I also feel like when I’m working outside the house, I value the time I have with my family even more – thus making the time really count. We all have the same 24 hours – the way we fill them (or fulfill them?) should only matter to us individually.
I have had enough friends have kids now that I feel like I am starting to understand (never fully will, of course) how much time babies (and all kids, but especially babies) take, and holy cow! Maternity leave must FLY by in a blur! It’s incredible!!! And that is great that you know working, now, works best, for you! I find it so interesting to talk to my mom friends about which does work best for them. I know some who couldn’t wait to go back and “talk to adults” (her words, not mine) and some who weren’t going to quit their jobs but then did! That is just another choice that is individual and shouldn’t be judged 🙂 (but I do love to hear about it!)
I just love this post. I used to be a bit judgy of other people’s time several years ago, and could slap myself silly for it. This is MY life, just as your life is YOURS. We get to CHOOSE how we spend our time, and no one else should give a hoot about our choices unless these choices directly affect their lives.
I often struggle getting it all done between work, single parenting a lot of the time, kids, etc…but the last couple years I’ve made the time to run and spend more time with friends/family because it makes me happier! Isn’t that what life is all about? <3
I couldn’t have handled having kids. haha When I see or hear people talk about running from this extracurricular to that one every single day after work and all weekend, it stresses ME out! And I’m not the one doing it! I stay busy enough taking care of three pets!
It stresses me out too. 🙂 I cringe when I hear people say they have 2 or 3 birthday parties to go to in one day. One party on a weekend is more than enough for me.
Yeah, that would stress me out too. 🙁 And I feel bad because then their potential downtime is so screwed up. Stinks 🙁
People should just mind their own business. What everyone does in their own time is their business. Maybe someone should tell them how they have time to be thinking of how other people spend their time. I work and take a class. I don’t have a husband nor kids. Does that mean I have more time than others that have kids and/or husband? Maybe? Maybe not?
I think if people complain about something they’re opening themselves up for your opinion on it! Otherwise, like you said, mum’s the word.
OMG…that “you don’t have kids” comment, wtf?? That’s so uncalled for and would make me stabby. It’s a good general rule not to care about how other people spend their time because someone will ALWAYS be busier than you (and you’d feel guilty), and someone will always be less busy than you (and you’d feel resentful). Good call on allocating your time to pursuits you care about (KNITTING!!!! Haha) and not giving a crap about everyone else (or trying not to!).
Sigh. I know. It makes me feel bad, because I am probably never going to have kids, and don’t want to go around knowing that people are thinking about it and feeling upset that I have more “free” time than them. You’re right – someone will always be busier and less busy. It’s life. Quit caring 😉
And I am so digging knitting!!! GOTTA make time for that!