Are you too needy?
I stumbled across this article “I’m OK, You’re Needy” (pdf here) in the WSJ, and was scared to read it, thinking it would tell me I’m too needy – for attention. I mean, #1 neediness sign – I have a blog. Derp. #2 sign, I am constantly craving interaction and reaching out to people.
But, phew, the article focused on a different type of neediness. So I am off the hook. For now. The article was about a married couple where one spouse didn’t want the other spouse to live a life outside of their needs. Like, one spouse waking up the other because they couldn’t sleep, interrupting the other spouse on the phone, not wanting them to leave to see friends… That is more than being needy for attention. That is expecting someone else to put your needs first, over their own.
Yeah. I don’t do that – put anyone’s needs in front of mine.* Or expect anyone else to put my needs first. I am mostly in charge of making sure those are met.
The part of the article that interested me the most was when they hypothesized what makes someone needy (in this way). Surprise, surprise, it all goes back to how you were raised:
But the way we express our needs, and how often, is mostly determined by personality and something psychologists refer to as our “attachment system.” Though partly genetic, our lifelong attachment style is largely a result of how we as young children learned to relate to our parents.
There are three basic types—secure, anxious and avoidant. Secure people are warm and loving and most likely were raised by a consistently caring and responsive caregiver. Avoidant people, whom psychologists also call “dismissive,” try to minimize closeness and often were raised in an atmosphere where neediness and insecurity weren’t tolerated.
Anxious people are the ones who typically are seen as needy. They worry about whether their partner loves them, and they most likely had parents who were inconsistently nurturing. They often are emotionally overwhelmed, says Julie Hanks, a licensed clinical social worker in Salt Lake City. “Or they might ignore, deny or minimize their needs, and then look to others to fill their emotional void in manipulative or indirect ways.”
Super, super, interesting. While I consider myself a highly anxious person, I don’t think I fit in to the anxious category when it comes to attachment system style.
Truthfully, I don’t have much more to say about this, other than to ask you your opinion. I probably have the opposite problem – I bug people so much they want me to leave them alone. “Another email from Kim?! Geesh! Shouldn’t she be studying… or running… or working… or something?!”
Which attachment style do you think you have?
When you hear the word “needy” do you automatically think “needy for attention,” like I did?
*And that is one of the reasons I think I would be a horrible mother.
Themocracy
I never want you to leave me alone! Email away lady!
Interesting article. Sadly, I know some couples where one person is the ‘needy’ one. We just saw our best friend from college over the 4th of July who we had’t seen in a couple years. We wanted to hang out with him (and his wife) one night but his parents weren’t available to watch their kiddo – so we didn’t get to hang out. You’d think his wife would have offered to take the kid so he could hang out with his friends (she’s preggo too, so it’s not like she wanted to party) but she’s too needy to let him go on his own. Lame! Thats not the only instance of her doing something like that, just the most recent. It also makes me mad that he gives in to her…so are needy people needy because someone allows them to be? hmmm
As for me, I think I’m somewhere between secure and avoidant…
Yay!
Aww man, that sucks! I have heard stories like that from other people. So, she just wants him home… because she does? It’s just so hard for me to fathom, because I am all “get out of the house and go do things!” to Steven.
Interesting stuff. I am a very independent person and basically push people away (gently of course) who try to give me extra attention or focus on me (I guess that is labelled secure here?). This anxious need describes one of my good friends who I do think is needy in that she always needs to tell me the latest drama of their lives and then expect attention from it. Honestly, it is really tiring to have to deal with her every insecurity, but I do realize we are different people and she needs something in her life that I guess I am lucky enough to have. I don’t know…this is getting too deep and psychological for me. I hated psychology classes!
And to clarify (so I don’t sound too overly secure), I have plenty of insecurities! I just try to find other outlets for them than by being dramatic. I find running (for me at least) gives me an inner peace of dealing with insecurities.
LOL! Sorry to make you think so deeply! 😛
Isn’t it interesting, though, reading this then thinking about the people you know, like it? And like you said, you found another way to deal. Some people LOVE to talk drama. I find it draining, too.
I feel as though that article left out a lot of other kinds of interactions. Such as people who require a lot of physical interaction (hugging, etc) versus people who don’t. And they never really addressed the first example of the author texting her friend over and over again. I wanted more examples of whether or not avoidant and secure people can be seen as “needy”.
Anyway, I suppose one of the questions of the article (is neediness a bad thing) is answered if you look at whether or not your requests for “help” (as the article put it) are seen as annoying by the other person. I try to be really self-sufficient but sometimes I think that actually backfires! When I ask for help sometimes I think people are reluctant to give it to me because they think I should be able to do it on my own. So, uh, not being needy isn’t the best either!
Oh yeah. This article is lacking big time. A lot of their articles are. Ha! But I like to use them for conversation starters.
I would be interested to hear more about those types of need. Especially since I am someone who “over” contacts people!
Do you find that situation at work or outside of work too? I have been in situations where I don’t want to help someone because I think they CAN do it, and are being lazy. But I know that is not what you meant!
For myself, “Anxious moving towards Secure”? Weird thing is I never used to be “Anxious” in that way. Which makes me think one’s current situation, which can impact self-esteem and exacerbate underlying issues, also affects how needy a person acts. After being battered by a nasty divorce then an extended period of unemployment, I can honestly say it changes you!
Yes, I think “needy” is labelled as needing attention. But I believe there are many more ways to be “needy”. Some people need to be in control of his/her environment, some need to stay _out_ of the spotlight, some people seem to need constant drama, etc.
Interesting topic!
I’m definitely avoidant, which comes with it’s own problems, but I am glad that I can be comfortable with my partner doing things separate – in fact, I like that we have some independence!
Ahhh, I always read descriptions like that and think that I am the “worst” one (so in this case, the anxious type).
I definitely equate “needy” with “needing attention/validation,” and I always think of it has a bad way to be.