When lying’s okay (???)
Here’s a new phrase for you – protective buffering. It’s when you hide worries or concerns from your partner to “shield them from something unpleasant.” And according to this article “The Little Lies Spouses Tell” (pdf here), researchers think that it’s healthy. Check out these tidbits from the article:
Often the more open partners are with each other, the less happy they are…
…sharing too much is a source of relationship dissatisfaction.
Couples often wrongly assume full disclosure is always best…
Thought broadcasting is never a good thing…
Avoiding a topic so as to avoid a fight is often good…
What the what? I feel like this article is encouraging lying.
Granted, it’s for things like how much you spent on an item, what you really think of your partner’s family/friends, and so on. The article does specifically say that avoiding big topics “isn’t protective buffering, it’s selfish.” But then it goes on to give advice on which buffering method is best and how to know when to disclose something.
image from article
I don’t know what to think about this. It would be silly to presume everyone is 100% open and honest. We all have our little secrets that we need to keep, for our sanity and sometimes, reputation (ha!). But do people really tell all these little white lies? Wouldn’t that make you feel bad if you were?
I was trying to think if there are any little white lies I tell (or things I avoid telling) Steven. I fully disclose how much I spend on things. I am way too open about what I think – to the point that I can see why the articles says “thought broadcasting is never a good thing.” He always knows where I am. There is only ONE thing I could think of – how much I eat. In times past when I have had major binging issues, and have eaten so much I am not hungry for dinner, I have lied about why. BUT! That is more to protect my embarrassment than to protect him.
Damn. How does it all come back to food?
Anyway, reading this threw me for a loop. It made me wonder what partners (or families or friends, whoever) aren’t telling each other. I know that I have had people withhold their health issues from me, and I’ve felt very hurt. Were they just protective buffering? Or is it none of my freakin’ business? Ha ha.
Are you a protective buffer-er?
Do you think full disclosure / thought broadcasting / being open is bad for relationships?!
Themocracy
I think I may be a protective buffer. But I pick and choose when it’s necessary- if that makes sense…? It’s mostly when I’m slightly annoyed, but I recognize it’s over a trivial matter.
I protective buffer as well — and some of it is avoiding getting into trivial but negative conversation, as I have been trying to be more intentionally positive in my outlook. But I notice it more at work – on trivial non-work matters (e.g. coworkers asking if i think they’re fat, or commentary on their eating habits). Hub-hubs gets the most honesty out of me but I think a good part of that is that we’re compatible with each other and choose to hang out together (for life!).
Also, I nominated you for a Liebster award today — congratulations!
I am a completely different person at work, so I bet if I do it anywhere, it is there 😉
Cool! I will check it out 🙂
I think I am a protective buffer when it comes to my best guy friend. Hmm….. Interesting article! 🙂
I’m sure I use protective buffering to some degree but not to the degree of what is stated in the article. I’m like you in that I tell my husband nearly everything. I could see him maybe using protective buffering but mostly just him not wanting to talk about stuff. Not necessarily because he is trying to withhold information from me but because he doesn’t like to talk as much as I do. I’m sure it depends on personalities too. I guess it would be more tempting to keep something from someone who is jealous or short-tempered?
Oh yeah. There are things I don’t talk to Steven about, because, who the eff really cares? (like work stuff – I am very private about work).
Ha! This probably is a learned response to jealous/short-tempered people. The big example in the article was about a woman who visited her ex’s dying mom (I think) and didn’t tell her husband for 40 years.
I don’t lie pretty much ever because I’m just a really honest person…that’s not to say I sometimes withhold information but I’m also a very private person…god I sound awful, honest and private…
Sometimes things just aren’t peeps bizz!
I can’t think of many instances when I’ve outright lied but I do omit things to coworkers. It’s not anything important, I guess I’m more private at work than I am with my friends/family. I don’t lie or keep things from my boyfriend though. I’m huge on honesty and I’d much rather know things upfront than find out someone failed to tell me something or lied to protect me. I tend to be open with others for that reason.
I used to be more open at work, like I am in my home life, and it bit me in the arse! So I have learned to omit things there, too.
Yikes! This article is cray cray! My main problem with the premis of this article is what exactly are the boundaries of the “protective buffering” and how (If you participate in this) would you keep yourself from lying about other things? I can see this spiraling out of control into bigger lies (that matter) overtime. I’ll compare this to having an affair. At first, it’s not an affair- you’re just talking to someone. Then you start to rationalize that it’s ok to keep conversations going with the individual and possibly do more. Before you know it, it’s a full blown affair that you’ve rationalized to be ok. If you lie about something small- like the price of something, what will stop you from lying about something bigger?
With that being said, people hould have filters and not share every bloody detail of what they’re thinking.
I love your thought provoking posts!!!!
Ha ha! I think you are the first person to think it’s cray cray! I SURE THOUGHT SO! I feel like this mindset definitely encourages a slippery slope in to who knows what bigger lies. And really… it’s so much work to keep track of lies! Just tell the truth!!!
Thanks 🙂
I don’t know if I lie, but rather just don’t say. I am pretty private (which is why some of my blog entries are really hard for me) and I like to keep things pretty surface level. I also have trust issues and feel like I am better off just keeping to myself. Plus, I never want to bother anyone with my problems so I usually say I am okay even when I am not. I HATE sounding like a whiner.
In my job, I protectively lie all the time. If I told my students or their parents what I really though, I would be out of a job! 🙂
I think being private and keeping to yourself is definitely different that what this article is saying 🙂 Hey! Speaking of blog posts *cough cough* do we get to hear about Mexico?!
Ha ha ha. Protective Buffering is a MUST at work!
I disagree with everything in that first quote you cited! Being open leads to unhappiness? Sharing = dissatisfaction? WTF? Are these people just sharing nasty, negative things all the time or something? Or really boring, mundane crap?
I guess avoiding a topic to avoid a fight probably depends on the topic. Are we discussing whether/when we should have kids, or our favorite baseball teams that we know we’ll never agree on? Because things that you know you’ll never see eye-to-eye on, sure, avoid (sort of like how I hardly ever talk politics on FB – it’ll never change anyone’s mind), but important things should be dealt with. Otherwise the issue is just out there, probably festering for at least one partner.
I get that the article is talking about smaller-scale things, but I think getting in the habit of lying about small stuff seems like it would just lead to lying about bigger things.
I DON’T KNOW! That is why I had to share those quotes from the article! I was like “WTF?”! “WTF?!?!?!?” and “WTF a doodle do?!?!?!?@!??!!?!??!”
And yeah, more baseball than having kids. There are definitely things I don’t talk about around certain people, like politics. But if they asked me my opinion, I wouldn’t lie about it 😉
“WTF a doodle do?!?!?!?@!??!!?!??!”
Hahahahahahahahaha!
I KNOW!!! Can you believe it got to that level?!
I am not married so that part I can’t relate too but I have to say with family and my best friends I protective buffer. Sometimes it is just till I can figure out how I feel about (health things, changes, work) because I am a processor. I will say that “I won’t be home till 7” thing I have done. Sometimes I just need alone time and I have no agenda. I won’t say I am at work but I won’t give specifics about where I am going. I will say I am running errands because if I say I need a few hours to myself it might lead to “is something wrong” “are you mad” etc.
So I am a protective buffering person but I don’t know that it is a bad thing.
(Mostly I have been doing it since my hormones went out of whack in September and my head knows that what I am feeling is usually 70% driven by that. I often need time to get out of the “funk” or “mood” before dealing with it with other people)
I need to learn to be more like this, because I have instant reactions that get me in trouble!
Bah, I have so much to say about this article and general idea, but I think it boils down to each relationship. Granted, I don’t think the WSJ was trying to give advice to couples, but it seemed to say that protective buffering can be useful in some cases. Except it was really vague as to what constitutes “protective buffering,” and surely, this must vary from person to person. This seems like one of those things that if it works for you, you already know it and don’t need to read about it in an article.
Really thought-provoking article, though!
HA HA HA! I like your analysis! Yes! If lying does not work, DON’T do it. It was just such an ODD article, imho 😉
I’m like Felicia, I sometimes find myself doing it automatically to protect other people’s feelings. Like faking sick when I don’t want to go somewhere (rest assured there are plenty of times I actually am sick!). Or saying I am fine when I’m not. Or complaining about work when that’s not actually the issue I’m upset about because it’s the most neutral (I’ve been finding lately I do this a LOT). One friend of mine disappeared for two weeks (no calls, no emails) when she lost her job–but knowing her style, I figured something was up and she’d check in when she was ready to talk.
I stuff a lot of things down in the interest of others and it’s not healthy. Thankfully I guess I’m aware at least to try to work on it!
It’s interesting for me to read that, because I am so selfish I normally tell it like it is. A lot of times I find myself saying “I don’t want to do that,” and I think I should actually … be nicer about it. Sugar coat it. 😉
Actually, this just came up this past weekend, was bf’s bachelor party & a strip club was in the plan one night. I don’t trust him as he has lied by omission before. He said he didn’t go to a strip club, but as that could be a very specific answer I questioned him again if he saw any stripPERS or naked woman at any time during the weekend. That was the only way I felt I could get something real out of him.
Me, I’m an oversharer. I tell him text messages people send me, convos I’ve had with other people that he might find interesting. He won’t tell me anything about anything that has to do with other people even if it’s his family that I might have an interest in (a birthday party for instance). Not that he’s lying, he just feels like it’s not his place to share.
They say ignorance is bliss, I don’t believe it. I don’t like lying to protect the feelings & those are little white lies. Lies are convoluted and they can get entangled in the truth and then a slip up and bam, there’s a crack in the foundation of a relationship. It’s sad really. We have our first crack from this past weekend all over a stupid guy ritual.
Ugh! I am sorry that made you feel so uneasy.
I overshare too, and my husband is more quiet about things… so it’s hard to understand why he won’t tell me everything, just as he probably wonders why I won’t shut the heck up 😉
I guess I protective buffer a bit, but I don’t tell many lies especially to my family and Matt. Most of my “lies” are omission and I say “lies” because sometimes I just leave things out when I think it’s unimportant, but could possibly be important.
I will say I do lie sometimes when something is bothering me if I can recognize that I am being silly and just need to get over, but need my moment to be angry.
Also in general I try not to complain about Matt’s family members to him. Sometimes his dad really gets under my skin and Matt realizes this because I’ve told him, but I don’t usually talk about it much. I just think it’s unnecessary. I definitely don’t like it when Matt complains about my family even though I know they can be irritating so I don’t complain about his.
UGH! The not complaining about family thing is SO HARD. Good for you 🙂
Man, I’m still thinking about this article. It was also linked from a newsite I read every morning (but I saw it here first). Now come to DC so we can run together and discuss this further.
I know, right?! I think I could talk about how weird I think this is for a long time.
When it comes to my marriage, I aim for 100 percent honesty. If there is something that is bothering me that needs to be addressed, I bring it up. Sometimes it’s hard, and Robert gets mad/annoyed, but in the long run it’s better. And I want him to be honest with me too. I think it helps that we established this habit of open communication early on in our relationship. And I always try to keep things in perspective. Just because one of us does something selfish or makes a misstep, doesn’t mean it needs to ruin our day. We address it, deal with it, make up and move on. Of course there are also larger, more serious, and more difficult issues that we deal with too, and those are ongoing, but again, I’d rather be open and honest about them than hide them. We’ve also been to couples therapy but that was brief.
Very, very interesting. I definitely protective buffer because I don’t like confrontation or worrying that someone will be mad at me if I say something. Is it the right thing to do? Probably not all the time. But I do it.
At least you’re honest about THAT (trying to be funny… lol).
This is an interesting article! I see it’s point, but I honestly don’t have any secrets from Rich. I do have protective buffer when it comes to girlfriends because I know some things will make them upset, but when it comes to my marriage I have no secrets! Which is sometimes not a good thing because really, why does he need to hear every detail of some things he just doesn’t care about?
Ha! I am so guilty of “ALL THE DETAILS!” That is actually a trait that women have (more than men). I learned about it in one of my gender classes in college 😉
I am too much of an open book, unless it is something I don’t want to deal with, then it is avoidance
Buffer-er to me is what I call being the liaison. The go-between. The peace maker. I hate drama on any level and do whatever it takes to reduce it in my environment, which usually means not lying, but not being 100% honest with many people. While I have some minor issues with that, for the most part, it keeps my life (mostly) drama free.
As for talking about people about my life I tend to be an open book except for very personal matters.