Trying to remember
When I was eight or nine-years-old, and would play with my sister, I used to tell her, “Remember this! I can’t remember anything from when I was your age!”
She was three-years-old. I wonder if she even remembers me telling her that.
I felt that I was very insightful, and also, generous, to be giving her that advice at such a young age.
I should have taken it myself.
My dad’s dad has Lewy Body Dementia. We had some good moments with him when we visited in January, but we know his health is rapidly declining, and I’ve been trying to console myself.
I’ve reminded myself of how lucky I was to grow up with all four of my grandparents alive, and, to have them be able to interact with us so much. All four of them were only a 20-minute drive away! I bet we saw them once a week, and I loved growing up with them in my life. Even though I feel guilt* over living far away now, and not seeing them as much anymore, I still do the best I can to stay in touch and spend quality time together when I visit.
And I’ve told myself to think of all the good memories I have of my grandpa. In my young, naive brain, I think “What is death, if not a celebration of life?” I think about how I always say (and think) that I want my funeral to be a celebration of my life when I die, so, why not use that thinking to conjure up wonderful memories of my grandpa?
But I can’t.
I can’t remember. The advice I gave to my sister, a simple “Remember this!” I cannot do myself. My memory is blocked. All I can see are images of my grandpa in the last few years, struggling to control his body and mind, and restricted in movement.
Where did those memories go? I know we spent a lot of time with my grandparents growing up. We were often at their house, but they came to my concerts and plays, and we even did long road trips together.
Where are those memories?!
I feel like I have a mental block on my mind right now, and it’s only making me feel worse about the whole situation.
Do you ever feel frustrated when memories seem to fade away? Is there a wonderful memory of your own you would like to share with me, to make me feel better?
In a struggle to find something to spark my memory, I have been looking through old photos. I don’t have as many as I’d like, but I found a few.
Steven, me, Grandma and Grandpa in November 2004
An orchestra concert my senior year of high school (April 2004)
At Pelegon Rapids in June 1979 – before I was born! How did I end up with this photo?
*I don’t think I had an accurate understanding of the Dementia in the post this is linked to, but it lets you know how I was feeling.
Themocracy
I am so sorry to hear what your grandpa is going through and I wish you and the whole family a lot of strength to deal with it all. I agree with you about death, in an ideal world, being a celebration of life, but I guess the reality is, it is always hard to say goodbye to people we love, no matter how old they are. Hang in there.
I’m so sorry to hear about your grandfather– I’ve lost both of my grandfathers in the past year, and it was so sad to watch men who I remembered only as strong and stoic decline so rapidly.
I know what you mean about not being able to remember things– I think back to college and high school, which were NOT that long ago, and have trouble! Makes me so sad…but it also shows me the importance of remembering what I’m doing NOW and making it count!
I’m sorry to hear about your grandpa! Like you said, you’re lucky that he has been in your life for so long, and I’m sure that he has been a great presence in your life over the years.
I wouldn’t stress about not remembering things. It sounds like you’re worried that you’re not remembering lots of things, but I’m sure that you are. We can only fit so much in our long term memories, so, for some reason, not everything can make the cut. I was just thinking the other day that I remember very little from my trip to France with my mom, which was only back in high school!
I am in a very similar situation. And sadly, I have found myself detached. I still have three gradparents (my mom’s dad died before I was born) but my Gram has altizmers and my Pop-Pop had a stroke last year that has left him bedridden. His wife, my Mom-Mom has been in declining health from taking care of him. It is so sad and I feel a lot of guilt because I do not visit them as much as I should. I help take care of them, but honestly, I feel like I have detached myself because I know I am losing them. Instead, I try to remember what they were like before all the illness. I guess either way…remembering or not, it is still sad.
I am sorry you are going through this.
Wow, you are lucky to live so close to your grandparents. My grandpa had alzheimer’s, so I know what it’s like. I do still have memories of him when I was very young, but they become fuzzier as I get older. He also lived across the country so even the later months in his disease are hard to remember. One thing that really sticks out though is when my family flew out to Cali to see him (during the last few months of his life). He couldn’t function well or really show emotion, but we managed to go outside and sit down. At the time, I was a gymnast and my grandma mentioned that he used to do gymnastics when he was really young and he liked to watch the gymnast olympics. I started doing flips and stuff and it made him smile. I’ll never forget it 🙂
I am so sorry that your family is going through this, Kim. My grandmother passed away a few weeks ago and it was a hard time. I have always liked to think of death the way you did but when you’re losing someone you love, it’s hard to think of it in any way because you’re so busy feeling it.
I’m thinking of you and your family, Kim.
Oh, honey. I am sorry you are feeling this. My (paternal) grandmother had dementia before she passed and my (maternal) grandmother had brain cancer which pretty much eats away at the person you know, so I’ve been there.
I can share memories with you. My grandma Makranski had a hilarious apron she wore at the holidays that lit up with Christmas lights. It had a little battery pack in the back. She had a little “cast iron” kitchen set that I used to play with and make baked beans for my grandpa. (always baked beans, I don’t know why) She made traditional Hungarian pastries and I always helped her–that is actually my favorite memory of my grandma.
My grandma Sparks loved to play card games with me. Usually Old Maid and Go Fish. She took me to a playground by her apartment whenever I went to visit that had a big stone turtle that I loved to climb on. And afterwards we went to Dairy Queen, where I inevitably got a lime Starkiss. 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear about your grandpa…don’t worry about what you remember and what you don’t. It’s hard to force memories, but for the rest of your life, certain things will remind you of your grandpa (a smell, a place, an activity, an object)…and you’ll smile or cry…but you’ll be remembering.
One memory I have of my paternal grandfather is that he was an extremely picky eater (like me at the time), so I knew that I would never be forced to eat something I didn’t like when he was around 🙂
I am so sorry to hear that your grandfather is unwell. I agree with what Anne says that it doesn’t matter what you do or do not remember. Overall you have a great memory of your grandfather and you love him and that is all that really matters!!
Unfortunately all my grandparents are gone but I do remember little things they used to do…no big memories…but I remember my dad’s dad taking me to Newberry’s (Target-ish store) and buying me the Thriller album. My dad took it away but I still loved my grandfather to death for getting it for me in the first place!
My memories are all quite random but to my surprise I still have quite a few. Usually I forget quickly but when I thought back, there were memories I had forgotten existed.
I’m sorry about your grandpa, I know it can’t be easy. I only have a grandma left and never really knew my other grandparents before they passed away. Just know that you had amazing times with them, even if the memories are currently eluding you.
I’m so sorry about your grandpa. That would be really tough. Memories are funny things. I have to look at old pictures too, to get myself to go back in time a bit. I don’t remember my grandfathers at all. They passed away before I was 5 years old. It’s strange to me that the brain just doesn’t have capacity (or wasn’t well-formed enough) for those early memories to be with me. I do have a memory-via-photograph of my mom’s dad. My mom was never close to her dad, at all. He was very stiff, cold, unloving. But, in this photo, he’s holding me, his granddaughter, and he looks so happy and warm. I wish I’d known him myself.
how sad about your grandpa, and that you are having a hard time recalling a lot of precious memories of him. it’s great that you have photos though, they can always transport you back in time and make you remember things you hadn’t thought about in years. I didn’t know what lewy’s body dementia was until i looked it up just now, it’s really unfair that your dad has to go through that. and i really feel for you, i hope you are able to console yourself or better yet surround yourself with loving people who can help you out
That’s rough. I find I tend to forget things that are near and dear to me, unless I’m somehow reminded of the memory. I’m glad that you have such lovely photos of your memories though so it can trigger some moments xo
It can be hard to recall a lot of specific memories of a person. What I try to do is hang on to a thought-picture like a certain look on their face or expression that they said that will call them back into my memory.
O.K., here’s a cute memory of my Grandma who died about 10 years ago. She came to my wedding, and at one point during the reception I went and sat down in a chair next to her to talk to her, still wearing my gown and everything. Then my college friend Jim came over, and he got down on our level to speak to us. My grandmother looked at him down on one knee in front of me, and very drily said, “You’re too late.”
Sometimes our memories are repressed for various reasons we may not know. One day those memories will randomly pop back into your mind….maybe when you need them most.
My g-pa passed when I was in 7th grade and I have very few memories of our time together and my other g-pa died when my dad was only 21 so I never met him. Both my g-mas are alive and kicking though. So much history there.
Dementia is a very sad and unfair affliction. My hearts goes out to you that you have to watch your grandfather go through this.
I’m similar to you in that I think I *should* have memories but can’t ever recall things. I can barely even recall funny stuff that happened in college and still only vaguely when someone reminds me of an event. I wish I had more memories of my grandparents but, sadly, I don’t.
That’s a tough load to bear. Life can be so cruel as much as it can rewarding. Did your grandfather have a full and happy life before dementia? If so, we have to grasp those moments and be thankful he had a fortunate life.
Every moment only comes once. Sometimes it’s so hard to put on a happy face and think positive thoughts in trying to relish the best of that moment that will soon be gone for ever. We don’t want to waste it, but there are times when we almost feel guilty about trying to enjoy it when a loved one is going through pain or suffering. But being sad for them and forfeiting our life is surely not what they would wish for.
Like you said, we need to celebrate life and accept what comes with it rather than mourn the inevitable prematurely.
Make your grandfather comfortable. Express the love only you can give him and be thankful that you were so fortunate to have the time you have had with him. You and him are blessed.
that is very rough. I remember watching my great grandmother got through dementia and its hard to see a loved one go through that. I was lucky enough to get to meet not just all 4 of my grandparents, but I also knew two of my great grandmothers. Very special times.
As far as Gracie goes…the only big difference I can tell so far is the the FR60 (Gracie) works through the wireless footpod while the 405 works with the GPS. Because I do some indoor workouts I like that the FR60 can track treadhell workouts too. Oh, and the FR60 doesn’t have the touch bezel like the 405
The mind, memory, it’s all such an amazing yet mysterious work of science. I am a psych major and master’s is in marriage & family therapy so studying the brain and studying memory was a fave topic of mine.
Sorry you are feeling this way and that it’s hard to conjure up the good ones.
Relax, don’t force it, they will come back.
I’m sorry about your grandfather; I know how hard it is to watch that!! I think everyone has the same trouble with memories fading over time; I was really close with my maternal grandmother, who died when I was thirteen. I barely have a handful of memories of her, which makes no sense; we lived right upstairs, for heavens’ sake!! It’s sad, and it’s also frustrating because when people say that you’ll always have the memories? I feel like it’s not strictly true.
But knowing that should just make you appreciate the present that much more, I guess. (I’m sorry if I seem all doom-and-gloom, I really don’t mean to!)
<3 <3
I am so sorry about your Grandpa. I cant think of anything more heartbreaking, and I really wish I could say something to make you feel better.
I do have a wonderful memory of my Grandpa – it actually saved me from a horrible relationship. My Grandpa died far too young because of cancer. He was in his 70s I believe. Towards the end he didnt recognize us all the time. My mom was sitting with him and showing him a picture of him and my Grandma from just a few months before and asked him if he knew the people in the picture. He said no, but pointed at my Grandma (in the picture) and said something about how she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.
It is the sweetest thing Ive ever heard. And I think it shows that even if the mind is going, a lot is still there.
I can also remember being little and sitting on his lap and playing with his heart surgery scar. I remember the staple marks, and I remember him being so big and strong.
Your memories are still there. Dont pressure yourself too much to find them. They’ll come back.
That’s a beautiful story, Leah. Love will find a way.
I’m so sorry to hear about your grandpa…We get patients with dementia allllll the time and I can’t imagine what it is like for families to see their loved one like that. It’s hard to think of the good times when bad things are happening, but they’ll come back to you. My grandma died a little over a year ago and I only remember the good things about her now and memories that I had with her…and she lived far away! They’ll come back, it’s just a hard time for now.
Hugs to you and your family!
I’m so sorry about your Grandpa, Kim. He was a wonderful man. Great sense of humor, always teasing me. I loved that about him. Your memory will come back, Sweetie. It’s just very sad right now, so you think of the bad moments. You will remember all of the good times with Grandpa when your least expect it. Give it some time. He has found peace and isn’t in pain. His body and mind are whole again. For that we can be thankful. We will celebrate him and his life. At the same time we are sad because he was taken from us too soon. Not sure if we will see each other on Tuesday. It will depend on the weather. We are planning on being there if at all possible. I loved my Uncle Jim very much and will miss him so much. Please drive careful on your way to and from Iowa.
Kim! I’ll email you more later, but I wanted to share my memory of my grandmother who suffered from demetia. She took me to my first visit to the Central Park Zoo where I discovered my love of seals (and animals)!