Preconceived notion = prejudgment?
We all have preconceived notions of how people will react when we tell them certain things about ourselves, right? And those notions are probably based on past experience, and the result of us trying to prepare to encounter that situation again.
But when do preconceived notions put us on the defensive and make us prejudge someone?
Data won’t lie. He’s all judgement, all the time.
Let’s see if I can explain what’s in my head, today.
A simple example is me telling someone I am vegan. I get a lot of the same responses – “I could never give up bacon,” “I would go vegetarian but my spouse likes meat too much,” “I could become vegetarian but I like eggs and cheese too much to become vegan*,” “Animals exist for us to eat,” etc. What is interesting is that almost everyone wants to explain to me why veganism/vegetarianism wouldn’t work for them. They probably have a preconceived notion of someone saying they are vegan then getting lectured! But! I am not like that. I don’t like to tell people what to do,** or persuade them to change… I am just doing my own thing. Peace, dude.
Oops. I get off track.
So, it’s obvious I have an idea of how people are going to react when I tell them that I am vegan. And I use that idea to prep myself on how to react… to their reaction. If that makes any sense. Because I feel awkward when I tell someone I am vegan and they tell me why they never could be. I am just sharing information, yo. It’s okay that we’re not all the same. That makes life interesting! But when someone reacts that way to me, I feel like I have to be all “it’s not that hard!”*** and sometimes I throw in “a lot of people say that”… um, to comfort them? Let them know they are not alone? Anyways. This wasn’t supposed to be about veganism. Oopsie.
So… it’s good to be prepared to react to something, right? So you don’t sound like an awkward jerk? But what about when we just assume how someone is going to react and let that assumption form an idea of that person in our head? Is that fair?! (no)
The reason I was thinking about this is because I recently had my annual appointment with my gynecologist, and I think I have some ideas about her opinions of me that aren’t fair. But let me back up. When I moved out here and it was time for me to select doctors, I didn’t know many people yet to ask for recommendations, so I used two criteria: in my network (duh) and in a nice facility. So, I ended up picking out a doctor and a gynecologist in the same brand new building. And it turns out that my gynecologist is also a fertility specialist.
So the first few years of appointments, she would ask me a lot about planning for children. And I am ashamed to admit that I left those first few appointments feeling like I was wasting her time. I knew I didn’t want to have children. Since she was a fertility specialist, I had a preconceived notion that when I told her I (still) didn’t plan on having kids, that she would feel like I should pick another doctor or something. Like, “if this chick doesn’t want children, why is she seeing me? Ugh.”
But. Duh. She was accepting new patients. And we don’t all have to utilize her specialty! It’s called a specialty for a reason. Sigh. Now I am totally over it, but I feel bad that those first few years I let myself think that, and let that thought influence my opinion of her. She’s a great doctor. I feel really lucky that I found her, randomly, with my bizarro search criteria.
So. Yeah. I think sometimes we used preconceived notions as a safety net, and that is sometimes a good thing… but sometimes it isn’t!
What preconceived notions do you have about how someone may react when you tell them certain things about yourself?
*Woo hoo for peeps who know t!he difference between vegetarian and vegan!
**Except at strength class
***It really isn’t
Themocracy
You know through our talks that I am guilty of this. I think it’s more of a defense mechanism so that I’m not surprised/hurt/caught off guard if things don’t go the way I’d hoped. I’m very pleasantly surprised though when people react in a better way than I thought they would.
It’s hard not to think about what the dr is thinking about you, but it is your choice and as long as you’re confident that its right for you, your dr will support you.
That is exactly it! It’s a defense mechanism. I find myself doing it. Even guessing what topics people are going to bring up, that they always do, and I don’t want to talk about. I need to be more chill! 😉
I’m totally guilty of pre-judging vegans. I know way too many that are very entitled about how they put more effort into their food and don’t ever hurt animals, blah, blah, blah. Its actually annoying to be around them because all you hear about is being vegan. So yea, totally have a few preconceived notions there. HOWEVER, you are my 3rd “blog friend” in the past few weeks who has been very open about that fact vegan is your choice and you honestly don’t really care what I eat. So, in turn, I’m trying a lot hard not to inwardly roll my eyes as soon as someone says “Oh, I can’t eat that, I’m vegan”.
And wow – I just made myself sound like a horribly judgmental person there. I promise I’m not, I’ve just had a lot of bad experiences and clearly have some strong feelings of my own being a farm girl and all. I don’t hate vegans, I promise!
Ha ha ha. No worries. I have actually been shocked in the past few years to meet these types of vegans. I’ve thought, “Oh. So this is what people think vegans are like.” It really sucks. They are the ones who want to convince people to change, but it doesn’t really work when you are being a completely judgmental a-hole and acting like you are better than everyone. Yeah. I could go on and on about this. 😉
I don’t have an answer to your question because I can’t think of any specific circumstances (though I’m sure I do it too, doesn’t everyone?) but I can understand the whole doctor thing. My gynecologist made a statement more than once that I was only coming in for my yearly exam to get BC. I thought that was a bit presumptuous on his part because I honestly was there for the checkup/my health (and BC, but still).
Also, one of the reasons I love you is because you just do your own thing and don’t try to pressure people into having the same beliefs/eating habits.
It’s responsible for us to take care of our health… and silly to think these things! But I bet a lot of women feel that way!
Aww, thanks. Yeah. I don’t really care what other people eat, as long as they aren’t shoving it in my face. People pay way too much attention to what others are eating.
It’s kind of like when you tell someone you are a runner and they say “I can’t even run a mile!” or “You’ll have bad knees the rest of your life!”
Yes people, you can run. No, my knees are fine and even if they’re bad at least the rest of me is healthy.
YES! I was thinking that! The “bad knees” response, especially. LOL!
Childless cat-lady? Duh. Data is my child! 😛
Oh and I totally judge all childless vegan cat-ladies…heehee
Meh, I don’t necessarily think the responses always have something to do with being judgmental. Sometimes it’s just something to say or attempting to contribute to conversation. I frankly don’t care what others do or do not eat unless I’m trying to feed them or take them out to eat. So if you tell me “I’m vegan” what else am I supposed to say…that’s nice? 🙂 (full disclosure here I am a celiac so if I tell someone my eating habits it’s usually a waiter or waitress that I am trying to prevent from killing me!) As far as the doctor goes, that’s their specialty and more than likely the main reason most patients seek them out. I doubt they much care if you want children or not. They are just used to patients that are quite broken because they do. It’s all good. Live and let live.
HA! I think I’ve said all of those things about me not being vegan.
This isn’t so much me telling someone something, but when I started going to the gym regularly, I thought everyone would figure out I had no idea what I was doing, or think I was “too fat” to be exercising (duh, because exercise would help that – but it reminded me of you saying people thought that speaker you saw was too fat to be a vegan). And I worry that people think I’m judging them if I talk about how much I exercise, or healthy stuff I eat. I don’t really care what other people do or eat, but I don’t want anyone to think I think I’m better than them or something.
I feel like my family will judge me as I correct them about my NOT having changed my name when I got married (because I just got another mis-addressed envelope in the mail yesterday… sigh), and think I’m not very traditional (which should have been clear with our 15 minute, non-church wedding), or I don’t care about my marriage, or maybe like I’m trying to make some radical feminist statement. I’m not, I’m just too lazy and I like my name.
I bet so many people feel that way about exercising while overweight, and sadly, I bet some people do judge, which SUCKS! Just getting out there and doing something is awesome. And telling people about your exercise is awesome too. Gosh. This makes me think about how fast I learned NOT to talk about it though. I am not bragging, peeps! It’s just a huge part of my life! 🙂
Why did you even bother getting married if you aren’t going to change your name?! 😛 :lol
BINGO! I think that’s exactly what some people think! We may as well have continued living in sin if I wasn’t going to change my name, right?
REALLY good post! How would you prefer people to act when you tell them your vegan? Do you want it to be something like it’s not a big deal ‘oh that’s cool’ and move on? Or would you prefer they show genuine interest but not in a way that’s this is why I’m NOT vegan? Does that question make sense?
I am really bad at this, Max tells me this all the time- that I always act like I know how everyone is going to react to things blah blah blah. In my defense I’m right 90% of the time!
Thanks! Your question does make sense. 😉 Both of those options would be great. People don’t have to pretend to be interested in it, but a “ah, ok!” or even a “ok, cool” and moving on would be fine. If they were polite they could ask me about it. Which makes me sound like an ass, but I am saying that because I spend a lot of time asking people about THEIR interests and people don’t always do it in return.
Oh gosh! There are some people who I know EXACTLY how they will react to things. It’s kind of strange, how predictable they are!
Such a great topic!
Oh, the kid thing – I feel like I’m judged frequently because I don’t want kids, especially because I’m a teacher and OF COURSE all teachers love kids and want to have them (please note: ironic tone). My other issue (yes, I have lots) – I teach Spanish, in the LA area, and I’m a white chick. Obviously this is not that unusual, but I always feel somewhat apologetic. Totally weird, I know. Ditto for working at a private school, not public. I apologize for that too, even though I know that there is a place for both and one type of school isn’t better or worse.
And I’m judgmental myself, so maybe that’s why I assume that people are going to judge me?
Ha! Yeah. Let’s be honest, everyone is judging one another 😉
I never thought about the teaching Spanish thing. Or the private vs public thing! Why do you feel apologetic about teaching Spanish? Because a native speaker could be?
When i tell people i run, I get judged for being “skinny” and a runner. People instantly will say that I’m so skinny because I run. Well duh, but not 100% true. My Daad is tall and thin and I eat pretty healthy because healthy eating makes me feel better than eating soda chips fries and fried things. (Ok, only in extreme moderation). I hate when people say that to me. (I know they will say it- they do say it at work now they know i run) I remember running in Florida (after I returned from Mexico) on a trail with my Daad and some guy from the college I had graduated from 5 years earlier saw me in the parking lot commented on how I looked like a serious runner and tried to recruit me for the cross Country team. He thought I was younger and still in school. (And didnt realize I was pretty slow) haha
When I tell people that I lived in Mexico 2 years, I know they will assume I was a student. Then the awkward exchange of “no, I went there to work and not go to school” comes up.. And yes, I now can speak Spanish but no I’m not Mexican also gets thrown around…
Is it weird I generally don’t have preconceived notions about people? I was trying to think of a situation similar to yours, but ive got nothing! (Ok I can think of a time I do this but will not write it here)
So are you bothered that people say you are thin only because you are runner? You want them to recognize that you try to be healthy? Or are they saying you are too thin? Like it is a bad thing. This makes me think of how people assume all vegans are thin. Uh… no.
Hmm. I never thought you were in Mexico for school! I thought you were there to get a tan (jk! ha ha).
Well, now you have to tell me.
Well the thing is that you might now know a fertility DR for a reason. Not for you, but in case someone you know one day needs help. You pass it along…
Good point!
I feel like I have a guard up, like this, a lot I the time. Since I’m meeting new people every week for work, I’m constantly answering the question “what do you do?” And “where are you from?” I almost always guard myself for responses to both. (Most people are surprised or flat out don’t believe that a young woman can be an engineer, and everyone has an opinion on where I live. In certain areas, I’ll specifically modify my answer so I won’t get an hour long lecture about the Steelers.) Anyway, saying you’re not alone I guess.
I’m really glad you’ve stopped feeling badly about ‘wasting’ the gyno’s time. I feel that’s a subject all women have to grow into their strength of – in general, people seem very judgmental of women who choose to be childless, and it takes time to be able to stand in that conviction well. I’m happy it’s one you’re confident in! I’m still learning to be polite in my responses to such inquires / insistences 😉
You should just hand over a card that gives the answers. Different cards for different people. Hee hee, just kidding.
I just don’t know how to respond about the kid thing. When people ask if we have kids, they are just making convo. I should just say no and leave it at that. I feel like I need to say more. LOL.
Your story about your OB/GYN reminded me of my last appointment with my physician. I think I have mentioned before that he is super fit, physically active, former pro soccer player…so if anyone has a right to judge me for my weight, it’s him. And a lot of less fit doctors do that anyway.
I am now in the borderline obese category and I thought for sure I was going to get a lecture. I was actually physically sick the night before about having that conversation, and telling him I have a job that requires me to sit on my butt for 10-12 hours most days (He is very pro exercise but more for overall health reasons, and when we’ve had this conversation in the past he’s said as a doctor he doesn’t readily accept the “I’m too busy for exercise” mentality. But, he also doesn’t sit at a desk all day long).
But no. Blood pressure good, blood work all good. He didn’t even remark on my weight–just said I’m healthy as usual. I got all freaked out and defensive for nothing. Lesson learned.
I can relate because I was really disappointed that my weight was higher for this appointment than last year’s, especially since I had dropped weight earlier in the year. The doc didn’t even mention it. Even though the printed out form she gave me says I am obese. LOL.
Based on today’s medical standards A LOT of us are obese. I had a conversation with my OBGYN about being overweight and trying to get pregnant and she said that as long as I’m healthy and taking care of myself, the weight isn’t an indicator that I would have problems. I was so worried about that conversation!
I can relate to this. I have things I just don’t tell people because I don’t think they can handle it (which is me prejudging them for something that might not be true). Kills me a little bit because I’d prefer to be transparent over-sharer girl. Happy Tuesday and thanks for a great EF workout last night. 😉
Oh gosh. I am totally transparent oversharer girl too. We learn quick who not to share with!!!
You are welcome! My right glute is sore. LOL!
I do this too (try to figure out ahead of time what I think people will talk about) especially with people I don’t know very well (doesn’t always work out – duh!) but not for the reasons you mentioned. More because I get anxious and when I get anxious my words don’t come out right, and then I sound like a moron.
So it’s a defense mechanism, but only defending my right to look like I have a clue 🙂
I find it interesting that you worry about how people react to you being vegan but I worry about how vegans will react to me not eating meat. I don’t feel the need to qualify my decision but I worry they will consider me less healthy or less nice or evil. I even feel bad, sometimes, posting totally not vegan recipes on the blog because it comes off as insensitive.
Wait. Did I answer that right? Fig me. I’m hungry.
I will say I have experienced this situation in terms of weight loss, where friends and family feel like they have to justify certain things or create situations as if I expect them to be skinny, eat a certain way or exercise. I don’t give a shit what you do – just don’t lie.
WTF am I say? I’m going to eat lunch.
Ha ha ha ha. Best comment ever.
If I see a meat recipe on someone’s blog, I skip it. Super simple. And I totally expect people to pick and choose what posts of mine they want to read. We can’t be everything, for everyone!
I can see why some people would act a certain (fake?) way around someone who is fit and exercises. And I can see why a lot of people don’t want to hear about it (exercise / eating healthier) too.
I think about this as well, and maybe it’s not prejudgement but that it’s trying to acknowledge that they have considered something that you identify “as”. So for example, instead of saying “I’m a meat eater” they say what you’re suggesting. And maybe it’s not expecting a lecture, but our larger cultural challenge of just accepting statements.
By that I mean that when I give someone a compliment, rarely is it a “thank you” but there’s also an excuse.
So instead of “I’m a vegan” and my response of “Ok,” there is a response of “I’ve thought about that and…. “
I could give up bacon, but never tripe. 🙂
I get this all the time when I say I do CrossFit. NEVER FAILS.
I am constantly planning for a conversation based on a preconceived notion I have about someone else or about one I think they will have about me. In parenting circles, Sweets and I are outsiders when it comes to our approach to sleep (for Gavin). I am constantly preaching that parents should support each other when we find what works for our own families … and follow-up that with my defense for why our non-traditional approach works for us.
It seems like parents already get so much judgment from everyone… it surprises me when they would judge each other. You would think that the parents would be the ones to understand what is best for each child… is different.
I totally get this – I feel like with a lot of the common get to know you questions, as I’m answering, I’m already a few steps ahead of the conversation because I know what comes next. Example:
“What do you do for a living?”
“I work in social media for an agency.”
“Oh, like Madmen?” or “So you hang out on Facebook all day?”
I totally get it. I moved into management way fast in my company. At the ripe old age of 26, to be exact. It’s slowed down some now that I’ve been there a while (I’m 33 now), but I used to hear the “You’re a little young to be in your position, aren’t you?” ALL the freaking TIME. At first, yeah, it made me a little uncomfortable and, like you said, almost apologetic, because there are people who have been with the company and trying to get into management for a LONG DAMN TIME, and here I come, a young little whippersnapper, and swoop right into a job they felt I didn’t deserve. But now on the rare occasion that I get a negative reaction, I’m all, “Yep, they know a good thing when they see it!”
I used to play out conversations in my head and then just not bother to start them at all because I KNEW what the other person’s response was going to be. Hell, what am I saying. I STILL do that! I really need to get over it and just say what I want to say and then go with the flow!
Do you do that with strangers or with people you know and just have a hard time communicating with?
There are definitely topics I avoid taking about with people. 😉 And then you get to hear it ALL.
I feel the same way about religion, it is my deal, I try not to “preach” it.
I am sure I said the bacon line..so sorry.
Usually if I’m out in my scrubs (which I don’t normally do, that’s gross) random people will ask me questions. Most of the questions?
Are you a nurse? Yes.
Do you work at the hospital? No.
Well then what do you do? I want to say, “I’m a nurse fool, and if you ain’t my husband, then mind your own business!!!” But I don’t…
A lot of people assume the ONLY place for a nurse is at the hospital. They are so wrong!
Ha ha ha. I must admit, I would assume hospital or clinic, too! 🙂