Emotionally checked out
On the 5th I mentioned that I had a family member in the hospital having surgery to remove a tumor. Later that day I mentioned the surgery went well and they were recovering. I tried not to go in to too many details, because it’s not my story, but I would like to share a bit more.
We found out in March that my mom’s dad had colon cancer. He was the one having surgery on the 5th. He is still in the hospital. He just came out of ICU this Friday, but still has a myriad of problems. He still has cancer in his body, a weak heart (has always had that), liver problems, and pneumonia. He also cannot remember how to swallow and is rapidly losing weight. He can somewhat speak, but it’s more like mumbling and hard to understand him (although seems to be getting better).
A few weeks ago, we found out my mom’s mom had a tumor. She also has colon cancer. She had the tumor removed on Thursday, and seemed to be recovering well (can talk to us, normal pain, etc.). But the doctor told her yesterday that she still has cancer in some of the lymph nodes they took.
Steven and I went to Dubuque, IA on Wednesday night and stayed there through last night. We wanted to be there when my grandma had surgery and spend time with my grandpa.
I hate to say this, but I have to be honest (and I have been with my family) – I had a very hard time being in the hospital. I still feel too raw from all the time we spent there in August/September when Steven’s mom was ill. Some of my family members are staying overnight in the hospital, and while I felt that I should, I just couldn’t do it. We stayed at a hotel. And I feel kind of rotten, but I did the best I can. I am really happy I got to spend that time with my grandparents and my family, even though I felt so torn inside.
The latest news is that both of my grandparents are having heart issues today. It’s kind of a day-by-day game of seeing how they are going to be. It’s really an emotional mess for everyone.
So I am feeling a bit emotionally checked out and anti-social. I don’t feel like blogging or communicating. I just feel blah and worried and upset. And useless that I can’t do more. Or be there more. Or be effective when I am there.
So you know the drill – I may be quiet for awhile, I may not. I have a fun event this upcoming weekend that I know will pull me out of my meh-ness.
And thank you to all of my friends who have been supportive, and to all of you.
Here is a cute picture of my grandparents from our wedding. They’ve always been so incredibly energetic, healthy and fit (fun note – all my life, people have mistaken my grandma for my mom – it happened again last Thursday!). This whole cancer thing is such bullsh*t and really pisses all of us off.
I mean honestly, all of my life, I thought, I want to be as happy and full of life when I am their age. I want to be doing things when I am older (they are in their mid 70s). And I guess that is the thing – my grandma said that my grandpa always told her, “No one should be sad for me if I die. I have lived the life I want to live.” And he has. I just hope he gets to keep on living that life.
Themocracy
Oh wow, you really have a lot going on 🙁 Your family members will be in my thoughts and prayers- no worries if you are quiet for a while. We’ll be here for you!
So sorry, Kim. I’m here if you need to vent. Love you and praying for you.
My grandpa said the exact same thing to my mom when he had cancer. I think its a relief to know that someone feels that way, but on the same end, it doesnt make it any less terrifying.
I hope your grandparents are ok. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Cancer sucks, I really hope they can kick its ass.
That waiting game when people are really sick is tough. It’s hard to know how to feel because you don’t know if they’ll make a great turnaround or decline. And to be watching and waiting on two loved ones must be exponentially hard. Your poor Mom, too!
That was very supportive of you to go to Iowa to see them. I think it was perfectly fine for you to stay in a hotel so don’t feel bad about that.
I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. Cancer sucks and it sucks feeling helpless because really there’s not much you can do. I hope they both have a turnaround and start on their way to recovery.
And don’t worry about not staying overnight in the hospital. I’m sure your relatives who are being treated would prefer you and everyone else to be comfortable elsewhere.
I’m so sorry to read this! Too much on your plate for sure. Thoughts and prayers going your way. What a great pic–I hope they’ll be around for a long, long time.
I’m so sorry my dear friend. My thoughts are with your family this weekend. I hope everything is going ok!
Wow – what a beautiful and happy couple. I’m so sorry for you and your family. You’ll be in my thoughts…
Oh Kim so sorry to hear about all this. I hate being in hospitals too after my grandpa dies when I was 15. I just can’t take the smell because I have a strong sense of smell and whenever I smell hospitals, all those memories come flashing back. Hopefully things will get better! Prayers to your family!
Everyone handles these situations in their own way. There is no “right” way so if someone tries to say there is, just remind that that their experience is not your experience. Being older than you, I have said good-bye to my grand parents and parents. It is never easy and it seems like no matter how hard you try to avoid it, something goes unsaid that you wished you’d thought of at the time. As these people leave us, we must go on with our lives. All people are born to die, no one is exempt. So don’t punish yourself for not being one more person at the hospital vigil. Your grand parents know you love them and that really is enough. Best wishes.
Kim, I’m sorry to hear that things are going the way they are, I was hoping when you had been quiet that things weren’t bad; you were just enjoying family time. You know I am here when/if you need me. You and your family are in my thoughts. And like Carol said, everyone handles things their own way. You and Steven have had a lot on your plate the last year and all you can do is handle everything the best way you can. Don’t feel guilty or rotten, your grandparents know that you love them!! (The picture of them is really cute!) I am thinking of you and your family!
=^..^=
I am so sorry Kim. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I am so, so sorry for you and your family 🙁
F*cking cancer.
Keep being honest with yourself and with your family. That’s the best thing YOU can do.
I’m glad you shared. What you’re going through is tough, to say the least. My thoughts are with you and your family.
What a hard time this must be for you. Too many hospitals for any one person in the span of one year! Thank you for sharing about these two incredible people who you are lucky to have spent many years with. I wish them and your family the best!
HATE cancer. So sorry it’s wreaking havoc in your life right now. We’re all here when you need us 🙂
All you can do is the best you can do…and you are doing that. Your family should get it – I’m glad you are being upfront with them…
That’s tough! *Hugs* from far away — and hope both of them get back to normal (healthy!) soon.
Kim,
SO sorry that you are dealing with a lot of family and emotional issues right now. I also hope that you are able to take care of yourself in whatever way you need. My thoughts will be with you and your family.
Sounds like you have a lot going on. I can completely understand the hospital issue. I haven’t been back into one since last July with Joey’s Mom and can imagine it would be a lot to take in again. Your grandparents look so youthful in that photo from your wedding. I’m always so in awe of friend’s who have youthful grandparents… or grandparents that are still living.
I’ll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, Kim.
What a rotten series of events. It’s always difficult to watch family members in pain, not knowing how or when their pain will end. I’ll keep your family in my prayers.
Fun event = a trip to Cham-bana?
Take life a day at a time Kim. Or an hour if you have too. And do it your way. Everyone lives, copes and heals differently. This is the best time to be true to you.
I am here, only an email away, if you need me.
Kim, I’m so sorry to read this. Cancer sucks…colon cancer really sucks 🙁 There is no right or wrong way to handle this…just continue to be genuine with yourself and your loved ones. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Hi Kim-Im so sorry you have to go through all of this right now. You have had such a rough time with illness lately and I just hope and pray that everything works out for you and your family. I think you are doing the best you can right now and that is all anybody can expect of you. Hang in there and please let me know if there is anything at all I can do from my end. You will be in my daily thoughts and prayers. Laura
oh that is a lot to deal with all at one time, thought it’s never easy. thank you for sharing so that we can all be thinking of you and your family
I’m really sorry. I can totally understand the checking out. I’m hoping for the best for your family.
I hope you are taking care of yourself.( hugs )
It is fucking bullshit. What the fuck.
Kim, I’m thinking of you and your family. I know this is incredible difficult. The picture of your grandparents is beautiful! They have terrific smiles and make a beautiful couple! Take one day at a time, just as your grandparents are and I will pray that healing is on the way for them both. I’ll pray for strength for you. XOXO.
Aww – I’m thinking of you and your family. I love that picture of your grandparents — I don’t know them, but I feel that photo transmits part of their personality & love of life.
Stay strong. Hopefully see you this weekend!
I am so sorry you are feeling so stressed and kind of checked out. Sometimes things are too much, and you just need to take a step back. That is fine! People can only give what they have. At times you need to take a break. No one can possibly deal with the sickness and scariness for long periods of time without needing to take a step back for a short time. I am thinking good thoughts for your entire family! Please let me know if I can do anything to help you!
Your feelings are very normal, K. Seriously, you can’t control grief, you just go along for the ride really. Being there, showing up, even if you feel like you are doing it “wrong” is the best you can do. I say this having lost a father and both my grandparents. You just show up and that is everything. It’s hard to be there for the ailing while also having your own set of feelings, not wanting to burden them, wanting to be strong and put together. But you have to feel what you feel. And staying at a hotel is not a bad thing- that’s good self-care in a stressful situation. It’s totally understandable that you’d be anti-social and withdrawn. To have one loved one in the hospital is one thing, but two? That’s a lot to handle, friend.
I will keep your grandparents in my thoughts. I sincerely hope they are able to have more time together living life. It sounds like they have made the most of the time they’ve already had which is always an inspiration. We should all be so lucky to hit our 70’s and say, “I have lived a good, full life.”
xoxo
Oh wow, Kim. I’m so sorry to hear this. I don’t blame you one bit for staying in a hotel. People deal with stress and grief and disappointment and despair differently. I hope your family gives you the space you need to deal with tough stuff.
One thing that strikes me is this. As we learn more about the human body, learn how to take care of ourselves and make medical discoveries, we prolong our lives well past those of our ancestors. As our population ages, rates of cancer increase. It’s an unfortunate downside to living longer.
Thinking of you and your family (and totally amazed you’re up for organizing a get-together … had I read this earlier, I would’ve taken the reigns).
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. My grandma has dealt with colon cancer twice but never had to deal with other issues. She had her surgery and then about 8 months of chemo which totally destroyed her quality of life. She has a PET scan this month to see if it has returned. If it does, she’s not pursuing chemo again because she just can’t go through with it for a third time.
Cancer just sucks. SUCKS! I’m sorry.
I’m sorry to hear about this. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.
That’s a wonderful photo of your grandparents.
I’m sorry to read about the current health issues in your family.
Please don’t feel bad about not doing/acting the way you think one “should” when dealing with hospitals and such: everyone is different and handles things differently anyway, what more during emotional times such as these??! Just be true to yourself, I think that’s most important.
I hope all goes well for you and yours.
*lynne*
What a lovely picture of your grandparents! Thinking of you, Kim, and your family, and wishing all of you nothing but the best. If you ever need to talk, don’t hesitate to let me know.