Two thoughts on validation
Nothing specific inspired me to write about this. It’s just something I think about often as a blogger, and as someone who reads blogs/visit social media sites. The topic is… validation.
There are two situations which seem to bring me back to thinking about validation.
Situation #1 is an argument I have in my head a lot (and sometimes with friends). I’ll notice a not-so-nice comment on a blog or Facebook, and think “Why bother commenting if you have nothing nice to say/useful to add/etc.?” “Why are people such trolls, blah blah blah?”
But then I start to argue with myself – if we only receive positive confirmation on our blogs (and other social media) that… is not a realistic representation of life. And truthfully, social media never will be! But! Is it healthy to let constant positive conformation validate our actions?
Here’s an example – I wrote in my training post this week that I did a double (including speedwork) the day before a long run over 20 miles… and had heart issues on that long run. GUYS! THAT WAS (somewhat) STUPID OF ME TO DO! I need you to call me out on my sh*t! No one did! (Granted, that post was long and boring…) But didn’t you think that was somewhat stupid?! Why didn’t you say something?! I can take it!
Heh heh heh. It’s hard to know how to comment on people’s blogs when you don’t know them well, especially when it’s so dang difficult to display tone online. But I feel sometimes it’s important to leave that comment that doesn’t validate what the person is saying, but asks them to think about it some more. And I’d like to think you can do that in a non troll-like manner. Maybe? Feel free to practice it here, if you’d like.
Situation #2 is more straight forward. Do you ever find yourself more excited about blogging about doing something than actually doing it? Gosh, I hope not. But I sometimes get the impression that people do feel like they have to do certain things so they can blog about them. Please! Do what you want! Blog about what you want! Don’t blog about what you don’t want! But never feel like you have to do things, then blog about them, for your life to be validated. You are alive. Your lifestyle choices are validated… uh, as long as they are mostly legal. Heh.
Reading this, it seems like the two situations somewhat contradict one another – we shouldn’t expect everything we do and say to be validated online, but then… we should do what we want because we don’t need online validation? Huh? Here we go – we don’t need it, so don’t always expect to get it.
What do you think?!
Themocracy
So regarding the training log post, you mentioned that in an email last week and told me it was stupid, so I just assumed you knew 😉 (and whoa, I missed the part about the heart problems!) And there might be a fine line between “Why do you run so much?” and “It might be unhealthy to run so much” so maybe that’s why no one said anything?
I had been thinking of making a constructive comment on a friend’s FB posts, because they’ve just been really grating lately. But then I saw someone else do it, and they got attacked by her, so I thought better of it 🙂 But I do wonder about the motivation of some posts that I see sometimes – they seem designed solely to get attention/pity/validation, and that makes me less inclined to respond because I really have nothing to say. But there’s probably something behind it too. Do you need attention because something’s actually going on? You have no one else but the internet to talk to? Who knows.
I don’t blog about anything exciting, so the second question doesn’t apply to me 🙂 But I’d have to seriously take stock if there ever came a time where blogging about things was more exciting/important than just experiencing them.
Heh heh heh. I DID tell you it was stupid! Ha! I forgot about that. And there is a fine line. And the thing is, last week was a low mileage week for me. It was just that all the miles were crammed in two two days. I don’t want that to happen again.
Yikes! Would you have felt bad had you left the comment and gotten that response?! I want to think I could leave a true comment like that for a friend. But I also know some people do just want attention/pity/validation and I am not going to play in to that. And some people just can’t take any constructive criticism (speaking of that, I used all your tips at class last night and thought it went REALLY well! Thank you!).
I thought you were just going to Hawaii so you had something to blog about. Oops.
Ha! You’ve found me out. I also only run so I can blog about it.
Honestly I just wanted to give her a little perspective and tell her to quit whining, because she’s constantly complaining. And what kind of response do people really want to stuff like that?
I’m glad you found my feedback helpful! You’ll have to tell me all about it, or maybe I’ll check out another class next month 🙂
It seems like people just want the “Oh, you poor baby!” response, right?! That is the impression I get. And I don’t usually give that validation unless it’s something serious, you know? Not “OMG IT’S SO COLD!” (bad example)
I do have to tell you about it! I so miss our runs. And I would love to have you come again 🙂
Well let’s get a May run on the calendar! (OMG I can’t believe I have to book so far out – I hope you feel sorry for me about that. It’s so hard to be this busy!). My long runs that month will range from 6-8 miles, if you want to make up for lost time 🙂
That does sound like a good way to make up for lost time. And I am not free until May either. I had a run scheduled with a blogger for last Thursday during lunch and I had to cancel because some douche BARGE but a 12:00 appt on my calendar and I couldn’t even reschedule. My schedule sucks balls right now.
I didn’t think to say anything about your training last week because I’m not really qualified to question your training. You also mentioned you were aware of the issue and thought it was related to the heat/sun? In the past I’ve had my heart rate increase (I can feel it, I don’t actually wear my HRM so I don’t know how much it increased but I’m sure it did) usually due to overheating on runs in the summer. Mine definitely wasn’t related to overtraining of anything like that so I didn’t even consider that.
I like to think that I don’t blog/post on social media for validation. I do read blogs of people with similar interests to see what other people are doing and how it compares to what I do. If anything, it’s helped me push myself more but hasn’t caused any negative affects (as far as I can tell).
I have noticed that some people on blogs/social media do seek validation and get very defensive if you question them. I guess I usually just avoid those. I would probably tell you if I was concerned with something you were doing though… most likely in an email.
Maybe I didn’t explain well enough how shocking the heart rate increase was. It was really high and out of control. It really made me worry. So much that I might wear a HR monitor. If I remember.
I don’t think you do either 😉
And as much as I try to avoid the validation posts… I still run in to them from time to time!
I have been meaning to wear my HRM but I never have. I’ve often wondered how the temperature/humidity affects my heart rate. Especially on those 100 degree 100% humidity days when they tell you to not exercise but I do anyway…
I find #2 interesting. I’ve never thought about being excited to do something so I Can blog about it-probably because my blog is about stupid shit but still an interesting thought. My thought process for blogging is typically live my life and figure out what i want to blog about after I do it-not the other way around.
Good for you! And that is one of the reasons your blog is so fun! 🙂
So…I didn’t read that post but I do think I could have called you out. I am kind of the call you out type of person. Most people dislike me for it’ others respect it. I try to be careful about it, but I usually am the one who says what everyone is thinking.
Here is an example. Four years ago my friend was going to enter into a marriage that I thought was bad for her. She was not happy when I told her this. I am pretty sure it is why I wasn’t asked to be in the wedding. So be it. Three months after they were married, he was caught cheating. Yup. Anyway, I had no reason to be all “blah blah I was right” because in time she came to me and admitted she thought I WAS right but didn’t know what to do about it. And also said if more people had told her, she may have listened. But when she questioned it, everyone was all like, “no it’s fine, he’s great and you are great and [insert everything she wanted to hear].” I just think honesty is important.
Also, there are a few blogs that I feel like are “pics or it didn’t happen” but I stopped reading them. I think it is clear when people aren’t genuine.
God, I am long-winded!!!!
You are not long-winded! The other comments are long too.
W.T.F. I bet your friend did wish she had listened to you! What ended up happening?!
I have a hard time with Scenario 1. I can’t get myself to say negative things on social media very often, because I don’t want to start one of those debates that spiral out of control (usually they’re on Facebook and involving religion or politics). We’ve all seen them, and we all get annoyed by them.
As for #2, I am ashamed to say I am VERY guilty of that. Moreso with Facebook than blogging. There have been so many times that as I am doing something fun (or something I’m proud of, like a long run, or and early morning workout), I’m already thinking about what my related Facebook status will be.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s braggy. But mostly I think it’s the human need for community, camaraderie, and yes, validation. Social media is just a more accessible way of seeking the positive (and sometimes negative) feedback we as humans need, I think. And then because we get it so readily online, I think it’s also easy to become addicted to it. (“Why didn’t anyone ‘like’ my status? Maybe I’ll post another one.”) 🙂
This comment reminded me that I have called out a few people on FB from time to time. I’ve been involved in at least one conversation that I felt the person was wrong and told them so. When I have had first hand experience and disagree with someone, I will often tell them with only a little hesitation. I try to do it in a respectful way though.
Oh yeah! Avoid commenting on religion/politics/sports! There is no point! I guess it’s hard to explain the type of comments I mean to leave. More personal stuff? I am thinking of people making bad decisions and everyone encouraging them type of thing, to be like “have you thought about xyz?” But I do know people don’t like that.
I think it’s natural to want to share, like you said (community) and okay to think of that ahead of time! As long as you are not going in to it solely so you have something to say! 🙂
I didn’t say anything because I totally think of you as a pro and figured you had a reason for doing it that way!
The reason was bad planning. Thanks for thinking of me as a pro 😉
Hah! Well, we all fall victim to that sometimes 🙂 And I doooo.
Your post is an interesting one, per usual. (Ooohh, validation!) I was one of the ones all, like, go you and for a few reasons. 1) Your mileage always impresses me, and I use it as motivation to not punk out. 2) I didn’t notice the bulk of the miles in a short time frame. 3) I trust people know not to be stupid. At least trust you not to be stupid. 4) I hate confrontation. It takes a lot for me to tell someone they are wrong and even longer to figure out how to do it.
I think there’s at least a part of me who blogs for the validation but don’t think I ever do anything just to blog about it. I don’t have time for that shit.
Ha ha ha! I will not be stupid to the point I get myself hurt. But last week… was stupid 😉 Thanks for using my mileage as motiviation! 🙂
And again – ha! Who does have time for that?!
I do worry about the fact that you don’t seem to want to ask medical professionals their advice on some of the things you experience. I know they don’t always have the answers but if something about your body is really freaking you out then it’s worth a visit. Didn’t you have an EKG once before?
Personally, I don’t take criticism well, even if it’s well-intentioned. Part of my perfectionist tendencies, I guess. But I agree that only getting positive comments all the time doesn’t help a person grow.
A few of the really popular HLB blogs delete any comment that isn’t pure praise. I think that is misleading. I don’t take criticism well either, but I appreciate respectful comments even if they aren’t something I agree with. It is definitely about growth!
Thanks for your concern! 🙂 The heart thing freaked me the eff out and if it happens again I am going straight to the doc. I did have an EKG in 2011. Were you thinking of some other things I should check out? I am not anti-doctor, just lazy and don’t want to put another thing in my schedule. HAhahhahaha.
I try to keep those “I should do this so I can blog about it” thoughts in check, because, yeah, that’s sad. I also try to NOT blog about everything I do. Gotta have some mystery, right?? No, seriously, I am trying to keep some “mystery.” Really it’s more of a privacy thing. Does the internet need to know EVERY thing that I do? No. I don’t want it to.
I TOTALLY thought about that when I was writing this! There is so much I do and think and never mention. No one gives a sh*t nor needs to know!
Agreed on this ladies! I also have a job, so I can’t share TOO much to the world. Plus, my husband is constantly worried about “internet stalkers.”
I do find it interesting the idea of validation and feedback for bloggers. My blog doesn’t play a huge part in my day-to-day life (thank god because I’d probably depressed if it were!), it’s more of a journal. But I wonder about professional bloggers. As a teacher, I feel that I’m always getting feedback, both positive and negative, and the negative is hard to take but I also find it quite constructive and I learn from it. I think that there are people who blog and when someone questions them, they immediately take offense. And it is a weird dynamic, the relationship between readers and the public and the blogger. Who is the blogger’s boss? Not that everyone needs that model, but how do bloggers receive honest feedback? Is it just on popularity? Or are there other measures (or should there be)?
All good questions… to which I have no answers. LOL. I don’t know if any blogger gets much honest feedback. And many I think just want to be popular, so that is all they care about!
I rarely ever comment something negative on a blog or on facebook. My husband tends to be a disturber and is constantly calling people out on things, it frustrates me. I feel like he’s inviting drama. People can be so defensive over nothing. Honestly I read your post about your heart rate and I didn’t think anything of it, yes, I find it really scary, but I figured you know your body and you didn’t seem really stressed….but maybe you need someone to tell you that you should look into it more? I never want to go to the doctor/follow up on health issues because it’s scary, so I would definitely want someone to tell me if they thought it was serious.
Sometimes when I read family blogs it makes me sad because the parents are so busy trying to get pictures just right it seems like theres no way they could be enjoying their kids. Blogging about things is fun, but not at the expense of your family. That being said, every time I do something really cool, I get too excited and forget to take pictures! 🙂
I feel like there are a lot of people who are different than they are on their blog, and that a person presents themselves in a certain way on their blog, too. Rightfully so, of course, because it’s our creative outlet and we are our brand, after all. Certainly, I leave out the most embarrassing details when I blog, too.
Blogging definitely allows us to pick and choose how we present ourselves! And that is a nice control for people like me who struggle with any sort of irl filter. Ha! I don’t think of my blog as anything near to a brand though. It is constantly changing, and I am not trying to sell/market myself.
I always want to include the most embarrassing details! But the one person I allow to filter my blog usually advises against it.
I tend to think about what others thing in both real life and online. However, I hope that the “internet Katie” is authentic to the real me. At least I try.
I do sometimes think about how things would be cool to do and blog about, or Rich will suggest an event/restaurant that might be cool for the blog so I will do somethings that I think might be good blog posts, but are also thinks that interest me. (does that make sense?) However, usually when I pick things that sound interesting, or pertain to my blog, I totally forget to take pictures/get too caught up and don’t end up blogging.
There’s also a lot I don’t post about. There are a lot of fun things we do that I just mention on my blog, or don’t mention at all. Because, honestly, some things are private and not really that interesting!
I think your internet Kate is authentic to the real you! I have noticed more of your pep! I mean, except for your damn stupid neck! But how can you be peppy about that?! I would be all “EFFF THIS!!!!!” 😉
You do make sense. And there are things I plan to do that I know I will blog about (glass work, hang gliding this summer, etc.).
I don’t blog about a lot too. Mostly because I think people don’t want a play-by-play of my life.
Hi Kim!
Thank you for your words. you’re such a sweetheart and so caring. Thank you!
I’ve missed reading you and have just been catching up with your life.
Can I say, I absolutely LOVED your “Not Worth It” post recently. Positive and inspirational. Thank you for that!
Aww, thank YOU! Hope your April is 1000x better than your March!
Ha, I hope I didn’t offend you with my validation rant during our run. I think I basically said everything during my running-induced verbal diarrhea, so I have nothing too new to add to this comment.
However, Harrison told me something he read once about how celebrities basically stop maturing emotionally at whatever age they become really famous. The argument was that when/if they start being surrounded by people who constantly validate their actions, it stops their emotional growth. Then again, I guess they get plenty of negative feedback from the media, so who knows…maybe this theory is bogus.
How would you have offended me? We were thinking the same things, no? 🙂
Hmm. That is an interesting theory! I wonder where we can test our emotional maturity? I know I have improved by leaps and bounds in the past decade!
Now I feel like I should come up with some faux “bad decision” and post about it on Facebook in a validation-seeking way so you can comment on it.
And I will totally call you out if I read that you are ignoring your health. 🙂 We all need a little nudge sometimes.
I will be watching for it? Did that part make sense, though? VALIDATE ME!
I really enjoy your perspectives, Kim. I missed the training post, so I can’t really comment on that – but your second thought on the excitement of being able to blog about something really struck me. Sometimes, I do wish my life was a tad more “exciting” online, but what you see is what you get. I suppose that’s one of the reasons I don’t blog much anymore – does anyone really want to read about me doing laundry? Or grading essays? 🙂 Anyway, I don’t think my comment makes much sense. I suppose I just wanted to say thanks for writing about a topic that made me self-reflective.
Heh. Meghan, you could just come here and type “blah blah blah” and I would be like “OMG YOU TOTALLY GET THIS!” I think we are usually on the same page 😉 Sometimes it’s hard to make the day to day seem interesting, which is why I don’t recap much of my life and just write this sort of crap where I spew off on something, then usually write something a few months down the road that completely contradicts it 😉
I missed the heart issues somehow..I tend to try to not say anything not nice.
Sorry for not calling you out- next time I promise I will 😉
And next time I won’t passively validate your “poor” workout decisions. Hehe
I also don’t see the place for super negative comments ever. People need to be able to disagree or offer help in a manner that is not offensive which takes practice. I don’t validate the person if something seems off- I tell them tactfully.
Eww to #2 about being more excited to blog about an event than the actual event. I’d love to see an example of this 😉
I missed that post – heart issues? That sounds scary. Be careful!
This is a good post. When I had to stop running I felt like I had nothing to blog about – it was so depressing. But I had gotten into that trap of when I was doing something, already thinking about how I was going to write my blog about it. And i think it was actually good for me to have a break from it all. I agree with you – blogging should be mainly for ourselves and not for the validation we get from others. But it’s hard not to really get sucked into that wanting approval from comments.
And as for commenting, I try to be honest in a positive way. And if I don’t agree with something, I usually simply won’t comment. I think it’s not my place to push my views on someone else. Live and let live, right?
I agree with live and let live. I am so like that in real life. But I see scary things and feel like I need to say something… like, people are about to harm themselves, or too hard on themselves.
I do think about how I will blog about things or things I would like to share with readers. But I try not to fill my schedule full of crap just to blog about it. I guess that is how I should have explained it.
I miss your posts 😉