When gifts make you feel bad
WARNING: This is not meant to be a downer post. Nor, is it meant to criticize anyone. This is just a thought I need to share about gifting (year-round, but especially now). I am not trying to be ungrateful or mean. But I do need to share this gut reaction. So, feel free, as always, to tell me if I need to grow up, stfu, get out of my own head, or get a clue.
Also, I realize this is my third post about gifts this week. Sorry.
I loooove buying gifts for other people. It’s kind of a selfish thing – I get a lot of energy from seeing someone excited and surprised about something I have purchased for them (especially if it is out of the blue). It’s fun and it makes me feel good.
But, gift giving isn’t always a fun and feel good thing! Sometimes we feel obligated to buy gifts for people we don’t know very well. I imagine sometimes people feel obligated to buy things and don’t want to at all! And sometimes you are not in the financial position to gift how you want to. And for some people, the holidays make them feel like they have too much stuff, and guilty for mass consumerism. Geesh. There can be a lot of mixed feeling toward gift giving.
But I generally love giving gifts, and of course, receiving them.
Except sometimes the gifts I receive make me feel bad.
And this is the part where I really really don’t want you to think I am ungrateful. I am not. I have so many thoughtful people in my life. But I would be lying if I said I have never received a gift and thought, “You don’t know me very well,” or “You want me to be interested in something I am not interested in.”
Sigh. I feel like I shouldn’t post this. Because those two quoted thoughts sound so bad. But! I have had those feelings. And I am sure I have done that to other people. Uh, like my friends who get in to running and I don’t stop getting them running stuff ?! Or buying a rocket for my brother for his birthday (which he did use a year later)? Buying someone jewelry all the time, a jacket for their birthday two years in a row (guilty)… I do it too.
Anyway, so sometimes I get a gift and it just makes me feel guilty, that the person who gave it to me doesn’t know me as well as they could. It makes me feel like I am not communicating with people the way I should. That I give all these details about me in my little blog but fail to share things in real life, with other people who matter, too.
Well geesh, that took a turn of events. Now I feel guilty about my blog?
Can anyone relate or am I a total ass?
Themocracy
I got a keyboard for Christmas one year. Then I took piano for two years.
I never wanted to play the piano to begin with.
LOL. Do you still have this keyboard?
This is so true! I have someone I really don’t want to buy a gift for but I have to… long story short, she isn’t going to want something from me or buy for me either! Ugh…. family drama at its finest!
I don’t think you are off base. Sometimes gifts are just kind of “WTF?” My mom’s husband (do not call him stepdad) gave me a jewelry box with a buffalo on it. A buffalo! Not really outdoorsy. And it wasn’t going to make me outdoorsy either. I think rather than feeling guilty, acknowledge that the person meant well and find a home for that Bart Simpson Chia pet. Or eat the seeds. Because I’m sure that’s totally what some uptight healthy living blogger would do.
By the way, I need your address. I’m going to send you that Buffalo jewelry box. HA! I crack myself up. Too much coffee.
Hee hee hee. Yes! Send it! I can donate it to Goodwill and count is as a tax write-off! Just send it so that it arrives by 12/31, please.
LOL @ eating the chia seeds.
I think everyone has received something that makes them go “hmm…” at least once in their lives. Sometimes gift givers are just off the mark with their selections (it happens) and other times some gift givers don’t even make an effort to find something the recipient would love. You should never feel guilty because someone didn’t make an effort to get you something you would enjoy. I guess a lameapore gift makes you appreciate the truly good prezzies!
True true. Or maybe the lameapore gifts should just make me grateful I have these people in my life who feel I am worthy of a gift at all! 😉
I particularly hate it when people spend money on me and get me crap. I’d rather they donate that money in my name to a charity I support rather than waste it on something I won’t use. Or, you know, ask me for a list if you don’t know me that well. I’m okay with that!
Ooo, oo, Erin, I agree with you on this one! I have a few people in my life who spend $$ on things I definitely do not want or need. I’ve said more than once (in my head) just donate the $$. Don’t waste it!!!!
I feel like most of my gifting issues lie in giving things to other people. I worry that the recipient won’t like it or will think the things you mentioned like not knowing them very well. I try not to push new hobbies on people or anything and try to get things I think people would like/enjoy. I guess it doesn’t always work out though. As an example, I got my friends (a couple) an ice cream maker last year for Christmas because the woman likes to play around with cooking/baking and the guy really loves to eat ice cream (ok, they both do, but him especially) and they have never used it… nearly a year later. It makes me feel like I failed at choosing a gift!
I would feel that way too 🙁 We have bought people a few things that they have never used as well.
I understand what you mean! It is hard to think these things sometimes because you don’t want to come off sounding ungrateful, etc. I had someone get me a gift before, in the wrong size, that they knew was the wrong size saying “I know you’re usually size _ but this was all they had.” ….. Um, thanks?
I wouldn’t feel guilty about your blog. I think some people don’t consider gift giving as fun as you do… and some probably do not put the time and effort into thinking of things to give. I don’t think you should feel guilty about your feelings, but just chalk it up to a difference in enthusiasm towards gift giving (and not a reflection of communication or relationship to one another)….
That’s just my opinion though! 🙂
LOL – the wrong size, on purpose?! That is just bizarre. Come on, folks!
Yeah – a lot of people probably buy out of obligation and don’t think gifts over too much. 😉
My mother-in-law is notorious for bad gift giving. I just gave a bunch of stuff to Goodwill from “The mother-in-law pile”. She literally just buys a bunch of crap throughout the year and parcels it off to people for the holidays. She knows I hate clutter and kitch-y stuff and thats what she gets me anyways. I feel bad complaining (not really, I don’t like her) but really, a gift card would be more personal than the stuff she gives.
Sometimes people still think you are still into a hobby/activity years after you have moved on from it. For example, many years after I really played golf consistently, I was still getting golf gifts!
LOL. Yes. I can relate to this, and am probably guilty of it too!
It is probably my own fault for not keeping people up-to-date with my current hobbies/activities. 🙂
Oh I totally get this. My in-laws give me WTF gifts all the time. Last year it was an electric nail file, and I don’t even care about my nails. They also gave me a very small white t-shirt, it was even too small for my 10 yr old daughter.
I’ve asked to just give a donation to the Humane Society in my name, at least then the money isn’t wasted. They’ve always refused.
I’m not a fan of gift giving/receiving, especially when it’s something that I don’t want or need, then I just have to find a place for it to go.
I got the electric nail file from my Grandma one year! Ha!
I once received a bottle of wine from one of my best friends. It was moscato- the sweetest wine ever. Whereas, as long as she’s known me, I’ve only drank dry wine like chard. I kind of just looked at her and wanted to be like… “we’ve known each other 10 years… what is this?”
It’s still sitting in my pantry… going on 6 months… oh well. Someone will drink it.
Bring it tomorrow. I will drink it! I am serious 😉
I don’t think you should feel bad at all. You’re voicing something most of us have felt at one time or another. Because Sweets and I started a family later than a lot of people we know, people tend to give Gavin gifts based on what their kids liked at that age … and it’s proven very clearly to me that every kid is different … because, there are plenty of times when I shrug at the gift knowing he’ll never use it. It’s ok, though, because I’m not shrugging off the person (in most cases, ha), just the material gift. I know the good intentions are there and that’s what should matter. And I tend to donate the gift (still in its original packaging) to someone who will use it, whether it’s a friend or charity, I know it’s going to be well loved, just as the original giver had hoped. =)
I think buying for kids is SO tricky! I always try to go with books or clothes (wow, I am so fun) or ask the parent very specifically what they would like for their kid. My friends in NYC have hardly any space and I don’t want to be a jerk and buy some huge toy for their son!
Just get him a small drum Kim, not the whole kit.
Ahh! Perfect idea! 🙂
gift giving is a huge source of anxiety for me. I feel like there is a message behind every gift i receive, and feel soul-crushing pressure to get good gifts for friends and family.
I get this!!! I think it goes back to feeling obligated to buy gifts. If you don’t know someone well enough to know the perfect gift, you shouldn’t feel pressure to get them a gift. That’s why in my family the adults stopped exchanging presents at Christmas–we all bought what we wanted for ourselves anyway, it was silly.
On that note, I am inundated with cat-themed gifts most of the time. I love my kitties, but it doesn’t mean everything in my house should have a kitty on it!
Also I feel really awful when someone buys me a gift and I didn’t get them anything.
And I feel guilty for buying more expensive toys for kids in my family than I spend on Toys for Tots.
And I feel guilty buying things for Toys for Tots when children in Africa need water.
Holiday guilt–the gift that keeps on giving! 😉
It is getting a bit ridic with the adult gift exchange in my fam too. We have cut back on buying for all and draw names, but I still get stupid little crap for my grandmas.
I feel bad wasting so much money when some people have nothing.
My aunt who I don’t really speak with sends me popcorn and cheese and sausages each year. I seriously cringe because I don’t eat junk food. (candy, caramel popcorn etx give me a soft stinky cheese any day!)I finally told her not to get me anything because I don’t want it to go to waste. She was very offended and was all like “it’s the thought that counts.” and I was all “don’t waste your money.” I felt so much better. I’m an asshole apparently.
I like to buy people things they need. Blurb books of my beautiful photos are a must have! Hehe and this year after hearing my mom tell me several times over the past 2 years that she can’t buy the red cabbage in a jar where she lives, I sent her a case of it for her birthday. Best. Gift. Ever!!!
I like that you actually told her that. Good for you!
I try so hard to get people things they need/want/would actually use. I am so off sometimes though 😉
I totally relate to this. I get really anxious when I go Christmas Present shopping because I dont know what their reaction will be.
Nope I totally get it. I have a close family member who gives me white chocolate every year for Christmas, despite the fact that I have expressed on many occasions that I really hate white chocolate. WTF why do you keep giving me something I hate??
And I just found out my boyfriend’s Mom got me a Christmas present so now I have to get her something. I have NO idea what to get her. We’ve only met 3 times!
I very much relate. I generally consider myself to be a pretty easy person to buy gifts for (pretty much anything related to cooking, running, or NHL hockey will make me happy) – so I am surprised sometimes by some of the gifts I do receive which seem to have come out of left field. For example, Adam and I received some wedding presents which were obviously regifted.
From the other side, I’ve been in the situation where I’ve been invited to three different bridal showers for the same person. I felt obligated to buy another gift for every shower. It was not fun and at the end it felt more burdensome than joyful.
Maybe this is a rude question to ask, but why did someone have 3 baby showers? Don’t you usually only have 1? (Non-mom here, so I’m not sure of the answer)
I think I pretty much avoid gifts with friends at this point. Too tough, few people have $$ and I don’t want anyone spending just to spend.
My mom isn’t into “stuff,” and every year, she tells us not to buy her anything for Christmas. She has no qualms donating anything she doesn’t have a need or use for, whether or not it was a gift. I’m pretty sure every gift my dad has given her for the past decade or so has been something she picked out and he purchased and wrapped up.
And as for gifts she (and my dad) get us, lately it’s just been gift cards and/or cash. And you know what, I know people say that’s impersonal, but that’s stuff I will definitely use!
However, my mother-in-law is very into “stuff,” and Christmas with my husband’s family is VERY different. And … I totally know what you mean. I always up with a few “WTF” things. I appreciate that they thought of me, but at the same time, I feel bad that they wasted their money.
I’m the same way! My husband’s family loves “stuff .” My MIL asked what we wanted and I said gift cards to the grocery store, restaurants or gas cards. Practical!
You’re a total ass! ha ha, JUST KIDDING! Of course we’ve all felt this way at one time. My mom perpetually gets me stuff I don’t want and since she is on a tight income, it frustrates me. I don’t want more stuff! But, that’s her way of showing love. At least I’ve got her to stop buying me clothes. My husband isn’t the best at gift buying but he’s open to suggestions. Conversely, he has NO suggestions for me and is impossible to buy for. I tend to go with giving experiences rather than material things when I get stumped.
this is so, so touchy. As adults we have not exchanged holiday gifts in 12+ years. We buy for the kids and even that gets weird for some when the kids aren’t sufficiently appreciative. I’ve received bad gifts and they make me feel bad for the giver because I know it’s tough, people are cash strapped, etc.
It’s happened to me lately–sometimes one for friends and one for family, or different locations depending on who can attend. Or engagement party + shower. And I’m sorry, but I think it’s incredibly crass! (bridal showers were originally thrown when the groom was poor and/or the bride’s family didn’t approve–the bride’s friends would shower her in gifts to compensate.
Oops, that should be in response to the multiple showers question!
I hate candles as gifts. They are so generic. But mostly I do try to remember that I’m lucky to get a gift at all.
I GET IT. I REALLY, REALLY get it. I would so much rather just go and spend time with the family and enjoy the meal and the together time than do the whole gift-giving thing that everyone insists on. It’s just too much pressure! Everyone says they don’t need anything, so they end up coming up with a list of stuff they don’t really want just to have a list of shit to tell people to get them, and I do the same thing. So everyone ends up spending a few hundred bucks every Christmas getting people stuff they don’t even want or need. Why? Because it’s tradition! I say screw tradition! I can think of so many things I could do with the money I’m spending on everyone else for Christmas this year, and I’m sure everyone else could think of better things to do with their money than spending it on everyone else too. It’s just stupid. The whole thing.
YES! And THIS is why Thanksgiving is my very favorite holiday. Meal? Check. Quality time? Check. No pressure? Check check check.
Okay this makes me laugh because I HATE the idea of gifts, especially at Christmas. The giving part I don’t mind, but its the receiving part I have a problem with. My in laws are terrible at gift giving and give you what things that they like but make a point to ensure that you know exactly what thy want and where to get it. My MIL is the most guilty of this where she gives me the strangest of things where I just want to tell her to stop wasting her money! To me I hate the pressure of feeling obligated to like something just because someone bought it for you and don’t think it has anything to so with Christmas.
But, I know for a lot of people the holidays are about gifts…just not me. I’d rather have a good meal and good company!
Wow. So you get stuff they like… and they get the stuff they like too? Come on, two way street… right?
Well I do relate with your statement that you disclose more in your blog than you do sometimes in real life. Like I mentioned tonight, that’s totally the case for me! And I get this with gifts sometimes. My mom buys random stuff that makes her think of me, but I often have no use for, and I wish she’d just save herself the money and the time to ship stuff to me. It’s a nice thought, but I don’t really need anything, and I guess I’d rather if she’s thinking of me, she just gives me a call or something, you know?
And Britt’s comment about her MIL buying strange gifts reminds me that, years and years ago, my ex-boyfriend’s mom bought me a pair of white leather Minnetonka moccasins for Christmas (this was WAY before moccasins came into style) because I mentioned in passing that I’m like 1/16 American Indian. I guess it was a nice thought (maybe?), but just save your money.
YES! SAVE YER MONEY, folks!!! Sigh. What ever happened to those moccasins?!
I feel similar but a little different – I feel that way when I am the giver. I feel bad if my gift is not something I think they will love but sometimes I just can’t think of anything good. I try to make notes during the year when my friends say “oh I would love that” or “I have been looking for this”. But some friends are tough. SO i try to get everyone good gifts they want but sometimes it hard.
I definitely feel that. I felt so lame I got my bestie a necklace… but she said she loved it. Phew. But I felt like it was kind of a “not so creative” gift. I try to listen for those clues too!
Gift giving is something that I struggle with. Especially since I am NOT a shopper. But I want to get that PERFECT THING. ACK! So much pressure 🙂
It’s so hard – you want to appreciate the sentiment, but at the same time, I’m left shaking my head wondering wtf? But then you get that PERFECT thing, and it’s so fun and exciting! Such a hit or miss thing…
I like giving gifts but not always receiving them. Finding the perfect gift is always fun!
I can totally relate to this and it made me feel better about myself! I try to remember the sentiment but when I was 16, one of my aunt’s got me a Disney coloring computer game. I. WAS. SIXTEEN. Like, thank you but seriously? Do you think I’m 6?
Also, my brother constantly gets me gift cards to Applebee’s. And I hate Applebee’s. I want to tell him… but how do you tell something, “Hey, by the way, those gift cards you’ve been giving me for 5 years? I hate them.”
Sigh. It’s tough. I feel you on this!
Ugh. It is too funny that you mention Applebee’s! People always want to go there… we think the food is AWFUL and they hardly have any vegetarian stuff! Maybe donate them? LOL 😉
I tend to be an over-gifter…but if I don’t get the exact reaction imagined from someone when they open their gift, I am so disappointed and end up with gifters remorse (ha,ha). I recently read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and she wrote a section about appreciating the nature of a gift that I could totally relate to. I am important enough to someone for them to go out of their way and get me a gift, shouldn’t that be enough? Definitely something I’m trying to work on!
Ahh, I LOVE that book and own it and really should reread it! Thanks for the reminder!
My mom was the worst offender of buying things on clearance and then figuring out who it would go to best. I believe she has finally gotten a bit better.
Oh, I relate on so many levels. Love seeing others get gifts for things they love. Gives me a good feeling inside, not really for selfish reasons, but just seeing happiness in others gives me a nice positive boost in life. So I guess that is kind of selfish in a sort of way.
The obligation to give some gifts bothers me. Especially if it’s someone that doesn’t appreciate it or doesn’t feel the need to put any thought into a return gift. Not that I would expect one, but in co-worker gift exchanges, it’s hard to work with a cheapskate who you know doesn’t give a shit about parting with even a fraction of his money, while obviously knowing the gifts he gets from others are thoughtful and clever.
I’m glad that someone brought this topic up as it’s something that crosses my mind every holiday season. I tend to have the same problem when I’m invited to a birthday party of an acquaintance and am not sure if I should bring something or not. It’s definitely an awkward situation. I have a few groups of friends and we “solved” the gifting problem by doing Secret Santa every year – it makes things so much easier!