Who do you make an effort to be happy around?
Right now I am reading an awesome book that Erin gave me* – The Happiness Project – and boy, have I ever filled it up with notes! I actually plan on writing a series of posts about the book (maybe with Erin!) because it has made me think of so many questions I want to ask you all! Of course, I haven’t finished the book yet, but I want to prematurely throw a thought out there…
I just finished a section of the book where the author, Gretchen Rubin, is talking about how she thinks it takes more of an effort to be happy than unhappy. That statement will likely spark a post of its own later on, but reading her theories got me thinking. Sometimes, it does take a concentrated effort from me to appear happy. For example, at work, I make an effort each and every day to be cheerful and appear happy and approachable. Every. Single. Day. It IS draining! It IS work! It will be much easier to just sit at my desk and be grumpy.
So what happens when I do this? I am trying so hard to appear happy at work, that when I leave, I am completely worn out. And who do I go home and see? My husband. Does he get the pleasure of the happy, cheerful wife? Not every night. And that’s not fair to him.
Why do I work so hard to be cheerful around my colleagues, but not always around the people who know me best? The people I actually care about the most? Another thing to work on…
Do you ever have make an effort to act happy? Who do you make the effort to be happy around?
*What a sweetie!
Themocracy
I don’t feel like a make an effort to be happy. I just am. I tend to appear more reserved I think–like even keel–not happy, not sad. I just am.
So true! I also seem to make more of an effort to seem happy and upbeat around strangers, while at home I let my real feelings show even when down or grumpy or tired or sad…is that unfair to my family? Maybe. But it is also important to be real…maybe there is a middle ground where there is enough honesty to show how you really feel but at the same time making enough of an effort to be pleasant to be around?
I have a really hard time disguising my emotions. Normally what you see is what I am feeling. Luckily most of the time I truly AM happy so that is what I send out to the world.
I think it is so much easier to be lazy (maybe not the right word) around the people closest to you because you are comfortable that they won’t hold it against you in the long run. I know for sure that when my kids are having a bad day they take it out on me because it is safe and they know I will love them anyway. We do talk about it so that I make sure they are aware of how they are acting so that hopefully one day they can do a better job of not taking things out on the wrong people, but like you said, sometimes it just happens that the people you love the most don’t get the best part of you because you are worn out from working so hard to be happy with others.
(Does that make sense? I think that is a lot of the problem I am dealing with in the stuff going on in my life right now…that person is so exhausted from putting on a good front with work people that that person doesn’t have the energy to be very nice to me. To a point I understand but after a while it really wears on a person.)
I totally get what you’re saying. I think about this often because I feel like I can say anything to my mom – but I should probably hold back on some stuff and be nicer.
I don’t think family should be treated this way though 🙁
Oh, my gosh. This is a major issue in my life!! With some people I already know, I can sometimes stop pretending, because they know that my less-than-chipper mien doesn’t necessarily indicate that I’m ready to jump off a bridge, or anything. But there are certain people — even those whom I know — who just can’t deal with anything but cheerfulness, affected or not. I am just thankful that my desk at work is isolated, so that I don’t have to put up a happy front ALL the time. Since my parents are very “Why are you in such a bad mood?” people. It’s fine to pretend to be happy, but it’s exhausting to do it 24/7, and that’s not fair to anyone.
<3 <3
I never try to *appear* to be something I’m not. I pretty much wear my emotions on my sleeve. Does that mean people at work see me when I’m not in the most social of moods? Yes. But, it also means I don’t put all my energy into faking something I’m not. I never could do that (and that’s likely why I’m not the president’s press secretary – ha).
How I feel is almost always written all over my face. But I try to put on a good act. I tend to let things build up way too much because I never want anyone to worry about me or think I am not okay. I have a very hard time expressing emotions (to the point where people think I am a jerk) and very rarely talk about myself personally. I will tell stories and talk and etc, but I almost never get personal.
That surprises me about you!
Oh that sounds like my kind of book! I’ll need to check it out. 😀
That is such a good question, by the way. Why *do* we tend to be happier around coworkers and people we see every day vs. the people who mean the most to us? That is so crazy but true.
It is quite obvious when I am “fake” happy. I just obvious in my emotions and am not that good of an actress to pretend.
I actually make an effort to be more happy and exhibit a positive attitude around my parents. One, they worry way too much if they see me down at all. But, second, my mom tends to be too negative and if I don’t encourage with more of a positive vibe, she can rub off. Also, I think when you are too negative, you aren’t going to be able to see the good, even when it happens.
I think I need to practice being more positive around some of the negative people in my life. I think it would help with the whole dread issue I talked about last week!
I downloaded that book and listened on my iPod. No, I don’t really try to be happy. I think I just am. I have made choices in my life regarding the types of people I am around, my profession and how I spend my days such that most of the time I’m pretty damn content. When I’m having a down spell, I try to embrace it and be with it, knowing it too will pass. I think much of life is about figuring that life is really only about the small victories and the little stuff like cuddling up with a good book, running a scenic race, that first sip of coffee in the morning, etc. The point is to recognize and appreciate these things and realize all is well just the way it is. It doesnt’ have to get any better than what is before us. We are much more forunate than we realize!! Nice discussion, I love how you bring up this stuff.
Great comment! Life IS about the little things. And I love how Rubin talked about that in the book. It is not meeting the goal, but the little accomplishments that get you there… did you enjoy the book?
Good questions! I haven’t really thought about it until now. I guess I am okay being sad in front of coworkers and family alike, but I’m much more likely to be upset or angry at home as opposed to at work. I guess I’m just more comfortable at home and I feel like I don’t need to put on a show. It probably boils down to a fear of rejection. At work I feel like I need everyone to like me or I’ll get booted out on my butt. At home I’m less afraid of that.
It somewhat has to do with social norms… how you do and don’t act in public. Is there a high turnover rate in your office?
I just ordered this book from Amazon! 🙂
I definitely fake being happy often when I’m really not happy at all! Definitely at work…no one likes an unhappy, grumpy nurse, and nurses are expected to be happy and cheerful all the time, even with terrible staffing, grumpy patients/family members/doctors, and everything going wrong. There was even a spot on my annual review regarding how much I smile. (Really? This is a real profession, right? Huh? Anyway.)
It definitely takes an effort to appear to be happy when you’re not, and I know the feeling! Some people are shocked to hear that I’m kind of miserable here and hate my job…guess I put on a pretty good act! I’m the same way as you, though…I always feel bad for my mom because I never feel like I have to act around her, so she would always get the worst of my attitude, whether that was being grumpy or unhappy or crying or being mean (it happens…gah). Her solution was to always take me in public because she knew I wouldn’t cry in public…go mom.
That being said, I think that being happy shouldn’t require so much effort! If it’s that hard, then we’re probably not all that happy…we’re just trying to look like we are.
You’ll enjoy the book!
I don’t think it should require as much effort as you and I are making. We are both trying to deal with things we can’t control! But I do think it takes some effort 🙂
I have to be all fake happy when at work or on the phone for work. It is so draining and annoying!
My husband does the same thing with regards to bringing his grumpiness home(as I’m sure we all do!). The funny thing is that he works in customer service and rutinely wins all sorts of awards for his steller ability to be sunshiney and personable. So, when he gets grumpy with me I just tell him that I would like to speak to Work Kirk, please. 🙂
That’s funny! I wonder if his coworkers know about his alternate persona 😉
Thanks for commenting!
i don’t really ever try to appear happy…if I am, i am. if im not, people can likely tell, although i don’t feel the need to advertise it to everyone. what works out the best, is that about 99% of the time, i am happy…
my hubs is quite different though. he has a job where he HAS to act happy. this leads to many times at home where he is unhappy with the day, not the situation at home. it’s a hard position to be in and not one that i envy.
I’d be really interested in reading a series of posts about this, so I can’t wait until you finish it!
Also, I can totally relate to your post!! This is such a big issue for me. It seems like it’s so easy to “take out” our negative emotions on the people we love the most…the people who least deserve it. But spending so much time in an environment where it’s tough to truly be happy takes a lot of energy out of you, so that when you come home to a place where you are safe to let your hair down, it’s just easy to finally let the negativity out as well. It’s bad…and something I’m really trying to work on as well.
Oh, I think I need to put this in my Amazon cart right NOW!
Since I started antidepressants, I don’t have to make much effort to be happy. I’m generally content, though I have tired/bitchy/stressed days. I always try to put on a good face at work because I think that’s professional, though I also think it’s appropriate to have a bad day and just admit to it. I let my husband see all sides of me, but I try, for our relationship, to be positive. I know I can take out things on him and that’s not really fair. I catch myself better now 🙂
I really think you would relate to the author, Kim. I sure do!
I agree that it is important to let your spouse see all of you, but, as you said, also be positive. And understand what they see as positive – it may be different for all of us! It all goes back to communication, doesn’t it? 😉
Great post and now I”m curious and want to read that book! I definitely put a lot of effort into appearing happy during hte day which then leads to me vegging on the couch with a tv dinner being grumpy all night! I should be happy when I get off work not at work! lol
Ha! I am the same way! I am so exhausted when I get home I just want to chill. The act wears me out big time! 🙂
I try to appear happy around work, even when I might be having an off day. I don’t talk about my personal life much at work so it is a way of heading off those conversations before they start 🙂
When I am stressed at work, people can read it off my face. It’s so apparent. I do not deal with stress well when it involves patients and health!! If it’s a deadline I have to deal with, it’s in my control..but people are not controllable. Sadly! LOL! For the most part, I smack on a happy face (which is usually not forced) and I come across as happy…because I am. Being sad is draining on me, so I try and find the upside. I’ve gotten good at leaving work at work, too. That took some practice, but it’s made things better for everyone!
interesting post…..sometimes i think i am being too negative and then decide to change that up-that must be tied to the happiness question…..i really try hard to be my best person with the ones i love and the rest get whats left!
When I am cheerful and bubbly at work all day, Im not necessarily trying to be, it just happens. But still when I go home those are the days I will fight with my boyfriernd. If I spent the day fighting with suppliers, or coworkers (like Ive been doing today) then Im in a good mood after work. Its really strange. Its like I need to get in my “fight quota” for the day.
Great question!
I honestly have to work pretty hard to be happy at work – but really (and I hope this isn’t an excuse…maybe it is?), I think it’s because I hate.my.job. But no fear – I’ll have a new one this year! (God willing – and I rhyme, too). It’s easier for me to be happier around my friends/family because I guess I don’t see them as often. It’d be INTERESTING to see if it’s an effort to be happy in a job where I like what I’m doing!
I can’t WAIT to hear more about this book! I’m all about the self-help/non-fiction books these days (you know, now that I’m done with the Twilight Series).
Ooo, where are you looking for new work?
I like what I am doing now, but last year, it was requested that I act happy all the time. Seriously.
I can’t wait to write more about this book. It is seriously loaded with notes!
Now that I think of it, I do the exact same thing. I’ll put on a happy front for people I couldn’t care less about, but for my family and friends, I’ll let the grumpy side of me shine through. I guess it’s because I need to appear happy at my job even if I don’t like it and most of the customers have me screaming inside.
I terrible at hiding my emotions. Keith, my husband, always says that my body language always gives everything away. But I try to always be happy and in the right frame of mind when working with my clients. No matter what is going on “behind the scenes” I have to be there for them!
I am generally pretty happy but around skylar, even if im not feeling too chipper and it has nothing to do with her random 3 yr old antics, i fake it and act chipper. children dont deserve to see grumpy parents for which they did not cause!
Aww, you really are very considerate and thoughtful of your husband and I’m sure that is one of the qualities that attracted him to you. But I admire your willingness to always strive to do better. I am also trying to do that and I think I’m going to have to add this book to my list of books to read. And I think I may just have to slide it to the top of the list.
Meh, every so often I do – but for the most part I’m that ANNOYINGLY happy guy all the time.
ALL.THE.TIME. Sorry about that. well, unless I am tired – then lookout.
as michael jackson said “let sadness see what happy does, let happy be where sadness was.” shit is hard, yo!
I think it takes more out of me being sad or grumpy. But you’re right, the ones we love are the ones we are able to “vent” to or at. But that’s part of loving someone. They are there for us to listen and offer comfort or try to make us happy. I feel privileged when someone is able to be their true self around me and be totally comfortable.
I could have written that myself! Before I left my job, I found myself so mentally exhausted everyday by faking happiness, that by the time I got home there was nothing left for my husband. We are both much happier now 🙂
Sometimes I wonder how you really do manage to sneak into my head and post stuff that sounds exactly like me!!!! Here is something else I need to work on as I do the same thing you do!!!
=^..^=
I think I am a pretty happy person most of the time. Unfortunately, when I am not, I can’t hide it. I try to just take some time to myself when that’s the case…or vent to my friends!