Situational friendships
Looking through photos from our September 2007 wedding, and selecting a few prints for my mom’s mom***, I thought “Holy crap – do I even talk to half of these people any more?!”
As common as that is – to be situationally close to someone – it still makes me feel a bit guilty about those people no longer being in my life.
Xaarlin shared a blog post with me the other day, where the blogger was lamenting the fact that her childhood (through high school) bestie and her sort of didn’t click like they used to, after they went to college and had completely different experiences, and became quite different people, themselves.
This is jaded, but when I was reading that, I was thinking “Isn’t that common? Don’t people naturally move in and out of friendships as they go through life?”
Are you very close with anyone you “grew up” with? Have you faded out of any “situational” friendships?
I forget that it is possible to maintain close ties with friends from youth. Steven has a cool group of guy friends that he has known since kindergarten, and they more or less keep in touch. Ha ha – I think it might just be me who has failed at this.
I’ve also failed to maintain very close ties with college friends* (other than Facebook). I look at those wedding photos and think of what a struggle it was for me to find bridesmaids**. Is that sad, or what?!
Anyway. I think about this in relationship to my friendships now. How would the “local” friendships change if I moved to another state and didn’t see them as often? Will they become a situational friendship of the past?
I actually think they wouldn’t. I am a lot closer with people now, and keeping good people in my life is important to me, so I (would) work hard… to make it work.
The interesting thing is that friendships formed via blogs seem to last the longest for me, since the relationship formed virtually, I know it can be maintained virtually, if need be!
*But… I was not SUPER close with anyone, so I think it would be different had I had a college “bestie.”
**The strange thing is, now I think I would have a hard time deciding who to ask, lest I wanted a party of 10+ standing up with me!
***I couldn’t decide so I sent her these three:
Themocracy
I keep in touch with HS friends via fb, but that’s about it. Most of my college friends I’ve lost contact with (but that was my own fault for hiding away post-divorce).
I am blessed to have such good friends now. Some of it’s blogging, and some of it’s running, and some of it’s just where I am in life now (and that I married a guy with a great group of friends haha!)
Beautiful wedding pics!! I’ve never been good at friendships. No “beastie” for me. I am definitely a floater. We decided to have our parents stand up for us at our wedding, the dad’s for Mick and the Mom’s for me. It was a good decision b/c I don’t speak with anyone who I would have asked to stand up for me. Things change. People change. Time changes “almost” everything.
Thank you 🙂
That is so cool you had your parents stand up with you! 🙂
I moved around a lot as as kid. I have a few Facebook friends from high school, maybe one or two from middle school. I really only stay in contact with college friends, though.
My then-best friend completely shut me out when we went to college and that sort of jaded my desire to hang onto other high school friendships. I have done it; my best friend and I actually went to high school together, but she used to be closer to my husband oddly – we’re much closer now though. We have a few friends we do maintain close contact with; my husband’s best friend has been his best friend his entire life, and his other best friend was just over for dinner last night along with a couple other high school friends we are still friends with. But most of high school I was happy to leave behind.
My other big situational is work and through FB I’ve actually maintained contact with a lot of them, but I’m fairly shy so don’t tend to form really close friend ships – the ones I do tend to stick through hell and high water; my best friend lives in Indiana right now so we only see each other every few weeks.
This is a really interesting topic and something I think about a lot. I talk to 1-2 people from my high school regularly and maybe 2-3 people from college which is weird because I had a lot of “close” friends in college. I think you learn a lot about friendships as you grow up and move around and I think that the friends that stick around are your true close friends and others fade away as life changes(within reason of course).
I also think that the friendships we make outside of school and work are more likely to last just due to the fact that they’re not relationships of convenience. You don’t have to see these friends everyday so there’s some level of effort involved and if we’re making an effort it’s most likely because we value the friendship.
Ahh, yes! They are more of convenience than situational. That is exactly it. And exactly it with the no work/school friends and effort, too. I am always surprised when people are SOCLOSE with their work buds! But I purposefully try to keep that separate.
I think that’s pretty normal, though Bob has that same group of dudes that he’s known forever. I wonder why it’s easier for them to maintain friendships over such a long time? Not only have some friendships from my youth faded, I’m also finding the opposite – people that I wasn’t too close with as a kid, or maybe didn’t have much in common with, are now people that I’d probably be friends with. I have a FB friend that I’ve known since kindergarten, and we kind of hated each other as kids (she was snotty, and I was an easy target), but we have SO much in common now! She lives on the East coast, but I think if we lived in the same city, we could be really good friends. It’s funny how people evolve.
I also think that maybe as we get older and have less free time we’re a little pickier about who we hang out with? So sure, someone you saw everyday in high school was a good friend when it was so easy to spend time together, but now that you both have different lives, schedules, etc., who do you want to make time for?
Ha! That is really interesting – I wonder who I would be friends with now, that I wasn’t in the past. And basically… you are saying how snotty YOU are now? Just kidding! 😉
Oh gosh. Yes. Definitely pickier. I would LOVE to write a post about that. But won’t. Maybe you can 😉 hee hee hee
Yes. I think it’s totes normal for people to come into and out of your life… I was thinking about this in terms of a marriage relationship and came to the conclusion that opposites don’t attract. I feel it would be the same for friendly relationships too. My bestest friends right now, I’ve known less than 5 years… We are all at similar places in our lives and have had similar life experiences to shape us- as well as having hobbies in common. My old BFF of 26 years and I don’t communicate at all now. And with each stage of life we drifted more and more apart… Not to say that if we got together tomorrow we wouldn’t have a blast together- but I don’t share my thoughts with her and I’m not her #1… And I’m ok with that. I’ve had other friends who I realize now- basically helped me through a tough situation- then we grew apart- I’d probably not be friends with this particular girl now if we met for the first time today- because our lives are so different. And with all these (and other) lost friendships, I’m not sad. It takes work on both sides to make a relationship work- why would it be any different for friends vs marriage?
TOTES!
Very interesting point re: opposites DON’T attract. This is not what you were getting at, but that makes me think back to how blogging sometimes misguides me in to thinking my opinion is common, as most people are bound to agree with it in the comments, or not comment at all. So if we are friends with people with similar view points, does that sort of do the same thing… just kind of reinforces a group’s values. LOL. Yeah. This probably makes no sense.
I think friendships grow and change as we grow and change. If I look at my wedding photos, two were family so they have to still like me, one is my BFF and the other is a friend whom I keep in touch with but I’m no longer close. Our lifestyles just don’t mesh – I’m old, boring and tied to a child who doesn’t want me in his room. She’s single, travels a lot for work and doesn’t eat dinner till I go to bed.
I had my sister in laws in my wedding and my friend from college and my MOH was my friend from high school. My friend from high school is the only one I see and talk to on a regular basis (from HS). I never had a best friend (for real) until I met my running buddy. She is the only person who has really been a friend and she is the only one who i share all my life with. I choose not to share with many of my other friends because I don’t feel they deserve to know everything about me because they seem to busy with themselves and sometimes only make time for me when they want to. I don’t think you need a ton of friends. I think you need just a few good ones. These past few months have taught me that – I have learned who my real friends are and who I really want in my life.
Very very true – only put the time and effort in to the relationships that matter! That is another interesting point – how much you share with someone depending on how much they, well, seem to care. I definitely have people I am less open with, which is really hard for me, because I kind of put it all out there, but it’s hurt me in the past!
That is so great that you have found a wonderful friend in your running buddy! When is she due, again?
I have friends from high school still but we went through periods of not being close. I only know some elementary school chums because we are connected on Facebook. I agree that it sometimes feels easier to stay connected to blogger friends- maybe because we update each other on our lives via our posts? Blogging has changed so much in the last few years, I’ve drifted from some old blogging friends. Some I stay connected to via social media.
Well, that is interesting! I didn’t even think about friendships sort of waning in and out.
And back to our convo the other day… it seems easier to stay in touch with the bloggers who are still sharing stories about their lives 🙂
I have a bunch of close friends back east where time sort of freezes while I’m gone. While we don’t communicate a lot, we still reconnect fast on my yearly visit. With that, I haven’t really rebuilt that base here in Chicago. Grad school friends move away, similar situation. Right now its “rebuilding team stage” with the kid in the picture!
Kinda sad actually, but the family unit is great 🙂
It is funny you say this, because in the past, people have told me they have a hard time meeting other people because they don’t have a kid… they are saying having a good kid is a good way to meet other parents! I know nothing about that, obviously. I find it interesting, though! I think you will find those friends! And that is awesome you still have that close group back east! 🙂
Interesting questions you pose in this post, Kim. I’ve actually been pondering some related questions lately – and hope to pull my thoughts together in a post soon (stay tuned!). But, to answer your questions more generically, I think there is a very clear difference between (most) guys and (most) girls regarding our friendships. One thing I have noticed over the years is guys more easily stay friends after they leave high school, college, their hometown, etc. But, they don’t stay in particularly close touch once they leave … a random call or email here and there, sure, but contact is far from consistent … yet, they seem to fall right back in place the next time they get together. Women, on the other hand, need the validation of frequent contact … so, once we stop communicating on a regular basis with our friends, we define that as moving on … and should we ever see each other again, it’s more difficult for us to feel genuinely connected like we used to.
That is so true. At least in our home – I keep in touch with people regularly, and Steven doesn’t. I like the daily interaction with friends. It makes me feel good. I probably could pick it right back up, like he does, but I haven’t tried it. LOL!
I have very few connections with friends from high school and before. I have a couple of people from California that I was close to that I am still in close contact with. I am someone who has a small number of close friends these days and would like to think I would work to keep those friendships. I do completely agree that people move in and out of your life. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I would have struggled to find bridesmaids. None of my super close friends even flew out for the wedding. 🙁 Luckily I have a lot of sisters that I am freakishly close with! It was perfect having sisters only up there with me.
That is awesome you are so close with your sisters!!! 🙂
I think about this a lot! I made zero friends in college so there’s that, my best friend is still my best friend from high school and I’m still close with 3 other girls from my high school that I keep in touch with on a regular basis.
I agree with linds- it’s easier to keep in touch with people who aren’t apart of your work or school exp, because you built a friendship based on other factors so the friendship seems more ‘real’ if that makes sense.
sometimes I sit back and think about how fortunate I am to have made so amazing friends here, it’s amazing what blogging can do 🙂
My friendships have changed over time for sure, but I think that’s pretty normal. I am still very close to two high school friends, but none of my college friends!
My core group of friends is, for the most part, my same group of friends from high school. I’m also still very close friends with my childhood best friend. I’m also not very good at making “situational friends” because I’m really pretty shy and itroverted.
To be honest, I think the friendships that are most lasting are the ones that DO change. I’m still very close with most of my high school friends, but we’ve all struck out on our own at some point. We’ve all made other friends, dated/ married people outside of the group, moved to other states for a while, dropped off the face of the earth for a bit, etc. We’ve all learned how to be ourselves outside of each other and learned how we still fit together as a group despite growing up.
On the contrary, I haven’t spoken to my best friend from high school and college since out “break up” over a year. We each changed and subsequently grew apart and didn’t know how/ weren’t willing to change our friendship accordingly. We kept trying to hold on to what we had which just created more hurt and resentment until eventually it was too much to just move past.
I think when you’re 14, 15, etc, it doesn’t matter if your friends want kids or what career they want or if they are responsible people who don’t drive you nuts. As you get older, though, I think that people tend to want to be with others who are similar and those aspects start to matter. My best friend from high school and I are friends on Facebook but if we weren’t I bet we’d just be Christmas card friends. She has two kids and moved somewhere where it wasn’t easy for me to visit. She made her own friends there and that’s awesome. I don’t expect her to hang onto me. I’ve made my own friends, too! I think it’s true that seeing people on a regular basis makes it easier to stay close friends. It is A LOT of work to stay friends with people when they move! I can be done but it’s not easy! Especially if the other person isn’t as interested in communicating back.
Since we move around a lot, I try to stay close with friends using media: email, FB etc. I think I lost one of my dearest friends this week because I no longer practice the religion we once shared. I thought our friendship would outweigh changes in perspectives, especially as we age and change. I was wrong. I am pretty lucky to be surrounded by awesome people now, and I hope that our friendships will last as we take on more travel adventures.
Oh gosh. Are you pretty bummed about that?
I am even MORE excited to stay in touch with you so I can live vicariously through your travels! LOL! 🙂
I tried to find the original source so I’d have an accurate/actual study for you, but the internet has failed me. Anyway, on the Today Show about 2 weeks ago there was a short segment about how most people have little to no contact with the majority of their wedding party. (46% were still friends with less than half of the party, 23% were friends with more than half the wedding party, the rest – I believe – were friends with NONE of their wedding party.)
Almost everyone on the ‘expert’ panel agreed and said they weren’t friends with a lot of their wedding parties either. I thought it was a really depressing statistic, but I suppose it makes sense for people who get married really young and then grow up / move / change as people. I figured people included family in their wedding parties frequently too, so I hope they’re still friends!
Oh my gosh! That is so interesting! And it does make sense if you get married young (as I sort of did, at 23)! Two of my bridesmaids were family, so I am obviously still in touch with them, lol! 🙂
I only had one bridesmaid and I hope we stay friends for a long, long time!
I am actually still close with A LOT of people who I have known since I was a teenager or younger. Genevieve (who I ran the Chicago Women’s 5K with) and I have known each other since like kindergarten or younger. I’ve also known Vera (Coach) since kindergarten. Vera and I met our friend Scott in junior high and became really close in high school. When I was a freshman in high school, I met Melissa, who is now married to my oldest brother Mark, and also met Paula, who is now married to my husband’s best friend (who he met in college). I actually met my husband when I was 15. I have a couple college friends (Jessica and Sarah) who I don’t see very often, but we keep in touch and occasionally I visit them (they both live in Detroit, even though we all went to college in Chicago).
Maybe this means that I haven’t really changed much over the years? Nor have my friends? Or we all grew up and still maintained the same shared interests and values?
But, I know what you mean about situational friends. I do have a lot of friends who I met when I was a child or in high school, who I still see from time to time (they still live in the area), but don’t really feel close to at all, in fact it’s awkward, but we still have mutual friends, or we still hang out due to feeling obligated. But we’ve definitely grown apart.
I think that is SO cool! Especially how some friends married in to the family! Hee hee. 🙂
I have one HS friend that I’m not super close with but when we do talk/hang out, it’s like no time has passed. I’m still close with one of the girls I was close with in college but the girl I called my best friend in college has earned more of a back burner status (we still stay in contact but she can be frustrating and breaks plans often so it’s tough to maintain… she thrives on situational friends).
Back burner status! Hee hee! Haven’t heard that one before. I can see why she is there though 😉
I think I’m the odd girl out too! I still have the same best friends from elementary school, middle school, high school and college. They all say I’m exactly the same- only slightly weirder! So maybe that’s a good thing???
Ha ha ha! I like weird!!! 🙂
This is something I have confronted since I moved back to Maine. I reconnected with some of my high school friends. With some it is like we were never apart and with others I can’t believe we were ever friends. I used to try to hold on to every friendship I ever had, and would be upset if a friendship faded away. But I have finally realized that it isn’t anything wrong with me, people just grow and change.
Aww, I LOVE the wedding photos! I actually think I’m closer to my high school friends than I am my college friends, so maybe I’m some sort of freak or something. My bestie is my BFF from high school and I just feel like she understands me better than almost anyone. I also have several good friends from grad school, though, so maybe it just depends on who you’re surrounded by.
Aww, thanks!
And you are not a freak! It’s maybe just more rare? Maybe not! Either way, it’s awesome to have a close friend, no matter where you found them, lol!
I have one friend from high school that I still consider a close friend–like I could still call her up just to chat. We don’t get to talk much but we always make an effort to see each other. I think this is a little bit ironic since I am still dating the same person I was then, but don’t have any of the same friends. On the contrary, Matt still has a great group of friend that he grew up with and they hang out together all the time. He also has college friends he gets to see a lot. I have 2 friends from college that I talk to regularly and a handful of others I would consider close friends but we don’t talk much anymore.
Matt once told me he had 9 (9!) guys that he would want in his wedding. I told him he better find someone else to marry since I only want 3.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just a really lazy friend and if I should put more time into old friendships or if I should just let them go and accept that they’ve run their course. Eh, now I am going to go think about my friendships.
LOL! Sorry to make you think about it? 😉 It’s just hard, especially when you move from IA to Chicagoland. Believe me, I can relate to THAT!
This post hit home for me. I left just a few weeks after graduating high school, and although tried to keep in touch the friendships faded with time. My Air Force friendships (close ones) have held strong, and it takes work, but is so worth it.
That is great that you have been able to keep those going! 🙂
I don’t really have a best friend. My former best friend was killed in a motorcycle accident about 4 years ago. My heart hasn’t been the same since.
Aww, I’m sorry to hear that 🙁
Sometimes, I feel like we are the same person! I have only kept up with college/high school friends through Facebook and don’t have a group of best friends and never really have. A I changed throughout my life, my friends did too. I wish I had done a better job of keeping up with people, but I have a bad habit of getting too wrapped up in life (poor excuse, I know) and am bad at maintaining friendships. My bridesmaids were just my sisters 😉
You look beautiful in your photos!! Love it 🙂
I actually prepare myself, which usually means admitting, that I won’t stay in touch with a lot of people that I am currently friends with when I know that I’ll move. It’s just hard when I don’t see them every day. Still, I’d like to make a better effort, and I’m hoping that I’ll have the time and interest to send greeting cards of semi-regular emails just to keep up with some grad school friends.