The power of a (sincere) apology
Have you ever been surprised by the power an apology has had in making you feel better about something? Or maybe disappointed that it did nothing at all?
Sigh, I am equal parts amazed at how much a simple, sincere apology can make me feel better about a situation, and equal parts ashamed at how much I harbor frustrated feelings until I get one.
I try not to hold grudges, and give people the benefit of the doubt when they do something to me personally that makes me feel bad, but there is an innate part of me that wants acknowledgement… wants an apology. Immature? Maybe! And believe me – I definitely know the street goes both ways. I hope no one is waiting for an apology from me about something, and that if they are, that they approach me about the topic!
But, anyway… ha, that intro makes it seem like I am having personal drama* right now. I’m not! I was actually just thinking about an issue I’ve had a work for the past two months with someone underperforming and not listening to the requirements I gave them. Week after week I felt frustrated that they wouldn’t provide the deliverable I requested, despite explaining it to them several times and bringing other teammates in to help. Finally, we had a call to go over it again with their boss, and when the boss saw the deliverable did not meet the requirements the next week, well… the boss was not happy. And apologized to me several times.
Every single time I discussed that deliverable I found myself feeling tense and upset about it. And frustrated that I couldn’t get anywhere with it (despite bringing in other people to help). Several times, I ended the work day angry about it and went on a run to try to pound out my frustration.
But when the boss apologized to me? I instantly felt better.
It just amazes me, how much having someone else say “I am sorry” can really mean. Having someone say “I get that this has been frustrating for you,” or whatever the situation is.
Sometimes I just need that acknowledgement. (And sometimes I need to give it, too)
Ha! I didn’t even make this connection until I was about to publish this, but I got another apology last week that made me feel better about something. I was eating an Apple Pear Strudel Clif Bar and bit in to something hard with my teeth. I keep chewing, thinking… geesh, I don’t know what – that I was imagining it?! And kept biting in to something hard. Eventually I spit a tiny rock out my mouth. From a Clif Bar. I was a bit disturbed. I could have really hurt my teeth!
I love Clif Bars but felt like I had to say something about it, so I sent them an email, letting them know what happened, and their apology made me feel better about the whole thing. And the half-eaten** Clif Bar and rock are still sitting on my desk, waiting for an envelope to send it to them for analysis.
*But oh, I have. <— talk about emo /vague / annoying post
**I kind of laugh that it is half eaten because when I grabbed it as a snack I told myself to try to only eat half, knowing that would be pretty hard for me… ha ha. The rock made it easy to stop!
Themocracy
The fact of the matter is, that it is just difficult sometimes to let go of an issue when you have never gotten an apology for it. And a simple apology can make a huge difference. But I think for some people it is just too daunting for them to admit they were wrong, and therefore, they are unable to apologize, and try to take the route of just moving on and acting like nothing happened (but I think then often they still carry guilt around about what happened anyway). Which can sometimes really ruin a relationship, because not only are they carrying guilt around but also they don’t give the other party (the one who needs the acknowledgement of the apology) the opportunity to feel the relief of being able to let go of the resentment. So no apology means both parties are carrying this heavy weight around, which is not good. Better to apologize as soon as possible and then both parties can truly move on.
Nice that Cliff Bar apologized, but man, you could have broken a tooth! I guess you are lucky that way 😉
It is so hard to let go. Even when you think you are over it, you really might not be. I waited for an apology on something for three years (that was the post I linked to at the bottom) and felt all this weight lifted when I got it. It was so dumb, but why was the apology so hard to start with? Ha ha.
I feel lucky! YIKES!
Amen. Sometimes it just makes us feel better to know someone recognizes what we are feeling and acknowledges it.
Hope Cliff Bar is sending you a life-time supply, too:)
It really does!
They said they would send me some replacements! 🙂
This makes complete sense. I think one of the biggest things that people need in life is validation and a feeling of needing to be understood. Having someone apologize gives that understanding that they know they hurt you or slighted you in some manner. That understanding and empathy is one of the most important things in life. At the end of the day, we just want to be understood.
Gosh, yes. So much truth in your paragraph. I try hard not to need validation for the things I do… to just do me, but man, I really need it in this form!
I couldn’t agree more…I will be the first to apologize if I mess up, and expect nothing less than others. It sure makes an icky feeling go away quick to hear a genuine, “I’m sorry.”
Yikes, the thought of getting a rock in your food is scary! Glad you didn’t break a tooth! And I’m glad you were able to finally get your point through in your work situation. It does help to know that people appreciate your point when you feel like it’s been ignored.
It really is true that an apology can go a long way. I especially see this at work with patients. There have been a few that have yelled at me (many times for things beyond my control) or treated my techs horribly and then later came back or called the store saying that they were out of line. It can really turn the day around when people actually apologize. Of course many people don’t but I do know if I know I made a mistake/the mistake I really try to apologize.
That is seriously crazy about the rock in the cliff bar!
Wow! I am surprised people are rational enough to call back and apologize! That amazes me! 🙂
It doesn’t happen often but I have had it more than once and it definitely is appreciated. One of the things that happens a little more often is someone apologizing for the way a family member is acting (more than likely they are just embarrassed by them lol)
Oh my goodness on the rock!! I’m glad you called them. How would a ROCK get in there? Yikes! I agree that apologizes can make all the difference in the word. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that other person. 🙁
Oh, ugh! I found a little rock like that in Indian food (lentils) at a restaurant once, and it really scared me too. Except it was in France, and I wasn’t sure how to express my distress appropriately, so I let it go. That’s nice that Clif bar actually wrote you an apology though; I’m kind of surprised because they seem like such a big company!
I kind of feel uncomfortable with sincere apologies (well, being on the receiving end), but I think they’re important. I try to be good about apologizing, especially if I think I’ve said something offensive, just in case!
Whenever we make lentils at home we sort them for rocks! Too bad they missed yours! 🙁 Could you complain about it now if you wanted to (with your French skills)?
Yeah. I don’t know what to say. “Thank you for apologizing,” or “I accept your apology.” I don’t just want to dismiss it with “it’s ok!”