I didn’t mean to call you
Last night a college friend (who was a bridesmaid of mine) called me when I was on the quiet car on the train. I couldn’t answer, but texted her right away to tell her why I didn’t answer and to ask if she wanted to call me later. Her response:
That kind of made me feel sad. We were somewhat close in college, and now we aren’t. Nothing happened between us, we just drifted apart. And I didn’t really want to call her last night either. I wanted to go home and run, then eat dinner and sit my butt on the couch and watch a movie with Steven.
But this made me think – I don’t want to be the person who loses ties with friends (when it’s not on purpose) because we don’t see each other anymore. I have some really good friends now, and I want to keep them! And I know I can do it – I keep in touch with Gina, who lives in NYC, via email, Skype and Facebook (and visits!!!).
Part of my worry* about applying for the DC detail was losing touch with my friends, especially Erin. But, it’s not like I would be moving away forever, or somewhere that is really far away**. And I would be back to Chicago to visit. And I probably don’t need to worry about it, because I am not sure what my chances are of getting the detail. But I worry.
Anyway, I guess this call and text message reminded me I need to work on keeping my good friends in my life. I don’t want situational friends (based on location or working together). I want life-long friends. That is probably unrealistic, but I am young enough that I can still say that and just call myself naive. Yeah, that’s it.
*Honestly, the first thing I thought about was how living in DC could mess up my marathon training. Yeah, I have my priorities straight. Then I thought about being apart from Steven and Data and Erin, and also about all the plans I have in the next few months. I think it would be good for me to do this and be flexible and get the experience and blah blah blah, but that doesn’t mean it’s not scary!
**I was lonely when I spent a summer by myself in Rome, but no one could really visit me there… and I couldn’t really afford to leave either. This is different.
Themocracy
I can understand why her text made you feel sad. Friendships sure can make you feel bad sometimes, like you did something wrong. In my experience, if you are lucky you get a few really good true friends that last you a lifetime and those are the ones to really cherish.
Try not to worry about DC too much (totally easier said than done, I know, as a fellow worrier) – in those kinds of situations I always tell myself that things will work out for the best at the end of the day. My husband was up for a job in DC last year, and he got on the shortlist for it and everything and when he didn’t get it we were terribly disappointed but I know for sure (now) that it was for the best.
You are totally right that things always work out for the best. That was my attitude when I was in Rome and had no idea where I would stay that summer then got a call that someone found a place for me with a few days to spare… things that aren’t meant to happen, happen.
I am sorry about your DC disappointed, even though it was for the best!
Losing touch with friends is hard. But I really feel like if theyre good, life long friends, you can go years without talking and then pick up right where you left off. As sad as it is, some people just wont be in your life forever.
There have been friends in my life who I’ve been sad to lose touch with. One in particualr makes me extremely sad, mostly because it wasn’t ME – I got tired of being the only one putting in any effort.
I don’t think you are being unrealistic at all – that said you are at a point in your life where people move or marry or have kids and things change. All you can do is to try to put the effort in when it matters.
And really? I don’t think a few month detail is going to affect you one bit. You and Erin are solid, running is big in DC and you already manage really well to train while travelling. SO stop worrying (HA! easy for me to say!) and let it happen the way it will 🙂
I was thinking that about our friend with kids. We rarely see most of them. It is kind of affecting our relationships with some of them, but not with others. It’s all about the effort, right?
And thanks for your reassurance!
I know what you mean about wanting to keep in contact with friends. I do have a friend who often times seems to base her friendships on situations and it’s frustrating. We were best friends in college when it was easy but now we rarely see each other even though she only lives 20 minutes away. Part of the issue is our work schedules don’t mesh well but also because she often breaks plans whenever we set something up so I quit trying as much. So sad.
I can understand your worries about the DC detail but I would absolutely LOVE it if you came here. I’d make you run with me for sure.
20 minutes?! That seems close to me!
I had a friend who always broke plans and ended up kind of retreating.
I put in my bio for the detail today! I am hoping I hear something too! At least one other person is applying from my region.
I agree – I have always had friends through school or sports but not until recently have I had friends that I actually spend time with outside the activity that I met them in. Its nice to have a mini group of friends who i stay close with but having friends is hard work and some times its hard to keep up when you have life and running and work.
I thought I had a few friends at work and quickly realized they were just that — work friends — when I cut my hours. Only a couple call/text to just say hello anymore. It’s pretty upsetting. It took me so long to make friends here as it was. When so few people showed up to my baby shower (that I’ve not mentioned on my blog), I sobbed for 45 minutes, asking my husband what it said about me that they didn’t come. He told me it said more about them. :/
I don’t think it’s unrealistic to want or to strive to have life-long friends. In my experience so far, what is unrealistic is to think those friends (especially the ones who don’t live in the same city as you) will always put the same effort into the friendship as you do. So long as you’re ok with sometimes pulling more weight, I think nowadays, it’s actually quite easy to maintain all kinds of friendships!
Staying connected with a friend is a two-way street. I think you and Erin have the type of friendship where you would def keep in touch. I know you have it in you because like you said, we do it! We “talk” in some way shape or form, pretty much daily. It is so natural to have these worries when faced with a pretty big change. But out of all the people I know, you are the one that could do this! You are not afraid to go out there and explore and do things on your own. I promise I will do everything within my power so you don’t feel lonely! I will skype, text, email, chat, train hop, etc.
Aww, thanks Gina. For your confidence in me and for making me not feel lonely! I love our daily interactions!!!
Awwww, we won’t lose touch if you go to DC for a few months! I would miss you, of course, but you’d just have to teach me how to Skype!
I totally understand your sadness, though. I feel that way about a lot of my friends from both high school and college.
I will show you how to Skype if it happens! Skype is fun. Do you have a camera on your computer?
I feel so lame sometimes that I keep in touch with NO ONE from K-12. Is that normal?! I guess that guy at lunch thought we were normal. Ha ha ha.
Reading this post makes me think about the friends that I used to call and hang out with a lot back some years ago but haven’t had any communication with them in as many years. Not on purpose. Just living life in different directions.
And as Gina says above, staying connected is a two way street. Her “didn’t mean to call you” could have resulted in a return call later to do a quick catch up.
I’d feel sad if I got that text too. I am super awful about calling people but I text people all the time to see how they are. WTF with that? I hope to Skype with my far away friends once I get my lap top fixed. I miss their faces.
Aw, I’ve felt that way at points. It’s sad to drift apart from old friends 🙁 You have a great attitude and perspective on it though- it’s good to make an effort to keep people in your life!
Uh, hello-o! My running group would certainly keep you up with your marathon training, and you know it!
I don’t mind having friends that I don’t keep in close contact with, but then catch up with every now and then. I think it can be exhausting to try to stay present in someone elses life while still being successful in yours. Especially when one person is putting in more effort than the other. I think true friendship should be relatively effortless and just rely on two people who genuinely like each other! A lot of my friends have gotten the axe because I was like “Wait.. I don’t actually like you at all.”
I agree that it’s smart to let go of friends that were situational and you find out you don’t really care for! Or if you just start to dislike them, lol.
But I do think long-term friendship is a lot of work (not effortless) – you have to be really caring, understanding, and sometimes forgiving. imo