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By kilax, February 11, 2012 8:50 am

This got really long, so I put a nice little summary at the end for you (see the bullet points). 

I keep having these frustrating, uncontrollable outbursts of anger. Something sets me off and I snap, yelling, cursing, storming around the house, slamming things, hitting things*. Generally, being a lot of fun to be around. 

Every time it happens I feel ashamed that I feel so out of control. And even more ashamed that I am dealing with feeling out of control by being even more out of control!

I’ll try to explain that last sentence – lately I feel like I have been caught in a lot of crappy situations (at work) and that I have no power to speak up for myself. When I try, I am further shut down, and ridiculed. It would be inappropriate to go in to much detail (I feel I have already said too much) but I have to say that I have been feeling like I have NO support (where it’s effective) lately, and that I cannot do anything right, despite working so hard. And I tend to stand up for myself, and the fact that I can’t (and have no one to talk to that can do anything, trust me) is making me crazy. 

Feeling out of control most hours of the week has seemed to seep in to my personal life, making me act like I am out of control – the anger, the overeating, being moody and uncooperative (to Steven). It is no wonder I shut down this week and cut off communication with people (not intentionally**).

Making this connection gives me hope that I can get out of this spiral. I’ve got to, because I am really starting to feel crappy, most of the time. I never used to think about work on the weekends, or after work, yet I am. Interestingly, I made the revelation that this was happening to me last February, around the same time. The fact that I cannot remember what the big deal was then, also gives me hope that this will all end soon.

So, kind of switching gears, I want to talk about control, and how it seems to be such a big issue for me. Internally, I seem to always need to have some feeling of control, even if it’s a facade. And the control I want seems to be focused on two things – controlling my schedule, and doing what I want to do. 

So on Monday, when my trip was canceled, and my schedule got all messed up, well, you can see why that made me crazy. I am unfortunately anal about my schedule, when I really don’t need to be. Be more liquid, right (I never said that was my goal, although maybe it should be)? Why is it that I have it set in my head what my day is going to be, and that I struggle so much when that is thrown off?***

I think part of that is because I commute. So I have to plan my day out. Wake up between 4:00-4:30. Catch the train. Work 7:00-4:30 (or 6:30-4:00), get home by 6:00, exercise or cook dinner, watch a movie with Steven, sleep. I feel like I don’t have much free time so I have to really work my schedule in to fit in the things I want to do.

And that is the other control struggle. I constantly feel like I am not getting to do the things I want to do. But if you asked me right now what I wanted to do? Well, I wouldn’t know what to tell you (except, go back to bed)! Running is always my first answer. But I think I have had a newsflash lately – running is not enough.

Yikes! It feels weird to type that out. But I think it’s true! Running cannot be my only hobby, my only “me” time! Erin and I were talking about how it appears that we have so much us-time and down-time because we work out so much, but to us, working out is something we as essential. We have to fit it in most days of the week, to feel good. We enjoy it, yes, don’t get us wrong, and it is fun, but it is not as relaxing as sitting on the couch, or meditating, or diving in to a book. 

This is getting way too long. To sum it up:

• I feel like I have no control over certain situations in my life right now
• That is making me feel out of control in other areas of my life (and making me generally unhappy)
• I have an innate need to control my schedule and get to do what I want to do
• Yet I don’t know what I want to do

Conclusion:

I need a vacation (and a break from adult responsibilities!) – that is what fixed me last year.

The good news:

I have a vacation planned to see my best friend in NYC. And I get to spend the whole day tomorrow with my best friend out here. Boo yah. 

Do you struggle with feeling in control? Or are you more easy going than me?

Thanks for reading this. I feel better after typing it out. Blogging is therapeutic for me. 

*Never people or animals.
**I feel so awful. My older brother came in to town this week and foudn out he would on Monday. He tried to text me to let me know but couldn’t get a hold of me because my phone was broken. He said “Oh, Kim must not care I am coming. That’s nice.” . He said this totally jokingly but it made me feel bad! I did see him Thursday night, after he got a hold of Steven.
***Another reason I should never have kids – I don’t know how to be flexible with my schedule at all! 

Comments (41)

By kilax, February 10, 2012 4:47 am

What is your definition of introvert/extrovert and which characteristics do you identify with more (introvert, extrovert, in-between)?

Is it just me, or do the dictionary.com definitions of introvert and extrovert seem to be… lacking?

Introvert = shy? Hmm, really? That seems too cut and dry. And definition #2 makes them just sound self-centered!

Outgoing? Social? That is it?

This is why I am asking for your definitions and which you relate to more! These are the black & white definitions I have always thought of for introverted vs extroverted in my head, but I think there is so much more going on than that. 

I keep running across references to this book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (another possible definition – introvert – quiet?). And I keep running in to introvert/extrovert references in the research I am doing for work (office design). It’s really making me interested in doing more research on my own! But, I haven’t. So I don’t have anything to share with you yet. Except, this quiz (click link and scroll down) which will give you an idea of if you are introverted or extroverted. 

Like I said, I always thought extroverted = outgoing, always busy, full schedule, and introverted = keeping to yourself, not very social, always alone. The thing is, neither of those close-minded descriptions fit me. I am very independent and love love love my free time, but I also keep a somewhat busy social calendar, love chatting with new people, and making new friends. I am not shy at all, am rarely embarrassed and it’s hard to get me to shut up. Yet I have days, and weeks (like this one!) where I just want to chill at home with my husband, and only see my closest friends. So where do I lie on their scale? 

I would say I am mostly extroverted, with a bit of introverted in me too (Hey – peeps who know me in real life – what do you think I am?).

But, I am 13/20 for that quiz (which I highly recommend) – meaning I am more introverted. According to one quiz. Hmm. (Or maybe, ha ha)

The Gnu Bars Giveaway winner is #16, Gingerfoxxx! Gingerfoxxx, please email me your mailing address (to kilax@ilaxstudio.com) and I will get the sampler pack sent your way!

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By kilax, February 9, 2012 2:30 pm

Last night during my run, I started to get this nagging soreness on my outer right foot.

During strength class, it was not comfortable to do moves that put pressure on my right foot.

Today I can feel the irritation when I wear running shoes and walk around.

It doesn’t feel like a bone or muscle, and lo and behold, you can see the irritation on the outside of my foot.

Sock still on to hide my scary toenails

What the heck is this?

Time for you all to analyze…

And… GO!

Already someone has asked me if it’s my shoes. I thought not, but maybe it is? Also, I should note, this is not the foot I have plantar fasciitis* in (that is my left foot, and it’s been feeling good, except for a flareup last Saturday).

Oh! And edited to add: I did roll this foot when I was walking outside during my lunch break on Tuesday.

*Boo yah, spelled it right on the first try!

Comments (29)

By kilax, February 9, 2012 4:43 am

Some of these bullets turned in to downer bullets (kind of funny after the last post). That is not a reflection of my actual mood!

• My head was in outer space last week, and I accidentally sent back our unopened Netflix DVD without realizing it (I thought it was one we had already watched). I was bummed on Friday night when I found out we didn’t get to watch Contagion since I sent it back. Duh. Has anyone else ever sent back their unopened Netflix movie by accident?
• We did get to watch Contagion on Tuesday night (Netflix sent it back to us). 
• Speaking of movies, Erin had a really fun idea for a rating system if I start to do movie reviews here. Maybe I will work on that at the end of the month!
• In case Monday was not already bad enough (after the canceled trip fiasco), I decided to ruin my phone by spilling a bottle of water on my wallet, which my phone was in. Oops. Actually, this doesn’t bother me too much – I was feeling anti-social anyway. The only bad part is that my phone was my MP3 player!
• The good news – I did take the canceled trip as a cue to take it easy and did not schedule any extra lunches, or evening plans this week. I have felt like I’ve had more free time. 
• Binge free February did not start out so well. I am really struggling and don’t like talking about it. I actually bought a food journal – something that has never worked for me in the past, but I am willing to give it another try! The journal came yesterday. It has a huge instruction section with weight loss tips, and it even comes with “stickers to conceal that you are using a diet journal” (see cover sticker that says that). I find the stickers very humorous. 

• Kind of related: I thought this article on mindful eating and Buddhism to be interesting. Put  your fork down between bites, think about what you are eating – so simple, but hard for me.
• Did I mention I have an assistant at work? But only when I work from home:

• What do you guys think of my “Random Thoughts Thursday” posts? This is just where I put all the little ideas that don’t deserve a whole post… but then it does get quite long!

Link Love:

• I loved Maggie’s post yesterday – “I’m Doing This For Me” – about the people in her life who question her running (is she running too much/why does she run so much/does she have time to run/etc.?!). Lately I have talked to a lot of people who are getting these types of comments about their running. It always surprises me when people are not happy for you when you tell them you are exercising.
• Gina finished the C25K program and can run for three whole miles! Check out her post here. I am so proud of Gina!!!

Other Random Thoughts Thursday Posts: IX, VIII, VII, VI, V, IV, III, II, I.

Comments (42)

By kilax, February 8, 2012 5:14 am

According to this obvious Chicago Tribune article on Facebook, if you have a low self-esteem/a negative self-image, then mostly posting “glum, pessimistic status updates” on Facebook will push others away.

Seems obvious, right?

This article made me think of my post on online identities (and also about how happy Facebook pictures making you sad), because the study recommends for people who “lack self-confidence” to “accentuate the positive”:

“We do not advocate being inauthentic,” the authors write. But if social networkers who lack self-confidence want to use Facebook to get around their social anxieties, they might want to accentuate the positive. “Rather than posting phony positive updates, [those with low self-esteem] might try sharing more of the positive things that do happen to them, and try being selective about what negative things they post.”

They also point out that people who think positively of themselves and post “discouraged, sad or angry” statuses from time to time, are “swarmed with expressions of comfort and support.” And that people who think negatively of themselves, but post something upbeat, they are “similarly rewarded with electronic expressions of friendship.”

Four thoughts came to my mind when I read this article:

1. People who are moody (or lacking self esteem) in real life are going to be that way on Facebook too. Their Facebook friends probably already know this. Let them be themselves.
2. If someone is always moody in real life, I will probably avoid them (this is not to say I won’t be kind to a someone who has self-esteem issues, but I am not going to purposefully spend my time with someone who is not fun to be around). So yeah, if they act that way all the time on Facebook, I will avoid them there too.
3. Let’s not confuse sarcasm with pessimism.
4. This article seems to imply that people are trying to make friends on Facebook. And that you should post upbeat/optimistic status updates to do so. Who is trying to make NEW friends on Facebook? Really – anyone? I use it to connect to people I already know or have met, and share information. In MWF Skeeing BFF, the author quotes a Times interview from 2007 where Mark Zuckerberg says that Facebook was never intended to help create new friends – it’s about “making communication more efficient between existing friends.” Of course, that was 5 years ago, so who knows what the intent of Facebook is now.

What kind of Facebook statuses turn you off? Do you notice anyone who is particularly negative all the time?

Do you regularly post status updates? About what?

I rarely post Facebook status updates. It’s not my thing. I am more likely to write something short and post it here.

I wanted to link to this post by TooTallFritz – where she emphasizes she would rather have people be real online about their struggles in life, rather than saying everything is all good, all the time. I think I tend to agree. You are more relatable if you are real. Share the good and the bad. 

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By kilax, February 7, 2012 4:19 am

It’s taking me longer than I thought it would to eat all of those LUNA Chocolate Dipped Coconut bars because I found a new bar that I love! A few weeks ago, Erin pointed out a good deal on Gnu Bars to me. These weren’t on my radar at all! But the price was good for the sampler pack of all 7 flavors, and they are vegan, so I ordered them.

And wow. They taste so so good.

There are seven flavors, of which I have tried and love five: Chocolate Brownie, Cinnamon Raisin, Lemon Ginger, Orange Cranberry, and Peanut Butter. I have not tried Espresso Chip (don’t like coffee) or Banana Walnut (don’t care for tree nuts).

Image credit here

The Gnu Bars are advertised as being fiber bars – each bar has 12 grams of fiber. I don’t need more fiber in my diet, but really enjoy the flavor and texture of these, so I have been having one from time to time.  At only 130 calories they make a great snack, and they are chewy and a bit dense – the way I like bars/cookies.

I haven’t seen these bars in the stores (maybe at Whole Foods?) and thought maybe some of you have not seen them either, so I ordered 7 more for one of you to sample!

Gnu Bars Giveaway Rules

1. One reader will receive one of each flavor of Gnu Bar: Chocolate Brownie, Cinnamon Raisin, Lemon Ginger, Orange Cranberry, Peanut Butter, Espresso Chip and Banana Walnut.
2. Required to enter the giveaway: tell me which Gnu Bar flavor you are most excited to try.  
3. This giveaway is open until 5:00 PM CST on Thursday February 9. I will use random.org to select the winner. I will announce the winner on Friday February 10. 
4. This giveaway is open to all readers.

Comments (35)

By kilax, February 6, 2012 9:07 am

Skip this post if you don’t want to read a whiny rant.

I wasn’t going to write about this, but I’ve had an upsetting morning, so why not.

I woke up in a fit in the middle of the night this weekend, huffing and puffing and tossing and turning. Steven woke me up to ask what was wrong and I said “I just want some time to myself!” I don’t recall this conversation, but I 100% believe it, because I have been feeling STRESSED out lately about not having any time to just be on my own and chill (and this is not related to Steven or any specific person, this is related to being too stressed and busy).

The reason I wasn’t going to write about this is because everyone probably feels this way – stretched too thin, overworked, too busy, juggling to fit things in… why complain about it?

But this morning pushed me over the edge.

Last week I was notified very last minute that I needed to clear my schedule for work travel this week. I talked to my coworkers about covering my projects, did a lot of extra work to make it easier for them, booked my travel, made plans to see my best friend in the city I was traveling to, rearranged my schedule for this week… basically I was running around like crazy trying to get things figured out. I was feeling stressed.

I drug my luggage on the train and in to the office this morning. I couldn’t turn my computer on this morning (card reader issues – fun way to start the day), so I looked my Blackberry and had a notice the trip was canceled (to be rescheduled).

Because the Giants won the Superbowl (apparently?).

Ah, how ironic that I was writing about “some football game” yesterday.

I HATE having my schedule messed with. I know it’s something I need to get better at, but jeez, this really upset me.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

The part that upsets me is that this was supposed to be part of that announcement that was made about me in December. I feel like I am getting nowhere lately. And slowfuly and painfully.

I am not handling stress well right now, and I just feel like shutting down and giving up.

Since this trip was canceled, I am going to use it as a sign to take it easy this week and not do ANYTHING extra. So I will be a bit anti-social (in real life, not blogging) for awhile until I get back to the old me.

Comments (34)

By kilax, February 6, 2012 4:47 am

Do you regularly keep your fingernails painted? Why or why not? If yes, do you paint them yourself?

Since the holidays, I have been regularly painting my nails. I am a nail chewer, and keeping polish on them keeps them out of my mouth. I am kind of amazed at how long they have become when I am not chewing on them all the time (imagine that!).

For all of January, I have been rockin’ either this glittery purple or gold (2nd and 3rd bottle from right):

But… I have a business trip this week and decided those colors might not be the most appropriate. So I switched to a shimmery tan.

And I guess that is my real question – do you think nail polish is appropriate in the office? 

Almost all the ladies on my team wear nail polish, and sometimes some really wild (but good looking) colors. But – we are a design team!

Interestingly, my favorite coworker is obsessed with nail polish, and has a huge collection and knows most of the color names from the top brands. She would probably be ashamed to know how old my bottles are, and that I don’t take care of them* (by keeping them in the fridge – hey – I did when I lived on my own!). I would love to replace my collection with some newer, fresher, colors.

*The first shimmery color I tried just clumped up on my fingernails. I ditched that bottle and bought four new ones on Sunday.

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By kilax, February 5, 2012 6:05 pm

Day 834 | January 30, 2012: 6 m run (10×1 minute hard/1 minute recovery)

Two mile warm-up, followed by 10×1 minute hard/1 minute recovery, and 1.5 mile cool-down. 

The minute “hard” segments were at goal 5K pace – between 7:25-7:40. My minutes: 7:30, 7:29, 7:22, 7:22, 7:12, 7:14, 7:14, 7:18, 7:29, 7:08.

Felt okay while I was doing it, but have no idea how I will sustain that for an entire 5K (under) 23 minutes!

Distance: 6.0 | Start Temp: 41° | End Temp: 38° | Time: 52:07 | Avg Pace: 8:41

Day 835 | January 31, 2012: cross

Erin and I took the cardio kickboxing class together. I was feeling really strong, except for my stomach. I had a snack attack and the afternoon and that was not playing well with class. 

Day 836 | February 1, 2012: 6 m run (easy) + strength class

I was too tired to get out of bed in the morning to do my run so I did it right before strength class. 

Distance: 6.0 | Start Temp: 43° | End Temp: 37° | Time: 54:41 | Avg Pace: 9:07

In strength class we did stations with medicine balls, then used soft balls in between. I really like the soft balls – they are just big enough that it is challenging to grip one with one hand. We do all sorts of things with them – punches, side raises, squats… I have one soft ball of my own at home. I think it’s fun to toss it to someone while doing crunches. 

Day 837 | February 2, 2012: rest

Day 838 | February 3, 2012: 5.5 m run (easy)

I met Bobbi at the Rollins Savanna for a 5 mile (turned into 5.5 mile) run. I feel bad – Bobbi asked how things were at work and I let it all out. Then bitched about some other things. Thanks for listening, Bobbi! We went to Dunkin’ Donuts after our run for drinks (hence the awesome background in our photo).

I love Bobbi’s new haircut! I want to chop my hair off!!!

Oh! I almost forgot to mention – we saw a few coyotes while we were running. That was pretty cool (photo from Bobbi):

Distance: 5.5 | Start Temp: 31° | Time: 55:32 | Avg Pace: 10:06

In the late afternoon I had a personal strength training session at Brian’s. I thought it was pretty easy at first – just ketllebells, soft balls, and walking pushups (okay, that was not easy) – until Brian had me put on a weighted vest to do some moves again and some new ones!

Day 839 | February 4, 2012: 13 m run (easy w/last 2 miles @ MP)

My younger brother and his wife were visiting, so I woke up early to get my 13 miles in before we all started our day. Reminds of of long runs in the summer – waking up early to beat the heat! Only this time, it was in the 30s the entire run (which was quite nice). 

Not quite so nice – my stomach was in knots for this entire run. Hmm, maybe my trail mix is not doing me any favors. Bummer. Whatever was going on, I completed the run and ran my last two miles just under marathon pace (9:00mm) at 8:55 and 8:41. I am always amazed when I can pull those “fast” miles out after a long slow run, but I think I am just anxious to finish!

Distance: 13.0 | Start Temp: 36° | End Temp: 36° | Time: 2:12:15 | Avg Pace: 10:10

Day 840 | February 5, 2012: 5.5 m run (easy)

I cut .5 miles off of my scheduled 6 easy 6 miler to subtract for the .5 extra I ran on Friday. It felt so weird (in a good way) to be out running in the beginning of February, with no hat or gloves, a long sleeved tee, and capris. I had to dodge a lot of cars covering the sidewalks for this run. I think a lot of people were having parties to watch some football game?

Distance: 5.5 | Start Temp: 39° | End Temp: 35° | Time: 49:00 | Avg Pace: 8:55

Week Summary: 36.0 miles

Comments (16)

By kilax, February 4, 2012 5:25 am

I have turned in to a truly lazy athlete. Not lazy in the sense that I don’t work out hard – I do. Just lazy in the sense that I don’t plan any of my workouts. I don’t have to think about them! I have Britt for my running, and Brian (Essential Fitness, LLC) for my strength training*. They get me by, week by week. Now, if only I had someone to help me stretch…

Seriously though, I was leaving Brian’s studio last night, and thought about how I would likely not do any of the strength moves he has me try unless I was working with him. Before we started working together, I would do The 30 Day Shred from time to time. Then I met him for the first time last January and he gave me (and the rest of the club people in attendance) a little book of exercises. I used that for awhile. But I was not doing this:

What is that? I don’t recall the name of the piece of equipment but I thought it was fun. And tough. And you guys remember I work for the CIA, right? I decided to wear my bullet proof vest to our session:

Just kidding! That is a 10-lb weighted vest that I wore for the last half of our session. Brian said something like, “I don’t ever want you to gain back the weight you have lost, but here is a reminder of what it used to feel like” (he said it more cool and eloquent than that of course). 

What is the point of all this babbling? Well, I was just thinking – I have been taking Brian’s strength class on and off since March 1, 2011, and working with him personally since May 26, 2011 (first session June 3, 2011)- and it has made a huge improvement on my overall fitness level and how I feel. And here is the strange thing:

I really, really, really like doing strength training now. 

I never did it before because I thought it was boring and I didn’t get a high from it, like I do from running. But I leave a strength session now feeling energetic and strong. I LOVE IT!

What do you do for strength training?

Are you motivated enough to do it on your own, or do you have to take a class/use a trainer like I do?

Have you guys seen “Shit Women Say to Personal Trainers”? Kind of funny. I don’t think I have said any of that stuff though. Have you?

*Alright, I do get myself to kickboxing and on the bike trainer from time to time. On my own.