What are the different versions of your personality?
Awhile ago I mentioned that I wanted to write a post about the different versions of our personality that we may take on depending on who we’re around. I was thinking about it after I ran the Chicago Women’s Half with Anne, because Anne and I can be super sarcastic together*, and I am not that sarcastic with anyone else**. And honestly, I think if was that sarcastic with most others, it wouldn’t come off right. People would probably think I am a jerk!***
So why do I act that way around Anne?
Well, duh, because it’s fun to be sarcastic and ridiculous and poke fun at things (and each other) and because Anne gives me cues that this is okay. I read off of her personality and react accordingly.
Goofing around with Anne and Marlene after class on Monday
Of course, I could go in to complete mind trip mode and ponder, “Well, what if Anne is just reading off of my personality and neither of us are being genuine and we are just stuck in a giant loop, ahhhh!” but it’s not that complicated. And we aren’t that fake. Heh.
So. Back to the point. I do act different depending on who I am around. I am inherently very goofy/silly, with a sarcastic sense of humor and a snarky side. I am friendly****, open and LOUD. But I definitely don’t act that way around everyone. I mean, I would prefer to, but I just don’t think that would always jive.
There are people who have told me they think I am nice and positive (gasp), and that definitely affects how I act around them. I want to keep tricking them for as long as possible!***** So they don’t really get as much of my snarky side.
Some people I know are super serious a lot more serious than me. So I usually quiet down my goofy side until I get a hint that they would understand it. Then I let it out in small doses.
Some people… sigh. With some people, it just seems to be a waste to spend any time sharing personal information about yourself with them. They just don’t care (despite being in a role in your life where you think they would… and despite you showing interest in them). I am usually quieter around these people. Much more guarded.
Some people never say anything bad about anyone else, so I feel like I can’t discuss a frustrating relationship situation, because it makes me look judgmental. Oops. I am judgemental (like everyone else?). I am probably just trying to supress that.
And with some people, I feel so comfortable around them, that I am 100% myself all the time, and almost never feel bad about it. These tend to be the people in my life who (among other things) I count on to call me out on my crap, who I feel comfortable calling them out on theirs, and who I feel I can be completely open about my feelings with. Last week I was feeling left out and weird about two of my close friends hanging out. And for no real reason. We all get along great, we do stuff together or break off in a pair all the time. And I am not the jealous/FOMO type. Like… at all. But the feeling was there. And I didn’t like it. So I told one of them about it. And we talked about how silly it is, but that you sometimes you just have that feeling. And I felt fine, after I said something. That made me really grateful I have (a lot of) people in my life with whom I can be so honest/my true self!
Wow. This is really long. And probably makes no sense.
So tell me, what are the different versions of your personality? Does it bother you when you feel like you have to supress your innate personality?
Disclaimer! There are a lot more situations that I could include to explain this. And I could go a lot more in depth with the ones I provided. But yeah. You need to get on with your day.
*We have real convos from time to time, too.
**Except, as I mentioned in the previous post, my husband’s brother.
***This has been confirmed.
****Most of the time.
*****Trying to be funny.
Themocracy
I have multiple pyramids of personalities, depending on the person I interact with. One pyramid is the wildly inappropriate one, filled with bad jokes and innuendos. This group is usually guys and my geekier friends.
The other is most everyone else, I try to find people’s comfort areas and interested and not offend them with my other bombastic personality that pushes those boundaries. ANd i try not to sound like an annoying runner. I sometimes throw them a mild joke to see if they take the bait and enter the cool club!
Then there is the parent zone – for meeting other new parents. Never know how that will work out!
LOL! The Cool Club!
I think I am perputally stuck in the wildly inappropriate club. Which is probably why I have to tone down so much.
Gah! I never even thought about the parent zone! What is that like?!
Great, now everyone knows my big secret 😉
I don’t know how anyone could fake that much sarcasm. That has to be genuine.
Like you, I’m always at least a little sarcastic, and then as I get to know someone, I just keep laying it on to see how far I can go. Pretty much all of my friends are at least somewhat sarcastic too, so they don’t seem to mind. I had some rough patches as a teen, and my dad and brother helped me see that humor, sarcasm and even mockery are all really great coping mechanisms (for us at least – I realize it may not be the best for everyone). So it just kind of became a big part of my personality. I do reign it in sometimes, depending on who I’m with. I’m somewhat reserved with most people at work, though most of my little team totally gets me, so I can be myself with them. Some members of my family don’t always get it, so I hold back. Sometimes it bothers me that they don’t understand, but again, I realize that it’s not for everyone.
I feel like I should say I am sorry that you developed your sarcasm and sense of humor to cope with a-holes, but really, I love that about you. So I wonder how you would be different, had you not 😉
I was just talking to a friend about how it can be a bummer when family doesn’t “get” you. Like… we spent so much of those first 18 years together… why don’t you get me anymore?! LOL
Nah, nothing to be sorry about – it’s good to have a thick skin! I think a lot of funny people (because obviously I think of myself as one) have similar experiences early in life, and just use humor to deflect. Before that I was really quiet, shy and reserved. Nothing wrong with that, but I felt like I didn’t have much to offer anyone in terms of conversation. And I do still revert to that in situations where I don’t feel like I can be a smartass.
I think I’ve said that exact phrase to my mom before LOL. Every now and then she thinks I’m being serious about something, and obviously I’m not.
Yes, yes, yes! I know you and I have talked about this a little bit offline. Mostly it comes from just knowing people long enough/well enough to know I can be 100% myself.
At work, I feel like I sometimes change my personality 10 times a day depending on the manager or candidate I am talking to. Some of my hiring managers are very cool and jokey, and others are super buttoned up and professional. I learn very quickly who I can be relaxed around.
I’m still super intimidated by P’s sister. She is very sweet, but a lot more introverted and definitely the alpha female of that family. I usually take more of an alpha role, but around her I always defer and am super duper nice because the last thing I want is for her to dislike me!
Also, I used super three times there which means today I am apparently in bubbly upbeat Diane mode. 🙂
Yes – you get it exactly! Do you think that is kind of exhausting to have your day be like that? Or kind of fun? 🙂
I wonder what P’s sis would think if she knew that! She probably is thinking how she wants you to like her! 🙂
I totally have different…volumes? of myself. Not everyone can take me at 11. 🙂
Sometimes I leave strength class (especially if I go on my not regular day or if there are Wednesday guests) wondering if people wonder what the hell is wrong with me haha! But when I am working out hard physically, I have a tough time turning my volume down.
There are definitely people and situations that only see me at maybe 5. And while I feel it’s for the best, and necessary, I find it exhausting reigning myself in like that. It wears me out. I like me better at 11.
Also, as I get older, I turn it down less and less. My IDGAF is increasing with age, it seems. Not sure if that is good or bad, but it’s true.
I like how you call it volumes! Oh gosh. I am very obnoxious at strength class. Which is probably how I am in real life. We all get along so well… I wonder if it would be the same if we all went somewhere and acted like adults?
My mom was telling us how when she turned 50 it was all IDGAF and she is the nicest person I know. But I think she was telling the truth – I could notice a change!
(Is it bad that I feel that way now? I think… no)
I can totally relate to this. With certain friends, I am as goofy as can be. With others, I can be somewhat quiet at times. I think you hit the nail on the head – other people give us cues in regards to how we act. I think a lot of it, too, is comfort level. The more time you spend with that person, the less you’ll worry about being a certain version of yourself. Great post, Kim!
I wrote this same post on Tuesday! For me it is both who I am with and where I am. When I am with my family at my Mom’s, I am very open and cheerful and talkative. And I let my temper come out more. At work, I am a lot quieter and try to be very professional (I feel like because I am both young and a woman, I have to work harder to gain respect). I have some friends with whom I am very snarky and sarcastic because they are too, and others with whom I try to withold that side of my personality.
Ahh! I need to check out your post 🙂 I am happy you said that – I meant to mention in my post that my family sees 100% of me, including my worst sides.
Yep- no one sees my cranky, inpatient, irrationally angry side like my family. Lucky them!
I think it’s important to read other people and respond accordingly so you don’t make them feel uncomfortable. Then gradually working some of your quirkiness/sarcasticness/snarkiness (all words, I’m sure) into things to see how they react. I definitely do this.
Sometimes I can be overwhelmed with people if I’m not used to their personalities and it can cause me to be shy and reserved.
Great post! I think it just all comes back to adapting to your sorroundings. I mean if you’re around someone who is SUPER shy you don’t want to be loud and obnoxious bc you know that person will be uncomfortable. I dunno I think it’s interesting the different person we all become around different people…
I tend to be more reserved at work and more fun and loud outside of work. I am always shy and quiet around new people or people I dont know. I also tend to watch what I saw around some people because I don’t know how they feel about certain things. Only my best friend and my sister in law know all about my life – they are the only ones I feel comfortable with sharing my deepest problems, worries, etc. I am a pretty private person most of the time. I share things but usually just basic stuff.
If I’m in a situation where I feel like I have some expertise I tend to be more outgoing and talkative and joke-y. If I’m feeling self-conscious then I tend to become very introverted and don’t talk to anyone. Also, I’m actually pretty reserved around my family! They don’t to see all of me. Only my husband and my close friends get to see that!
You know, to be honest I think I’m about the same with everyone I’m around. But, I will say that sometimes I’m more quiet around people I don’t know well or in a big group.
I have found that I am more and more reserved as V gets older.
GREAT post topic. I find that it’s rare to meet people who can embody total personality consistency. For me, I am definitely more guarded with coworkers, my in-law family, and most of Adam’s friends. I’m also quieter or more chatty depending on which friends I am with and what kind of interests/focuses they have versus me. I’ve seen Adam’s personality change, too, depending on who he is around (e.g. professional Adam, goofy Adam, family Adam). This brings up a great question, though, which is – is it a good thing to be able to tailor your personality to various situations? Or is it better to be really consistent?!?!?
Yes! That is exactly the question! I think it’s good, for me. As my personality can be a bit over the top. What do you think?
Interesting you mention watching Adam’s personality change… I notice it in Steven too! He is SO funny when he is with me or with his close friends! He is more quiet around people he doesn’t know well.
After we had been dating for a bit (and were serious), Robert told me that he was surprised to find out that I had a “soft” side. Apparently (and maybe this is just to guys), I come off as a bit bitchy. I always find that kind of funny … that he LIKED that I was kind of bitchy. I guess he likes that I have a soft side too.
I just recently had the SAME thing happen to me with 2 of my friends. The 3 of us always hang out together, and then I found out via FB that they went on an overnight girls trip to celebrate the others birthday- without even telling me! Yea, that hurt. I did mention it to one of them and she got all pissy and defensive and thought I was being possesive , blah blah.
So, back to the point- I do feel like I’m pretty much the same around everyone. Of course the more I get to know you, the more comfortable I feel and the more I can open up and truly be myself!
Aww, that is a bummer! Are things better now? With my friends, we would either hang out the three of us OR two of us, so they weren’t leaving me out on purpose, and they told me about their plans before. I was just feeling mopey and sad that day. Ha ha.
Yea, things are better. Sometimes you do just need to talk things out!
Stop making me think so much. It makes my head hurt!
I’ve been contemplating this topic lately as I get a bit nervous for HTC. I feel like there’s a bunch of cool girls in my van and I’m obviously not the cool girl. I’m a bit anxious that I might be too, well, me and offend them and be kicked out on a random road in Oregon. I have no idea why I think the real me is offensive. It wouldn’t have anything to do at all with sarcasm, condescension or my tendency to be judgmental. Plus, I’m the only one in the van with a kid and I don’t want to be all, like, “My son peed on the potty this morning and he picked an Elmo sticker!”
The same also goes for teaching classes – how you can you be? You want to be engaging and fun without being phony. Sometimes when I don’t get response I expect during a class (read: Piloxing) I freak that they hate me and are annoyed and I clam up. Stupid.
I think I have a warming up/test period with people but end up being myself no matter what.
I think in the HTC situation I would really feel like I (personally) had to read everyone to see how much of me, I could be (sadly?). At least you have their blogs now to do research! And they will like the Miles talk.
Gosh. I would love to post about who I am when I am teaching class. Not sure that would be appropriate. My style is definitely ME, but there was one day (4/15) when I was just not in the mood to be peppy. Sometimes that is hard. And yeah, when you aren’t getting the feedback (FEEDBACK!!!) you expect, you start to wonder!
This is one reason that I didn’t want to have a big wedding and worry about all our different friends and family meeting and having to interact at a reception. I think I have so many different parts of my personality, and I think different friendships I have reflect each part more than others. So I was worried that friends who I am snarky with would be uncomfortable around other “types” of friends. Actually, writing this out sounds pretty stupid, and I guess I”m always goofy and cynical. So maybe I shouldn’t have worried after all….