Warning: grudge holder
I felt like I might appear to be a bit of a phony in last week’s post about envy on Facebook… when I said I am not an envious person. I’m really not an envious person. But I thought I would tell you about a childish feeling that I do sometimes struggle with – holding grudges/not being able to forgive and forget.
Data, you really need to quit holding a grudge against that feather! What did it ever do to you?!
Of course, I could share a lot of delicious examples of my childish behavior, but I don’t think the best ones, or even the one that made me think of writing this, are blog appropriate. So let’s journey back in time… to high school! AHH!!!
In high school, I lent a friend money to buy something. Bad idea, I know. I think maybe it was a couple thousand dollars. Not that much. You all know where this story is going – friend never paid me back, stopped returning my calls, skipped town… I went to college and tried to forget about it. But damn! I could have used that money for living expenses, architectural supplies, and food! I was quite upset about it. And was holding a bit of a grudge against that person. I even went to their place one time when I was visiting my home town and pounded on their door, to demand SOMETHING, only to find someone else living there.
I finally got over it though. Money is just money (and not meant to be lent!). I found out the friend was struggling with some bigger issues and was happy to hear they were doing better.
Hmm. That might not be a very good example. I am sure a lot of you will be like, “Wtf, Kim, they deserved that grudge.” Okay, let’s try something else…
I’ve had a really close friend hook up with my ex-boyfriend and not tell me about it, and tell everyone to keep it from me. It killed our friendship and the fact that she wanted to keep it from me made me hold a bit of a grudge, for a very short while. I was not upset about the guy – but more that she felt she couldn’t tell me. And that being with him was more important than being my friend.
I’ve also had instances where I have gone out of my way to accommodate someone’s specific request at an event… only to have them stand me up at said event. Time and time again. That made me hold a grudge.
Sorry for all the super childish examples. They unfortunately make me sound even more immature, but like I said, I can’t really write about my few examples from adult-life, ha ha.
What they say about holding grudges is true – it only hurts you (and I particularly liked this quote – “holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”)! I didn’t even realize how deep of a grudge I was holding against someone until I let it go a few years ago, and all of a sudden, my relationship with that person was no longer tense. They probably just thought I was being a biznatch all those years. They probably didn’t even realize why I was upset. And that is the problem with grudges – they seem to be so one-sided! They usually only harm one person.
Anyway. I am getting a lot better at letting things go. Because I have learned my lesson on how toxic grudges are when you hold on to them. But I obviously have not completely cured myself, because a conversation happened this weekend that made me think of how annoyed I still was at someone for something they did almost a YEAR ago! And it was something really stupid! All of a sudden a little feeling of a grudge snuck up on me… ahh! Go away!!!
Are you a bad grudge holder like me? Or are you able to let things go?
I found a article with guides on how to forgive people. And I also found one on when you SHOULD hold a grudge. Ha!
Oh! And I don’t think I am perfect. I do wonder if anyone is holding a grudge against me for something I am clueless on. That seems to be how these things work!
Themocracy
I try not to be too much of a grudge holder nowadays. I have come to realize that people are human and that they will sometimes do things that I don’t like. Anyway, you lent your friend a couple of thousand dollars, which isn’t that much? Well, if that’s not too much than can I “borrow” a few hundred? That’s really really not a lot! 🙂
That was back when I had no bills and was able to save all of my money from my high school job. Please see part where I say money is not meant to be lent, lol! 😛
Oh well, it was worth a shot! 🙂
Ha ha ha! Thanks for the early Monday morning laughs! Much appreciated 🙂 🙂 🙂
What perfect timing! You clearly know my sitch with someone who used to be as familiar as my right hand. However, things change, and after a few bratty moves, I have a really hard time pretending like nothing happened and going back to the way we were. I don’t think we’ll ever get back to “besties”, but I know it takes work on my part to at least get back to “friendly”. Meh.
In your situation, I think it is completely normal to feel hurt and hold a bit of a grudge. It would be really hard to get back to how you were, or even get together without feeling some tension! You are doing a good job at trying to make it work though 🙂
I have a really hard time not holding grudges – I think I have too strong of a sense of right and wrong, and when I feel like someone has been unfair it’s hard for me to let that go. I know that’s pretty childish but it’s not easy to just stop doing! It helps if I can be conscious of when it starts before I let it get too out of control :).
That is probably the cause of most grudges – people having differing views on what is right and wrong. I know with me, the things that upset me have always been things I thought “people just don’t do!”
I really try hard not to hold grudges. Usually I am successful. But there are a couple in my lif that I’ve never been able to let go of that feeling. And thinking about them can STILL sometimes bring me to tears.
But it certainly doesn’t help anything. One friendship I had to ultimately let go. And she probably has no clue how I feel. 🙁
I think I remember you telling me about her 🙁
You know, in this book I am (well, was) reading about friendship, the woman had a lot of friendships that seemed to end because of miscommunication and grudges. I think that was making me think about it too. I don’t want to be like that!
Wait… in what world (particularly high school) is a couple thousand bucks not a lot of money?
I try not to hold grudges and for the most part am a very forgiving person. It’s tough if the other person doesn’t realize they’ve done anything to hurt you though. Perceptions are tough! I know sometimes people say things to me that they probably think are totally benign but they stay with me.
This also reminded me of a high school story. I ran cross country in high school and one of my first meets a few girls on my team pointed out a girl from a different team and told me she was mean. I didn’t really believe them, thought they were exaggerating. When the gun went off, I found myself in front of this girl on a narrow path almost immediately! She stepped on the heels of my shoes and when she passed me she threw an elbow at me! Seriously!? I elbowed back (maybe not the best thing to do). Each and every time I ran against this girl (often) we would do battle at some point during the race. It was awful. I still kind of hold a grudge against her. She ended up going to my college and working in the dept. of my major (where I also worked) and got stuck in a small office with her alone once. We didn’t speak to each other. I have no idea if she even remembers me. Ha!
I remember you telling me about that girl! Ha ha ha. I bet she is still pushing her way through life 😉
I hold grudges. I have a very hard time letting go of thing, especially when I feel wronged or hurt. I don’t like to fight with people, so I usually just cut them out. I know that sounds harsh, but the thing is…it takes A LOT to get on my bad side. You actually have to be pretty mean or do something horrible for me to decide I have had enough. And enough is enough with me.
Also, a few thousand dollars IS A SHIT TON OF MONEY! Haha!
I used to be very guilty of this. Then I realized how much energy it soaks up, so I’ve gotten better. But there are still some extended family members that continually take advantage that is hard to forget and move past. Just want to shake them and slap them silly sometimes!
Anywho…was thinking about you yesterday and how I miss chatting with you. So just wanted to send my love along!
Gah! Yes! So much WASTED energy!!!
I miss chatting with you too!
I hold grudges against companies — bad customer service and I’m out of there. Very hard for me to go back.
My mother is the ultimate WORST grudge holder. Once you make her mad-she never, ever forgets. I skipped school a few times junior year of high school (read over 8 years agoo….) and my mom still brings it up how she can never fully trust me after that. Um…I was 16 and needed a nap before my second swim practice of the day, it’s not like I was out partying, I was napping bc I was sleepy. I’ll be 75 and still trying to gain my mother’s trust back after that…
Wow. Who doesn’t skip school a few times?! That’s not cool that she is judging you based on a time when you were young and not making the best decisions (which is why it is lame that all of my examples are from that time of my life!).
Whaaaa …. are we actually sisters?
I am a bad grudge holder. It’s very difficult for me to forgive and forget. I have a couple of ex-boyfriends that I am still mad at, even to this day. Sure, the anger has dissipated over time to a certain extent, but it is still there. I’ve heard all the talk about grudges being like taking poison and hoping the other person dies, but it doesn’t change the way I feel. UGH.
Oh I am the absolute worst at letting things go. I hold on to all kinds of stupid little things, like that I paid for lunch 3 times in a row when I went out with as friend and she kept saying she’d get it next time, but never did. I know it’s a total waste of emotional energy, but I can’t stop!
I thought I was a grudge holder, and then I figured something out. When someone apologizes for wronging me, I forgive pretty quickly. It’s the ones that never apologize that cause me to hold a grudge.
Which I guess still makes me a grudge-holder. Hm. If you were an epic ass to me and never apologized, I’ll move on but never forgive you and always think of you in a negative light.
I don’t know if that made sense–I do have specific examples but don’t really have the time right now to explain in detail. 🙂 (Mostly applies to ex boyfriends who cheated. I pretty easily forgave the one who apologized when I realized he was just a stupid kid at the time–others have not been so lucky)
This makes perfect sense, because I got over a grudge because someone kind of apologized – or acknowledged the issue, at least.
Hahah, I was just thinking that I don’t hold grudges very much but then someone JUST asked me if I was doing the Shamrock Shuffle and I said “NOPE!” Hahaha, I guess I’m still holding that grudge 🙂
At least it’s a race and not a person! 😛
I am absolutely a grudge holder, and i hate to admit it. But admitting you’re a grudge holder is the first step, right??
Oh, there are some things that I just can’t let go. It’s not even that I want to hold on to them, but I feel like someone shows you their true colors, sometimes you just can’t turn back and pretend it didn’t happen. We all make mistakes, and being able to forgive people for that is important, I’m especially grateful for the people who have forgiven me for mine. But there’s a line.
I’m sitting here analyzing myself and I actually don’t think I am too much of a grudge holder–at least I try not to be. Part of this may be because I have been disappointed/let down so many times over the years that I have really come to expect very little of people. I give people the benefit of the doubt but have come to realize that very few people in my life can be truly trusted or depended on (analyze that!) and so when someone does something to disappoint, it kind of validates that. I will still be able to be genuinely nice to them going forward given the basis of expectation. However, if someone has made that “inner circle” of emotional closeness and they do something to seriously betray me (this hasn’t happened in a while given my outlook above) I have either just let the friendship go or moved it back to acquaintance level. I actually have a current friend who has been moved back to acquaintance level but she doesn’t know it b/c I haven’t changed my interaction with her. But I found out she was blabbing my closely guarded family business to several mutual acquaintances and now she is only getting 1/3 of the story. I know I can’t trust her but knowing what I can expect from the friendship now, I know how to act going forward!
It sounds like you are doing the right thing with only giving that friend part of the story now. But it’s sad that people cannot be trusted!
Your comments about grudges being one-sided really struck me. That’s a really good way to think about that! I remember reading somewhere about how many times we may have an entire argument with someone in our heads, and they have no clue that we’re even upset. So it’s kind of like that.
In general I try to let things go and give people the benefit of the doubt as much as possible, but sometimes I just can’t. And I realized it’s similar to what Diane said above – if someone has acknowledged and apologized for wrong-doing, I’m more willing to let it go. But if not, I do sometimes have a hard time moving past things.
Example of an extreme grudge – my mom has held a grudge against my dad’s entire side of the family because of something so stupid that happened when my brother was a baby. In 1976. Just seeing the amount of emotional energy that she’s wasting, and the relationships she’s missing out on because of one little thing that was definitely apologized for, makes me try to let things go a little more. So apparently I hold a grudge against her long-time grudge-holding.
You know what though? We had a family issue and when I saw how much time someone what fretting over it, and made me stop caring. And it helps so much. But when it’s been since 76… wow.
I don’t think I hold grudges, but if I leant someone that kind of money and it wasn’t repaid, that friendship would definitely be over because I feel that was hugely disrespectful. I tend to internalize stuff rather than confront others. Need to get better at facing conflict head on!
I try not to hold grudges but sometimes, I can’t help it. Someone once made a snarky comment in response to a comment I made on a blog, and it really surprised me. How terrible is it that it bothers me ever so slightly every now and then? This is silly, I know. But I can definitely understand your case with the money! Holy cow!
I actually don’t think that is terrible. I have gotten some snarky responses that have made me feel bad. Although, sometimes I wonder if I am the one leaving them! It would be interesting to see some information on grudge holding based on online interaction 😉
well…I am currently missing over $150 worth of gift cards…and I am still searching, hoping I am wrong..way less than your $2000 but I have trust issues and this feeds it
I have a fairly good memory, so I remember the bad – and good – things people do. Sometimes it is hard to forget…and forgive them. It is something that I am trying to get better at.
Also, this has absolutely nothing to do with your post, but on Sunday I was running with a guy who said he was going to run the Wisconsin Marathon. My reply? “My friend has a code to get $5 off and you should use it!” We’ll see….he hasn’t signed up yet. Are you close to getting your discount, or do you know how many people have used your code?
Aww! Thank you for telling him! I did get my discount. A lot of people used it. Maybe 40 or 50? But please keep encouraging it! We won’t see you up there, will we? 🙂
What weekend is it again? If it fits into my schedule, then possibly. It would be a lot of fun 🙂
It’s May 4th 🙂 🙂 🙂
Hmm….it is possible. It would be fun 🙂
I think I’m the opposite, and there are people I should hold grudges against but don’t! I was just talking to my mom the other day and realized SHE still holds a grudge against one of MY ex-boyfriends. He broke my heart, but it was over a decade ago. I’m over it, but apparently she isn’t … so weird. Not only does she hold a grudge against HIM, but also against the school he attended (it’s probably easy because his school was a rival for my school). Anyway. I think there are some parts of my adult life where I specifically try to be the exact opposite of my mom, and I guess this is one of them.
Wow! That is interesting that your mom is so involved in your life to hold a grudge against an ex of yours! I guess it’s that “protect my child” instinct? Does she hold other grudges against people in her life too?
Grudges really are toxic to our lives, but sometimes it’s very hard to let go. Personally, I’ve taken a “forgive but don’t forget” approach to situations that really hurt/upset me. I don’t tend to hold grudges…they’re just bring too much negativity into my life and mind and life is too short to be filled with negative energy….but I become more cautious around the individual(s) that hurt me. I guess ultimately it depends on how serious the issue at hand was. Sometimes you gotta sever toxic relationships as well!
A couple thousand dollars? In high school?! Girl, you were living large. I think I had like $50 to my name then. Ha.
I hold grudges but it’s very willy-nilly about which ones. When I feel wronged or trust is broken, it takes a looooong time for me to move past that.
I am definitely a grudge-holder but have been working hard to change this! It is especially hard for me to forgive someone when I go out of my way to help them and they wrong me. But I’ve realized that when I hold a grudge it really only bothers me. When you forgive or let something go it is mostly a gift to yourself.