Spiraling out of control
This got really long, so I put a nice little summary at the end for you (see the bullet points).
I keep having these frustrating, uncontrollable outbursts of anger. Something sets me off and I snap, yelling, cursing, storming around the house, slamming things, hitting things*. Generally, being a lot of fun to be around.
Every time it happens I feel ashamed that I feel so out of control. And even more ashamed that I am dealing with feeling out of control by being even more out of control!
I’ll try to explain that last sentence – lately I feel like I have been caught in a lot of crappy situations (at work) and that I have no power to speak up for myself. When I try, I am further shut down, and ridiculed. It would be inappropriate to go in to much detail (I feel I have already said too much) but I have to say that I have been feeling like I have NO support (where it’s effective) lately, and that I cannot do anything right, despite working so hard. And I tend to stand up for myself, and the fact that I can’t (and have no one to talk to that can do anything, trust me) is making me crazy.
Feeling out of control most hours of the week has seemed to seep in to my personal life, making me act like I am out of control – the anger, the overeating, being moody and uncooperative (to Steven). It is no wonder I shut down this week and cut off communication with people (not intentionally**).
Making this connection gives me hope that I can get out of this spiral. I’ve got to, because I am really starting to feel crappy, most of the time. I never used to think about work on the weekends, or after work, yet I am. Interestingly, I made the revelation that this was happening to me last February, around the same time. The fact that I cannot remember what the big deal was then, also gives me hope that this will all end soon.
So, kind of switching gears, I want to talk about control, and how it seems to be such a big issue for me. Internally, I seem to always need to have some feeling of control, even if it’s a facade. And the control I want seems to be focused on two things – controlling my schedule, and doing what I want to do.
So on Monday, when my trip was canceled, and my schedule got all messed up, well, you can see why that made me crazy. I am unfortunately anal about my schedule, when I really don’t need to be. Be more liquid, right (I never said that was my goal, although maybe it should be)? Why is it that I have it set in my head what my day is going to be, and that I struggle so much when that is thrown off?***
I think part of that is because I commute. So I have to plan my day out. Wake up between 4:00-4:30. Catch the train. Work 7:00-4:30 (or 6:30-4:00), get home by 6:00, exercise or cook dinner, watch a movie with Steven, sleep. I feel like I don’t have much free time so I have to really work my schedule in to fit in the things I want to do.
And that is the other control struggle. I constantly feel like I am not getting to do the things I want to do. But if you asked me right now what I wanted to do? Well, I wouldn’t know what to tell you (except, go back to bed)! Running is always my first answer. But I think I have had a newsflash lately – running is not enough.
Yikes! It feels weird to type that out. But I think it’s true! Running cannot be my only hobby, my only “me” time! Erin and I were talking about how it appears that we have so much us-time and down-time because we work out so much, but to us, working out is something we as essential. We have to fit it in most days of the week, to feel good. We enjoy it, yes, don’t get us wrong, and it is fun, but it is not as relaxing as sitting on the couch, or meditating, or diving in to a book.
This is getting way too long. To sum it up:
- I feel like I have no control over certain situations in my life right now
- That is making me feel out of control in other areas of my life (and making me generally unhappy)
- I have an innate need to control my schedule and get to do what I want to do
- Yet I don’t know what I want to do
Conclusion:
I need a vacation (and a break from adult responsibilities!) – that is what fixed me last year.
The good news:
I have a vacation planned to see my best friend in NYC. And I get to spend the whole day tomorrow with my best friend out here. Boo yah.
Do you struggle with feeling in control? Or are you more easy going than me?
Thanks for reading this. I feel better after typing it out. Blogging is therapeutic for me.
*Never people or animals.
**I feel so awful. My older brother came in to town this week and foudn out he would on Monday. He tried to text me to let me know but couldn’t get a hold of me because my phone was broken. He said “Oh, Kim must not care I am coming. That’s nice.” . He said this totally jokingly but it made me feel bad! I did see him Thursday night, after he got a hold of Steven.
***Another reason I should never have kids – I don’t know how to be flexible with my schedule at all!
Themocracy
I need to know what to expect. Some might call it control, but honestly I think of it as being prepared. The commute is tough. Mine isn’t as long as yours, but I do understand how hard it is. Can you dive into a book during your commute? Or be weird like me and make a group of friends that you look forward to seeing at the end of the day? (we now have our own page on Facebook 😉 ).
How about making a list of things you want to accomplish (outside of work) for you each week? Including painting your nails, lunch dates, etc. That way when you cross them off, you are feeling accomplished.
I find that I get very emotional if someone disrupts my plans. (ie the school district changing the boarders, and I have ZERO control over it)
Anyway..good luck. Have fun with your friend tomorrow.
You know, I have so much “free time” to myself during that commute, you would expect it to be relaxing, right? But you know as well as I that it is not! It’s cool you have train friends. I use that time to read blogs on my netbook because reading a real book puts me to sleep every time I try!
I like that list idea. I kind of do that by putting the appointments in my calendar, but it would be good to have a more concrete plan 🙂
I definitely know what you mean. Especially this time of year, it seems like all I do is work and go home and sleep. I was beginning to feel the same way, out of control. I set aside parts of two days and reorganized a ton of things in my house and in my car. Now I’m finding it easier to feel in control, because there is more organization. Now, my first choice would have been a vacation, in a warm place…which I am still in need of…but this worked too!
Yes sometimes I feel out of control. Its not fun when that happens. I have been known to lose it and lash out at people too.
The problem with vacations is the stack of work you have to come back to after being gone a week. Which I get to deal with this week… this is not good when doctor wants to check my blood pressure two days after being back. Ugh! I do no want bed rest in my future.
Are you doing okay?
I feel fine but the appointment before my vacation my blood pressure at 160/91. After they had me lay down for 5 minutes it dropped to 140/71 Doctor had me take a blood test to rule out pre-clamsia. I passed. I was told I could still go on our trip but had to take it easy. I also had to have my BP checked while on vacation. I did, it was 122/81. I had another appointment this past friday and BP was still normal. Doc wants to see me on wednesday (after being back at work for two days). If BP spikes again theres a chance I’ll be put on bed rest. Ick! While we were on vacation if we weren’t going out to dinner or into town for groceries I was on the couch or in bed with my feet up.
I am trying to stay optimistic but after running a few errands yesterday I felt super drained. So I checked my BP at one of those machines you see at walmart/drug stores (which my doc did say weren’t always reliable) and it was 144/91. 🙁 Bedrest = less time with baby after he/she is born.
Oh and as of right now no more exercise (at all) until I get the clear from the doctor. That is also driving me nuts.
Oh no! I wonder what is causing this rise and fall of your BP and making you feel so drained. 🙁 I hope you were still able to enjoy your vacation.
I’m not sure what the answer is but I’m wondering if focusing on something more positive would help? Sometimes if I can just “step aside” from the things that are bothering me and refocus on something else it reduces the energy or impact from what is driving me nuts. Just a thought. And also, maybe you do need more sleep!
That is a very good idea. I think I will focus on my trip. And seeing my friend. And that I get to spend the day with Steven! Thanks 🙂
A vacation would definitely help. I’m sorry you are feeling this way 🙁
Maybe I’ve mellowed with age, or maybe having kids has FORCED it on me, but as much as I hate my schedule getting jacked up, I am much better able to take it in stride now. But this time of year is hard for me too…it’s frustrating to want the winter to end while knowing that there’s a good month of it left. Total SAD. Yuck.
I know if anyone can relate, you can! Especially this week. You should write a post about how you fit it all in 🙂 I would like to read that.
I hope you can build in some chillax time for yourself. I know it probably seems impossible to do that right now. I think your chill time with Erin this weekend will help a ton and so will NYC. We all need this right now.
I like having a set schedule, too. I hate when things that are beyond my control eff things up. Like for instance: I am at work right now. Sigh. Leaving soon.
Gina. I hope the only reason you went in to the office is because you forgot your flowers? yes?
I know that is not the truth and you are swamped. I hope our visit is a fun staycation for yous guys.
I bet a vacation would help. I love having a set schedule but due to my work I am forced to be flexible. Things change at work often, priorities and deadlines so I am forced to be ready to drop everything and change my life. I just try to balance it. Its not easy but its always a process.
I’m going to come out of left field here and ask if you’ve had your vitamin D levels checked? Especially since this happened at the same time last year. This has made a huge difference for me.
I should have them checked! What did the recommend to you for help? I do take D now to help with my calcium intake (pill) and try to get some sun each day, but who knows.
It sounds like running is the hobby you challenge yourself with. Balance does seem to require a passive hobby and an active hobby. Or at least I find that to be true for myself.
Do you think the fact it’s happening in late February could make it winter or weather related? I know I had trouble over the long, harsh winter months when I lived in Buffalo and even in South East Missouri where it’s not so harsh. It’s much easier here in South Carolina where winter is mostly “jacket weather.”
Thanks for visiting my blog Tina! I added your blog to my reader to check out. I took a peak and saw Worf and knew I would like it.
Ooo, I like this passive vs active hobby idea. Very good point.
And maybe it is the weather too. Although this winter has been so mild it’s hard to blame it on that. I guess we still have the darkness.
Can’t claim credit for the idea of different types of hobbies. Lifted it directly from The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Even if you don’t read the book, her blog – happiness-project.com – is greatly helpful for anyone and everyone trying to get the most fun, joy and happiness out of life. She has helped me so much with procrastination and perfectionism, I can’t begin to explain.
I actually have that book and read almost all of it except for the last few chapters. I took a ton of notes on it. I should pick it up again.
Kim, I hate to hear that you are feeling this way and that work has you so down!! I can completely relate to what you are saying about your schedule and having control over it, I tend to freak out if my schedule is disrupted. It pisses me off that you have no one at work to talk to about this and that they just shut you down, so not cool. I really really do hope your time with Erin today and with Gina next week helps you relax and recharge!! (Getting away and getting to spend time with precious LP should help!!)
=^..^=
Maybe if Gina would send me a pic of LP every day it would help. Hmm. Should I suggest that?
And don’t worry about me. You know I am just being a whiny baby. It does make me feel better to know you can relate to the schedule thing!
I think the daily picture of LP is a fantastic idea!! I don’t think you are being a whiny baby at all!! I would be acting the same way if I was in your shoes!
=^..^=
The longer I follow you, the more I’m certain I’ve found my long-lost twin sister. I’m just gonna quit commenting. From here on out, you can just assume I comment, “Ditto,” on all your posts.
Ha! Sounds like a plan! 🙂 It’s always good to know someone can relate 🙂
I so understand how you feel. Hang in there, and definitely focus on those things that you are looking forward to, such as your upcoming vacation! As valuable as running and working out are, it’s not a bad thing to take a break from them on an occasional basis to sit on the couch, read, or meditate. I actually schedule my couch-potato days out just like any other commitments I have, and I make sure to stick to those plans with the same vigor that I stick to all the conference calls, meetings, etc. Rest days and me-time are just as important as everything else!!!
I hope you have a fabulous, fabulous day today with your best friend – and don’t think at all about work or your other commitments! You deserve it!
I think it’s great that you can make a connection between the time of year – that, at the very least, can allow you to be less emotional (maybe?) about feeling so down and take it as a cyclical thing. I would imagine that the commute is pretty huge and just takes a lot out of you, not only time-wise.
I hope that the weekend will give you a lift that you need. Like others have said, rest days are good for a variety of reasons, so rest lots and have tons of fun!
Oh, Kim, I’m sorry you’ve been feeling this way. 🙁 I have the same issues but they always come around my “time of the month” so I’m fairly certain it’s PMS, which I’ve never had before but I feel SO out of control of my emotions when it happens. It can actually be scary!
It’s hard to not really have a lot of “me” time and having your schedule so SET during the week. I think having something to look forward to always helps. I hope you can figure out what’s causing all the anger and unhappiness. It’s not a fun way to live. 🙁
This is the worst feeling in the world, sounds like it might be time to look into other career opportunities, no one should feel that way at work. Winter time is a killer for me…Maybe you suffer from SAD (like me). Tons of Vitamin D, a LOT of “me” time and don’t put so much pressure on yourself (easier said than done). A vacation with a friend sounds perfect, maybe their perspective of this situation would indeed help.
I have so been there. I had a job that was rather unpleasant and seeped out into the rest of my life. I had the constant feeling that I wasn’t good enough, that I couldn’t try hard enough to make a difference, etc. I developed some pretty unhealthy habits as a result. No, I think I could deal better that I have exercise in my life, which wasn’t a part of my deal back then.
With allergies, there is something known as “allergic load.” It is like you have a bucket, and as you keep adding things you are allergic to, it can overflow. Like maybe you are okay with pet allergies, but when the pollen goes up AND your house is dusty, you hit your allergic threshold and overflow into an allergy attack.
I think it sounds like you have hit your stress threshold. Given your stress load with work, and the schedule changes on top of it, you have just gotten to where your stress is overflowing onto other people and, um, objects, in what you describe as feeling out of control. So you have to either reduce your stress somehow (vacation could help!) or find other ways to deal with it like getting more sleep. (Maybe substitute one exercise session a week for a night in and an early bedtime?)
I like that analogy! And I like the idea of more sleep too!
Julie said exactly whatI was thinking. Exercise is great and I am envious of how consistent you are, but maybe a night off once in awhile to sleep more or just relax and enjoy a “passive hobby” would be good. Stress builds up cortisol which is bad for our heart and yes, waistline. Maybe the extra rest would make for a net win?
And yeah, right after the new year when things calmed down for me, I couldn’t remember any of my hobbies. :p
Taking Tuesday off from exercise is probably why I felt so good that night doing nothing! I always have a rest day but I think now I will make sure I don’t have anything social planned 🙂
Hmm, I don’t remember the active vs passive hobby thing a couple commenters mentioned being in The Happiness Project. Maybe you and I should really get together and make our own happiness project like we kind of talked about a few years ago? I know we’re both planners and having a stupid work situation will make us crazy in all areas of our lives so I bet we could use each other for support!
I’m not sure if Gretchen called it passive and active or that’s just how it downloaded into my brain. Basically, she talked about their being two (or three) different types of fun. The relaxing kind (passive) like TV or reading, then the challenging, frustrating, learn a skill kind of fun like Kim’s running and, for me, sewing.
If you guys do a Happiness Project and blog the results, it would be awesome. I’m not disciplined enough to do all the charts and tracking, but the mindfulness about happiness has helped me.
I like that idea! We should both re-read the book then plan it out 🙂
When I was in my 20s, I worked at a great paying job that allowed me to travel all over the country and paid me handsomely. And then I learned that traveling for work sucks. And who cares how much you make when you’re working all the time. And I wasn’t able to enjoy Chicago, my chosen city, because I was traveling elsewhere all the time. And ick to 15-17 hour work days. And so on. It took me a while to realize that it wasn’t enough. Sure, most of us have to work full time to support our lifestyles. But, outside of that requirement, we have a lot more control over our lives than we think. In your situation, I guess you have to think about what you really want. More time? Well, maybe working so far from home isn’t the answer. Maybe that means moving the two closer together (finding a job closer to home or finding a home closer to work). Or maybe you want a better working environment (new job). Or maybe you want some interests outside of running (check out your local park district for some cost-efficient possibilities). Whatever it is, there surely must be an answer. I think the hard part, though, is figuring out exactly what it is that you want/need to bring you to a better place.
Im so sorry you are having such a hard time Kim. I really hope your boss wake up and realizes what an awesome asset you are to the team. I hope that you will be rewarded for all of your hard work soon. I know its so hard to feel so taken advantage of at work and that nobody appreciates your hard work. When I get down about one thing in particular, I try to think about all of the positive things in my life. It doesnt always work but sometimes it makes me feel better. I hope the vacation helps you relax and get back to feeling more like yourself. Your honesty is always so amazing to me and hopefully just blogging about it and getting it off your chest helps. You have some wonderful readers with awesome comments too. Just remember we all go through the same thing at times and you will get through this. Like I always say, you are one tough chic!!
Laura, you are too sweet to me. How am I lucky enough to have a friend like you?
I don’t expect certain people at work to change, but I am optimistic for the future. And you are so right that I need to look at the good things in my life – there are so many! I am not sure why I am struggling with that so much right now.
The vacation has been great so far and exactly what I needed 🙂