Triggered memories
Isn’t it interesting how certain places, songs, sayings, items, etc., can trigger very specific memories? What are some of your triggered memories?
There is a trail I usually run when we visit Steven’s father in Kansas City. It astounds me, that to this day, I cannot run this trail alone without triggered uncomfortable feelings of helplessness and loss. Even on a day like today, when parts of the trail are covered in snow, and it looks nothing like it did on the hot summer days of 2010, I am still transported back to exactly how I felt then. That was the summer we surprisingly lost Steven’s mom. That was the summer when I first dealt with the awful hospital waiting game. That was the summer when running stopped working as my therapy – instead of letting me escape, it made me feel guilty for leaving the hospital to run and just threw me deeper in to my own thoughts.
As I ran the trail today, it was nice to see a few other people to pull me out of my thoughts. But they are still there. I need to:
- Run this trail with other people
- Start running with music again
- Or just deal with my emotions… eww
Themocracy
There are two smells that absolutely nauseate me – Abercrombie and Fitch cologne and Vidal Sassoon shampoo. Each is associated with a separate college boyfriend who cheated on me. My first REAL heartbreaks. It’s stupid that all these years later it still gets me, even though I’ve forgiven one of them (because he apologized and became a nice Dad, the other still seems to be a womanizing loser)and am so happy with my sweetheart.
Also, #3 was cute. 😉
Ugh! Smells! Yes! Whenever I smell someone wearing the same deodorant (body spray? who knows) as this guy I saw for a very brief time… just… ewww.
Whenever I go to hospitals (for work or otherwise), or look at/hear about hospital furniture (at work) all I can think about is Grandpa dying/staying in the hospital with him. It makes me feel really sad. This is a problem since healthcare is one of my focuses at work!
That is part of the reason I had such a hard time when he was there – I still felt so raw and emotional about all the time spent in the hospital with Steven’s mom 🙁
I’ve had two instances lately–one good, one bad. For one of Bella’s post-op rechecks they put us in Exam room 4. Exam room 4 was the room we were in when we helped Lucy cross rainbow bridge 3-1/2 years ago. Just being in that room took me back to that day and I started bawling.
Then on New Year’s Eve we were at a private party and we had hired a local guitarist as entertainment. He played Bob Segar’s “Night Moves,” just him and his acoustic. Just like my dad used to when I was little. I grinned from ear to ear and sang every word with him. It was awesome. 🙂
Madeline cakes always trigger my childhood memories. I guess I’m just like Proust. 🙂
Music is probably the biggest trigger for me, because it’s such a big part of my everyday life. So there’s tons of songs that have associated memories for me. But I think it’s okay to be triggered, because sometimes I need to deal with things, or because I can be thankful that I’m in a better place now than I may have been before.
Try not to hold on to too much guilt for leaving the hospital to run. Everyone deals with those types of situations differently. And having spent a week in the hospital myself, and a few weeks visiting my husband in one around the clock, I think most people understand that hospitals just suck and sometimes you really do just need to get away.
Eww who wants to deal with emotion. So much easier to drown them in hot fudge.
Exactly!
For me, it’s usually smells that trigger memories. There are a lot of smells I just can’t be around anymore. It’s funny how that works. I can be in the same place where some of the worst moments in my life happened, and it doesn’t bother me, but if I smell certain things, I fall apart.
I started running a loop around my parent’s home, and there had been a stretch that I almost always walked when I was starting out (this is close to the end of the mile loop). Even though I’m a much stronger runner now, I have to push myself VERY hard mentally to not walk that stretch, as I always recall when the mile loop was all I could do, and the thoughts of self-doubt that used to creep into my mind around that point on the runs.
This sounds like a perfectly normal reaction. Especially for you since you feel so many emotions so strongly.
When I was running the Chicago Marathon, some of the spectators were playing the theme from Rocky. It made me smile and it was at that point that I really started to enjoy myself during the marathon. So now every time I hear the theme from Rocky it reminds me fondly of the Chicago Marathon!!!
Certain smells do that to me. I’m super sensitive to smells for some reason. I’ll catch a scent sometimes when I’m out and about and sometimes I have to be brought back to reality!
I completely understand what you mean about triggered memories – certain smells and songs trigger such powerful memories that I am simply unable to smell/listen. Sometimes it feels like ripping open an old wound and other times it results in extreme nostalgia (and maybe even some tears). Regardless, it’s what keeps us grounded and tied to our pasts and I wouldn’t change that for anything.
Music is usually a trigger for me. Some places trigger as well. I just prefer those things to bring back positive memories and not bad ones. Though, remembering past loved ones isn’t always negative despite feeling sad about it.
What amazes me is how there are times when EVERYTHING triggers a memory and then somehow…slowly, without realizing, those triggers go away.