Fear of the unknown
Generally, I thrive on:
- schedule
- routine
- day-to-day consistency
- making my own to-do list and following it
I don’t handle very well:
- major interruptions
- crises (whether real or exaggerated)
- people dumping their stress on me
- THINGS BEING OUT OF MY CONTROL
I am just being honest here. I struggle with a fear of the unknown. Not the unknown of what is going to happen in my life, but the unknown of “how far off schedule am I going to get today?”
I live in this imaginary place in my mind, where I get to actually control my own schedule, make a to-do list, and follow it. Sure, I enjoy the occasional interruption, or unplanned event. I am not that stiff and rigid.
But I HATE IT when I feel like I have no control over my day. More and more lately I feel like my entire day is being flushed down the drain because there are so many interruptions/too much drama to deal with. I actually found myself thinking earlier this week “I hope no one bothers me today.”
Whoa – I think it might be time to reassess my situation. Hoping that no one bothers me says something about me – I am worn out and stressed to the point that I am not doing a very good job with human interaction.
Any tips on helping me be more flexible and “go with the flow”? Do you ever struggle with fear of the unknown/things being out of your control?
Themocracy
I know this is just a tiny tip, but when I feel things going out of my control, I try to just take about 10 deep breaths, close my eyes for a minute, and remember that in the grand scheme of things, likely this day will mean nothing to the rest of my life.
I know exactly what you mean. I teach 8th grade. Every day I wake up wondering how the day will go and what I will have to face before I get home again. It’s just a little twinge of dread and apprehension that I feel each morning when I leave my house. You pinpointed it though…it is definitely the fear of the unknown!
Ugh, unfortunately, I think we do the same thing. I’m so bad at being flexible and letting things just happen. Instead, I try to plan out every second of my life and get distressed at the thought of things not going to plan. Right now, I’m just trying to accept that I can’t control everything. It’s kind of working…
Best of luck! Maybe once the weather improves, your mood will too! I know I’m really looking forward to spring for that reason.
I was kind of thinking the arrival of some warmer weather would help too 🙂
You sound just like me. I need to know what’s coming. Structure is everything. I wish I had some tips to pass on, if you get any good ones, post them. I’d love to hear them!
Hi Tonia! Thanks for commenting. I love meeting new bloggers. I wrote up everyone’s tips in today’s post. I hope they help us! 🙂
I only struggle with things when there is just TOO MUCH to bear. In times like these I make sure to get in some “me” time – no matter how long that is. Even 15 minutes of peace and quiet can be very helpful.
I laugh because I had a related conversation with my parents last night. My dad was bragging about how much he’s been working at home lately (he’s a professor who isn’t teaching this semester, so he has freedom with where he works).
Then, my mom said things have gotten so crazy at work that she decided she was going to work at home today, so she wouldn’t be bothered and could get things done.
My dad’s response? He was annoyed because she was going to be around to bother him (even though they each have their own office on different floors of the house!). Hilarious.
Point of all this? You’re not alone. I think a lot of people struggle with the balance of getting their work done and helping other people get their work done. At the end of the day, you have to remind yourself that part of your job is your to-do list and part of your job is the on-the-go requests. Also, why not take a block of time each day where you render yourself unavailable. Just defer questions, ignore emails and send your phone straight to voicemail, so you can get stuff done.
I agree with Anna on the 10 breaths thing. I would write the exact same list that you wrote. I thrive on order and do horrible to the point of having mini anxiety attacks with choas exists. Over the past couple of years (ok starting in 2009 lol) I’ve really focused on making my self stop when their is choas and asking myself if I have any control over what is going on and then counting to 10. Most of the time I do have some control and when I dont, I’m trying to focus on counting. For some reason counting makes me focus on something else.
I struggle with this every day! I live by schedules and organization so if something throws me off I have no idea how to deal with it. Sorry I don’t have better suggestions for you but I am definitely going to be checking back for suggestions from commenters because I seriously need to work on this!!
I know exactly what you mean. I like to be in control of my day and activities too. I’m slowly learning to let things slide once in a while though, because honestly, the only thing we can *truly* control in life is our attitude and how we react to different situations. I find that thought very comforting in a strange sort of way.
If you haven’t heard this from me before or have not noticed on my blog… I have a complete case of OCD when it comes to organization and planning… most of our weekends to the end of the year are planned and accounted for, so are all of our vacations. I can’t stand last minute phone calls of lets get together… as it doesn’t fit in my schedule..all that said.. there are times that I feel like everything is just out of control, I don’t want to deal with people at work, I am exhasted… don’t want the little friendly talk at the gym and want to be left alone… that’s when I take a weekend and just focus on relaxing and allowing myself to catch up with myself (if that makes sense) usually the follwing Monday I feel great and am back in the swing of things and want all the little intractions.
I think it is part of our nature… it is normal but from time to time we need a time out and take a couple days to catch up with ourselves.
Totally not the person to be asking. LOL! I get really cranky when things don’t go according to the schedule I have worked out in my head. Usually I’m over it by the next day but still, cranky it happens. I would love to be more go with the flow but I am not that person.
That is a common fear, we never know what is going to hit us. The one thing we can control is how we react to the situation. So I try to close my eyes, breath and then startt o think of a response.
I’ve been struggling with this lately (ok always!) because I am in crunch time at my job. I talked about the stress and the frustration of LIFE HAPPENING ALL OVER ME when I am trying to just control it with my therapist last night. The thing I’m trying to do is go into it knowing that life is messy and uncontrollable and all I can do to keep sane is look at it as an adventure and take a lot of deep breaths.
It doesn’t always work. But I keep trying.
I am thinking going back to therapy may help me a bit too. This really helped as well though!
If you get some good tips, please share them! I’m the exact same way.
gosh i think you took the words right out of my mouth!!!! this is me exactly. i even hate when elliot just doesn’t tell me what time he is getting home!!! or if he is late or something. i just like to KNOW everything in advance, like a preparedness and then i have an idea of what i am going to do when.
i have been working on being more flexible. and i say it out loud to elliot all the time– what i was expecting, what went “wrong” in my mind– and that it is okay, relaly it is okay. sometimes the more you say it, the more it is true. remind yourself, it is always okay, no matter what. i don’t like being bothered and drama is frustrating, but MUCH worse things have happened to me, will happen to me, and are happening to other people. just put it in perspective and pull badck from the emotion of hte moment to look at it.
yesssss i can relate so much! i have a very similar tendencies, i like to believe that as long as i stick to my lists/planner then everything shall pan out the way i intended it to. but last time i checked i don’t have a magic wand lying around, so i should really ease up on that. for a long time i did the whole “control the only thing you can” cliche and went down the ED path…i suggest finding a different solution 😉
I do the same thing. I thrive on knowing what’s going to happen, what time it will occur, and what my role will be – so you’re not alone at all.
This is one of the main reasons that I stopped rowing in college (among others). My one request of my coach was to tell if I was to attend a race (often out of state) at least a week before the race. I was perfectly fine with the prospect of racing or not racing, I just wanted to know in advance so I could plan my time and workload accordingly. After 3 years of having last minute, drastic changes to my schedule imposed, I opted for a different path.
The best thing I can recommend is trying to keep long term goals in mind, and trying to see overall trendlines. (Engineer much?) I find that it’s much more manageable to attempt to understand things if I think long term, such as taking time off from running now due to injury to be able to accomplish an event in the future.
Do you ever struggle with fear of the unknown/things being out of your control?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH….short answer = yes
I like plans. I like tasks. I like knowing exactly what I’m doing. I love routine. When I don’t have those things I get really cranky. I used to do this thing where I would make up a plan in my head and not share it with anyone. And then when they threw a monkey wrench in my plans I would get really upset. But how were they supposed to know what the plan was if I didn’t tell them?? I’ve gotten a little better about sharing my plan or, at least, not getting as upset when someone screws up my non-shared plan. I just remind myself that they couldn’t have known so I shouldn’t get mad.
I had a real problem with the “plans in my head” too. It kind of came crashing down last winter. Now Steven and I discuss our plans for every weekend… I still sometimes don’t get to do everything I want though. Oh yeah, and I forget to plan in time to relax!
I can defintely relate Kim. I have been feeling this way recently because I have taken on extra responsibility at my job. I find it hard to focus and finaly when I do the phone rings. Arrrgh. I found that sometimes I just had to shut my office door, which told everyone I need some space. I also realized that I was worn too thin and just need a ME day. So that is why I took monday off. For no reason, other than to do my taxes and chill. Ahhh… it helped to clear my mind a bit.
Hope things clear up for you. And ps. I tagged you in my post today.
I think a day off would be great. I do have one tomorrow! It would be nice to have a day off in the middle of the week!
I will check out your post later today! Ugh. I am always behind in my reading 😉
Um, hello, YES I struggle with being out of control. I consider an unexpected meeting an interruption to my day. I’ve always been a bit rigid, and anorexia was like the ultimate in rigidity. I’m still coming back from that mindset of needing everything planned and structured. It was all an illusion of predictability and security. Life really is kind of chaotic, so it makes sense that we go out of our way to create some order (hence the “to-do” lists!). I try to go with the flow. Usually, I fare pretty well. I prefer to have control in situations, but I realize that I do better than I think I will in throw-me-for-a-loop situations. I’m trying to just deal better with these situations, or not consider a flat tire a major catastrophe 😉 I think it’d be better for my blood pressure.
I definitely struggle with this. I think this is why I’ve been so agitated lately. I know this is going to sound absolutely terrible but my boyfriend is visiting me for a week (he flies in today) and instead of being really excited about the fact that I’m going to see him after not seeing him for months, I’m a little frustrated. I almost don’t want him to come because it’s going to mess up my study schedules and the overall flow of work. Isn’t that terrible?!?! I guess what I’m saying is that I know EXACTLY how you feel! I’m not sure how to change it other than destressing. I’m also trying to remind myself that whatever I have to do right now is only a tiny portion of my life and chances are it isn’t THAT important!
I’m sorry I can’t provide suggestions but I just wanted to let you know that I feel ya! We can get past it! We just need to destress!
I used to get that way when I had visitors in college – I had so much to do, I would try to get it done in advance, but it seemed like there was always something else to get done. I would end up having fun with them, but be a bit stressed then have to stay up all night after they left. Ugh. I hope you still end up having a good time!
I WISH I could give you tips on how to be more flexible. I am so rigid with my schedule and my routine, and everything going my way.
My biggest problem is the parking on my street. Seriously, during the week, once I get home I do not leave again in my car. I dont care if Ive run out of something as essential as toilet paper, if I have napkins in the house it will just have to wait.
I want that good parking space, and I rush home every day to get it. Why? No good reason at all. I just want it. If I dont get it, and GOD FORBID have to park at the bottom of the street, it will bother me until I move my car.
LOL. That totally sounds like something I would do 😉
Oh, Kim, I think you and I are a lot alike. 🙂 I think the best thing about the situation you’re describing is that you’re aware of it. Awareness means you can try to do something to make it better. Usually when I get like that, it means I need to take a break from my routine and do something fun to get my mind off the stuff that’s annoying me. It’s difficult (at least for me) when it’s cold and shitty outside, but maybe you could take a day off or take a weekend trip someplace fun or just do something different one night after work. My next fun idea is to go roller skating! I know I will fall on my butt repeatedly, but I’m still looking forward to it. 🙂
As far as the control stuff, I’m not sure people who enjoy routine ever become fully go with the flow, but I have learned over the years that freaking out about the unknown is kind of useless. Worrying is a completely useless emotion. I just try to picture all the outcomes of a situation, how I would deal with all of them, and then I try to distract myself from thinking about it.
I don’t think it’s bad to not want people to bother you. I am the same way-LOL! I always chant that when I do yard work. I have REALLY anoying neighbors that spy on me, and one that peeks through the fence then wants to talk for 20-30 minutes or MORE! Ahhh!! Our time is precious and yes, we have our list of things we need to do. We don’t want any interruptions.
Sometimes a change of pace helps 🙂
The first tip I can offer is that it’s something learned over time. I know that’s not much of a comfort! There was a time when all the whacky changes in our company would have completely thrown me into a meltdown. I’ve just learned to go along with them and hope for the best–that’s more a function of age and experience for me than anything. (I say that as if nothing at work over the last year phased me–whatever, I did have minor freakouts!)
A really crazy tip I can offer which I sometimes do on the weekends is to literally not plan anything for an ENTIRE DAY. It will be hard and scary but it will be a good experience. Unfortunately, you must be careful not to fall into the trap that I often do, which is when you have no plans it is hard to say no to all the people that pop up wanting your time! 😉
I don’t like being out of control either. It depends what kind of crisis hits in determining how I deal with it: work = love the challenge personal = cry “HELP”
Life is tough sometimes and we all have those periods where everything gets overwhelming. It sounds like you need your space for a while. Why not ask for it? It may not take long, a couple of hours or it may take a day. But you need to take it to collect your thoughts and for your own health.
If you feel over burdened/over whelmed, it will do more harm letting it go on than taking a break. Life won’t stop because you step away for a few hours. Allow yourself to be healthy and happy.
Sounds like someone needs a mental health day. Maybe you get the stomach flu tomorrow? Seriously, you being bothered sounds more like you need a damn break. A whole day to maybe not follow a list because nothing needs to be planned.
I suck at going with the flow. sorry dude.
Thanks for the exercise tips. I could probably handle a new addition to the routine rather than running. I’ve never found an exercise that I LOVE.
I’m with you… I like everything to be in order and when something happens out of the ordinary, it messes up my game plan!
I feel much better after reading this and reading all of your comments. I wish I had advise to share, but this is something I really struggle with. I need to be better about going with the flow. Luckily my husband does it very well, so we sort of balance each other out.
“Any tips on helping me be more flexible and “go with the flow”?”
I wish I could provide sage advice, but I’m pretty stressed and tired right now too! I’m also a terrible overreactor and dweller, I don’t want to be, but its just how I am.
I am trying to change though and one thing that I have found helpful is watching funny shows and reading books on people who have overcome large obstacles in their lives. 🙂
Yikes, I really struggle with this, too. I love having a plan, and when something “pops up,” it just makes me nervous. I’m going to read through the comments to get some good tips myself. 🙂