How to show someone you don’t care about their interests
Thank you all for being so nice on my confessions post yesterday. I didn’t mean to be so dramatic, but what the hell? I’ve been feeling shitty, and I might as well lay it out there. Reading all the comments made me instantly feel better, especially knowing so many of you can relate. I may cut back on posting a bit, but we’ll see how that goes. This is one of the “fun” things in my day!
So, I had a post about an article I read on self-defeating behavior written for today, but I am going to save it for a rainy day. Instead, you get to read a RANT. Yay!
My theory: when someone you see on a regular basis doesn’t take your interests seriously, they are telling you that they just don’t care about you.
Example? Oh, let’s just say you are vegan (this is just an example, remember). And you have explained what “following a vegan lifestyle” is to someone – not eating eggs, dairy, honey, avoiding animal remnants in clothing and body care products to the best of your ability.
Yet, you repeatedly get questions like this from this person:
- Can you eat raisins?
- Can you eat bread?
- Can you eat tomatoes?
- Can you eat corned beef?
Really? Really? I can eat WHATEVER I want, but remember, I told you about this vegan lifestyle I try to follow…?
How hard is it to understand? Half of the questions are serious, half are done for an audience. Sure, I will be the butt of your jokes, no problem… but all you are doing is telling me that my decisions don’t matter to you, that you don’t respect me, and that you think this interest of mine is stupid.
Think about it. It doesn’t have to be about what you eat. It can be about anything you are interested in – running, knitting, telling Chuck Norris jokes, biking, racing, working on your car, baking… when people don’t take your interests seriously, they don’t care about you.
And that’s fine. It really is. I don’t want everyone I meet to care about me, especially what I eat (because who cares what I eat?). Just please. Don’t be so obvious that you don’t give a shit about this interest of mine.
What do you think? Have I lost it? Or can you relate? Do you know anyone who doesn’t take YOUR interests seriously?
I understand that not everyone will be interested in the same thing as me. I sure as hell am not interested in the same things as many other people. But when they talk to me about them, I try to listen, remember what they said, and ask follow-up questions that make sense the next time they bring it up. Even if it is something I really, really, really don’t care about…
Themocracy
Well said! Ditto on everything! 🙂
Ugh, I know what you mean. I have a boss who fusses over everyone’s stories and will walk away when I am talking. Makes me feel about 2 inches big!
That makes me feel awful too!
For sure I can relate. Sometimes I feel like screaming “NO I DON’T EAT FISH – FISH ARE ANIMALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Since you used being vegan as your example, I can DEFINITELY relate! It is so annoying, even after I explain to people a thousand times and they still ask stuff like that. If they really took the time to listen and understand what I am saying, there would be no reason to ask! Then again, I usually try to give people the benefit of the doubt and explain it to them again. I mean, maybe some people truly don’t understand what it means to be vegan. Of course, that was just the example, but I can see how this would apply to other areas of life as well.
Yes I can relate… it is soooo annoying. To be honest I have gotten to a point that if someone does that continuously I just igonore them… for example… this girl everytime I saw her and talk to her she would say.. oh I love Orange truffle (my old blog) I read it everyday… and I would say oh that’s great I have moved to a new address as of January.. here is the address.. finally halfway through Feb I said whatever.. now I tell that’s great I am glad
This is SO annoying when it happens. My supervisor at my old job, any time that running was mentioned would say ‘One should only run when being chased.’ and then walk away. Yes, maybe that’s your opinion, but I’m respectful enough not to say ‘One should only introduce children into a world with a loving and supportive home.’ at every mention of her kids….
HA! I love your kid comment.
I hate it when people say that about running. It’s so tired.
I think that it is a mix of pure ignorance and that they think how can you be serious. With food, there are so many people who have no idea what is in the products they eat. They lack basic knowledge. However, it sounds like their tone and the fact that they had an audience made them aggressive question you.
But in general, I find that people don’t care about your interest because they lack understanding .
Oh gosh. I didn’t even think about that. I feel like such a fool! You are right – people have NO IDEA what is IN what they are eating!
I agree with what Christina said… I think it may come across as being insensitive (& it may be intended that way too) but, especially with this particular example, I think it is a lack of understanding.
And hey, I like rants on blogs because if you can’t show the REAL you, then what’s the point!? 😀
Hang in there… it’s almost the weekend!
This is one of the things I love about you. We have so many different interests in addition to the things that make us similar and you always make me feel like you are interested in what I am talking about even when I know it isn’t something that you would choose or do. I think one of the cool things about bloggers is that we really care about learning about other people, so even when the topic isn’t something we know much about, we still want to hear/learn what the other person is interested in.
When my son was completely vegan I remember how obnoxious people were. I remember one birthday party where people were grilling him about cake and why he wasn’t eating it (eggs, butter, etc) and he actually cried about it later after answering all their questions politely all day. It is fine to ask questions, but when you ask with judgement it just feels yucky!
Thank you Tori. I love talking to you, even about things I know nothing about/can’t relate 100%!
And you are right – bloggers are inherently more interested in other people’s lives. Why didn’t I think of that?
I cannot handle all the questions now, I cannot imagine your son dealing with it! 🙁
Oh, my gosh, that is so true. My family is forever ragging on me about how I “waste” my money on diving. Look, I’m not asking you to do it, am I?!?!
<3 <3
Sometimes people don’t understand why you make the choices you make and I think that’s why they pick fun or ask so many questions. I’m sure some people really just don’t care (about you or the choice) but others probably are just ignorant. I also think that sometimes people who mock others interests are just jealous.
They do always comment on “how healthy” I eat. Maybe they are jealous? It seems so silly!
this drives me nuts. but sometimes, things are so unfathomable to other people, that they really cannot either 1. get interested enough in it, or 2. they just don’t get it. my husband is allergic to dairy and whey. i cannot tell you how many times people then ask him, “so, can you drink milk?” even his mother….
No! Even his MOTHER?!
Love this post (and I always love a good rant ;)). I came across a bunch of people like these and it’s needles to say that they have never been true friends anyway.. I just stay away from people like these as much as possible because who needs people who make fun of you?
You just described my thoughts exactly:
“I can eat WHATEVER I want, but remember, I told you about this vegan lifestyle I try to follow…?”
It irks me to no end when someone says I “can’t have something” or…even worse…when they take ice cream and try to rub it in your face like “sucks you can’t have any.”
^First off, I’m vegan because of beliefs and animal products don’t appeal to me. So you attempting to “taunt” me with your farm animal’s breast milk…isn’t tempting. If someone were to taunt someone who’s Jewish for their beliefs it would be a crime.
Rant. Over. lol
Thanks for relating! People act like I am suffering too. Um, hello! I choose to live this way!
It sounds like the person in your hypothetical example is going beyond just not caring into actually belittling you by teasing you in front of other people. I think teasing is always mean, even though some people believe it’s funny. Obviously they get some kind of enjoyment out of making you out to be an oddball.
Maybe it’s time for a new strategy, like printing out a list of vegan foods from the Internet, and the next time they ask you a question as a joke, just say, “You seem to have a lot of questions about what I eat as a vegan, so I think it will be easier for both of us if I give you some information about that.” (As long as it’s not your boss, that could take the wind out of their sails and let them know you’re ready for the jokes to stop).
That is exactly why they are doing it! To tease me in front of an audience. The list is a good idea!
I don’t know how the questions are being phrased to you, and corned beef is riduculous to ask since that is extremely NOT vegan, but could it be genuine curiousity? (And I get those are just example questions.)
I am a question asker, so I would probably be that annoying peron, but not because I don’t care about you, but the exact opposite. I am interested in learning more about your lifestyle.
I am a total question asker too… but raisins? Tomatoes? They were just being silly sometimes, on purpose. I don’t mind real questions though.
This is more of an observation, really. I remember talking to a vegan friend about food we were going to order for a group. Someone suggested a meat dish, and I said, “So and so *can’t* eat meat. The vegan friend replied, actually I can, I just choose not to…: and from than on, I try to be conscience of how I say things in that regard. Your post reminded me of that situation.
I CAN TOTALLY relate…people are always asking me questions about my running and insinuating things I don’t like! UGH!
I do love a good rant – when it comes from you, Kim, because it always seems to be things I would rant about or have already! And yes, I know where you are coming from on this one – I have some bad dynamics going on with my in-laws about what I choose to eat or not to eat… I try to remember that it’s their problem not mine – but honestly? It does make me feel like they really don’t care about me at all.
I am the same way. I know it is THEM, but it makes me feel like they don’t care about ME.
it’s a little tricky when one of your interests is pole dancing… because i do see how easy that is to make jokes about. pole dancer, stripping, haha, ok, funny one time. but after i’ve explained to you that it’s aerobic, and no there is no stripping, and actually it requires a lot of strength and i really enjoy it? STOP MAKING JOKES ABOUT HOW I’M A STRIPPER, THANKS.
That would make me nuts! And if they would just listen to you talking about it, they would realize what a hardcore workout it is!
I think someone can care about you without necessarily respecting certain things about you — as in family. For instance, I know my mother loves me dearly, but she has a tendency to think some of my ideas and interests are weird or crazy, and she doesn’t have a problem saying or insinuating so. I don’t think she sees it as being disrespectful, just honest. All I can do is try to keep working with her and letting her know when I think she’s wrong or being offensive. Luckily I have the ability to choose my own friends to balance what family sometimes throws at me. 🙂
I am okay with people thinking being vegan is crazy, and even with them not taking the time to understand it, but why do they have to ridicule it? What is the point? I think that is what shows me they don’t care about me!
i find these are the people who are most threatened by you. stay away :)!
I’m actually very sensitive about this. I get hurt relatively easily when people don’t ask about things that they KNOW are important to me. My vegetarianism is like totally dismissed by my family. I cherish my friends who ask about my writing because, honestly, sometimes my husband goes long stretches without inquiring about it. I think it’s important to be validated and to connect with people who care about what matters to you. I have a small group of good friends and they are all great because they ask about ME — what movies I’m watching, what books I’m reading, how I’m doing with eating, what’s new with my writing, etc. I love that! I’m a good friend in that I make sure to ask about what matters to others too. A good friend of mine is Muslim and I ask her about her church services all the time, even though I’m not religious at all. I know it’s important to her. That’s what relationships are about.
I try to do the same as you… and I cherish those friends who actually take the time to care what is going on with me!
I’m pretty sure any blogger who has tried to explain their blog to the non-blogging community has dealt with this wrath. IMHO, it’s ignorant, naive and closed minded behavior to so carelessly shirk what is important to someone else.
I have to say, I have SUCH respect for you because I’m sure those comments/questions/looks are numerous. I only say that because I even get them, just because I eat things they some people think are weird (tofu, quinoa, Larabars….yeah – people LOVE their fast food here).
My boss is like that. She will go on and on and ON about herself, but doesn’t give a *&#^ about other people. She’ll ask me questions about things I think to be PC, but in the end she just goes right back to talking about herself. So…being the immature one that I am, I try to flip the conversation back to what I was talking about! 😉
Thank you Holly 🙂 I do get TONS of comments! But, like you said, ALL of us trying to eat healthier do! I could tell my sis thought the food we made for her last weekend was really strange.
Your boss sounds similar to this person. It is rare they ask about you. And they ask a lot of non-PC questions. Sometimes I want to say something about me too, but with reactions like this, I wonder if I should keep to myself!
Nope, not crazy. You make some very good points. Admittedly, I tend to be pretty bad about remembering some details about people, but overall I know if you’re allergic to something/don’t eat something/dislike something/or are interested in something. I agree that it definitely shows a lack of genuine interest if you don’t bother to remember those things about a person or don’t ever bother to ask genuine questions.
I should clarify that not everyone has to remember every detail – that would be impossible. Just… be a good listener, you know? And don’t ask stupid questions over and over! You obviously don’t do that. You have always been a great listener to me! 🙂
I’d bet that person has found the only way she knows to justify her own lifestyle choices (which, she’s probably not that proud of). If she was proud of her own lifestyle choices, she would not feel the need to ridicule yours. Even if she loved meat…if she was okay with that and didn’t question her decision and felt comfortable with her choices for herself…then putting someone down would not even cross her mind. I guess what I’m saying is that this isn’t about you, or whoever this persons decides to put down…it’s all about her (or him). It’s not even that they don’t care about you…they’re not really thinking about you…this is about them. My two cents 🙂
Oh yeah. I know this is all about THEM! I actually had to talk to my therapist about this, and she helped me put that all in perspective. It still annoys me from time to time though!
I know what you’re talking about–though I probably have offended many a vegan/vegetarian/Christian by asking questions like “Can you do/eat ___?”
That said, it annoys me to no end when I tell people that I have a big race coming up and they can’t remember anything about it. I don’t run that many races, so when people forget about it completely, I get a little miffed.
As long as saying, “do you…” rather than “can you…” it should be okay! And I know you are not obnoxious like this person.
I could write a whole rant about how no one seems to care about my running. Are they just jealous they can’t run a mile?! I don’t get it. It makes me sad that I don’t tell coworkers I have a race coming up. I just tell my family and blog readers!
Seems like some people might be trying to be funny and really missing the mark. I’ve noticed since I’ve cut out certain foods from my diet that I get some comments like that. I chalk it up to their own discomfort about their eating. I don’t care if they want to eat McDonald’s but I’m not going to. Sheesh!
I don’t think people not taking an interest in my interests means they don’t support me but if they are relentlessly teasing me or making fun of me or dissing it, then I feel like I don’t want to share with them. I probably would also think they were a bit of an asshole. 🙂
This person’s sense of humor is usually very off. And… I don’t expect people to take an interest in my interests, but you are right – this should be re-worded. I just expect them to not brush them off ALL. THE. TIME. I listen to shit I don’t care about because it is polite. Can’t they humor me and not ask me these questions? Meh. I think I need to explain more.
I get picked on at work for the way I eat all the time. “Why are you eating again? Arent you trying to lose weight?” Well no, actually Im not. But thanks for that.
Or if someone brings in chocolates I get “oh Leah doesnt put that kind of crap into her body.”
Sure, make fun of it all you want, but Im healthy and I dont see how that can be a negative thing.
I relate to this big time!
omg just getting caught up, the last post with the confessions…you can email me if you wanna reply but one of my confessions and i think i am posting about it tomorrow is that i am sick to eff’ing death of people ripping off my recipes and not linking back. they copy it verbatim on their site, change one tiny silly thing, and claim they’ve “put their own spin on it”. i wish i could say i am flattered. i am ticked. that’s my confession 🙂 I LOVED reading yours!! amazing post!
I have noticed people doing this with your recipes… wtf?
This falls right into that post of mine from two weeks ago about friendships and running! My “friends” didn’t support my new lifestyle and if they did, they had an asshole way of showing it.
So I got new friends 🙂
At work, there are five of us (not all friends, but its a small school so we do see/talk) who pretty much stick to a healthy diet and workout on the regular. Three of us are avid runners. All of us are athletic. Other coworkers make comments DAILY to at least one of us that is a backhanded compliment. For example: I always order on Pizza Friday yet someone always has to say “oh wow…you okay to eat that?” Like, wtf?!??!
I was thinking about you when I wrote this! Duh, I should have found that post and linked back. It would have made me look a little less crazy.
It is always at work, isn’t it? Ugh. You think you are connecting with your coworkers by sharing personal things, but it is really risky!
Expressing interest and paying attention to what other people are talking about takes common sense. Some people don’t have it. 😉
You know, that is really what I am learning. I sometimes think people don’t realize that the things they are saying/asking are so ridiculous. They are just awkward or immature or have no common sense.
I have encountered the very same thing. In regards to a post a couple of weeks ago about a restaurant that seems to repeatedly insist a certain dish is meatless then I find meat in it. It think this is a classic example of what you are saying: People don’t respect the interests or preferences of others.
I agree, they just don’t care.
It’s sad that there are people who are so disrespectful of others. After all, we don’t have to embrace the interests of our peers, just listen and be accepting.
YES! I totally agree with this and it’s one of my biggest pet peeves. I also hate when people don’t remember stuff I’ve told them. If I have told you repeatedly about X and you can’t remember, well it really seems as if you don’t give a shit about me.
Agreed.
Unfortunately.
Make the effort, people!
This reminds me of a scene in the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding. She says she is a vegetarian, and the aunt says, that’s no problem I will make lamb.
I totally agree with what you are saying. It is very annoying and rude.
Oh gosh. When we saw that scene in the movie, we just laughed and laughed and laughed… because we could relate TOO much!
Sometimes things like this really bother me and I start to feel that people don’t take me seriously or don’t care. But then I remember that I never remember people’s birthdays (I’m so bad with dates) and it isn’t because I don’t care about them. I’ve had friends for years whose birthdays are the same every year – LOL – and I STILL can’t remember when they are. I DO care about my friends but I guess it just shows that birthdays really aren’t all that big a deal to me. In this day and age, with all the things we have to remember, it may just be that your dietary restrictions are not that important to them. How often are they feeding you, after all? Admittedly, it may be a little dimwitted to not realize that a vegetarian eats vegetables and that a vegan eats only non-animal products, or not to realize that a raisin is a plant food, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care about YOU. It just means that your diet is hard for them to remember. And these days, with all the allergies and special diets, really it is difficult to remember who can eat what. On the positive side, at least they cared enough to ask again. 🙂
I definitely don’t expect people to remember my birthday, or what I can and cannot eat. But when they belittle my lifestyle, that shows me it is more than forgetting. They aren’t asking because they care. I should have been more clear 😉
That would be tough. But I’ll admit that I’m sure that I’ve seemed like this to someone at some time.
However, I think as runners we’ll both get our fair share of forrest gump jokes or people telling us that we are ruining our knees. I just try to let it slide. If they are not worth getting worked up over, they probably aren’t worth my time.