Lacking balance
And that’s “balance” in both the literal and figurative sense.
I was nervous about publishing this post for some reason. I think because it has a lot of anxious energy in it, and I don’t always feel like that needs to be shared. So, read ahead if you want!
Ah, stupid end of the month revelations. After my Sunday race I was thinking about how good I was feeling and what a great month I had, and then, the thought struck me:
Oh sh*t. I am doing it again – putting all of my eggs in one basket.
That would be the running basket. The “I feel great and happy when I can run” basket. That is a nice basket to put your eggs in, until the basket gets a stress fracture, you can no longer run and you end up eating your weight in Oreos.
Okay, so I am not making any sense. Plain and simple, I did have a great month, with a lot of running and running socials as well as other fun get-togethers (a birthday party and baking day), but I am worried about how good of a month it was. Worried that my happiness will be thwarted by another stress fracture and I will have to stop running again. Worried that letting so much of my happiness rely on whether or not I can run is dangerous. It is. It’s way out of balance.
And I am not sure how to fix that. I had stress fractures in August of 2009 and May of 2010 and each time, I kind of… wallowed in self-pity. And ate those Oreos.
What a dumb thing to worry about. Moving right along…
Do you feel like your personal interests are well-balanced? Or is there one interest that kind of takes center stage in your life?
This next part is about body weight, so please skip if it will make you feel uncomfortable.
I wanted to say a few more things about this balance photo from the top of the post. The funny thing is, I saw this little calendar page right after finishing up a tough yoga session and I thought “That is me trying downward dog. I have so much work to do!” Then I made the connection to what I was thinking after the race about putting all of my eggs in the running basket…
And then when I looked at the picture even more, and saw that the woman was balancing on a leaf, I wondered “Is this photo referencing the balance between diet and exercise?” (I know, I was thinking in to it way too much).
But that leads me in to two things I wanted to mention.
The first is that I hope to prevent stress fractures (or any running injury) by eating a healthier diet and getting to a healthier weight (along with doing yoga/cross/strength) – I have it in my mind that if I put less pressure on my lower body when I run, I should be better off. I hope that is true.
The second thing is that I just cannot seem to read excerpts from blogs about people losing x amount of weight (or gaining it, for that matter). I am usually not one to compare myself to others, but when I am trying to eat healthy and get within a healthy weight range, reading about other’s weight loss (I am talking specific numbers here, not eating healthier/having a healthier life style) is just a trigger for comparison for me. Even though I know everyone is different (heights, body compositions, whatever). It’s so bizarre.
I think that it is really easy to get lost in the obsession of being a specific weight, and when I am focusing on getting to a healthy weight, I already feel like I am thinking about it too much, so reading about it elsewhere is not healthy* for me. There. At least I figured that out! It doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear about people trying to lose weight, I do! I just have to avoid the numbers. Or glaze over them.
I know. I’m weird.
Is anyone else weird about seeing weight loss numbers on blogs? Or something else?
I bet some people don’t like to read about exercise! Or veganism. Or Data!
*Jeez, how many times did I just write the word healthy?
Themocracy
I think it’s totally normal to compare yourself with others. Life is a competition. It’s been sorta a competition since the caveman time period. Whoever is “better” survives. At this point in history, it seems like whoever is healthier is “better”. And healthier means being at a weight that we can perform best. I actually see very few weight loss numbers but I do compare myself to bloggers. It usually helps because I’ve gotten better at portion control and intuitive eating. However when I see someone with a really small waist on a blog, I say to myself – “Why can’t I look like that?”
It’s funny though, because I don’t compare myself to others with running, eating, even the way we look. I just don’t care. But somehow, a concrete number does it for me. Weird!
I like the way you look. Bow chica wow wow!!!
I am so glad you had a good month, and I understand your anxiety about repeating those stress fractures. But you have learned a lot about balance with the last two, right? I think if you just keep mindful about how your body feels and focus on taking good care of it, you will be fine…
That said, I agree about the weight – getting it off will make it easier for your body to move with less stress. But I know what you are going through because it is NOT easy to lose weight, particularly when you are fairly close to your healthy weight, AND being a vegan doesn’t mean automatic weight loss (once again this myth is being broadcasted to the world, by Oprah this week…grrr!) I have been struggling with this exact same thing – wanting to be active and healthy but struggling with a stubborn amount of weight that puts me just over a healthy BMI and drives me crazy. I know I will feel better about myself and will have an easier time being active if I can manage to reach my healthy weight, but getting there is tough. I don’t blog about this and definitely don’t put weight numbers on my blog because it feels like a very private struggle to me. But I am with you on this.
Thanks for understanding me Amy 🙂 You’re right – weight is such a personal struggle. It really is. For me anyway. And it sounds like for you too. I think there is a really fine balance between eating healthfully and being at a healthy weight and obsessing about it… and I don’t want to be there. Some days, I just tell myself to focus on how I feel! If I feel good, a number really doesn’t matter 😉
And ugh. I hate when people think vegan = skinny. Uh. No!
I feel the same way! Once I feel all good about running then I end up getting hurt. Both times I have neglected the weights, yoga and cross training so I am trying to learn from my mistakes but I still worry that I will get injured again. yoga is great for the body and important but I know I am not as good as most. Our instructor at the gym always says that this is our time, there are no judgments and that we just need to go what we can do. She is right and so I try to clear my mind and just do as much as feels good for me.
I think doing any yoga at all, no matter how good you do it, has got to be somewhat good for us, right?! 🙂
I don’t think the eggs in the running basket is a dumb thing to worry about at all! I struggle with the same issue. My love of running is so strong, but my downfall last year was so hard. I try more I think now to channel my passion for it into appreciation– thankful for all the runs I get, and not too upset when they don’t go as planned…and I always need to remember to not turn down social plans or avoid activities to dedicate too much to running 🙂
Oh gosh. I have been so grateful even to run! I am happy you brought that up because I forgot to mention it! Even my slow painful runs when I was getting back in to it last July. I was just happy to be out there!
I guess my life feels balanced. I mean, if I miss runs I am not crushed… also, I have had a crappy month as far as mileage goes, so I know that wasn’t what was keeping me happy. 🙂 Glad you had such a fantastic January! It’s probably not good to put all your eggs in that one basket but as long as you are listening to your body and taking breaks when you need to I think you’ll be alright.
As for the weight issues… I’ve never posted my weight on the internet before. I have mentioned my weight during my winter maintenance program but just whether or not I’ve gained/lost/maintained. I’ve been stuck at this particular weight range for a few years now. I guess it’s where my body is comfortable. However, I know I could stand to lose a few pounds and I’m sure it would make me a better runner (or at least I tell myself that).
You do seem really balanced! I love hearing about all of the things you are in to – spending time with family/friends, taking photos, walking Delilah, trying to go skiing, running. I wish I was closer so I could do some of those things with you!
I think if your body does seem to feel good at one weight, you should stick there! My issue is that I have never been able to maintain a certain weight 🙁
totally normal about comparing oneself with others….but that’s the beauty of blogs….you can read what you want and if you want to skip a particular post, you can. I too, have a tough time reading something where someone is totally into their weight in general. What i have found, that is o.k. with me though, is that I’m more interested in reading about Men’s weight loss journeys. i think it’s interesting and maybe enough different from me, that i can take what they are saying as objective..
So, one of the reasons that I’m trying a tri (ha ha) this year is so that I don’t “put my eggs in one basket”. I totally understand that attitude/fear. After 6+ years of not running due to knee issues, I’m finally back, but I’m SO SO nervous about another injury. I think that is why I hesitate to identify myself as a “runner” – it would feel rather devastating to then lose it (again).
As for the weight – I think it’s okay to admit to yourself, “Right now, I cannot read this.” I stay very clear from blogs that mention weight loss myself. I hope, however, that you don’t feel that there is anything wrong with YOU!
Finally, I understand the small freak-out about having such a great month. I used to worry when things were going well because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nowadays, I can take the good AND the bad a bit more in stride.
I think trying a tri is a great way to diversify yourself and protect your knees!
And I do not think there is anything wrong with me. It is just what you said “I cannot read this right now.” Thanks for understanding 🙂
I totally hear you, on SO MUCH of this.
2 things that struck me while reading (and please disregard if you feel like I’m talking out of my ass – this is such a PERSONAL subject, and we all have our own hangups about it that are REAL)…first, I hope you can get to the place in your head that I’ve finally reached. The “I know what a good weight is for ME and everyone else’s good number is simply THEIRS” kind of place. Growing up with a stick skinny Mom and sister when I am NOT stick skinny is hard. But truth be told, right NOW I am more happy with my body weight than either of them, and I have a good 50 pounds on em. Second, weight is not the be-all-end-all indicator of running injuries. Sometimes its lots of other stuff (see beth, at shut up and run). I just don’t want you torturing yourself with a “if I get to a certain weight I’ll no longer get any stress fractures” kind of attitude.
I love that you’re keeping it real. We all have our funky hangups. But also know that I think you are SUCH A COOL person. Keep being you 🙂
Aww, Bobbi. Thanks for your sweet comment and compliment. You are too good to me.
And thanks for bringing up Beth as an example. I didn’t even think about that! Less weight does not equal injury free runner 🙁
Right now, I am not really trying to lose weight to be skinny like someone else (I have no one in mind) – I am just trying to get to a weight where I feel good. I have a really unhealthy relationship with food, and my weight is constantly up and down. I want to get to a stable range and stay there, like you have. I don’t expect to be stick skinny. Does that make sense? Probably not 🙂
I’m not trying to blow smoke up your rear, but I’m always surprised when you talk about not being at a “healthy” weight. What are you using as a measuring stick? I ask b/c you look great to me and I just can’t imagine that you are really overweight, especially considering how well you eat and how much you exercise.
My doctor is really good about telling me I’m at a great weight for my size. As long as my bloodwork is all normal, he is happy. Of course I’m not where *I* want to be, so I get that (pants being tight is the worst!), but I wouldn’t say I’m unhealthy by any means.
(p.s., anyone who doesn’t want to read about Data is not someone I want around anyway. Ha!)
Thank you for your nice compliment! 🙂 I am actually using my clothing size/apperance/weight from races I did awhile back (in spring of 2009) as a guide of where I would like to be. I felt really good then. Right now, I have a lot of extra fat on me. Don’t get me wrong – I am not upset about the way I look! I just want to feel good. 😉
And I am a total emotional eater. I didn’t talk about that, but because of that, my weight is always up and down. I just want to get to a healthy weight and stay there (easier said than done!).
Data appreciates your comment 🙂
You are not weird or dumb. Those thoughts and feelings are totally normal. I think we’re all struggling for balance in our lives and given all that we’re required to do in a day to be a grown up, it’s no wonder we are generally stressed and feeling like we’re not measuring up. It’s a lot! I think you’re right to try to find balance where you find your happiness. It’s a day to day decision about priorities, wouldn’t you say? It’s great you’ve found something (running) that makes you feel good and that you’re supplementing that with a healthy lifestyle and cross training.
As women we’re programmed to think our bodies have to fit a certain mold or they are not beautiful. This is absolute bullshit. And sadly, I’ve bought into it for my entire life. Grrr! What a waste of energy and time and fretting, right? If you can find a way to feel good in your body regardless of ridiculous standards set by outside forces, then you have won. I have definitely had those moments when I’m not feeling strong in myself and read blogs where people are dropping tons of weight and I compare myself to them. The bottom line is, we all have to do what is RIGHT FOR US and not compare ourselves. That goes for body image and relationships and success and all that- everything. Figure out what works for you, what feels good to you, and work it.
Sizzle, will you be my therapist? You make me feel good in a way that makes my struggles make sense. You rock.
You know, even though I think I am pretty close to doing what is right for me, I think I am still struggling. I will keep working at it! 🙂
Everyone else has such good comments! All I can say is that I relate completely to your putting all your eggs in one basket fear. Sometimes I think we let running define us instead of it being a part of who we are.
I can see why concrete numbers in regard to weight loss might be harder than just the general discussion or even photos. It’s like it’s right there in black and white and you can’t even tell yourself that the person weighs the same as you but just carries it differently.
Yeah, I think so too (about running). Maybe we should find some new hobbies to balance it out (together?)?
When you said stress fractures & weight the first person i thought of was Beth but then again there is Deena Kastor who had a stress fracture in her foot and she did water running to help her heal. She then went on to Chicago and she’s an itty bitty thing.
But I share your desire to loose weight to be a healthier runner. If that’s what I am getting from you. I blame my weight for some of my issues last year and my weight is all my responsibility so there is guilt as well.
I totally get the whole reading of weight loss. I belong to a message board and I can’t relate to the one’s who only want to loose 10 lbs because my number is 6x that.
Comparison is hard. Watching weight loss shows and/or reading blogs and seeing people’s weights you can’t help but go “Do I look like that?” OR “Why don’t I look like that at that weight?” Kwim?
Totally KWYM! Even though we are happy for others, that happiness can sometimes make us questions ourselves (weight-wise anyway, I always feel excited about friends’ achievements). And that is not even want they want! It’s just natural, I suppose.
My number is over 10 too. And the thing is, I can remember running being easier and feeling better when I was lighter.
We will get there. I got your back! 🙂
I feel like I need to e-mail you because I have SO MUCH to say. I’ll try to keep it (moderately) short. First of all, I totally understand where you’re coming from with weight gain/loss and posting numbers. I do it because it motivates me and gives me the pressure I need to keep on truckin’. For example, I’m 100% certain I would have gained this week (and given up) had I not known I had to post my results online. So it kept me focused. That said, last night I went to bed depressed because another girl said on Twitter how she lost NINETEEN pounds her first month on Weight Watchers. Umm… it takes me about 3-4 months to lose that! And she doesn’t have all that more to lose than me. Depressing.
Recently, I’ve had to really cut down on the healthy living blogs I read/people I follow on Twitter. This is totally just me but the staunch focus on health, health, health was wearing on me. One girl asked Twitter if they would “hate her” if she took a day off from exercise. And it’s just like, you need to rest your bodies! You can’t go, go, go and never take a day off from exercise. That for me is more of a trigger than anything.
And looking at running times? FORGET IT! I’m not even going to TELL you how many times I’ve been depressed because I’m still struggling with a 12-minute mile while other people run 9-minute miles on their SLOW days.
We all compare ourselves and we all have our different triggers. I need a more balanced focus. I can’t be focused on what I’m eating and how I’m exercising 24/7. I have a ton of other passions and hobbies and I want to cultivate them as well. (And I’m not insinuating healthy-living blogs are bad. They are totally motivating! But they are a trigger for me.)
I hope I made sense. And I’ll stop typing because this is turning into a novel.
You totally made sense and I am so happy you commented. I was worried I would offend you but you totally get it!
I too have purged my Healthy Living blogs. They were huge triggers for me. And some people I read… you can just tell they are depriving themselves, or, like the girl who won’t take a day off from exercise? We should exercise because we want to feel good and we like it! Not what other people will think!
And that 19 pounds thing would have made me feel awful too. That girl must have been on a really crappy diet before, that is all I can say!
I think it posting your weight helps motivate you to stay on track you definitely should! I actually used to, but then it kind of consumed me. I like that you have other hobbies and post about those as well. I think you are a really balanced person!
And the running thing? Don’t feel bad! My pace was in the high 11 range this summer and I was just happy to be running! I know people obsess about pace, but most runners just want to encourage one another to get out there and keep going 🙂 Only the snobby ones judge based on pace. If we lived closer I would totally love to run with you!
I think all of your thoughts and worries are absolutely valid. It’s tough to not have that worry that you might lose something that means so much to you, especially once you’ve lost it (even temporarily) in the past. But, you seem to have such a well balanced system to support you in the event of a downfall (downfall seems overly dramatic, but I can’t come up with a better term at the moment) – Stephen, your family, your friends – they’re all going to be there no matter what.
As for the weight thing – I think it’s something with numbers that are just extra ‘triggering’ (to use a way overused ED term). Numbers are just SO easy to draw comparisons against. A number for me is the same number as it is for you, as it is for Michelle Obama. “I don’t eat a lot of sweets” isn’t the same as “I eat only one sweet every 7 days”, and “I lost some weight” isn’t the same as “I’m 15 pounds lighter.” And besides, it’s pretty darn easy to fudge a number on a blog anyway 😛
Aww, thanks for your upbeat attitude Lauren! That is why I like you so much – you are so optimistic and just fun-loving. I wish we lived closer!!!
And you are so right about the numbers. I think that is why I am okay with text. Seriously, when I see those numbers, I just ignore them!
I’ve honestly been struggling a bit with balance. between a new project at work, A new baby at home, and now working from home – I feel like I have been pulled in about 1000 directions. I’m holding on, but only by a string. (I know this wasn’t exactly what your post was about, but it really struck home with me)
Adam, I can only imagine how tough things are for you, balance-wise, right now. What can we do to help you out? 🙂
You and I are SO MUCH alike! I’ve been worried about putting all of my eggs in my running basket, too. With my foot still sort of bothering me, it’s a constant reminder that I canNOT overdo it and only run, as I have in the past. It’s SO much easier said than done, though, since running is my favorite!
And I have definitely had to stop reading certain blogs for various reasons. It makes me sad, but there are some that focus SO much on numbers, and not only that, but are going down a destructive road. There is one blog I read in particular where the person is doing some things that are of concern to me….and I’ve had to really cut down on my reading. I know she doesn’t mean for it to be triggering at all, but it definatly can be!
You fit in spin and other types of workouts, right?
I unfortunately read blogs like that too 🙁
I agree with others in the comments-you look so good! I sometimes wonder who is writing this blog, since you look so good and you run so much and you eat so healthy (it seems)…so what’s the issue, yo? 🙂
I like to read success stories of people who have lost a great deal of pounds, so for that purpose, numbers are important to me. I could almost lose triple digits of weight (almost), so to read that someone lost 100 pounds in the last year or two (or six) is inspiring. HOWEVER, someone who posts every day that they lost .2 pounds overnight or gained .4 in the last 3 days just irritates me. Weekly is the maximum I want to hear about it. With the way my body fluctuates with water weight or whatever, a number every day just doesn’t make sense. I’m all about going by how my clothes fit and how I feel at any given time. I only partially play the numbers game.
I know exactly what you mean about the eggs in one basket dilemma. I worry all the time about my knees and if this walk/jog is going to ruin me for the next month (or two!). I’m with you on thinking that if I just drop some weight, my chance of an injury is way decreased, but then to drop some pounds, I need to work it work it work it, right? But then I’m worried about injury…it’s a vicious cycle.
p.s. I love Data and think he should be included in every post.
Thanks for your Data support!
And your nice comment about how I look. You made my day 🙂 The thing is, I have a binging problem! I haven’t talked about it much lately, but I am a stress eater, and gained quite a bit of weight after the marathon! I am trying to be healthy with eating and my attitude toward food now. It’s hard.
I like reading those inspiring stories too. But the “woe is me I gained .2 pounds?” NO THANKS!
How is your walking/jogging going?! 🙂
Hi Kim-
I just read this post and I think you have gotten so many great comments but just wanted to say YOU ROCK!! Ive found a lot of running blogs over the years and LOVE yours the best. You are so real and honest and your blog truly helps people. I know that it has really helped me. Like I mentioned in the past, when I couldnt run the marathon because of my stress fracture I couldnt wait to see how you did. Everybody is rooting for you because you have such a kind heart and are such a good person. I know you have struggles with weight but I honestly dont know many people who dont. Weight is a hard thing but it sure sounds like you have a good goal to get yourself to a weight that you feel good. I know it is hard and sometimes we wish it didnt take so much effort or so much out of us but I think you look fabulous and think about how many things you have accomplished with your body. It is doing great things for you and your running. Im so glad that you have such a good support system with Steven and Erin and everybody else. You blog really is an inspiration to me and the putting all my eggs in one basket really hits home with me. Ive been so depressed about not running because of this hip stress fracture and I feel like it is worse because I put so much of my happiness on running. I try to remember how blessed I am to have such a great husband and kiddos but somedays I just want to feel sorry for myself. I look to your blog to lighten my mood and you always come through for me. Hang in there Kim, we are all rooting for you. I’m so glad I found your blog and I look forward to following you and your journey and hopefully meeting you one day soon :-).
Aww, Laura, you are too good to me. I wish I could give you a big hug in person! We have to meet up when we come to KC in April for the trolley run!
And thank you so much for saying such nice things about me and my blog.
I was thinking about you when I was walking on the treadmill last week and wondering how your hip has been. Any update?
And I really struggle with remembering to appreciate the small things. And also not let the small things upset me! Day by day, right?
[…] was reminded from Kim’s post last week on lacking balance that I have to be careful not to put all of my eggs into my “running […]