Is asking for permission old fashioned?
Listening to that song “Rude” has me thinking about when Steven asked my dad for permission to marry me. And the whole idea of “asking for permission,” at all. Have you heard that song? It’s about this guy who asks his girlfriend’s dad for permission to marry her, and the dad says no, so the boyfriend asks “why you gotta be so rude?”* The song is super catchy!
I went back to my archives to see if I had already told the story of how Steven asked my dad for permission to marry me and whoops… I wasn’t even blogging then! Ha ha. And, of course, this story is second hand, since I wasn’t there.
Steven and I had plans to go to the restaurant where we had our first date for our two year anniversary in September of 2004. On his drive in from Chicagoland to Iowa for the date, he stopped at my parent’s house. I asked him if he thinks they knew why he was stopping, and he said he wondered if they thought he was stopping by to ask a car-related question (legit logic there!).
So he stopped and they chatted a bit then he asked my mom if he could have a private conversation with my dad (aww) and that is when he asked him. He obviously said yes, then he showed both of my parents the ring**. And then he was on his way! But not before my mom gave him some things to give to me, which was really funny, because we unloaded his car to my apartment when he got to Iowa he had to hide the stuff from my mom until after he proposed so I wouldn’t know he had stopped there!
I remember after Steven proposed I asked who knew***, and he told me he stopped at my parents to ask. And that he was really nervous when he did. And that when he asked, my dad wanted to make sure that it was still in the plans for me to finish school. Ha ha, yes. I was in school for three more years after that!
If you’re married, were the parents asked for permission? If you have kids, would you want their suitors to ask you?
I wonder how common it is to get the parent’s blessing for marriage. It would be interesting to see how it is from culture to culture. And really, from relationship to relationship. Each family is different, and each with their own drama.
Personally, I like the courtesy of letting the parents know. And I am happy my mom was somewhat included and got to see the ring. I bet she was just waiting all night for me to call!
I asked my dad if he appreciated Steven asking, and if he would have cared, if he hadn’t. He said in some ways he appreciated it, as it’s a respectful thing to do, even if a bit outdated. But that he also wouldn’t have thought anything of him not asking. He said he felt the same way about Will asking for Christina.
Then I asked my dad if he asked his father-in-law for permission, and he said he didn’t! He was too involved/freaked out about asking my mom that it never occurred to ask her dad! He remembered thinking after, that he really should have.
Aww, my parents have a super cute engagement story. And hopefully Dad will comment if I get a detail off (update – see first comment for his version), but I think for Christmas, my dad got my mom a tool box. And I bet she was looking at it like, “wtf?!” but then he said to her, “would you marry a man who gave you a tool box?” And she opened it and there was a ring inside. Say it with me – awwwwwwwwwwwww!
*Wow, I read the wikipedia page about this song, and the song was actually inspired by what I thought it was originally about before I heard the whole thing – a rude girlfriend. They changed it to be about a girl’s father.
** And they both commented on how “big” it was. This was a common reaction from people in Iowa, but not so much in Chicagoland, which we found interesting. A few people were appalled by the size of it, which was kind of annoying. It’s not that big, and it really is appropriately sized for my large hands, ha ha!
***I wasn’t expecting Steven to propose because he had just bought our house. But during the ONE time we went to look at rings, he secretly bought the engagement ring and it had been at his brother’s house, so his brother knew and my parents (and probably his, too).
Themocracy
A little off from how I remember it but that was a long time ago. First off, for some odd reason she actually had asked for a tool box for Christmas, so I probably a week before had taped the ring box to the bottom of the tray in the tool box. When she opened the box and pulled out the tray all I remember is that the tape had partially failed and the ring box was hanging off the bottom by one piece of tape. Once she saw the ring box and opened it that is when I asked. Her version may differ, LOL.
Ahh! I have not heard these details! Thanks for sharing! Did you actually say the bit about “marrying a man who’d give her a tool box”?
Not that I remember but that was 35 years ago.
You’ve been married SO LONG. Are we doing 35th anniversary family photos like we did for 30th? Or that shit can wait until 40th? Ha!
That’s so sweet! My parents just celebrated their 36 year anniversary!
Awwww you both look so young! I love that Steven had to hide the stuff from your mom until after he asked you.
I think it’s pretty outdated but it is a nice little tradition if the dude feels comfortable with his lady’s family. But what if the dad said no? Would the couple really not get engaged because of that? 🙂
Kevin didn’t ask, but we had been together so long it was just a given that we would be getting married. haha. I think my parents probably would have been like – WTF? Of course you have permission!
I wonder about that too! I bet it only matters if the dad says no in other cultures… but then, the marriage may be planned.
Ha ha ha! Or “WTF too you so long to ask her?!”
That’s such a cute story, both yours and your parents’! Mike didn’t ask my parents first, probably because my dad would have said no just to mess with him! I feel the same way as Rachel, it seems weird to ask for permission when you’re most likely going to do it no matter what the answer is.
I don’t think I found out until after we were married that Robert did ask my parents. They were kind of like, well, we like you, but it really all depends on what she says! But then our actual “engagement” was kind of agreed upon by the two of us, so I’m not really sure what he was asking to do … he never like, got down on one knee with a ring. We were discussing his plans to enlist and that we should be married before he leaves, so we should get moving on planning a wedding. The next day I was like, wait, are we engaged?
I think asking is a nice gesture, but it really depends on the family and the couple. Like, if I were single and getting married now, and my boyfriend asked my parents, that would be weird. But as young 20-somethings who still lived at home, it doesn’t seem so out of place.
So did he ask them before you two discussed it, or after?
OK, so I asked him for the whole story. About a week before we agreed to get married, he made a trip out to my house to talk to my parents. He said he wanted to marry me and wanted to make sure they thought he would be a good husband for me. They seemed really happy (probably moreso that a “kid” was showing them so much respect, but Robert has always been so polite to my parents and all elders) and said if he thought he could make me happy, then he had their support. And apparently Robert did have a cute proposal idea (taking me to a butterfly garden) but then I got all “feminist” on him, hence the “agreement” instead of proposal. And then we went ring shopping.
My husband did ask my parents. Some call it old fashioned, but I think it’s courtsy.
Such a great pic of you two, and how funny I was just asking Bobbi yesterday how long had you and Steven been married, and I open my email to this post! LOVE IT!
Aww, thanks for thinking of us! 7 years in Sept 🙂
My fiance didn’t ask for permission. He was going to wait until we went to my childhood home for Christmas, ask permission, and then ask me….but he got too nervous and just asked me!
Aww 🙂 Where is your childhood home compared to where you live now?
So cute! David did not ask my parents. We were both so over the idea of marriage by the time we got engaged that it just didn’t seem right (as in, do we need to actually do this or can we just live here like normal with no formalities.) in a way I wished he had done it not out of respect or tradition, but because then it would not have been such a big deal when I had to tell my parents!
What made it a big deal when you told your parents? Or did they make a big deal out of it?
I just heard that song for the first time last weekend and I love it! But back to the topic at hand – I think the tradition of asking permission should remain engrained in our culture. While I don’t consider my beliefs old-fashioned at all, this is one that I hope my future husband (lol…any takers?) follows. It seems to set a level of respect between the husband and his future wife’s family, and it’s a good way to start off on a positive note if that makes any sense.
Your parents’ story is adorable! I’m actually not even sure I know my own parents’ engagement story. I’ll have to find out tonight haha.
That does make sense! And I want to know what you find out about their story!
I think it’s respectful to the family to “ask permission.” Not necessarily because they need permission, but because it shows that he values their opinion, and their approval of the marriage. It’s not just about two people getting married, but about two people joining two families. 🙂
I’ve been married twice and neither time did my dude ask permission. I’m ok with that though. None of what I have done with my life had been very traditional so why start with that?!
Love your and your parents’ stories! So cute. I think you look the same as you did in 2004! It’s amazing! Steven looks different now though 😉
While I personally don’t have a preference, I know a lot of families really care. Ian asked my dad for permission and told my mom that he was planning to propose. I wouldn’t have cared either way (I mean, I am it is my decision after all) but I know it meant a lot to both of my parents to be included.
I loved reading both your story and your parents. So cute!
My sister has always been INSISTENT that if she ever gets married, her boyfriend MUST ask my dad for permission prior to asking her to marry him. I don’t have much of an opinion on it, though I suppose I would like to know that my boyfriend had my family’s blessing to marry me…so I guess I’d rather he ask them for their blessing than permission, if that makes sense.
Yeah, a blessing does make sense. Like a lot of other commenters have said, it’s about respect and kind of giving them a heads up, hee hee.
Matt did ask my parents for permission. Which was nice, I guess, but I didn’t really care. I’m pretty sure they expected it. I guess after Matt asked, my dad made a joke about it taking so long.
I definitely feel like it’s not as important these days because more women are living on their own before they are married. For me, it’s been over 5 years since I lived at home with my parent’s.
I don’t think Jason asked. For a long time he was a little intimidated by my parents so I can’t really see him asking. I think it’s great that Steven felt so comfortable with your family to stop at their house without you!
Mike asked my parents. I never said I wanted to / needed him to do it…I think he just felt compelled on his own. I know he stopped by one Friday night after work and showed them the ring. His original plan was to wait a few weeks, but he was so excited that he asked me the next day:)
Aww! I love that he was so excited! And like you, we never discussed it but I was happy to hear he talked to them about it 🙂
Joey didn’t sneak behind my back and ask my parents but a month or more before we drove up to have dinner with my parents and he let them know of his intentions and asked for their approval… while I was still there.
I just had no idea when he planned to actually ask me and was a little surprised when he popped the question the day I got the keys to my house. It had crossed my mind earlier that day but I figured the house itself was enough excitement and that he’d hold off for another day. Now that date is just extra special.
So he asked while you were there with him, in the same room? And you preferred that so he was sneaking behind your back? That’s fun it still left the date he asked as a surprise 🙂
This is an awesome story. Very cool seeing the response from your dad too. Wife and I were together 9 years with two kids when we decided to get married. I don’t think asking was necessary lol.
Ha ha ha! Yeah, probably not, lol!
Haha very sweet! And I love the tool box story! I’m pretty sure Greg proposed then asked if he should go see my dad, which I told him not to. Yes, it may be outdated, but I don’t think a guy can go wrong asking the parents either.
I think my parents have said it would be nice if they asked permission, although that it should be from both of them moreso than just my father. (My mom is the outspoken parent of the two anyway.) However, I don’t think my boyfriend is the asking type…and his sister went to Vegas to get married without telling anyone, so it’s not like it was expected in their household! I do wonder if the tradition is a little bit dated, although I think it is a nice gesture.
I like the idea of asking both the parents, or rather, giving them both the heads up. I can see the draw of eloping though, too!
You guys are an adorable couple!
My husband definitely asked my dad if it was okay. Good thing my dad said yes because he had already bought the ring. 🙂
I have a daughter myself and I really hope that anyone she wants to marry would ask for permission. I think it shows a certain comfort level with the future inlaws and if it’s someone that she has been dating for a long time and I know she really loves, they would know that we would never say no to that. The act of asking is just one of the few ways that I’m really traditional. 🙂
I think its a little old fashioned but a sweet tradition. Its nice to think of it as heads up/mark of respect, more than asking permission.
I’m not sure if I’d really want my kids suitors to ask me..what if i didn’t like them…would I say no, would I have a right to..awkward!
Ha ha ha – yeah, you would be like the guy in the video if you said no. Why you gotta be so rude? 😉
Ahhhh so cute!!!
Hmmm… Mixed feelings on this one. I’m not a fan of many of the wedding traditions stemming from the husband “taking” the wife away from her family. And no one is asking the groom’s family if it’s ok, right??
That said, it is a sweet, romantic tradition. I would feel weird if Paul “asked permission”, but I’m sure my folks would find it endearing. And most Dads I know would have heart failure if they didn’t get to walk their daughter down the aisle! Even my most progressive friends have had their Dad “give them away”.
I like the idea of discussing it with both families, and giving more of a heads up than asking for “permission” 🙂
I was just reading a post about someone who had their mom and dad walk them down the aisle 🙂
That’s what I did on both counts. Gregg & I went to my parents together and told them we were in love and wanted to get married. I had both my mom and my dad walk me down the aisle because I didn’t like the idea that I was being “given” from my father to my husband.
I got permission from the parents before I proposed to my first wife. We were young things back then (I was 23 and she was 20). Her parents wanted to make sure she would finish school, but she never did (they blamed me when we divorced 13 years later).
As for my current wife, both sets of our parents had passed away.
Oh man, that is tough that they blamed you! 🙁
Interesting. I did not ask. Though my wife’s parents live in Guam, so I kind of have an excuse. Though her sister’s husband did ask. I remember Jennie was a bit put off that I hadn’t. But it wasn’t a big deal…I don’t think at least.
Rich asked my Dad- and asked to use my Grandma’s ring! 🙂
Matt didn’t ask my dad though they have a super great relationship. We had been together FOREVER though (dating since 2005…not engaged until 2013), own a house, dogs, investments, etc etc together.
I wasn’t sure if my dad would be “offended” or not (really more about not being in the “know”) and he said he didn’t think twice about not being asked, that he figured we’d get married eventually or even elope and just show up at their house married…haha!
Dave did ask my dad. He also asked a couple that I am really close to – they are like second parents to me and I really value their perspective and input. The conversation with my dad was fine – pretty basic – but the conversation with the couple was really positive for Dave. They were really excited and encouraged him about who he was and our relationship.
Wow! That is cool! I want to hear more about that couple!
This is going to sound terrible, but…I don’t remember. I *think* John asked my parents. (Or at least told them of his plans). I was going to ask him last night but I forgot. Honestly, our engagement was so unexpected for me (the timing – not the asking. we knew we’d get married) that the details escape me a little. Terrible, I know 🙂
Your dad is the cutest. I LOVE that story.
I do like the tradition of getting the blessing of the parents. And I think if there was a concern of the parents saying no, the asking would never happen in the first place anyway…
It’s okay you can’t remember. Steven couldn’t remember a lot of the details of that day… it’s just so long ago. Makes me grateful I have lots of stories written here so I can go back and “remember”!
Ha ha. True! You would probably know they were going to say no 😉
I think it’s disrespectful of the woman to ask her parents (or, especially, just her dad) – but mainly because of the one-sidedness of it. If both parties asked/discussed with both sets of parents, I can totally see it as a being respectful of your elders, wanting their input/confirmation that they think you’re making the right decision, that sort of thing.
But so long as it’s only the bride’s parents who are supposed to give their blessing, or permission, or whatever you want to call it, I think it’s insulting – it’s treating the woman and man as different stages/levels of maturity – he’s an adult, she’s a child who still needs her parents to give their ok to her decisions. (Yes, I have strong feelings about this!)
Fortunately, my fiance (husband in less than 2 weeks!) didn’t have any interest in this tradition, and I told my parents long before he was in the picture that if a guy I was dating asked their permission, they were to tell him no, because if he asked then I wouldn’t be interested in marrying him!
It’s pretty sexist to only discuss it with the female’s parent’s and not her partner’s (or one set of parents, either way). But I think if the man proposes (which still seems to be more traditional) he would maybe already have talked about it with his own parents… so maybe he is talking to the bride’s parents second? It is nice, to discuss it with both together, as you said. I wonder how often that happens, since even when getting married is discussed… the proposal is sometimes still a surprise. And it would feel weird to discuss before the proposal! Hee hee, to me, at least.
That is exciting you are getting married so soon! 🙂
But, even if the man talks to his parents – that’s still putting him in a different position than the woman, and puts him in control of the entire situation. If it’s up to the man to make sure that the woman’s parents are on board with him joining their family and show respect for the elders in his new family – shouldn’t it be on the woman to make sure that the man’s parents are on board with her joining his family? It bothers me that it seems to put the man on a level playing field with the woman’s parents, rather than with the woman herself who should be an equal partner with him.
I don’t mean to pimp out my blog in your comments, but if you’re interested, I’ve been doing a series of posts about stuff like this (click on the “wedding crap” tag). I’ve only done a couple posts so far, but hope to do more once I have a bit more free time after the wedding.
Oh, and I meant to comment about that song: I have a bad habit of sort of starting to sing along with songs once I’ve heard them a lot, as I sort of just absorb the words from hearing them over and over. Without necessarily paying attention to what the words are that I’m learning. So I was in the middle of singing along to that song and all of sudden it hit me what the song was about, oh crap! Very catchy song, but as you might surmise from my comments here, the lyrics tell a story I’m not thrilled about!
You know, I think a lot of men who ask for permission. I just think it’s respectful and a nice gesture. Especially in our culture! I really, really hope my future husband asks my mom for her blessing because it would just make me happy that he wanted her to “approve” of our wedding. (Plus, let’s just say my mom has PROBLEMS with her daughter-in-law and I want her SON-in-law to be totally different… ha…)
I think it’s very rare a parent would say no? I mean, I think you should WANT your future husband to get along with your family (if you’re close to them, that is!) and they would give their blessing without issue.
I think it must be rare to hear no, too. I can’t imagine having such a bad relationship with your in-laws that that would be the case! I hope it’s not that bad with your SIL and your mom 😉
The Future Mr Mo did not ask my dad. But we’re pretty unconventional about our relationship in general, so that’s not surprising. And my dad wasn’t mad at all – he was impressed that my man got down on one knee and had a ring waiting, because apparently Dad didn’t do that for my mom, haha.
Aww, how did your dad propose, then?
I asked. Katie’s dad knew it was coming. Her mom hid away because she said she’d be too emotional if she was there when I asked.
AH, your dad’s story is the freaking cutest. AHHHHH, losing it!
The idea of asking for permission really bugs me, but I can see how people consider it a courtesy and a nice thing to do to involve the family. My parents were adamantly like “Nope, why would someone ask my permission to marry you???” and I think they would be a bit put-off by it. But that’s how they roll; they got married in a courthouse to celebrate Nixon resigning.
I love that your parents got married in a courthouse to celebrate Nixon resigning. They sound awesome.
lol. I think it’s sweet when they do ask.
My BIL tried to ask for my sisters hand in marriage via phone call but he was on the internet. LOL.
And my mom was sick when my husband and I got engaged so he never asked. My Dad says, ” we were grown women nobody had to ask him anything.” alrightie then.