Does what you discuss affect your happiness level?
There was a really interesting study on the Well blog last week about how the types of conversations you have affects your happiness level.
According to the study, people who spend more of their day having deep discussions and less time engaging in small talk seem to be happier.
The way they came to this conclusion is kind of ridiculous – they had 79 college students wear electronically activated recorders that recorded 30-second snippets of conversation every 12.5 minutes for four days. The researchers collected the conversation snippets and evaluated whether they were “deep discussions” or small talk (The examples they gave for “deep discussions” included talk about current affairs, philosophy, politics, religion, education and even analyzing television character’s motives. Small talk examples included talk about the weather or maybe watching a tv show.). Then, they compared the conversation ratio to self-reports they had the students do about satisfaction/happiness in life as well as to reports done by others who know the student. They concluded that the happiest person in the study had twice as many substantive conversations and only one-third the small talk as the unhappiest person.
The researchers’ theory behind this is that substantive conversation makes us happier because as humans we are driven to find and create meaning in our lives, and because we are social animals who want and need to connect with other people.
“By engaging in meaningful conversations, we manage to impose meaning on an otherwise pretty chaotic world,” Dr. Mehl said. “And interpersonally, as you find this meaning, you bond with your interactive partner, and we know that interpersonal connection and integration is a core fundamental foundation of happiness.”
I agree that bonding and connecting with people in general makes me feel happy. And I agree that I feel an urge to do that (hence, this blog!). However, and this is going to sound awful, I am NOT good at having “deep discussions.” I am of the “live and let live” mindset and try not to force my opinion too much on other people. And so many of those “deep discussions” lead to debate… so I sometimes avoid them! I have never been a good debater, and am not sure if I care to be. And sure, I wish I was knowledgeable to discuss “deep” topics with people, but I also enjoy discussing fitness (obviously), food, travel and other “meaningless” things.
I guess I am a bit put off. This article made me feel stupid. Because I know I wouldn’t have many “deep discussions” on my recorder. And I am not quite sure if they would make me feel any happier. At this point, I just feel excited when ANYONE wants to talk to me about ANYTHING. I tend to get a bit isolated, so the rare chit chat with my coworkers and friends puts me in quite the good mood. Maybe this is something I should work on. In the article, they mentioned that they would like to research if trying to have “deeper discussions” would lead to an increase in general happiness.
What do you think? Do you think the kind of things you discuss with people affects your happiness level at all? How do you notice interaction with people, in general, affecting your mood?
Themocracy
You don’t think discussing food, travel, and fitness wouldn’t be considered ‘deep’? I mean, it’s defintely not as trivial as commenting on the weather or just saying hi to someone.
I don’t really discuss religion, polititcs, or any of those so-called ‘deep’ things either because I don’t usually have a strong opinion or the will to back up any opinion I do have. So I just let other people take part in those sorts of conversations and I just listen.
Also, wouldn’t you expect a person who engages in more deep discussions to be more outgoing, and therefore appear/be more happy? (not saying that introverted people aren’t happy, but outgoing people appear moreso to others and that was part of the measurement used in this study)
I think the extent that I discuss food, travel and fitness with people is not deep, but I think it can be. The thing is, I am around people who don’t know me that well, so I feel like almost everything I discuss ends up being on the trivial level.
You brought up a great point about people who engage in deep discussions being more outgoing. I am happy to see that people are alraedy questionting this study. It seems so silly!
First, fitness, food and travel are all subjects that would probably be considered deep. Superficial is weather, nice boots, can I borrow your pen…no opinion necessary. I think 🙂
Seems that there’s another variable that needs to be taken into consideration. People who have “deeper” conversations are probably talking to someone they know relatively well and so may simply have more close friends. Those who have more superficial conversations, may have fewer people they can exchange deeply with. Which could be confounding the results a bit. My researcher biased two-cents 🙂
And to base it on college students, who are around their friends all day? Come on. You bring up a good point – they probably ARE around people they are more comfortable with. I am mostly around my coworkers all day, then Steven. That’s it! I am lucky if I get to see a friend.
And I only mention those things as not being deep because when I talk to people about them in real life, it’s just “I am excited that Steven is going to make Apple Fritters this weekend!” Or “How did you like The 30 Day Shred?” And… no one is really asking me what is going on with me. Wah wah wah 😛
I am happy to see that people are already pointing out how lacking this study is!
I have those deep discussions with my husband only. We tend not to debate but discuss our opinions and if they differ, we seem to relate to what the other is saying but accept that we don’t have to agree. Great relationship.
As for deep disc. with others – I find the same as you: people tend to try to force their opinions down my throat then I get mad. Simple conversations are the best with day to day friends.
I think that is a very weird study. To me, it is the people who have deep discussions about things like philosophy and the state of the world who are the least happy, because those subjects are so heavy and can lead to feelings of pessimism and hopelessness. That being said, I don’t think the goal of life should necessarily be to make oneself happy. There are issues such as politics, religion, and the environment that deserve our attention simply because we are human. I like to discuss these issues with my husband and did with my late father, but not with people at work because they can be divisive.
That being said, I’m picking up on a couple of issues in your reaction. One is maybe not having enough people around to have face-to-face conversations with. Naturally you’re not going to ask your co-workers if God exists while you’re at the coffee machine! The second is not giving yourself credit for all of the discussion that you promote on your blog, especially in the Friday Questions, in which you talk about things like important traits in people and eating responsibly. I usually find your blog thought-provoking.
Finally, if the study made you feel a little self-conscious about not having deep discussions, maybe that is an opportunity to expand that aspect of yourself a little! You’re obviously a very smart, caring, and conscientious person. Maybe there is a cool podcast on philosophy, art, or current events that you would enjoy listening to while you work out and could inspire some rewarding conversations! NPR and BBC both have some great shows.
I think an balance of serious deep conversations and fluf conversations keeps me feeling the most satisfied. I like having deep conversations that keep me thinking and on my toes and make me want to learn more about subjects; especially if it’s a semi-argument, then I feel especially stimulated. But it would be stressful ONLY having deep conversations. I like having nice fluf conversations about silly things, it’s like reading the gossip page in the newspaper, plus it’s easier to talk to strangers and your boss, co-workers, etc, if you’re good at small talk. You can just be sociable in general with chit chat.
But, I think this extends to other things in life too though. I feel best at work when I have a mix of tasks that challenge me and make me think and tasks that are simple which I can do without much thought or effort. At home I like a balance between cleaning and cooking and things that I find easy, and balancing the houses finances, eek! Actually, I would be happier without worrying about the finances part!
I think maybe the study pigeonholed themselves by saying that deep conversations=happiness. I think it probably extends more to having mental stimulation, like deep conversations, AND breaks of non-stimulating, things like chit-chat, equals more happiness.
I have deep discussions with my kids every day but other than that I don’t really talk to too many people during the day. So I’m not even having much of the small talk kind of talks. But I do think after talking to a good friend about “real” things I always feel better so maybe there is a tiny bit of validity to this? Or maybe the people who have people they can talk about deep things with are happier in general? If you think about it, people who have mainly chit chat kind of discussions are probably at work, while people who are having deeper conversations are probably with people they feel comfortable with. Which one logically seems like it would make a person more happy? Maybe that is what the study really found? That people who spend a lot of time with friends are happier?
It’s a good question. I am definitley more content when I feel I have connected with someone, be it through small talk or a deep and long conversation. I’m less concerned about the length and subjet matter than the actual person and whether or not we clicked.
It depends on the person, if it is someone that I like, then in most cases, they put me in a pleasant mood. However that can change depending on the tone or subject of the conversation. For people that I am not on great terms with, I tend to brace myself for the conversation and that may or may not make me happy (again it depends on the subject).
It’s funny, because as introspective and self-aware as I am, I have never really noticed my happiness correlate with the kind of conversations I have–specifically, deep versus surface. I think this survey, while interesting to read in it’s own respect, is kind of silly. I spent my childhood and young adulthood unhappy, moody and negative, despite being able to have and seeking out somewhat intelligent conversations in my life (think: college, mid-20s). What made me a happy person was changing the way I viewed and experienced my world–not whether I was talking about clothes with a girlfriend or rhetoric in a journalism course.
I hope that didn’t make me sound arrogant or judgmental–I didn’t mean it that way. But my point is, my mood and happiness level is based on the way I experience things and my attitude and my choices–not the conversations I have. Though, a good conversation may make me feel excited, happy, etc., it’s not the defining force. And, any “deeper” coversations I have rarely include politics, philosophy or most current affairs; they usually are about religion or mental health advocacy, and are EXHAUSTING–not really mood-lifting stuff!
But, that’s just my $.02!
PS: I read comments before posting my $.02, and I agree with ChezJulie. 🙂
Hmmm … I think my interactions with other people affect my mood, but it more has to do with the people in general than the conversation. I don’t like “deep” conversation topics all the time because I find they cause arguments. How does that make people happy?
I’m pretty sure a sample size of 79 does not make a statistically significant study sample. So, I’d be hesitant to believe anything from that study. Plus, there are so many different factors that go into a person’s happiness. Sure, daily interactions is one of them. So is health and eating and exercise and work and stress and money and family and on and on and on.
I think that’s a crappy study 🙂
I’m like you in that I don’t tend to want to discuss politics, religion, world affairs, etc because I either don’t know enough about it to actually have a conversation or I just don’t feel strongly enough to care. Sometimes Jason and I will have those kinds of conversations and that does make me feel closer to him, but generally I just like to have a conversation that is more than a few sentences in which I click with the person and I feel like we’re truly listening to each other and sharing ideas. Even if those ideas are about how horrible certain tv shows are!
I really hate small talk. I’m just not chatty that way. I tend to keep to myself at work, for example. I’m not saying that’s the best way to do it, but I just feel drained engaging in discussions about “Dancing with the Stars.” However, it makes me feel so good to connect with people on common interests. I don’t think it has to be “deep”; any common interest will do. I love talking to vegetarians, writers, readers, bloggers, movie-lovers, pet-owners, etc. I don’t like getting into religion or politics with people as I’m aware that my beliefs aren’t “traditional.” I’m not the type to like arguments. So, ya, in short, I avoid the “How was your weekend?” talk with co-workers I don’t care for, and talk to someone I connect with about what I made for dinner 🙂
You know, that is interesting….I would have thought it would be the other way around? I only say that because of phrases like, “Ignorance is bliss,” and the fact that the people I know who LOVE to have really deep intellectual conversations very often are not any happier than the next person. I would even say they seem less happy!
I do love a deep conversation with a friend or family member now and then, but doing it ALL the time makes me feel like I’m not enjoying the little things….ya know?
I am not sure how much I agre with this article… I have had small talks that make me happy or happier.. a nice hello with a smile… or how was your weekend can have as much of an affect on your mood as a deep conversation. For my sanity sake I avoid deep conversations at work… and keep them to small talks.. otherwise I would want to jump out the window.
This is kind of interesting! I feel like I tend to have more “deep” conversations when I’m unhappy and I’m not necessarily sure that they make me any happier. Small talk makes me happy! It usually means there’s nothing terrible going on that I feel the need to discuss 🙂
Shit, if that’s true then I should be a happy camper because I have deep discussions for a profession.
I think it’s probably a balance– intimate conversations (with partner, friends, family) can feel more fulfilling and enriching while small talk is helpful for feeling friendly and connected on some level.
eesh! i talk to middle schoolers are day I must be very unhappy according to the study!
not true…..infact sometimes talking about easy things are nice. I think deep conversations can be draining!
I know, without question, that small talk puts me in a BAD mood. I don’t want to talk about the weather with people I do know and I tend to get anxious talking to people I don’t know. I like to have deep discussions — mostly about politics — with people because I like to hear what others have to say, what their experiences have been. Also, I don’t necessarily think conversations about fitness, food and travel are shallow — I think you can get deep about any topic!
See now I think this is quite the reverse. My mood/happiness affects how much I interact with people and the depth to which I do that, not vice versa. I’d like to think my happiness is derived from within rather than from an outside source.
I have no interest in debating and am happy to hear another’s point of view even if it differs from my own.
In general I really don’t like small talk: I try to live by the motto of not saying much, but when I do talk, it’ll be about something important/meaningful to me. So I suppose one could twist that around to say I’m happy(-er?) when I get into “deep discussions”?
It kind of depends on my mood…ironically. Sometimes I want to just engage in small talk and nothing more…but other times I crave stimulating discussion. So I would argue that my mood effects my conversation not the conversation affecting my mood.
Funny, two different people sent me that article today. 🙂
One friend was complaining that all people talk about is the weather anymore–I said I think it’s b/c it’s a fairly innocent topic that can’t offend or cause hurt feelings.
The other friend said it reminded her of a very long conversation we had a couple weeks ago about women’s roles changing over time and how it affects our relationships, dating, families and work.
Frankly, I think a balance of both makes me happy. Too much deep stuff wears me out, but too much fluff would get boring.
i really think that there is NOT something to that study. i am a social worker and have spent many a day in deep conversations, that being counseling with people. i think that in jobs like that, you have to have an outlet to NOT have deep conversation. it is draining. that and the fact that when i was in school, i seriously met the most depressed bunch of people that i know.
i like balanced conversations where i feel tied to the content. i don’t like to be lectured. or interrupted 🙂 sometimes the tone/feel of the convo matters more to me. elliot is big into discussions, tho.
Getting caught up – spring break is hell on blogs! 🙂
Yes, I TOTALLY do. I am a firm believer that smiles are contagious and one person spreading bad vibes spreads like a virus amongst all of the people around him.