“Best Friend” as a designator
Or as I like to say, bestie…
Do you think we ever get to old to use “best friend” as a designator for our friends? Is it immature? Potentially hurtful?
I’ve been thinking about this after reading Rachel Bertsche’s post a few days ago. Bertsche was watching some show where a character mentioned she had more than one best friend, because “best friend isn’t a person, it’s a tier.” Bertsche goes on to say,
Men have trouble understanding this. “How many best friends do you have?” is a question I’ve been asked more than once. But the truth is there are a number of irreplaceable people in my life who have all been there for me in my toughest times, or helped me celebrate the happy ones. They are a tier.
And she mentions how she has a best friend from college, work, camp, etc.
What was really interesting on the post was the comments! One person said they felt hurt when a woman called her her best friend in writing, but introduced someone else as her bestie in public. One person suggested that maybe it is an American thing to say. One person said it’s a term for younger kids, and that it sets too much expectation on that person. And they also mentioned they like “circle” over “tier,” which they thought was too hierarchical (which I totally agree with!). Another person said they feel discomfort when someone talks about another person being their best friend.
Very, very interesting (to me, anyway).
I actually do use this term, as you have probably noticed. And the reason why? Well, until recently, I had never had anyone to call!. Maybe, maybe in grade school. But I had no close female friends in middle school, high school, or college. So for me to become close with a few bloggers, I felt I had developed, in my mind, what was a “best friend” relationship with them.
But it’s true that I have wondered if it’s silly for me to say that. Why do I need to call someone that to let others know how close we are? Why don’t I just say “my really close friend…”? Hmm, who knows. I guess saying it makes me feel good.
Maybe it’s immature for me to even think about this. Ha ha.
Themocracy
Interesting. I sometimes bulk at calling any of my current friends my best friend(s). I do use it to refer to people I don’t see often anymore (i.e., my best friend from high school). One of my best friends (and roomie) told me recently she was envious of how many girlfriends I have but I had to tell her it wasn’t always like that for me.
That is interesting you use it to describe who someone was to you in the past.
I didn’t have many girlfriends until blogging and the running club 😉
I thought this was really interesting, Kim, because I have two or three women friends that I think of as my “best friend.” I have such close, longterm relationships with them that I can’t think of not giving them that term. It is kind of like knighting someone for long years of exceptional service!
Anyway, it is nice to know that other people refer to more than one person as their “best friend.”
WOW this is REALLY interesting. I think about this a lot actually because I have 1 friend from high school that is basically my sister but I feel like I have ‘other’ best friends and I wonder if they get upset when I call other people best friends? Did that even remotely make sense?
I think for me, anyone that I really let into my life and think about, talk to and see on a regular basis, someone I really really love having in my life gets labeled a ‘best friend.’
NEVER TOO OLD FOR SCHOOL YARD LANGUAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That DOES make sense, because I was wondering the same thing… best means best. Can two people be the best?!
I have alot of “besties” – they are all the important people, men and women in my life, that I can go to, I am there for them and they mean the world to me. At this point in my life, I could never just pick one!
And we shouldn’t have to!!! 🙂
I have multiple best friends and I definitely agree it is a tier. In my life, I have the following:
Best friends
Good friends
Work friends (some are a little of each category)
Acquaintances
Facebook “friends”
People I know
I saw that episode of Mindy and have been thinking about that line too! I like the idea of having multiple best friends, probably representing different stages of life, as Rachel notes. But it gets tricky to start classifying people that way, because what if they don’t feel the same? So I guess I have my best friend, who I met in high school and lived with after college, and a few really close friends who I’d probably refer to as “one of my best friends” if I was talking about them. If that makes sense?
And I do think use of the term “best friend” can sometimes cause hurt feelings. I had a friend when I first moved out here that probably qualified as a bestie – we hung out all the time and were constantly talking on the phone and emailing each other. I remember telling her she was my best friend, because she really was at the time. But she had her best friend from college, and for her best friend wasn’t a tier, so she didn’t have room for any additional best friends. Womp womp.
That is exactly my concern – what if the feeling of bestie is not mutual?! And how do you say… “are we best friends?” LOL. It’s so nerve-wracking 🙂
Not surprisingly, I haven’t asked anyone since that happened! But on the other hand, how important is that label anyway? It’s good enough for me that I have people who want to hang out with me and talk to me on a regular basis (like you, I didn’t have a ton of close girlfriends for a long time) so maybe it doesn’t matter what we call each other?
I think it shouldn’t matter. But now that I do have people who consider me their bestie, I know it’s a sad little need of mine to feel wanted.
That’s not sad! Who doesn’t want to feel liked and needed?
Oh, and shouldn’t that be said with the BFF heart necklace? 🙂 LOL
I definitely have “best friends” but I don’t really use the term very often. I hadn’t thought about it but maybe it’s so nobody is offended… or maybe I just don’t want to officially label anyone as “best friend”?
I have a best friend also my running buddy and we didn’t meet until I was 26. I have had other good friends but she is the only one I feel is a best friend who truly gives her time and cares for me like I care for her.
Aww. I love that you have someone this close in your life and that you share the same passion! 🙂
Great post! I agree with the idea that you can have best friends in different areas of your life. Like, I have my best friend from college who I would still do anything for and who I love to hang out with but who I don’t talk to as much as my best friend(s) now. Does that make sense?
Thanks 🙂 That totally makes sense to me 🙂 I think a lot about how best friends are locationally based too. Or rather, how location affects friendship! Basically… I wish I could see you more. LOL. As I am the one who canceled our date today 🙁
I have a few people that I consider my best friends, and call them that. Or I call them soulmates. I have no issue with using either of those terms because it’s true, and I think they deserve recognition for being so amazing and important in my life. Then there are the friends that I consider to be more superficial relationships. The ones that are more out of convenience than anything else. I care about them still, but it’s not the same. I wouldn’t hide a body for those friends.
Another interesting post, Kim! I don’t use the term “best friend” because I don’t have one person I consider to be that. I do use the term “besties,” because I do have an inner circle of close girlfriends (I also like circle over tier). But, I only refer to them as besties when talking about them in the abstract (i.e., not using their real name). When I use their real name, I’ll usually say, so and so is “a dear friend” and leave it at that.
That’s a good idea. Maybe I should try that out. I think I already do say “good friend” and not bestie when I am talking out loud. Maybe it is just on here that the term comes out! 🙂
I have three besties! Of course one of them is a little more bestie than the other two, and ironically, she’s the one I’ve known the shortest amount of time. She is me, like my twin. Seriously.
All three of them live far from me, I don’t have anyone here I call a bestie. Mostly because I don’t get as close to people as I used to.
But I don’t think it’s silly to call anyone a “bestie”. I mean, I do it!
Ok I’ve been loving all your posts lately! Some serious food for thought. I’m still confused on when to use the term “best friend” – I usually only call my two closest childhood friends my best friends, but the three of us are also close friends with two other girls. I don’t call them my best friends but sometimes I worry they would be offended if they knew? It’s so confusing. I also have a close group of friends from high school and I don’t call them my best friends either, but I think they would be offended if they knew I didn’t. Ugh maybe it’s just best to not say that term at all, at least not in front of people who are not your bfs.
Thanks 🙂
It would be hard to be in a situation where someone thought you were a lot closer than you actually were. I know for me, there are people I want to be friends with, but never want to take it to that next level… if that makes any sense without sounding incredibly b*tchy 😉
I understand the discomfort with the term, I don’t really use it – I always think of my closest friends as “my dear friend”, because there are certain people who really are dear to my heart, and how can you really rank that?
I do realize using the word “dear” probably sounds terribly old fashioned, but oh well. 😉
I usually say “one of my best friends” to describe someone I’m really close to. I guess I’d be offended (a little) if one of those people turned around and said that someone else was her VERY VERY best friend.
I get annoyed when people say that their spouses are their best friends. I think that’s somewhat obvious in that they are probably closest, but a spouse clearly fulfills a different purpose than a close friend. It seems like a cop-out.
HA HA HA to your second point. Yes. I thought about that. I would like to write about that. Partners are not BFFs. Dude, you need your BFFs to bitch about your partner to! Seriously, they are probably our closest companion, but I would not use that title either.