There’s no “back to normal”
When I got back from Kansas City in September, after Steven’s mom passed away, I felt completely numb. I was home alone, I was sick, and I just wasn’t feeling like myself. Things at work that normally set me off (people not following direction, people submitting crappy work, etc.) didn’t. I was amazed at how calm I was at work. I didn’t get worked up over things at all.
Now I am starting to get worked up about things again. I’m not as calm/numb as I was. So, my brain sees that my behavior pattern is more similar to how it was before and is thinking “things must be ‘back to normal’ for me.”
I really don’t think they are though. I think that is just my brain trying to trick me in to thinking I am fine. Into thinking I am done coping, or something.
The truth is, there will be no “back to normal.” I have to discover a new “normal.”*
And that’s fine. But right now, I feel guilty, because I am consciously scheduling happy events in to my life to distract me from dealing with loss. I have always been one to plan events to look forward to, and now, it just feels wrong. Even though I know it isn’t. It’s okay to be happy right now.
And I also feel anxious, that I do not know how my role as daughter-in-law, sister-in-law and wife has been changed. I don’t understand what my new responsibilities are, if any. I don’t know if I should be acting different, doing more… or if I should just see how things play out.
I just don’t know how to help other people cope.
Sigh.
I am babbling. Thanks for reading.
Have you even been through a situation that changed your sense of what is “normal” in your life?
I don’t really have a photo that goes with the topic of this post (I’ve been trying to put photos in every post since I wrote this). But here’s one of Data looking uncharacteristically grumpy (usually he just looks disgruntled).
You know, Steven and I have been talking a lot lately about how many people say animals cannot have human emotions. There is a word for this belief that I cannot recall right now – can any of you?
Anyway, one time I was telling someone a story at work about how Data did something and was then embarrassed. And the person said, “Your cat was embarrassed?” Um, yes? He was definitely embarrassed by what he did.
Do you think animals have “human” emotions?
Obviously, we do!
*And if that new normal involves me being calmer, that would be a good thing.
Themocracy
We totally think Maya has human emotions. I was talking to someone who didn’t believe dogs can feel love and they were saying something about how it isn’t love, they just crave human companionship and that is why they sit on laps etc. My thought is that if Maya comes and sits on my lap in particular and not someone elses, there must be a reason. Even if it isn’t actual love she is feeling, it must be something similar and how do we know it isn’t love? She seems to show love better than many humans I know. I have seen Maya embarrassed before so I know what you mean about that too.
A new normal takes time. I have been through several things that have given me a new normal state. At first I tried to fight it but sometimes things just can’t be how they used to be because your whole world has been shaken and things are just not the same anymore. I say just go with it and see how you feel and go with that. You still deserve to be happy, but I understand that feeling too. It will get better I am sure, but maybe not back to your old normal since things are so different now.
I definitely think that cats and dogs and animals in general have human emotions. I always see my cat with facial expressions which totally express how she is feeling! It is crazy but I think animals know and understand a lot about humans (and what is going on subconsciously) than most humans know.
Mosie will do something bad and we’ll snap our fingers at her and she’ll run from them room, then come back in with her tail down looking for affirmation. I think cats and dogs definitely have a range of emotion.
On a more serious note, I’m sorry it’s been so hard for you lately. I know you probably feel helpless, like you can’t “make it better” for others, but in reality you don’t have to fix them. You’re helping simply by being with them, loving them, listening to them, and supporting them.
I know how you feel about your “new normal”. Since Joey’s mom passed I know that he needs me more than ever and his dad needs us and Joey’s sisters more than ever. I still get emotional about it and every now and then, I will read something or see or hear something that reminds me of his mom and it makes me teary eyed. I was just telling Joey last night about a story I read that reminded me of something his mom would have done. It’s a difficult thing. It will be even more difficult as the holidays approach, I’m sure. I’m planning to just see how things play out and do the best I can to be supportive of Joey and his family.
I totally think that animals can have human emotions. I see them in Delilah all the time. She gets excited (windmill tail) and embarrassed, and sad (when we leave and she’s not invited to come with us).
Losing my grandma was a life-altering experience. I don’t think I have ever been the same; in terms of interacting with my extended family. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to find a new normal. I think it is admirable you are cognizant of what is going on with you emotionally, but I don’t think you can speed up the process. It is life, and you have to let the tough stuff take it’s toll (at least that’s how I see it!).
I definitely think that my pets have human emotions! I can tell when they are mad, annoyed, sad, happy, playful, etc. I also know that they can sense human emotions and act a certain way because of it. Sometimes when I am feeling down, my cat comes up to me and almost seems like he is trying to cheer me up! 🙂
When my Dad died, I spent a lot of time wondering if I was grieving “right” or if it was wrong to feel O.K. and happy sometimes. I think grief gets portrayed a certain way in the media, and we expect our experience to line up with that. We feel like if we’re not crying every night, we’re not really grieving, or we’re lying to ourselves about how we’re really feeling.
I think grief is a lot more complex than that. If you feel fine, you’re probably doing fine for right now. If giving yourself happy events to look forward to cheers you up, go for it. (You’re still navigating with your grief by knowing that you need more upbeat things in your life right now). I found that I didn’t start really crying and breaking down until about a month after he died. But even then it wasn’t constant misery. I could function fine at work for example.
Sounds like your experience is a lot like mine so far, actually. Big hugs, Kim!
It does sounds like I am having an experience parallel to yours. Especially things hitting me later… I think there is still more sadness to come.
Thanks 🙂
I think that normal is more a sense of routine, even with emotion. I think ChezJulie hit it on the head when she wrote that grief is complex. there are so many layers and so many emotions that come with each part. It is not defined by a time line, but it will take time to feel okay.
And I agree that animals feel human emotions. They totally do!
After all the pets I’ve had in my lifetime, I completely believe they have “human” emotions – I can totally remember my cat looking embarrassed! And they do too love – so-called experts will never convince me otherwise.
I had a hard time after John’s mom died with a lot of what you are describing. I finally learned to stop worrying about it, and trust that our communication was good enough that I’d figure it out or he’d tell me if he needed something from me. It still crops up at weird times (an example – last year we wre watching Hell’s Kitchen, and it was the episode where the few remaining contestants are surprised by their mom’s coming. I looked over to see him crying. She died in 2006).
(off topic – this is the race tomorrow. $25. http://www.crewinc.org/fullmoonrun.html )
How can you even test for things like animal emotions? That is what baffles me.
Things like that episode are popping up for us too. Just finishing the marathon… I think Steven’s mom would have liked to hear about it!
The race sounds cool! Are you going to do it?
Yup – no volleyball tomorrow so I’m in. Let me know if you decide to do it….
I want to, but I think I better not (since I just signed up for that 10K!). Have fun! I can’t wait to hear about it!
Kim, I know what you mean! Whenever I do certain things (like come in 3rd in my 5k or finish my half marathon) I think about how much Joey’s mom would have wanted to hear about it. And something as simple as new shoes I know she would have liked…
I’ve been in many a situation where things change my “normal”. Don’t stress about getting back to normal or finding your new role – these things will happen. They just happen. There is no specific time frame either. I still struggle when people ask me how many brothers or sisters I have. I still don’t know the right answer. I think it’s good to schedule happy events. Just make sure you have down time and to let yourself grieve. Grieving can mean all sorts of things: remembering, crying, laughing, thinking.
Manny has helped me through it all, just by being extra “purry”. Oh and he gets embarrased at times! Especially when he misses a step and we see him trip. He lowers his head and sulks away. I practically see his orange fur turn pink!
I was wondering about that Gina! What do you say? 🙁 It’s weird when people ask how Steven’s parents (plural are doing).
Poor Manny! Ha! Data gets embarrassed about the same stuff!
yes the situation I am in right now is very hard, but I am trying to just keep life normal. it’s almost worse because I can’t share what’s going on, so people know something is up..but not what and it needs to be that way for now. I think there will be a new normal for awhile, but no life won’t ever be like it was
You must be going crazy, not being able to share anything on your blog!
and I should add, while that’s tough it will be ok too!
i definitely think they have human emotions! I think the most prevalent one is embarrased! you can totally tell when animals are embarrassed.
I just don’t know how to help other people cope.
And you shouldn’t be expected to. You can listen if they want to talk. You can give advice if they ask for it. But if they can’t verbalize what they want or need you can’t be expected to read their minds and figure it out for them.
I know it probably feels “wrong” to go on with your life. You’re probably worried about being seen as insensitive. But, honestly, just like you can’t know what other people need in order to copy they can’t know what you need. And if you need to “move on” in order to cope than that’s okay for you but you probably need to explain that to people just like you would need them to explain to you what they are doing.
Or I could just totally be babbling and way out in left field. Feel free to tell me to shut up 🙂
As for pets, they definitely feel emotions. At least some of them do. I don’t know about Phil.
Personification is the word you’re looking for – applying human emotions or traits to things that do not have them. And pets totally have emotions too – other than ‘hungry’ 🙂
I know it’s a different form of loss, but after everything that I went through this summer, I was most surprised at the huge variety of things that I went through. It seemed like I would swap through all of the emotions that are described in the classic analysis of loss without expecting or knowing it – sadness, anger, grief, acceptance, etc. Because I had so much going on at once, I wasn’t processing a lot of it and ended up having really vivid dreams related to everything that was going on. I’d wake up not knowing if what I’d just dreampt about had really happened or not, but it was my mind’s way of processing everything for me.
For me, it really helped to know that I was feeling what I was feeling because I’d been through the trauma, and it was natural. I had to allow everything to work through the way that it needed to – and every time I talked to someone I got a little bit more clarity, and I felt a lot better. No fail. Every time I talked to someone at all, even if it wasn’t someone I was particularly close to.
Of course I’m always here if you want another person to talk to!
Thanks Lauren! I cannot imagine going through what you went through this summer! And I get dreams like that too. It’s not the same, but the last few nights I have been dreaming about corn mazes! My imagination is so vivid.
How have things been? You getting used to living by yourself… well, when you are home?!
The event that created my “new normal” was the loss of my husband 8 years, 6 months and a couple weeks ago. I know people say they think about someone they miss every day, and I always thought that wasn’t possible because I thought it would make them always sad. I know different now. It’s okay to be happy and to plan the future. It’s also okay that sometimes that feels wrong, and I just try to let myself have those feelings when they come up…and find a friend to hug! 🙂
Sending you big hugs today!
Thanks Elizabeth!
Your comment is a good reminder to relive all of the happy memories. 🙂
I am going with the 2nd part first: YES animals have emotions or at least my two do 🙂 They give me the “pouty” look, the “whoops” look, the “oh gosh you caught me” look, and finally (the one I get most often) “are you kidding me” look!
As to the 2nd one, I felt the same way after my grandmother died. It is like I had to find a new normal that did not consist of the relationship I had with her alive. It was tough but it does eventually work itself out. There were lots of emotions that had to be gone through and each one of them was draining. (((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))) and LOVE!
I don’t know if animals have human emotions, but I think they are hyper aware of our emotions, and they respond accordingly.
I think everyone going through a loss like that has a hard time coming to understand “normal.” I’ve been in similar situations and have tried to just go through motions to “trick myself.” Fake it ’til you make it, or whatever. I don’t think that’s “wrong”; it’s just the mind trying to protect you from the enormity of the loss. You will come to understand your roles and feel less disoriented in time. I hate that time is the only solution to these things…
First, yes animals have emotions! But probably only animal lovers would say that. 🙂
Second, it’s totally natural to numb out, go back and forth with your emotions, have things easily set you off then not bother you at all. It’s all part of grieving. There’s a lot of jumbled emotions in that process and it’s hard to make sense of it.
Have I ever had anything upset my sense of “normal”? Yes. When my father died everything changed. I changed, my life, my closest relationships. Death impacts people in different ways and sometimes it can be hard to connect with people you usually did because you’re going through your thing and they are going through theirs. There isn’t any “right” way to be. Just take care of yourself- and yes, plan fun things because people who have passed don’t want us to stop living. I would consider that insulting if someone I loved closed up, stopped living, stopped seeking joy. We don’t give the deceased any respects by sitting on the sidelines or not enjoying life because they are gone. You can miss a person, honor their life AND keep living. That’s my 2 cents (ok more like a quarter worth).
Grief is a tricky thing. It can trick you into paralysis. It can trick you into thinking you aren’t allowed to be happy anymore. It can trick you into thinking you’re not “doing enough.” It’s tricky. And you just keep walking through it. When someone cries, you comfort them. WHen YOU cry, you ask for a hug. When it seems like all is getting back to “normal” you’re just about ready to hit another wall. It’s just how it is. Keep walking.
Aw. It must be so hard. With the passage of time there will definitely come a “new normal”, although nothing will be like it was. I think it is great that you are consciously scheduling activities to make you happy. Your mother in law seemed like the type of person that would want you to do that!
Data does look very grumpy, haha. Pets totally have emotions. Bailey gets ashamed and embarassed when wearing clothes or a costume (can you blame him?) and very anxious when he is going to be left alone. Poor little guy.
My cat doesn’t have a tail and I think it embarrasses her. It was cut off when she was a kitten – before I got her.
For me, there’s been two times in my life when normal is not normal. A job loss, which I’ve experienced a few times in my career. The unexpected and how it just hits you like a ton of bricks. Fortunately, it’s been over 10 years since I had to experience that moment of WTF.
And the death of close friends or family. I’ve never had to experience someone close to me dying until my friend died a week before Christmas in 2003. It was one of the most shocking things to my emotional system. I still get emotional just thinking about it. He and I were great friends and each year around Christmas time, I get those longing feelings of wishing he were still with us.
My mom’s death in April 2006 was very hard on me. Her and I had been close for years, then we had a falling out when I went through my divorce in 2000. But then rebuilt our relationship which was very strong when she died. She had various cancer treatments, but was clean for a while (she had melanoma), but then she stopped going for treatments (unbeknownst to me), so when she passed away, I was a bit surprised. Of course if I had known that morphine was given to terminally ill patients, I might have been more prepared.
So today, I think my idea of normal is a bit different than what it was 10 years ago, even though I think I’ve adjusted pretty well to most of these changes.
Everything will come in time.. there’s no guidebook on how we should behave in times like these but everything will be fine eventually. Processing the loss of a loved one is difficult and it’s ok if you struggle with that.
Hugs!
What was Data embarrassed about? I want to know! 🙂
I’ve had a couple experiences that changed what “normal” meant in my life. The first was my parents splitting up and my mom coming out. The second was moving from Connecticut to Chicago and having a nervous breakdown about a year later. Both situations pretty much sucked in the beginning. That said, I wouldn’t change a thing. I really like the person I’ve become and those events had a huge impact on me.
All you can do is your best. But if you feel like you’re not doing enough or acting the right way, talk about those feelings with the people directly involved. Never underestimate the power of good communication. 🙂
Data was embarrassed because he ran in to the bedroom all excited to jump on the dresser but miscalculated and face-planted in to it instead. Ha. That reminds me! Steven wants me to send you a pic of our dresser to see if you still want it.
You are so right that communication helps – like this! 🙂 And planning fun roller skating events too 🙂
Oh, yes! I definitely believe animals have emotions. And sometimes, we pretend to speak for my dog. I believe he has thoughts, too. 😉 I mean, we say dogs are happy or depressed…why NOT embarrassed?!
Sister, I wish I had the right words to say to you to make you feel better, but I don’t. I just hope you remember that you are grieving as well as Steven and his family. You are not expected to make everyone else feel better/more comfortable or whatever because you too were greatly affected by the loss and are feeling that pain. I too am still so sad about Linda’s loss, and Will and I are here for you and Steven if you ever need someone! Don’t worry about what you are expected to do or say, just do what you feel is right, and say what you want to say. No one is judging you. Love you!
And animals totally have human emotions. Well I don’t know about dogs, but cats definitely do!! The other day I accidentally scared Dexter coming up from downstairs and she ran her head right into the wall! I felt so bad. She wouldn’t talk to me or hang out with me for a few hours after that. 🙁 I felt like I was in trouble.
Thanks sister! Love you too! 🙂
I am looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks!
So many wise and heart-ful comments came out of your post, Kim. I agree with much that has been said above and hope that for you things slowly find a new normal you feel comfortable with. It’s okay to just be as you are in the moment, happy, sad or simply not knowing how to feel. Being who you are and just doing your best is good enough. Hang in there.
Ever since the day my best friend died, normal was different for me. I never (and sometimes still don’t) knew how to act either- part of me was dying inside and part of me felt like my pain wasn’t worthy of expression because so many other “more important” people had pain too. In the last 10 years I have had ups and downs and felt these ways and others. My conclusion is this…it never goes away. Ever. But it does get easier to cope. I promise you that. The raw pain fades and you begin to just find your place again. Does that make sense?
That does make sense. Thanks. And I do have a bit of that “well, I shouldn’t be as upset as everyone else” thing, since I didn’t know her as long. It really messes with my head!
I lost my mom suddenly and very randomly over the 4th of July weekend 7 years ago. Your normal changes. You’ll never forget the person and they’ll be remembered at some of the most random times (and when you really don’t want to be showing emotion!) but it does get easier. You’ll never forget but the pain over time is less intense. I look at some situations differently now but a lot of my view has been changed for the good. Because of this loss I saw more of what was important to me, what relationships that worth “it”, etc.
BTW animals totally have emotions. A cat has over 100 different sounds/different meows. They totally have emotions.
I have felt that change too – what relationships to devote time to, what is really important in life… it sucks that we have to learn this way. I am sorry you lost your mom so unexpectedly. 🙁
I am happy you agree with me about the animal emotions! 🙂
Hugs! I don’t think anything will ever quite feel the same, but I think you are doing everything right. Just take time as you need it and don’t feel like you have to do anything specific. You are also greiving and I think it effects everyone differently. I also think it’s okay to be happy for things in your life – such as accomplishing your first marathon. Those are very special moments to keep forever.
On a sidenote – I do think animals have emotions! And I especially love the grumpy pic of data. They have personalities and they have emotions! 🙂
Since this has such a huge impact on you, Steven, and the family, I think it’s great that you’re simply recognizing these feelings and the changes in your mood/outlook. It’s good you’re purposefully scheduling events to take your mind off of things–and that you recognize why you doing this. My heart goes out to you and your family, and I applaud you for being such an introspective, thoughtful, and self-aware adult. 🙂
Thanks Mica 🙂
I absolutely think animals have human emotions. My moms dog is jealous of Lexie. If we play, or talk to Lexie, she cries, and whines and growls. She likes me a lot more now, AND learned to play fetch after 13 years of refusing to. Thats not just a coincidence.
I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time. That kind of loss, its devastating. I dont think theres anything you can really do for Steven or his family. Just love them.
I agree that animals do have emotions! Once while we were playing a board game on the floor, Lucy decided she wanted to stand in the middle of it. When we told her no & took her off the board she went & laid down & gave us a pouting face because she wasnt part of the game. My turtles even have emotions, as weird as that sounds. In the morning when I wake up they know it is feeding time so they all swim happily at the corner of the tank next to my bed. 🙂
Remember that you always have us if you need anything! 🙂 Love you!
Thanks Danielle! Love you too! 🙂
I am laughing thinking of Lucy pouting like that!
You know my story well, so you can imagine I too am struggling with the “new normal.” I often pause during the day and wonder how, most of the time, I seem to have fallen back in the daily routine, but then reality creeps back up about the accident and the loss. It feels weird to start making plans or whatever knowing that parts of my family that is still in the grips of catastrophic loss.
But the way I have started to understand this process is that life will always move on and forward. It will be different, yes, but it will move on. And grief will take different forms until it eventually progresses from grief to remembering. Meaning, it’s raw and all-consuming at first, but eventually will naturally lessen until it no longer feels like grief, but is more comfort from the memories. Right now, I feel I am in the in-between in this process – sometimes I feel comforted but at least once a day I have a “moment.”
Ah, I’m babbling – I guess there is no realy easy way to get through. I wish I had a better answer…
You’re not babbling! That actually makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Once again, I am sorry for you loss. Events like that can really throw us and make us question things, but your role is still the same as before-To be supportive of your husband. That’s all you can do, but it is ultimately a lot!
*hugs*
Anyways, yes, animals definitely feel emotions. Humans that say different are egocentric and some think that we are the center of the universe and perfect. (Which we all know is not the case!)
Animals can also pick up on OUR emotions and I have had many pets who knew when I was sad and comforted me. 🙂
I believe Data looks angry in the picture because he’s on a leash. I’m just saying! :0)
I have a few new normals…one after losing a job I liked going to because I knew what i was doing there. lol.
The next would be the new normal of losing my Mom over 6 years ago. The new holidays, the new birthdays, the new mother’s day, etc. The first year you experience all of these new firsts and that’s when it’s hard but even 6 years later I’ll stop what I am doing when I hear a song that reminds me of her, um thanks Carrie Underwood for the song “Mama’s Song” which makes me bawl every time I hear it.
The last new is our life after our daughter was diagnosed with Autism. We are still trying to figure out that new normal because I don’t think it will be ever normal but changing all the time.
and yes i believe animals can be embarrassed.. i once had a cat run full steam into the bathroom and didn’t realize the tub was filled with water…the freaked out cat came running out of the bathroom looking like he can pat himself on the head and go “oy!”