How to be more patient
Wow, everyone – I felt so much better yesterday knowing how many of you could relate to my frustration with things being out of my control. There were some great tips:
- Take deep breaths and remember that one frustrating day means nothing in the grand scheme of things – from Anna
- Take me time – even if it’s just 15 minutes of peace and quiet – from Karin
- Schedule time to get things done – defer emails, phone calls and questions so that you can focus – from Nilsa
- Take a break and count to 10 – from Scale Warfare
- Control the only thing you can – your reaction – from Christina
- Put the situation into perspective – from Lacey
- Keep long term goals in mind – from RunningLaur
- Take a break from your routine (to keep things fresh) – from Kate
- Give yourself an entire day with nothing planned – from Diane
I figured since many of you could relate to my frustration with things being out of my control, that you might also relate to my problems with being impatient. I think those two issues go hand in hand – you create an elaborate schedule for yourself, and are very impatient if things don’t go accordingly. Sadly, I am almost always in a rush, or cutting my time short – cramming as much into my day as I can. It goes haywire when I expect other people to be on the same path as me, and they just aren’t (good for them!). I get impatient when someone isn’t on time, when someone takes longer than I think they should, when I have to wait for an answer, when the train is late, when I am behind a slow driver (last night!), when I am waiting to get into my seat on a plane, when I am stuck in a slow-moving line… you get the idea!
Valerie Frankel wrote a great article for the March issue of SELF, humorously discussing her lack of patience and how she went about changing it. She cites a few studies done about impatience, and shares the suggestions she received on dealing with it.
Here is what really spoke to me from the article:
Impatience can also be a by-product of living in a chaotic world. Generally, it arises when we don’t feel in control.
Waiting with patience means actively accepting the current circumstances and giving up the illusion that you can control the world.
Agreed! But, wait… how do I do that?!
Frankel received tips (from a Buddhist monk) on how to be more patient:
- Distraction: when you are waiting in line, read a book.
- Meditation: say a mantra of your own as you breathe in and out.
- Manage expectations: instead of thinking “this line should move faster,” try “it would be nice if this line moved faster.”
- Accept circumstances: accept the things you cannot change
- Have a sense of humor: this Frankel’s tip – if all else fails, find something to laugh at!
Notice how similar some of these tips are to the tips you gave me yesterday?
Are you impatient? Do you think this tips would work for you? What are your tips on being more patient?
I think they might work for me, but that I would really have to do a lot of self-talk to calm myself down. I am going to try them though!
Yesterday in the comments, Erin mentioned that she used to create all of these plans, but never share them… then she felt upset when people weren’t following her plans. She realized this didn’t make sense – how would they know what she wanted to do if she didn’t tell them – so she started sharing her plans.
I used to do that too. I still do, a bit. I create these elaborate schedules and do not share them with Steven, then wonder why we are so frustrated with each other on the weekends. Now we plan out our weekends, and when I wake up in the morning, I usually ask him what he wants to get done during the day.
So, that is my tip – VOCALIZE YOUR SCHEDULE – it decreases the chances that it will be interrupted, or, lets you plan for interruptions.
If you’re interested, I’ve included a few other interesting tidbits from the article below:
Apparently, impatient people are…
- prone to obesity*
- at high rish for hypertension later in life**
- rated lower in IQ then more patient people***
- procrastinators****
A few other tidbits:
- Time-Urgency Impatience (TUI) is the feeling of being under constant pressure – this is sometimes called the “hurry-up syndrome.”
- It is common for impatient people to have a Type A personailty
- Impatience is not a personailty trait – it’s a behavior – which means you can alter it
*According to a study at the University of Munich in Germany and the University of Michigan at Dearborn
**According to a study at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago
***A study done at the University of Bonn in Germany gave study objects IQ exams along with a patience test (they had the option of taking a sum of money then, or waiting to receive more), those who delayed payment had higher IQs than the other group
****Researchers at Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois, and Columbia University in New York City told 550 people that they could have a small check immediately or a larger check later. The people who took the small check immediately took longer to cash it than those who took the larger check later.
Themocracy
Thanks for sharing! I’m going to try some of those out!
It’s funny you are writing about this as I just had that weird experience with being delayed this week … I tend to be very impatient and I guess I am trying to be more zen about it. And it seems to be working! I try to be aware that there might be a reason for being delayed and that it just might be to my benefit… That’s not to say, though, that I never get stressed out – I do! but less, much less, than before. A very interesting book that touches on this and many other things is “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach, a meditation teacher – I highly recommend it – her ideas helped me a lot!
Thanks for the recommendation!
It is funny that it mentions sense of humor because I laugh at everything. Maybe that is why it is easy for me to be patient with things that drive other people crazy?
But I am sometimes very impatient when I am busy and have a million things to get done and a conversation takes too long. I am trying to notice when I feel that way and put a stop to it because really how ridiculous is it to be annoyed that a friend/husband/kid is taking too long to share their thoughts with me? It doesn’t happen too often, but it shouldn’t happen at all. Nothing on my to do list should be more important than an actual person!
I have been like that a lot lately too – just wishing people would get to the point when they are talking. It’s been happening a lot at work, but every once in awhile, with friends/family. I kind of feel guilty about wanting people to shut up… but kind of not. I think some people just love to hear themselves talk and do need to be told to shut up. Ha ha.
Oh my goodness… I think Chris would diagnosis me with TUI if he could! I am always rushing around, even when I don’t have anything to rush around to do. Going to the mall? Somehow I need to speed and be impatient with the slow(er) driver in front of me despite the fact that I am not at all in a time crunch. Going out for dinner? The food should be coming faster… even if the fact that it is taking longer probably means it will taste better. I’m trying to constantly remind myself that by rushing around I am losing sight of the neat stuff around me – but yeah, I need to constantly remind myself 🙂
“patience” was actually on my development plan for work last year . . . every quarter we had to choose a new soft skill to work on, that one stayed on my plan for three quarters!
It seems like the Buddhist monk tips don’t really address the issue that is making you feel impatient – which is trying to cram so much into each day that you can’t do it all, or being impatient when other people keep you from doing it all.
Do you plan things out in writing or just in your head? What if you adopted the trick that people use when packing, where they pack everything they need and then take a few items out? Maybe setting your expectations lower by planning fewer things to get done in a day would result in less impatience?
Just a thought!
I think the monk didn’t address that in the article because the author was generally impatient – not necessarily for the same reason as me (schedule). I often do write things on a list and only half of them get crossed off. So… they just get pushed to the next day. I guess that’s not the point. But they are things I need to get done at work/home.
I think the big key here is Manage the Things You Cannot Change. I was once much more impatient than I am now. But, the reality is, the world doesn’t revolve around me, nor my schedule. And I have to accept not only that some people will have different schedules, but also that just because they do doesn’t mean they’re wrong. Can’t we all just get along?! =)
“Take deep breaths and remember that one frustrating day means nothing in the grand scheme of things.”
That is good advice and true, one bad day shouldn’t ruin your perspective. I will try and keep this in mind!
I am definately impatient and it is something that I am constatnly trying to work at. I can completely relate to you as I used to plan our weekends and get frustrated that things are not going the way the plan/schedule says.. but now we talk about them and plan them together.
The sharing thing is sometimes a problem in my household too.. But it gets better and better. 🙂
I think I am sometimes a impatient person but I’m very relaxed when I don’t have a tight schedule. (That’s kind of logical, right?) I should definitely become more zen though ;).
That IS logical. I wish I could have a non-tight schedule all the time! MUAH HA HA HA 😛
It is no secret that I am the most impatient person. It is a terrible habit but nothing I do helps me. I loved this article in Self and I cracked up the entire time I was reading it because I could have easily written it. Valerie Frankel has the best sense of humor and is SO honest. Love it.
I am going to do a better job trying to vocalize. I hope it helps.
I am so so so impatient. It’s definitely one of my main things that I strive to work on. I think a lot of those tips could be helpful. I’m patient with things like kids and animals, but adults and situations out of my control really trigger that stressful, urgent sense of impatience.
Thanks for the recognition!
I tend to be patient…until I reach the threshold and then I head down the road of impatiences very quickly. Usually I get impatient when I have to use the loo or if I am hungry or sleepy.
I like the “accept the things you cannot change”. right now we are dealing with dog issues and I have been getting very impatient. I think that I can focus that energy by highlighting her good points rather than getting frustrating.
Definitely, a work in progress but, major food for thought.
Being patient with animals (and small children) is really hard because you cannot communicate with them! I hope your dog issues get better!
I’m glad to know I’m not the only person who was bad at sharing plans!
Also, that’s really interesting about impatient people being procrastinators. You’d think it would be the opposite, but the more I thought about myself I realized I *am* both impatient AND a procrastinator! Weird.
lol i love that you cited your sources, so academic of you. great tips from everyone, including ms frankel :). her tips actually sound a lot like DBT, the mindfulness aspect of it, distraction, and acceptance. nice!
Thanks for the tips I know I could really use them. I think accepting the circumstances I cannot change is going to be the biggest struggle for me. I am a planner and a worrier and a what-if person. But It is something I work towards everyday.
i read that article too, however, i think i have too much patience. it was a really good article and i think that some of the tips in there were really on target. they are mostly things that we just need to take time to do…something that most people don’t use their extra time for. i will admit, i thought the best part of the article was her outburst at the subway employee….”TUNA, TUNA, TUNA!”
LOL! That part made me laugh too!
If you are overly-patient, you should share your tips with us!
I have a problem with patience. I also have a problem with vocalizing my schedule. For a long time, I expected my husband to read my mind. Constantly. This was a complete mystery to him. I had all these elaborate plans and things to do, and he was totally unaware, which just frustrated me more. Now, I just state my expectations. That way, if something doesn’t work out the way I want, I don’t have to stew over it secretly. It’s a public suckiness, and that makes it easier to get over, somehow. I like the idea about maintaining a sense of humor to stay patient. This helps me. Also, accepting things as they are. I tend to get very antsy for what’s next, and that makes me impatient for the present. My mom is always telling me that 95% of the things I think I “have” to get done can wait. And that’s true. There’s no real need for me to be so urgent.
You know, it is much better to be upset about something publicly… I hate it when Steven internalizes what is bothering him. I bet he hates it when I do it too!
I am slowly learning (at work) that things are not as urgent as I think!
I’m actually pretty patient except for when it comes to driving, that’s usually the only thing that makes me extremely impatient and annoyed. When I notice that feeling coming on I try to take deep breaths and change the song to one that’s more soothing.
I’m more patient now than I think I ever have been, and I recall being very impatient! A big part of the change was slowing down my life. We moved out of the city, I found a job that doesn’t make me crazed, I live with a man whose schedule is that he has no schedule and I’ve come to realize that, wow, life isn’t all about me and what I need/want at the moment. I’m not sure I have many tips except that it’s important to slow down, enjoy the good things and get some perspective on what really matters to you. (That said, I will never stop talking smack to stupid drivers while I’m on the road. ;))
what a great thing to think about -thanks!
parenthood = an infinite increase in the amt of patience you have. I used to be the most impat. person but have gotten soooo much better since having skylar…great post, love it girl!
Now I dont want to say Im impatient because Im afraid it will make me have a low IQ!!
I do procrastinate though – which doesnt make any sense given that Im not always the most patient person. I dont even know that impatient is the right word. I can wait on hold forever and be totally ok with it. Its more, irritation when things dont go my way. Like when Im ready to go and my boyfriend is still putting on is shoes. Why didnt he do it at the same time I did? That kind of thing.
Oh yes… I can relate to that sort of impatience… people being sloooooooooooooow…………..
I used to be super impatient but I have been trying hard to get that in check. Not everyone moves at my super fast pace. And I was finding myself upset with people, who reminded me of loved ones; if someone is impatient with my loved ones it make me angry, so I try to keep that in perspective.
It takes time, and I find it takes training…you have to train yourself to slow down. I fine, that while I am not super religious, saying the Serenity Prayer, really does help.
life is all about practicing patience these days, so thank you for this post!
These are the situations where I try to adopt the deep breath/self talk approach. This morning I was in the elevator, running a little late, and of course it was one of those elevator rides where we were stopping on nearly every floor. I started to feel annoyed and then I thought, “Really, is there anything at all I can do to change this situation? Nope. Might as well just accept it, which feels better than being mad and agitated.”
I also like to do the “what’s the worst that can happen?” game. For example, if the elevator made me more late, what’s the worst way that could impact my day? Someone would notice and I’d have to stay later. That’s about it. Not much of an impact in the grand scheme of things.
I hope you get this worked out. It seems like the fretting and frustration about this and what you posted yesterday would take an emotional toll in the long run. 🙁
Oh gosh, I can relate to the elevator thing way too much. Like it is such a big deal. I need to borrow your perspective 🙂
I am feeling better getting this out… and talking things out with Steven too 🙂
Great post! I’m going to print the tips and keep them by my desk at work … where I lose my patience
i think control and patience go hand in hand — wanting a lot of control and being impatient sort of work off each other. i totally hear you and i appreciated your thoughts and ideas to be mroe patient. so funny i do the same thing with schedules and wanting everyone to fit into them but they might not know it. i actually have gotten so much better at this and almost always tell elliot my plans/hopes/times etc. i try to get him to reciprocate something he at least knows i want him to do 🙂