Tips on staying neutral?
Have you ever been in a situation where two different people are constantly complaining about one another to you?
It can be draining.
I think that in these sorts of situations, the complainer really wants you to agree with them, or even add fuel to the fire and back them up. It’s not like they are complaining about someone you don’t know! They want to see if you can relate and agree.
But I just want to stay neutral (ideally, I want to stay out of it, but that’s not going to happen). I want to stay uninvolved. I just want to stay out of it.
Any tips on how to stay neutral in this situation? Or, what would you do?
When I write vague bullshit like this, I wonder if I will know what I was talking about if I go back and re-read it in a few years.
Themocracy
Definitely had that happen in a work situation. I finally just said, “you know I’m friends with them, too- I really don’t know what to tell you, I’m sorry.”
It’s not the answer they were looking for, but it got them off my back.
I have had this problem before and still have it on going. But I have said something in a polite way that “this other person is my friend and i wish you wouldn’t talk about them that way to me”. it makes you wonder if they talk about you behind your back.
I don’t like taking sides and just want ppl to be happy so it really is a hard situation!
Whenever people complain to me about someone else I know I always wonder the same thing “what are they saying about me?” Makes you question them, that’s for sure!
If you have the gumption, being honest is probably the best policy like Amy B says above. The only other option is to avoid the subject or the actual people and that’s hard too. Good luck – and yes, you probably will forget what it was about a few years down the road – I would.
Believe me, I wish I could be honest in this case!
I like Amy’s line…I tend to tell people I don’t feel comfortable talking about someone that’s not there to defend themselves…but, I know that’s not always easy. In the case where I can’t be honest, I tend to not say anything and then try and change the subject. Not an easy spot to be sitting in.
At my former job, two of my coworkers (who were/are also my friends) HATED each other. One slept with the other’s boyfriend and then this guy was juggling both of them — rather than be mad the guy, they just got mad at each other.
ANYWAY…
They both complained about the other to me. Finally I just said, “I’ve never had an issue with X. This is a really crappy situation but honestly, I can’t complain about her.” And then repeatedly asked why they were mad at this stupid boy. It’s a really awkward situation, though.
Yuck! Okay, now I at least feel better knowing my situation is not that bad 😉
Maybe the best response would be “I hear what you are saying but I don’t have any opinion to offer. It might be best if you spoke directly to her/him and resolve the situation”.
I have been saying that to one of them “Have you told them how you feel?”
“Uh…no”
sigh
Yes, I’ve been in a similar situation. One thing I realized was that I could not ever complain about even the smallest thing regarding person #2 to person #1, because that gave them license to go to town. But it sounds like you are much better about not talking about people than I am.
If one of the people is your supervisor, part of their responsibility is to support YOU in your work. Can you tell them you really want to do your best job for them, but the lack of harmony is becoming stressful for you? You wish it could be resolved but if not you would at least like to be buffered from it?
Otherwise, I don’t know. Obviously each person is GETTING something from sharing with you – opportunity to vent, validation, etc. So as long as you keep providing that, they will keep doing it. Maybe if you say some empty statements in response to their venting, like, “I hope you’ll work it out” they will stop bothering you.
I kind of have been doing the empty responses! But with one of the people, I do not want to tell them it is stressing me out, because then they won’t tell me anything, you know? I would lose my “in.”
I hate this! I always feel so disloyal by even just listening to either person talk badly about the other.
Sorry you are in a tough situation!
In situations like that, where you know the complainer knows I know the person they’re complaining about, I usually am pretty upfront about the situation. I tell them I appreciate they trust me enough to confide in me, but because I know both parties, I’d rather remove myself from the situation. Usually, that clears the air quickly and I’m no longer the go-to person.
These situations always confuse me, because if I’m complaining about someone, I don’t generally want advice unless I specifically ask for it… usually it’s just about letting off some steam. But being put in between two people just isn’t fair… I’d probably have to tell them not to discuss it with me!
<3 <3
I try to just laugh at people who put you in this sort of situation. I’ve been there too many times and it’s not worth putting yourself through the worry and stress that it produces.
There are always going to be people that don’t get along, but it doesn’t mean that you have to pick a side. I choose to just think that they are ridiculous for becoming so ingrained in annoyance/hatred and be amused by it.
Hope things look up for you and that there’s less drama!
I’d just tell them, “I don’t want to get involved.” Plain, simple, and to the point. No further explanation is necessary because no explanation would suffice to the person anyway so why bother.
I’m always super upfront. Like, “This is between the two of you and doesn’t involve me.” It comes across a little harsh, but in those situations, I have to be a little more bold than I usually am.
Staying neutral is so hard. I get this a lot because my parents are divorced and somehow I became the complain medium. I finally just had to straight up tell them both that they could no longer talk to me about the other one. End of story. I told them I would NOT choose or take sides and all it did was make me uncomfortable. I do not envy you….hang in there honey!
Have they finally stopped? That would be so awful! 🙁
After every comment I’d say, “Have you talked to X about that?” and hope that it would shut them up over time 🙂
Or, the direct “I don’t want to be involved – you two need to work this out yourselves” works too…
That is what I have been trying with one of them, the “well, did you tell them how you feel?!” I am all about being direct and honest when I can!
Tell both of them to deal with the other person on their own and not expect you to listen to their complaints. 🙂 No reason for you to have to deal with either of them. If there are people in your life that bring you down, stop them! Or get rid of them! You only have one life, no point in wasting it being unhappy! 🙂
You are so sweet to me sister :-*
I wouldn’t use my method–which is avoiding them both. I have been doing this for a couple of weeks now with 2 of my friends that got into a fight over something. I just don’t feel like it isn’t any of my business. Which is what I told both of them but then they started but she is blah blah blah. It drives me nuts!
At least you stay out of it that way!!!
I try to ignore them if they start going on their rant. If they still keep coming to me to complain I let them know that I’m not involved/don’t know the whole story/is none of business and really do not want to be involved in the issue.
I would just tell them both that I am neutral and would prefer not to talk about the other person. I would go on to add that I am glad that they feel they can talk to me, but that I am uncomfortable with this particular situation.
Sometimes, I just tell friends, “Look, I’d like to stay out of it.” Actually, I have to do this a lot with family members. I express that I love them and that I want to be supportive, but that it’s a conflict for me to be too involved. Usually, they back off 🙂 You can’t please everyone. If you’re drained from it, step away 🙂
Internally I’d probably be dreaming of telling them to both STFU and grow up. But externally I might try a diplomatic way of calling them both out. You have to consider your own emotional health. If it’s a situation that they cannot resolve then they should take their belly aching to a more neutral party. At some point we have to stand up for ourselves and tell someone who is draining us that we are no longer available to engage in that kind of talk.
The worst is when this crap happens at work! If people do it to me, I just nod my head and try to change the subject.
Yeah… it’s not in my personal life 😉
I have been in that situation and to be completely honest I don’t know how I handled it… I can;t remember It is defnately tough to stay nutral though sorry I don’t have a good comment.
honestly i just will try to stay out of it…..kinda pretend that i ma clueless. ugh life! it is hard sometimes 🙂
Personally, I would be very blunt and tell both people to knock it off. It’s fine if they want to complain, just find someone else to listen because I won’t be doing so. 🙂
It can be a very hard and sticky situation. I try to avoid them if I can by listening to the person but, letting them know that I am friends or know the person they are complaining about. I also keep the conversations between us and not clue in the other person.
I generally won’t listen to both parties because it’s just terrible to be in the middle like that. I am fond of telling each person that I am friends with the other and that they need to find someone else to talk to about the whole situation.
Just for the record, people can leave mutual friends out of it. I’ve recently had a HUGE parting of ways with some people and I have never ever asked mutual friends to hear my side of things. Oddly to some determent as the squeaky wheels always get the grease but still, I’d rather be classy than loud.
Good for you for keeping mum! 🙂 I am going to try to remember to do that if I am ever on the other side.
Ugh. Definitely know what you’re dealing with and I absolutely hate those situations. What I do is try to keep everything I say as neutral as possible. I won’t necessarily agree or disagree but I’ll try to word it so they’re satisfied with my answer. I don’t like picking sides.
I haven’t had this situation in awhile, so I’m not sure “mature Mica” would handle this. Teenage Mica probably just agreed and talked smack about the other person to both complainers.
However, I’m constantly dealing with a friend who goes back and forth on how she feels about things. I finally told her point-blank that it’s difficult to “change” my opinion every week between “He’s sweet” and “What a dick!” I think it was somewhat eye-opening for her when I said “I want to be a good friend. Would it help you more if I just agreed with what you said or if I told you my honest opinion?”
You might want to just say “It’s hard for me to be in this situation. Would you prefer just an ear to listen? If not, I don’t know what I can do…”
Wow! What did your friend say?!
I do think I should say that, to at least one of them. “You just want me to listen?” I hope that is all. I don’t want to go around talking about everyone.
Tough position. I would tell both of them that you’re friends with both and you like them both and it’s too hard on you to be put in the middle or to be a “sounding board” and you can’t continue to listen to it b/c it’s too much for you to deal with. Then, if they still don’t zip it, then really, you just have to make a call and avoid the person who’s babbling on and on…
tough place to be though!
eeek. i don’t envy you. i try not to get involved in any negative talk, whether i know the people or not.
I work in a middle school. Where the staff acts like middle school. I am in the main office and this post is my life for 8 hours a day every day.
That’s a tough situation. I learned in health counseling that you can affirm what the other person is saying without actually agreeing with them. For instance, “I can understand that you like to do drugs and don’t see that it’s a problem.” <– tricky lol
This is the story of my life. I’m ALWAYS caught in the middle and it’s SO hard and SO stressful to try to remain neutral! (But possible because I’ve done it!) As much as the person wants you to vent back with them, you have to just master the skill of hearing what they have to say, asking questions, repeating what they say back to them (so they know you’re listening), but then trying SO hard to remain judgment/opinion free. Sorry you’re in this tricky situation!!
I tend to act uninterested. And then, when they ask what’s up, I explain that I’m friends with both of them and I really don’t feel its fair to be stuck in the middle against my will. Not a popular answer, but an honest one.
Um, when I first read the title, I thought you were talking about a neutral running stride. Lord I am so anxious to run again LOL!
This is hard. I deal with this kind of a lot with my family. I mean, nothing serious, but my sisters will complain about my mom to me, and my mom says things about my sisters to me! It’s not horrible stuff, just nitpicky stuff. I honestly have to try my best to just nod and acknowledge what they are saying. It’s hard to not fuel not the fire, especially when you agree with what they say! Also, I’ll ask things like, “Well, have you TALKED to them about this?” 95% of the time, the answer is no. It’s tough to do, but I really have to picture the other person there and try my best not to say bad things, too.
I’m an advocate for recognizing that my relationship with a person doesn’t nor should it dictate another person’s relationship with that same person. Which is what I tell people when they try to disparage a mutual friend to me: You can talk to me about someone, but don’t expect me to either agree with you or have your opinion colour mine. If that is what you’re looking for, look elsewhere. Maybe not that bluntly, but that’s the gist…
I try and live that in my own life too. If I have an issue with someone I try not to drag their friends into it as well. If asked directly, I won’t lie, but I also won’t try to disparage the person either.