My theory on crappy behavior
Whenever someone continually does or says things that I perceive as crappy*, I often think “They must not realize how crappy their behavior comes off as. Why else would they keep doing it”?
Mind you, I am not particularly giving them the benefit of the doubt, or really excusing their behavior. No, I am just trying to rationalize why some people seem to continue to do things that I would think most others find crappy as well.
For example, quite a few people from my neighborhood ride the same train as me every day. One man in particular lives very close to us and is sometimes driving behind us on the way home (the drive home is mostly through residential neighborhoods). We actually try to avoid being in front of him on the drive though, because he rides so close to us that we can never see his front bumper. He swerves around in the lane and passes people that are going over the speed limit (in no passing zones) – I’ve had him do it to me.
You think he is just a bad driver? I think he is just an asshole who doesn’t realize how crappy his behavior comes off as. There is no reason to ride that close to someone in a residential neighborhood where the speed limit goes down to 20 because you are passing a park full of children. That’s just not safe (seriously, the other day, he got impatient because the person in front of him was turning, so he whipped around them, right by this park – and I can not tell you how many times I have seen kids randomly dart across the street there).
In my mind, I think it would be wonderful to go around telling people about all the things they do that I perceive as so crappy. I think, “Someone must tell them! They must know!”
Another theoretical example would be coworkers who constantly tease and say crappy things to you. Or the friend who treats you like crap. They just must not know, right? Why else would they act so crappy?
Obviously, I am not using my best examples, because that would be inappropriate and mean. But what I am getting at is that I often find myself questioning why people act they way they do, when it is so apparent to me that their behavior is crappy and unnecessary. In a perfect world, I am in a situation where I can tell people when I think they are being crappy, but that is not always the case (okay, that is rarely the case).
I think most people just don’t realize how they are perceived. I KNOW I DON’T. I would love to know how I come off to other people. I am sure there are things I do that others find crappy, that I don’t even realize. Do we ever become that in-tune with our personalities? Do we ever learn to know ourselves that well? I struggle to know who I am – my core personality, along with my wants and desires. Each year (heck, each day) I feel like I learn a little more, but something will happen and I will be completely shocked by how it affects me, and it makes me realize I still don’t know myself that well.
What do you think of my naive theory? Do you know anyone who does or says crappy things and find yourself questioning them? How do you think you are perceived – do you think you have an accurate view of yourself?
Hopefully this makes sense to someone. Because I think about it a lot. I really think that most people don’t realize how the crappy (or not-crappy) things they do make others perceive them. I’ve gotta believe that if they knew, they would quit acting that way. Otherwise, there are a lot more crappy people in this world than I thought.
Since you said you like pictures**, here is someone who never acts crappy (just snobby):
*If you’re feeling up for it, you can replace the word “crappy” with “shitty” every time it is used.
**Although, it defeats the purpose if it is all the way down at the bottom of the post (and not related to the content at all), right? You like pictures to break up the text?
Themocracy
I agree with you. I do think that some people have NO IDEA how crappy they are acting. I also think some people are crappy to others because they are unhappy with their lives or jealous. I am curious about how others perceive me to and wonder if I’m ever one of those crappy people to other people. I often think about what I think others are doing that I find crappy and try to avoid doing those things, but I assume each person has their own definition for what is “crappy”. I’m now wondering how many times I can use the word crappy in this comment.
We do learn more and more about ourselves as we get older, but I still sometimes have a “realization” that something I did or said was perceived in a way that I had never imagined. This doesn’t happen as often anymore, but it will probably never completely stop happening. Live and learn 🙂
This happened to me recently at work. I found out later that an email I sent out was totally mis-interpreted. I wonder how often that happens!
This is so true– I think almost ALL of us have difficulty understanding how we’re perceived, especially if it might be in a way that’s negative. I know I do, and like you, I would LOVE to know what people really think about me– the things I do, the way I act, etc.
I think you give far too many people the benefit of the doubt. Sure, there may be some people whom, if they knew how their behavior was perceived, might be embarrassed and change. But, I think most people don’t care how others perceive their behavior. Take that guy on the road. In all honesty, he’s probably PISSED at you and all the other drivers for going TOO SLOW. And if you were to have an opportunity to point out what you perceive as his bad driving habits, I’m pretty sure he’d have an earful for you about other people’s bad driving habits, too.
I think most people on the road are like that… unfortunately. This guy in particular, is quite the asshole though…
I want a digital sign for the back/front/side of my car that I can type in how I truly feel about other peoples driving. This mornings commute would have prompted “HEY ASSHOLE, youre changing lanes every two seconds and I’m STILL ahead of you…relax..its called traffic.” And the next one would have said “HEY ASSHOLE, you know how you didnt have your turn signal on? Thats why I didnt know you were getting over AND THATS also why I apparently got run into the next lane when you stole my space.” They’d pretty much all start with “HEY ASSHOLE” ok the nice ones would say “USE YOUR EFFING SIGNAL” because how else am I supposed to know that youre trying to get over?? And that’s how I feel about drivers.
Dont get me started on mean people who either wholely embrace their mean-ness or who dont even realize what huge butt heads they are.
It’s tough to say. I think some people who have shitty behavior do have a sense of how they are perceived, but wear it as a kind of badge of honor. They see their own behavior getting a rise out of people, but think it’s because they’re a maverick, or telling difficult truth, or puncturing the pretension of veganism (for instance), or showing people how to REALLY drive.
I can’t imagine that you are perceived negatively in the workplace. I worry that I am perceived as irritable, which I can be. Here is a quiz for self-diagnosis that should set your mind at ease:
http://electricpulp.com/guykawasaki/arse/
Ha! Thanks for sharing that quiz. I scored pretty low.
I just think it is ridiculous that someone would basically be an asshole for fun 🙁
my cat acts crappy sometimes, seriously but I love him much more than the driver who rides my bumper.
I think you are so right, people are so caught up in their world they just don’t take a step back to see how they might be effecting others
I think about this a lot! Like tons! But for me it depends on the person too. Like I get shit a lot from people I know (who are remaining nameless) and I think, “They have to know what they are doing. They have to realize they are being shits.” And then sometimes, I’m like, “Who does that?! Honestly, how can they not know that is crappy behavior.”
Like you, I would love for more feedback! I have the type of personality where either people love me and get me or they hate me. There’s no middle ground. And that’s totally cool but I would love to know why people don’t like me. I would ask but I know I wouldn’t get a straight answer. Maybe it’s something I can change or maybe not because it’s too much a part of who I am. Either way, I’ll never know!
I can’t stand the way people act. It seems like it’s not just crappy but inconsiderate with a total disregard for other peoples feelings. We live in a very selfish society.
My husband says that not everyone can act, think or say the things I do and that those things are not always right. I have to agree but can’t help simply expecting consideration and simple “pleases” and “thank yous”.
I would say, in my evaluation of myself, I am critical. I am aware of my many faults and try my best to become a better person.
I wonder if there are other societies as selfish as ours!
I am overly critical of others… I know that is definitely a fault of mine!
I know that my intentions are good. Sometimes I may unintentionally and unknowingly do something crappy. Because I know this about myself, I think the same way you do about other people. They must not realize. From talking about this with other people I guess I think much higher of other people than they deserve sometimes. I guess sometimes people do crappy things, know they are crappy, and continue doing them. Since that isn’t something I would consider doing, it never crosses my mind that there are people out there who just don’t care.
But yes, I totally get this post and think about the same thing. I don’t think we can ever completely even know ourselves. I agree that at times I am shocked with how I react to things because it isn’t what I would have expected.
i think that you are very lax in judging people, which is a great trait…however, i do think you are giving them the easy way out. it’s much easier to think that people just don’t know how they come off, because well…it’s hard to think that human nature can be crappy and that sometimes, people are just crappy people. this is so negative, and i fully realize this. i’m not saying everyone in the general population is this way and yes, there are some people who don’t know how they come off. my guess though, is that if you are a good person and really don’t know how you come off to people, you likely have enough inner dialogue to think about it and possibly ask people how they perceive you. if i say something and then realize that it may not have sounded right…i usually will check with the person to make sure that they took it the way that it was intended. that driver guy behind you just sounds like a selfish person. he may be a nice person…but he disregards people around him. most of the time i find, it is what it is.
Ha – I am super judgmental… unfortunately. I think there are just crappy people out there. I wish I was more forgiving (more like my mother) but I am not. I’ve just got to believe that not everyone realizes that what they are doing is so crappy. How could they live with themselves?
I do that self-check too – asking if what I said made sense, clarifying, etc.
I think there are people in this world who are much more selfish than you or I could understand. They do things because THEY want to or because they feel like it would benefit them without ever taking a second to think about how it affects someone else. Or, if they do realize how it affects someone else they don’t care. Because they only care about themselves. Most people are not as reflective as you and would only get defensive if someone explained to them how they are perceived.
I used to want to know how I was perceived by other people. But now I’m more of the opinion that I try to be a good person but I know that not everyone is going to like me or understand me. And that’s okay. Not everyone has to.
Data is the cutest! I totally get this in terms of not realizing how we are perceived. I have been told on quite a few occasions that people are intimidated to approach me because I walk around with a “mad” face. Usually I will become friends with someone and later they will confess that at first they were afraid to talk to me because of this. It’s funny because I don’t realize I am being perceived this way or try to put out that vibe at all. I guess this is how I come off to people who don’t know me! 😉
I so know what you mean! IMO some people are more or less sensitive to their impact on others.
I am told I seem ‘aloof’ at first but when one gets to know me I am down to earth and hilarious (hey I’ll take it).
Did you ever confront a habitually crappy person? I have and usually they dissolve into blubbering heaps like the Wicked Witch of the West.
In a nutshell I think crappiness is an outward manifestation of inner insecurity/anger/turmoil, etc.
I have confronted people. Mostly along the lines of “why are you acting this way?” It’s when they say or do things that are not necessary at all. And yeah, I don’t get a very good reaction 😉
And I agree – when people act this crappy they just must have some inner issues.
I completely agree with you that people have no clue how they are perceived. Take my sister for example. I love her very much, but she is quite often a brat who makes sure to get her way in every situation. My birthday celebration turned into a one-hour viewing of her wedding photos. That’s just how she is. I’ve sort of accepted this because it doesn’t do me any good to just get mad about it all the time. I know she doesn’t mean to be disrespectful or bitchy. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me; it just means I understand better. There are those bad drivers who piss me off, but I think they are just completely oblivious. As a person who is pretty considerate, I can’t understand this at all, but I guess some people are just like that. I often wonder how I’m perceived. Yesterday, a coworker said, “You’re always so smiley and happy!” WHAT? I think I come across must softer and sweeter than I feel inside. Haha. I think people think I’m easygoing and not rattled easily (so not true). Lawrence thinks I get taken advantage of in some situations because of my demeanor.
That is so interesting that people perceive you completely different than how you feel… do you think you would have picked up on that if someone hadn’t told you?
My mom has a relationship like that with her sister. So while we all can’t stand her sister, she can, because she got used to it.
You are giving most people far more credit than they deserve, or I am just extremely jaded. I think the people who behave as jerks or crappy fully know that what they are doing is inappropriate/rude/crappy and they do not care and sometimes they fully intend to behave that way. I wish I had the notion that people were just blissfully unaware of their crappiness though.
I do wonder how I come across to people though. Sometimes I think that maybe its not as nice as I might think.
I think some people know that they are being crappy, and do it for sport. I think others are so into themselves that they are oblivious to it.
Honestly, I think some people just don’t care how they are pereceived. I would hope if they knew they were being a-holes that they would change their ways, but some just don’t care. I personally care too much about how I am perceived so am super aware of how others are. Side note: cute pic of your kitty!!!
I have to echo a few other sentiments here. I often don’t intend something to come off the way someone else perceives it, even when I’m trying to be helpful or kind or giving a suggestion. I’ve had issues with this with a colleague at work in the last few months, and it’s incredibly frustrating. Yesterday, I finally asked this person exactly what I need from her going forward–the best way for them to get from me what they need. I also offered to set up a meeting so that we could meet to talk specifically about our communication styles so that we could work better together. She declined. 😮
Anyway, I know I’m a jerk sometimes, but I do admit when I’ve been wrong or made a mistake or been punk, and I know many people who don’t. Our dean has the philosophy that you can’t learn if you don’t make mistakes. But, you can only learn if you know–or can admit–when you’re wrong or made the mistake. We’re human, you know? And we have fallacies.
It short: Some people are jerks because they’re unhappy with their lives. Some people are jerks because they’re selfish and don’t care about others. The latter is the worst kind to deal with. I’m sure there are many varieties in between…
Oh gosh. Your coworker sounds like a few of mine. I think sometimes people get so set in their ways that they refuse to change. They can’t see that their actions (their communication style) could be causing problems.
And I can be a huge jerk too. I have to remind myself to calm down from time to time. I definitely admit when I am wrong though. That is the fastest way to get a solution sometimes.
Okay, your neighbor is a TOTAL asshole. My pet peeve? People who ride my ass (especially because I always go over the speed limit). C’mon, people! Okay, deep breath, Holly. But I can’t believe he’s doing that with kids near by.
I DO agree that most people just don’t know how rude they might come off. My sister’s best friend says things to my sister ALL the time that hurt my sister’s feelings. But her friend is VERY outspoken. I actually pointed out when she (her friend) said something to me (basically she told me that I was 29, single, and my parents probably wondered what I’d done with my life?!) and I told her it really was hurtful. She apologized profusely and I could tell, she felt horrible. I learned through that experience that she just says things without realizing the effect on others. I’m not that way, so at first I assumed she was just a bitch. In reality, she just has a big mouth, but good intentions. 🙂
I have a step family member that comes across so crappy and rude to people. I often wonder if she thinks how she talks/treats people is completely acceptable because she doesn’t realize how she is perceived or if she really is just a b**ch 🙂
I recently had a discussion with my co-worker about this. I think it can be one of two things. 1.) as you mentioned, they actually do not know. No one has ever told them they are being crappy therefore they won’t change. or 2.) they actually do not care and that is the kind of person they are.
In the example you give about the guy who tailgates you and drives all crazy, that dude just doesn’t care. He clearly sees how other people are driving (safely) and decides that he is above it, he thinks he’s a better driver. And I seriously doubt if someone were to tell him off he would even listen.
Now onto your example about co-workers who tease and all. The same co-worker that I was talking to about this topic just recently told me to stop teasing her about a particular topic. So I have. I thought it was in good fun because she teases me all the time too, but I guess this one topic was over the line. So I have stopped. I honestly would not have known that it bothered her at all unless she told me.
Whenever I come across someone who acts crappy all the time I give them a shot. Try to at least become friends with them, or understand why they are what they are. Most of the time there is no good answer to why they are what they are…so I drop them like a bad habit. Was that crappy of me? Probably… 🙂
Ha! I don’t think it is crappy to drop them if they are crappy 😉
A coworker has been teasing me more lately, I think because she is insecure, so I have thought about telling her it bothers me – I bet she doesn’t realize it.
I really think you should. Like I said, my co-worker told me, and I stopped INSTANTLY. I hope I’m not viewed as a crappy person at work, but it did open my eyes pretty quickly
I think some people just don’t know that they’re being crappy — they’re stuck in their own little bubble, and either no one else checks them on their crap or they are ignoring the people who do so. I think some other people know they’re being shitheads and just don’t care. The whole take-it-or-leave-it attitude. And then there’s that whole concept of perception — unless someone is being an egregious asshole, sometimes one person’s crappy is another person’s fine, if you get what I’m saying.
I’ve been diagnosed as a reverse narcissist, so I tend to think people (a) don’t like me, (b) don’t really notice me or (c) like me because they don’t really know me. 🙂 I am aware that my perception is skewed, though, so I’m always trying to work on it.
I often have this problem. I forget that people probably don’t perceive the crappiness of their actions and immediately blame them for being failures of the human race and dysfunctional, terrible members of society. This is particularly the case about driving. I really think people tune out while driving and don’t realize how annoying their behavior is. (I only realized this after one too many times SCREAMING to Harrison in the car about how the driver next to/in front of/behind me deserved to burn in the fiery depths of hell.)
Then I feel bad because I think that I often do crappy things,like tease people in what I think is a good-hearted way, and not even realize it. I guess being a “good” and “mature” person is learning to balance these different aspects of your personality and keeping your social crappiness in check. Some people just suck at it.
I <3 Data pictures! 😀 My crappy behavior usually comes out when I am self focused… for example, as horrible as this is I am probably just as bad of a driver (agression-wise) as your neighbor when I am running late and thinking about how even 1 minute of lost time counts. Should that be all that matters? No… but a lot of times I forget that. Applicable outside of that as well of course ;).
… I don’t think my comment worked. I <3 the Data picture though and I think I do the crappiest stuff when I am focused on myself and forget that there are other people around/what I'm doing affects them.
Hmm. I really like this! In my opinion, there are lots of shitty people that are doing shitty things without realizing it. As for telling them about it, I think their personality would determine how they react. Some would obviously be surprised and probably work towards fixing the bad habit while others are just assholes who enjoy being assholes and pulling shitty moves.
I wonder that a lot…I don’t know why. I really want to know how others perceive me…especially patients and co-workers. I do think people do things that are not so hot without their knowing, and they’ll probably never know because no one likes to be that brutally honest or confrontational!
I totally relate to this post at the moment. I seem to be drowning in crappiness!
First of all, that guy you were talking about IS an asshole. If it happens once, then he can say he was in a hurry. But if you’re like that all the time, you’re clearly impatient and think where you’re going is more important than where everyone else on the road is going. I HATE when people try and pass me like that.
That said, I really like this post. I wonder all the time if people know theyre being assholes, or if theyre just like that. There are a couple of people I work with where I wonder that all the time. One is plain and simple, an asshole. And I cant help but wonder if its on purpose or if he’s just that dumb.
The other, well he’s crazy. No way around it.
Sometimes I wonder how I come off to other people. I feel like sometimes I can be a real bitch, and there are a lot of people who probably hate me. Thats when I decide not to think about it! 🙂
At work tonight, a co-worker was grilling another co-worker about a scar he has. Co-worker #2 obviously wasn’t comfortable talking about it, but #1 didn’t seem to get it. Finally, another girl and I pointed it out to him. He said he was just curious. We told him it wasn’t curiosity, it was being nosy.
“Do you know anyone who does or says crappy things and find yourself questioning them?”
I know tons of people who say/do ignorant/mean-spirited/crappy things, but with most of them it wouldn’t do much good to point it out, because they would probably just get defensive. This leads me to hold on to grudges against them, which is pointless.
I’m just trying to be the best person I can be and if other people want to act like jerks, fine. But I don’t want it to affect me as much as it does anymore!
I have very honest relationships with my family and close friends so I think we do a good job of calling each other out on bad behavior when warranted. Are we perfect? Hell no, but we try to be good people. I think sometimes people are crappy to other people because that’s how they think they can feel better about themselves. But they don’t really know that’s why they are doing it. It’s so subconscious. All it does is create a negative cycle though. Good begets good. Putting out positivity is way more productive.
I would love to know how I’m perceived. I think you’re right for a lot of cases, people just don’t realize what they are doing and how they come off. I know this has happened to me on at least a few occasions.